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Exciting Election Today In California About .... ?

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It's pretty exciting to vote, right? Remember how cool you felt in November, voting for the black dude? Remember how fun it was, voting against goddamned Sarah Palin and Walnuts? And just cold goin' down the ballot and voting against anybody with an "R" after their name? Fun times. You can relive the excitement today in California, if you live there and do the voting thing -- and if you read Wonkette, there's a one-in-three chance youdo live and vote in California. Who knew?


But it turns out that today's election is not super exciting, like the presidential vote. For one thing, no Obama! Ballots just aren't cool anymore without Obama. The other problem is that nobody knows what's on today's ballot, and nobody even knows there's an election today. As a result, the polling places are all empty! So why not go vote if you're in the Golden Bear State Republic? Here's a voter's guide! Print & bring to the polls!

  • As usual, there are a bunch of complicated bullshit propositions that maybe the elected legislators could figure out on their own, but nooooo, let's have a handful of ill-informed old people and Wonkette readers make the budget decisions. Prop 1A would force the state to save some money during good financial times -- 12.5% of the general fund, instead of 5%. Some restrictions on this or that, too. In other words, why the fuck can't the state government decide a sane level of rainy-day savings? NO.
  • Prop 1B would restore $9 billion in school spending if Prop 1A passes. Did you follow that? Try, because it is fucking insane. This is a proposition with the same number -- but different letter! -- that reverses part of the other Prop 1, if that one passes and this one passes. NO. STOP IT.
  • Prop 1C is something about the lottery. NO FUCK YOU PEOPLE.
  • Prop 1D would take like a billion dollars from the state's retarded children and use it to build a titanium temple for Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Moon. NO FOR CHRIST'S SAKE WHAT ABOUT THE RETARDED CHILDREN?
  • Prop 1E would violently steal $460 million from California's insane people and give it to Maria Shriver so she can buy magic pants. NO STOP STEALING FROM THE INSANE HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HEARD OF MORALS EVEN IN PASSING?
  • Prop 1F allows a handful of old people, many of them AM talk-radio listeners, to show up at a neighborhood church and haphazardly decide which state employees can and cannot get pay raises in certain years based on certain economic conditions and ratios that there is seriously no way in hell any of these people can begin to understand. NO NO NO THE NEXT PERSON OR GROUP TO PUT A PROPOSITION ON THE FUCKING BALLOT IS GOING TO GET THEIR BALLS CRUSHED WITH A POISON BULLDOZER.
  • Local Measures! There are also several local measures.
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Donald Trump held another great big slob picnic in Orlando, Florida, last night, where he "announced" the "start" of his 2020 campaign, which will be exactly like his 2016 campaign except for the minor detail that he's actually been in the White House since 2017, which is really a bummer, man. Still, it's no reason he can't run as an outsider who vows to protect everyday Americans who believe he's just like them. The rally was a mishmash of the same damn shit he's said a million times before, and the rubes loved almost every minute of it except for the boring parts when he talked about stuff he's supposedly achieved in office, because not even his supporters care about trade policy or tariffs. They want an enemy, and they want to be told they and Trump will destroy that enemy together because they are the real Americans. So that's what Trump gave them, again and again, a feast of fear and resentment designed to get them to the polls. It was enough in 2016, and Trump thinks it'll do the job in 2020.

If there was anything new in the speech -- which was mostly Trump reading from a teleprompter, plus the expected weirdass asides -- nobody has identified it. He complained about the press and the crowd chanted "CNN sucks," and he explained what a threat to the nation Hillary Clinton is -- in fact, he mentioned her eight times during the 80-minute rant.

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

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