Catch the blue train places never been before.
Hello, good morning, welcome to the first day of the rest of our lives!
The other night, as we were parceling out our Inauguration Day Advent Calendar mini liquor bottles, my son what prints your merches in our basement factory said, regarding the only two days remaining before our long national nightmare would (PRESUMABLY) come to an end, "Already? That was fast!" and my husband almost murdered him right there in the kitchen where he stood.
"'FAST'? 'ALREADY'?" he bellowed, followed by a cartoon string of epithets. He had a really good point! Every single day of the past four years has been a fight to even continue existing, and that's before the shithead that unaccountably somehow got "elected" president of the United States affirmatively killed more than 400,000 Americans and attempted to murder democracy itself.
It has been, dear ones, a trial.
Four years ago, I put "three months" in the office pool for how long it would be before Trump got bored and resigned because people were mean to him. I undershot it by 45 months. You should never ever ever listen to me.
Mike Lindell didn't get where he is in this life by being shy. The former addict turned pillow pumper built a successful company by just going for it, and he's not about to stop now. The problem with just saying whatever's on your mind, though, is that sometimes it gets you in trouble — particularly when your mind is filled with syphilitic ferrets shouting COUP! COUP! COUP!
And so it is that Lindell finds his company dropped by multiple major national retailers just as he receives a preservation letter from the company he's been shit talking for months. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
For reasons not entirely clear, the White House has consulted Lindell on everything from coronavirus treatments to election security. Lindell, who failed to graduate from the University of Minnesota, has expertise in neither area. But he's been an ardent supporter of the president, and in the Trump administration, that's good enough.
The Inside Story Of Trump's Delusional Three-Month Slide Into Outright Fascism And Eternal Loserdom!
This outstanding reporting comes from Axios, yes we said Axios.
Twenty twenty twenty four hours to goooo, Trump might need to be sedated ... nothing to do, nowhere to goooo-oh ...
Oh hello! We're almost to the 24-hour countdown, where you start seeing footage of the ball drop in Australia and all the people cheering because at least where they live, Donald Trump is no longer president of the United States. Or at least they should do it that way.
While we're waiting, Axios, yes Axios, has been publishing an outstanding ongoing series with original reporting on Trump's unraveling, his utter collapse, and his descent into utter loser and victimhood, from his historic loss on election night to his present status as a twice-impeached loser whose legacy will be the terrorist attack he incited on the US Capitol on January 6.
Apparently it goes with a podcast, so that's exciting if you're into that sort of thing. Being Axios, though, each dispatch is little and bite-sized, just the 100-calorie snack pack of news you need to get through your day with the appropriate level of Trump schadenfreude.
No we won't.
We already knew Donald Trump was too small of a man-baby to leave office with any class, to even try to do any of the ceremonial things real presidents do when they leave office. There will be no meeting with the incoming president, and we are pretty sure he won't leave any nice letters for Joe Biden, not that Biden would want one anyway. Trump's ego really wanted some kind of big military parade send-off, so he could try to upstage the actual inauguration with his own departure, but it appears the Pentagon told him to fuck off.
And now CNN is confirming what we already assumed about our classless dickhead first lady, Melon, namely that she can't even be bothered to greet Dr. Jill Biden and do the traditional thing where the outgoing first lady shows the incoming first lady around the residence. We guess in Melania's case, the tour probably would have involved some sort of obstacle course where medieval daggers fall out of the ceiling if you step on a crack, considering what her Christmas decorations look like, but whatever.