Probably just don't read this post.
Forget about the whistleblower story about Donald Trump probably committing literal actual treason, because there is more important news out there, and it is that unfuckable Trump sycophant mini-Hitler baldhead dork who makes "34" look like a really rough "60" Stephen Miller IS REPORTEDLY BONING A HUMAN PERSON! And this reportedly human person is ALLOWING THAT.
Truly, the very last thing we expected to learn in the news today, or any other day, was that Stephen Miller is allegedly sexually active, unless it involved pending criminal charges or a cease-and-desist letter from 4H.
The news came in a tweet from Washington Post reporter Nick Miroff, atop a story about how Mike Pence had "tapped" (get away from Stephen's lady friend, Mike!) a former DHS press spox as his new press secretary:
If Wonkette's right about this, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE.
Wednesday night, the Washington Post confirmed some of the worst fears we've all had about the story Liz (your Five Dollar Feminist) has been covering all week, of the intelligence community whistleblower who came forward through the proper channels to report that SOMETHING VERY BAD had happened, something he or she found of grave enough concern to take it to Joseph Atkinson, the inspector general of the entire IC, who took it to acting DNI Joseph Maguire, who then, instead of following the law, took it to Trump's Roy Cohn at the Justice Department, who immediately fired up the cover-up machine on all cylinders.
It's about Trump. Just after we learned that the CIA had to extract our most valuable asset in the Kremlin in 2017, partially out of worry that Trump would burn the source's identity to Putin, we now learn that Trump made a "promise" to an unnamed foreign leader that was so off the chain that it's set the intel community on fire:
Trump's interaction with the foreign leader included a "promise" that was regarded as so troubling that it prompted an official in the U.S. intelligence community to file a formal whistleblower complaint with the inspector general for the intelligence community, said the former officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the matter publicly.
It was not immediately clear which foreign leader Trump was speaking with or what he pledged to deliver, but his direct involvement in the matter has not been previously disclosed. It raises new questions about the president's handling of sensitive information and may further strain his relationship with U.S. spy agencies. One former official said the communication was a phone call.
The sources are two "former US officials," which is interesting, since whatever Trump did, he did it very recently, so either these are two very recently "former" US officials -- Hey, former DNI Dan Coats! You make friends with a Washington Post reporter? 'Sup, Sue Gordon? -- or people on the inside are freaked out and leaking to veterans on the outside to get the news to the people.
Please stop this.
This weekend, we brought you the story of the anti-vaxxer lady who threw a menstrual cup filled with blood at California lawmakers in hopes that this would convince them to let people send their unvaccinated children to school. It should not have gotten more ridiculous then that, but here we are! Because apparently, this protest has now reached the point where all of the very affluent white ladies are comparing their "struggle" to that of the Civil Rights movement — to the point where they are walking down hallways actually singing "We Shall Overcome."
A chorus of mostly white women sang the gospel song "We Shall Overcome" in the California State Capitol, an anthem of the civil rights movement. Mothers rallied outside the governor's office and marched through Capitol corridors chanting "No segregation, no discrimination, yes on education for all!" Some wore T-shirts that read "Freedom Keepers."
But this wasn't about racial equality. In the nation's most diverse state, protesters opposed to childhood vaccine mandates — many from affluent coastal areas — had co-opted the civil rights mantle from the 1960s, insisting that their plight is comparable to what African Americans have suffered from segregationist policies.
This is bad. This is very bad. It gets worse if you click on the Politico link and see the picture of these ladies carrying a large banner that reads "This Is The New Civil Rights Movement."
Gotta keep an eye on the Deep State somehow, obviously!
Not long after Vladimir Putin helped steal the 2016 election for Donald Trump, the Obama administration responded by levying new sanctions against Russia, kicking 35 Russian "diplomats" out of America, and confiscating two of their spy houses, or dachas, in Maryland and New York, which had been "suspected" of being used for espionage. But they weren't real clear on exactly what that meant.
Earlier this week, Yahoo! News came out with one of its bigass longform pieces that fills in some of the blanks of what those dachas were really used for, and if you can suffer through their 11,000 words of lugubrious prose, you might find yourself saying WOW. (You know, if you are still awake.) But worry not, Wonkette suffered through it! (Seriously, Yahoo! EDITORS. They exist. And if you hired a couple, this story might not still seem fresh THREE DAYS AFTER IT WAS PUBLISHED, because somebody might've read it!)
Before we get into this, though, we'd like to remind you that not long after Donald Trump was inaugurated, he decided he wanted to try to give the dachas back to Russia, in exchange for nothing. We note this because, if the Obama administration knew what was going on at those dachas, then the Trump administration did too, which presumably means Trump really wanted to let the Russians get back to the hard work of stealing our secrets and surveiling the FBI and the CIA. Gotta watch the Deep State somehow!
America started to figure out most of this around 2012 or so:
Every hearing from this day forward should star Barry Berke, AT THE BEGINNING, GODDAMMIT.
Tuesday, after one million Democratic congressmen and slightly fewer Republicans had finished volleying back and forth five-minute segments questioning Corey Lewandowski, a piece of shit who behaved so rancidly in his testimony he could have been jailed on the spot, a fight broke out among leadership on the House Judiciary Committee. GOP ranking member Doug Collins was furious furious I SAY I SAY I SAY, FURIOUS that Democrats passed a rules change last week allowing committee staff to question witnesses after members of Congress were finished. He took particular issue with the fact that attorney Barry Berke, who was technically a consultant but who according to committee chair Jerry Nadler fit the definition of "staff," would be allowed 30 minutes to #lawyer Lewandowski. Indeed, every Republican congressman in the room at that moment turned the hearing into an absolute fuckin' clownshow, as they stalled and hurled their own freeze-dried poo at each other. Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz played with a lot of poo, as you'd expect.
The entire tantrum was previewed in this video from Doug Collins, which actually came much earlier in the hearing. We can't transcribe it, because we don't think that's humanly possible, so you'll just have to watch it:
We can now see why Collins and the Republicans were upset about what was about to happen to the witness they were trying to protect.
He's gonna act like the fucking clown he is.
We don't have time to get into all the details of why Never-Was-A-White-House-Employee Corey Lewandowski will probably be a fucking asshole and refuse to answer questions for the House Judiciary Committee today, but here is the White House telling Lewandowski that he, a private citizen, should not answer Congress's questions about his interactions with Donald Trump, beyond what's in the Mueller Report, based on well-known legal principles White House Counsel Pat Cipollone found inside his asshole:
The White House had already "blocked" Rick Dearborn and Rob Porter from testifying, and until a judge finally smacks down Trump's bullshit claims of "absolute immunity" -- as in, when we get the final ruling on Don McGahn's testimony -- we guess that will be that. But Corey's gonna show up! And act like a fucking clown, obviously.
If you'll remember, Corey Lewandowski is an important star of the Mueller Report because Trump tried to get Lewandowski -- a private citizen -- to help influence Jeff Sessions's handling of the Mueller investigation, which forms one of the key acts of criminal obstruction of justice Trump committed. Also he tried to get Lewandowski to help him fire Sessions. Because that's a thing private citizens do all the time, which is why Wonkette fires Bill Barr all the time, though he refuses to leave.
To quote from Wonkette's liveblog of the Mueller Report:
OK, as obstructive incidents go, the tick-tock that starts on page 90 is HOLYSHITDUMB. Trump calls Corey Lewandowski into the Oval Office on June 19, 2017, says "Corey will you please call the Justice Department and tell Jeff Sessions they're only allowed to investigate Russian election interference OF THE FUTURE?" Because obviously NO COLLUSION, so why would Mueller want to investigate what happened in 2016? So Corey silently told Trump to fuck off and didn't do it. (To be clear, though, he tried. He even set up a meeting with Sessions, and when that didn't work out, he tried to farm the job out to Rick Dearborn. He just didn't try very hard. Still, Corey Lewandowski is a fucking idiot, and also an accessory.)
ONE MONTH LATER, Trump is like "hey Corey, did you relay my very important and normal and smart request to Jeff Sessions?" He had not, but said he would. (He was not going to.)
This is the statement Trump dictated to Corey Lewandowski, of a speech Trump wanted Jeff Sessions to give:
Back to the Wonkette liveblog of the Mueller Report:
[A] month later was when Corey finally gave the notes to Rick [Dearborn], and it was Rick who really was like UM YEAH NO. So he told Corey the situation had been dealt with, when the truth was fuck you.
To be clear, part of this request to Corey and to Rick involved how Jeff Sessions should resign if he's not willing to give the very important and normal speech pasted above, about how Trump is a genius and Robert Mueller should not check the trunk for bodies, we mean investigate Russian interference in the 2016 election.
So basically Trump was trying to get Corey Lewandowski -- who didn't even work for the White House -- to fire Jeff Sessions for him. Did you know that private citizens are allowed to fire the attorney general? We didn't!
All refreshed now? We are!
This is going to be a shitshow, because of course it is. But it's also the first official hearing in the impeachment investigation into Donald Trump with the first fact witness from the Mueller Report. So let's liveblog it!
Supreme Court can't save you now.
States are doin' it for themselves. If the federal courts are going to let Trump stonewall congressional Democrats on the release of his tax returns -- although, for the record, we're still confident that no court in the land is going to let Trump piss on the plain meaning of the statute and defy the Ways and Means Committee -- then New York will step up to the plate.
And so Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance has gotten a grand jury to subpoena eight years of Trump's personal and business tax returns from Mazars USA, the accountants who prepared them. The New York Times first reported the subpoenas, which are part of an investigation into the Trump Organization's reimbursement payments to Michael Cohen for fronting the $130,000 to Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet about her adventures with Mario Kart Yeti Pubes.
Trump's special representative for Iran Brian Hook needs to shut his fuckin' mouth.
The other day, we mentioned that Brian Hook, Trump's special representative for Iran, might be in the running to be Trump's fourth-but-definitely-not-final national security advisor. Would you like to meet him and hear what he said yesterday about poor Saudi Arabia and the attack on its oil infrastructure that we are all supposed to be weeping and gnashing our breasts about? Is the one thing your Folgers is missing today is RAGE?
Hook was doing a telephone briefing with Congress on Monday night, and he attempted to explain how the Saudis are feeling right now, because if there's one thing you give a fuck about, it's the Saudi royal family's feelings:
Awwwwww, FUCK OFF.
Seriously, there is not enough "go fuck yourself" in the world, both for Brian Hook for sharing the Saudis' feelings in this way, and for the Saudis, who apparently give Trump all his marching orders, including when it's time to bomb some shit in Saudi Arabia's name.
Will DOUBTLESS vote to confirm him anyway.
Steven Menashi is a Trump advisor who works with Stephen Miller to destroy the lives of immigrants. Before going to work at the White House, Menashi was (acting) general counsel to Betsy DeVos's Department of Education, where he helped dismantle Title IX and fight for the rights of rapists. Throughout his adult life, Menashi has written a slew of articles and op-eds denouncing diversity, women, and LGBTQ rights organizations.
And now, he's about to be appointed to one of the most important federal appellate courts in the country. Oh, just for life.
Ben's gonna need a composite sketch, or maybe a Scratch-n-Sniff version, FOR JOURNALISM.
We have found the winner of the unofficial right-wing contest for who can come up with the stupidest reason to say this week's New York Times piece on Brett Kavanaugh, which revealed another sexual assault accusation against the man whose name is pretty much synonymous with "rape van" in our minds, was fake news.
Surprise, it's Ben Shapiro! He is just disappointed that nobody has given a full accounting of what Brett Kavanaugh's penis looks like, whether there's anything fun or exciting about it, has it ever heard the wolf cry to the new corn moon, does it paint with all the colors of the wind, is it purple like an eggplant, does it appear as a lighthouse against the horizon after the thrashing of a storm at sea?
CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL BEN SHAPIRO ABOUT THE SHAPE OF BRETT KAVANAUGH'S COCK? OR MAYBE DRAW HIM A DOODLE OF BART O'KAVANAUGH'S DINGLE? AND IF YOU MAKE IT SCRATCH-N-SNIFF, BEN SHAPIRO THANKS YOU IN ADVANCE, ALLEGEDLY! ANYBODY GOT A 3-D PRINTER AROUND HERE?
Hey What's This 'Urgent' Intel Whistleblower Report For Congress? Congress Ain't Know, Nobody'll Tell Them!
Thanks Acting DNI Joseph Maguire! You're gonna be a STAR!
There's some fuckery afoot in Donald Trump's Intelligence Community. The fact that Acting Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire is burying a whistleblower complaint in blatant violation of the plain wording of federal law would be a massive scandal in any other administration. But here in the Firehose Era, it goes rushing by practically unnoticed.
NOT ON YOUR WONKETTE'S WATCH, DAMMIT! House Intelligence Chair Adam Schiff just dropped a subpoena on the Acting DNI calling him to testify before the Committee on Thursday, which is a BFD. And let's pay particular attention to the dates here, for reasons we'll come back to in a hot second.
According to Rep. Schiff's September 13 letter to Maguire, on August 12, the Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) received a "whistleblower disclosure intended for the congressional intelligence committees from an individual within the intelligence community." As provided under 50 US Code §3033§3033 and the Intelligence Community Whistleblowers Protection Act, the ICIG conducted a 14-day preliminary investigation and found the allegations credible and of "urgent concern" to Congress. On August 26, the ICIG told Maguire of his findings, which started the clock on a deadline for the DNI to disclose the information to HPSCI, as laid out in 50 US Code §30339(k)(5)(G):
Upon receipt of a transmittal from the Inspector General under subparagraph (B), the Director shall, within 7 calendar days of such receipt, forward such transmittal to the congressional intelligence committees, together with any comments the Director considers appropriate.
That would be a non-discretionary statute. Maguire doesn't have any wiggle room here -- it says "shall," and that doesn't mean he gets to go running to Attorney General Bill Barr to ask if he can prettyplease dummy up some bullshit excuse to get out of it. So naturally, that's exactly what he did.
News of Brett Kavanaugh's latest sexual assault allegation and Donald Trump conducting war policy on Saudi Prince Mohamnmad Bone Saw's orders and Trump deporting sick kids so they can die gettin' you down? Take a five-minute break to laugh at the president for being a fucking buffoon! Sure, you won't feel "better" afterward, but that's because feeling better doesn't exist anymore.
Anyway, what in the entire fuck is this?
"These Radical Left Democrats are CRAZY! Obama Netflix?" the president asks, like he is a normal person asking a normal question that other people are also asking. "OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!?!"
SOMEBODY'S a Jealous Janet today! Instead of investigating the obvious reality that for Donald Trump, the presidency is little more than an elaborate grifting scheme, he just really wants the House Judiciary Committee to investigate ... the fact that Barack Obama got a big book deal, because he's the most recent former president and one of the most admired men in the world? And also that Barack and Michelle Obama (most admired woman in the world) inked a deal to produce documentaries with Netflix?
What does the president think Congress would investigate about those things, were Congress to drop everything and follow the bouncing ball of the president's ball-shrinking insecurities and hallucinations?
Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.
NO! Say it is not so!
You mean to tell us that after then-GOP-Senator Jeff Flake acceded to the need for at least the thinnest bullshit appearance of a bullshit FBI investigation into the allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, which did indeed result in an absolutely bullshit appearance of an FBI investigation, where Donald Trump and the GOP had their stranger danger fingers on the scale the entire time ... you mean there are more allegations against Supreme Court Justice Rape Van, even now, many months after the Senate barely confirmed him? WHAT?
Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.
When you're selling your house, remove personal items like Confederate flags and framed KKK applications!
There are certain things you see while house hunting that are immediate turnoffs. For us, it's vessel sinks and clawfoot tubs. Prospective home buyer Rob Mathis wasn't too picky. He probably just wanted a two-car garage, central air, and no obvious evidence that the previous owner was a white supremacist. Mathis, who is black, and his family were walking through a house in Holton, Michigan, last month and couldn't help but notice the Confederate flags on the "walls, dining room table, and even the garage." Competent realtors usually ask you to remove personal items from the residence before listing it. You want buyers to imagine themselves living there. It's not Halloween and they're not visiting a racist haunted house.
There were even more horrors waiting for Mathis in the bedroom, and we don't mean the cramped, non-functional master closet. He found to his "surprise" a framed "Klu Klux Klan" application hanging on the wall. We confess we didn't realize the Klan had literal applications, as if there were a head of inhuman resources screening them for minimum requirements and red flags (e.g. the applicant is black or Jewish). We assume there are sections for describing how much you resent race mixing and listing all your "special skills" (hating, discrimination, Excel).
Yeah, that's real.Facebook
We've got a new book club coming up, some George Orwell history, Molly Ivins, and non-Newtonian cat physics.
The news continues to be terrible, and so we continue to need these weekly reminders that not everything is horrible -- just the biggest things going on right now! There, don't you feel a lot better?
In hyper-local news, a Boise man continues to enjoy having adopted a cat recently:
What's the deal with cats and boxes, huh?
That didn't take long.
Ayup, that is the spy we've been talking about all week long, the one who helped the Obama administration figure out things like "Vladimir Putin personally ordered the ratfucking operation to hurt Hillary Clinton and help install Dear Orange Leader Trump in office." Heckuva job, literally everyone!
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