You Guys, The Fifth Circuit Ruled *For* The Welfare Of Indian Children
We almost don't know what to say, yes we do, here's all of it!
Something weird happened last week: The Fifth Circuit US Court of Appeals did something ... good.
Yeah, it's weird.
Texas Governor-in-Waiting/Attorney General Ken Paxton, joined by the AGs of Louisiana and Indiana, is suing in an attempt to get courts to declare that white people have a right to steal Native American kids from their families and redistribute them amongst themselves. A district court judge obliged. Then, last week, the Fifth Circuit pushed back.
If I think too long about what it means that the Fifth Circuit is the voice of reason, here, I might start to bleed from my ears. So instead I'm just going to raise my glass to this rare Nice Time brought to us courtesy of the United States Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit.
How Are America's Gun Jerks And Terrorists Keeping Us Safe This Week?
Mostly by getting arrested, so ... yay?
The week since the El Paso and Dayton mass shootings has been awfully busy for America's heavily armed sociopath demographic! There have been a spate of bizarre gun threats involving Walmart, not to mention a bunch of white supremacists who got arrested after threatening mayhem in other locations. Plus the formal charges against the guy who threatened to shoot Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in late July, but who can remember the dim, misty past of three weeks ago?
Then again, every week is a busy one for Americans and their guns, with roughly 100 Americans dying by gunshot daily -- about 60 percent are suicides, about a third are homicides, and then there are accidents and "other" to round out the rest. Small price to pay to ensure we can overthrow the government like Thomas Jefferson wanted! For a nice depressing read, check out this Reuters overview of just a fraction of the gun deaths in the week between the mass shooting in Gilroy, California, and the murder sprees in Texas and Ohio.
On top of the normal background radiation of the 800 Americans dead (give or take, depending on the breaks) in routine shootings since Dayton, we've had a notable round of crazies with guns who were stopped from shooting anyone, at least so far. Let's tally those up, starting with an assload of threats involving Walmart, where low prices and uncertain odds of walking out alive are just the beginning.
John Cornyn Really Really Really Really Really Really REALLY Doesn't Want Beto To Run For Senate
BETO, YOU WERE BORN TO DO THIS.
This is ... pathetic.
You need a "Stand Against Beto Fund" to tell Beto O'Rourke that Texas does not want him to run for Senate, just in case Beto decides to run for Senate, which would be so bad that you need an extra fund, even though Texas does not want that? OK, buddy! We feel like we can see where you are coming from, John Cornyn! You're fuckin' scared.
The tweet linked below goes to an editorial from the Houston Chronicle imploring Beto to do just that. Come home. Run for Senate. WIN. As one might expect, they talked about the "what the fuck" heard 'round the world, when a journalist decided to ask him if Donald Trump's batshit eliminationist rhetoric about Hispanic invasions might be linked to a white guy driving hours and hours to murder Hispanic people, and publishing a manifesto on the internet that literally quoted the president's (and Fox News's) invasion rhetoric. "What the fuck," indeed.
The Chronicle addresses the obvious elephant in the room, which is that, so far at least, Beto's presidential bid hasn't worked out the way Vanity Fair thought it might. And that's OK. We guess his fortunes could turn around, but ... yeah no probably not.
However, we keep seeing things about the GOP losing its fucking marbles over Texas (we had a thing on it last week, partially about the insane number of Texas Republican congressmen who are getting the fuck out of Dodge before they get kicked out, and Politico has a new thing on it this week), and the more we think about it, the more we think Beto does need to be on Texas's ballot if we want 2020 to be the year when we finally tip Texas over and make it blue. Not saying he's the only one who could do it, but that we'd have a damn good shot at it.
Racist Trump Loves Racism, Hates Being Called Racist (Womp Womp, What A Racist!)
This post is about the president's feelings.
Know what Donald Trump hates? Being called a racist. Know what Donald Trump loves? Being racist. What a pickle he is in, if the pickle was wearing a red costume like the grand wizard of the KKK wears!
There are two articles out that are more fun when you put them next to each other. They are about the two subjects we just mentioned.
First up is the Washington Post, which reports that Trump is "vexed" about how to "shed the label" of "racist," which happens to be one of the best labels you can put on the man. (Another good one is "stupidest American in the history of the world." Also "Little Paws.") Apparently he has ALWAYS hated this, even though he has ALWAYS been a big old dumbfuck racist.
"For them to throw out the race word again — racist, racist, racist," Trump told reporters Friday as he departed the White House for a week-long vacation at his private golf club in Bedminster, N.J. "They call anybody a racist when they run out of cards."
Or when they are a racist.
Bill Maher: Champion Of Mediocrity
Underqualified white men, you have your champion!
Bill Maher is an assclown. This is not the first time we have outlined this. But it is important we set the stage at where we are. On the August 2 episode of “Real Time with Bill Maher," he ended his show with his usual “NEW RULES" segment, with the final one always a small rant. Here it is for context:
In this rant, Maher tried to convince his audience to support Joe Biden by talking down to them:
Fatigue is the best thing we've (Democrats) got going for us […] The voters that Democrats need to win, the moderates who have Trump fatigue, will vote against the good economy I think just to get back to normalcy. But they won't trade it away for left-wing extremism. […] This election is about 2 things: Fatigue and Fear. We have Fatigue, He has Fear. Fear of 'socialism', fear of 'open borders', fear of 'getting rid of private health insurance', fear of 'higher taxes.' He's running on "The communists are coming! Shit yourselves." We should run on “Elect Me and we can stop talking about him." All the Democrats have to do to win is to come off less crazy than him...and of course they're blowing it! Coming across as unserious people who are going to take away all your money so migrants from Honduras can go to college for free and get a major in “America Sucks." Now do I want Biden to be president? Not really, but Biden is the only one who beats Trump in Ohio. He's like non-dairy creamer: Nobody loves it but in a jam, it gets the job done[…] He's like a McDonald's when you're in Europe. I'm sick of hearing Democrats need to "excite the base." TRUMP EXCITES THE BASE! […] let the fatigue win the election for us. […]
​Sue Gordon's Resignation Letter To Trump Is Best 'F*ck You' Since ... Wait, Who's Sue Gordon Again?
Another highly qualified public servant bites the dust.
As we've been writing about Donald Trump's pathetic and terrifying search for a new Director of National Intelligence, now that Dan Coats is being quit-fired for being too decent and qualified, we've introduced y'all to a new character named Sue Gordon. By law, in the absence of a confirmed DNI, the principal deputy director of national intelligence is to become the acting DNI, and that's career CIA official Sue Gordon. She's extremely well-liked in the intel community, and anyway let's cut the shit, SUE GORDON, YOU'RE FIRED.
Gordon has "announced" that she totally wants to quit the same day as Dan Coats, which conveniently is the only legal way for Trump to get an acting DNI to his liking, instead of some dumb terrible person who does her job well and has the respect of her peers. You bet, this was for sure her very own idea!
Except nah.
As we mentioned in the headline, her resignation letter is a thing of beauty, but we're not talking about the official resignation letter itself, but the handwritten note Gordon appended to it. Therein lies the fuck you:
"Mr. President – I offer this letter as an act of respect & patriotism, not preference. You should have your team. Godspeed, Sue."
FUCK. Those 22 words speak VOLUMES. Translation: "Hey President Dickbag, I really am not in the mood to have my 30-year career ended because of the whims of a petulant shitmouthed authoritarian Putin puppet, but sure whatever, do what you want. See you in hell, LOVE, SUE."
In Case You Haven't Heard, We're Impeaching The Motherf*cker
JUST LIKE RASHIDA TLAIB SAID.
Last night, House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler gave everybody what they've been asking for, telling CNN's Erin Burnett that actually we are already in the formal impeachment process. Have we not been saying?
NADLER: This IS formal impeachment proceedings. We are investigating all the evidence, we're gathering the evidence, and we will at the conclusion of this, hopefully by the end of the year, vote articles of impeachment to the House floor, or we won't. That's a decision that we'll have to make. But that's exactly the process we're in right now.
And the people cheered, except some of the people were like "what?" and some of the other people were like "IN-PEACH! WHY WON'T YOU IN-PEACH!" and then some other people were still yelling at Nancy Pelosi ... the point is all the people in the crowd didn't chant the same exact thing, but that's OK.
Upon hearing this, we imagine Donald Trump threw a mighty fit and threatened to send Jerry Nadler back to his country, just kidding, Jerry Nadler is a white man, Trump didn't say that. But Nadler is Jewish, so we're sure President Bennetton Ad will come up with something offensive to say.
We've been noting that the House Judiciary Committee has been making serious and precise moves ever since the Robert Mueller testimony, filing to get the redacted 6(e) grand jury information from the Mueller Report, and this week, filing to enforce the subpoena on former White House counsel Don McGahn. In both filings, the word "impeach" has appeared no fewer than 80 bajillion times, so it's not like they're being subtle. On the Rachel Maddow program last night, Nadler confirmed the reason for getting a court to order McGahn's testimony, which is that a ruling compelling it will by extension open the floodgates for the committee to get every single other damning testimony it needs to fully flesh out its case against Trump, live and on TV.
But as Maddow noted last night, there are a couple other things happening right now that also will probably end up contributing to the ongoing formal impeachment proceedings underway:
Don McGahn, You Are TELL IT TO THE JUDGE!
Shit's 'bout to go down, y'all.
After Robert Mueller's public testimony, House Democratic leaders signaled that they were moving forward to get all the information they needed to decide on whether to proceed with articles of impeachment. A day after that, they kinda gave up the game and admitted the House Judiciary Committee is already conducting an impeachment inquiry, mentioning the word "impeachment" in a court filing demanding the 6(e) grand jury information from the Mueller Report no fewer than 7,000-eleventy times. Has this train left the station? Choo choo, motherfuckers!
Jared Kushner Officially More Dumber Than Father-In-Law
Who thought commuting Rod Blagojevich's sentence would make the Democrats fall in love with Trump? JARED!
Last night, as Donald Trump traveled back to DC after a long day of comforting himself before an audience of mass shooting victims, he made some news on Air Force One that nobody wanted or expected -- he's probably going to commute the sentence of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, the grifty garbage human former Illinois governor who was convicted and sentenced to 14 years in prison for trying to sell Barack Obama's former Senate seat.
And the people said ... heeeennnnngh? To be clear, there is nobody -- except the convict himself and his wife -- stanning for mercy to be rained down on Blago, who is beloved of no one. Democrats do not give a fuck about him. No one wants him back. No one cares. Nobody would piss on him if he was on fire. They might shit on him, though.
When we saw the tweet from Maggie Haberman, but before we actually read an article about it, our very first thought was that this is going to be just like the firing of James Comey. We joked on Twitter that in a couple months we were probably going to find out that dumbfucking stupid useless ass Jared Kushner had been in his popsy-in-law's ear telling him it would placate the Democrats, just like when he told Trump Democrats would shower praises upon him for firing Comey, because we're apparently too stupid to simultaneously be furious with Comey for his piss-poor handling of the Hillary Clinton investigation and also be able to correctly discern that Trump was only firing Comey to criminally obstruct the Russia investigation. (That was a thing Jared believed! Really! He is not smart!)
Look! Our receipt!
IT WAS A JOKE. Or it was supposed to be.
Trump In Dayton And El Paso Comforts And Consoles ... Himself
We're almost not even mad. This is amazing.
We don't know what was most embarrassing about Donald Trump's visits to El Paso and Dayton to "console" victims on Wednesday, so we'll just start with the tweets. We got a preview of what the tone would be when Trump garbage staffer Dan Scavino thought it would be cool to tweet this:
Yeah, fuck the Dems! All the victims worshiped Dear Leader, it was like getting mass shot up was totally worth it because they got to meet Trump in all his "rock star" orange shit-colored glory! And they got his autograph and some of them are still on his tour bus RIGHT NOW!
Who Said It? Donald Trump Or Neo-Nazi Derek From American History X?
A Wonkette quiz that never should have had to be written.
If you've never seen American History X, the story of a reformed neo-Nazi named Derek Vinyard who tries desperately to save his younger brother from the wages of the hateful life that sent him to prison for murder, you need to watch it tonight. Especially right at this moment in our history, the film is vital. Violent white supremacists are no longer relegated to the fringes of American society but instead have somebody they perceive as their champion, Donald Trump, in the Oval Office. And they're getting more violent. And they're killing people.
We watched it last night for the first time in almost two decades, and something struck us. There's a flashback scene of Vinyard, played by Edward Norton, rallying his troops, right before they storm an immigrant-owned grocery store to assault and terrorize the people who work there, and the words of the speech he gave as he literally incited them to violence sounded ... familiar.
But we couldn't put our finger on exactly what it reminded us of! (We put our finger directly on it, we are just teasing for hilarious comedic effect.)
So without further ado, it is WONKETTE QUIZ TIME. Here are 19 statements. Some of them were made by Derek Vinyard before he and his friends committed violent neo-Nazi hate crimes against immigrants, others were made by the sitting president of the United States. Can YOU tell the difference?
ARE YOU NOT COMFORTED EL PASO AND DAYTON?
Sorry about your Trump visit.
Donald Trump is Air Force One-ing off to Dayton and El Paso today so he can bring the nation together and comfort the wounded and the families of those killed in the two mass shootings over the weekend. He will meet with law enforcement and praise their quick response, then go to hospitals to mug and flash a thumbs-up sign while standing with doctors and wounded patients -- all of whom have been carefully screened to make sure they won't say anything embarrassing. Also, please ignore the local leaders who aren't all that crazy about his visits, because they're just trying to score political points.
Strzok Strikes Back
Karma's a bitch. And so is discovery.
He's baaaaaaaaack! He's been keeping his head down for a year, but now former FBI super agent Peter Strzok is back in DC, and he's suing the FBI and DOJ for wrongful termination and violation of his First Amendment rights. Calling it "indisputable that his termination was the result of President Trump's unrelenting retaliatory campaign of false information, attacks, and direct appeals to top officials," Strzok's lawyer Aitan Goelman demanded that his client be reinstated with back pay or compensated for lost income. If he survives a motion to dismiss and gets to discovery, this one's going to be a hot mess.
In August of 2018, after eleventy hundred harassing Trump tweets ordering the FBI to fire "the lying lovers" for investigating his campaign's ties to Russia, the FBI terminated Strzok -- despite the finding of the DOJ's own Inspector General that there had been no inappropriate bias in the investigation. On August 8, Strzok had accepted the "last chance agreement" offered by Assistant Director Candace Will of the FBI's Office of Professional Responsibility recommending that he be suspended for 60 days and bumped down a pay grade. But on August 9, Deputy FBI Director David Bowdich overruled Will and booted the 21-year employee anyway. He was even denied access to the normal appeals channels in apparent violation of his due process rights as a federal employee.
Naturally, Donald Trump wasted no time taking credit for the decision.
​Jason Isbell Gonna Set 30-50 Feral Hogs On Ben Shapiro Now
He has the patience for this.
Couple of things to get out of the way right now: If you don't know who Jason Isbell is, just pretend you do, do some Spotify homework, and then act like you were on the bandwagon the whole time. It's fine. Suffice it to say he's one of the best singer-songwriters we have right now, he's southern, he's liberal as fuck, and we can't say enough nice things about him. (Isbell used to be in Drive-By Truckers with fellow Alabama boy Patterson Hood, but then he left to embark on what has been a ridiculously fruitful and wonderful solo career. Isbell's wife is the brilliant Amanda Shires, who is in The Highwomen with Brandi Carlile, who recently went viral for playing with Dolly Parton at the Newport Folk Festival. Collectively, all the people we just mentioned are making some of the most vital music that's out there right now. And now you know some things!)
Second, if you don't know why the internet is talking about "30-50 feral hogs" right now, then you need to get a damn account on the internet and LEARN THINGS. There is an explainer on every website, but basically, the story is that Jason Isbell tweeted a thing about assault weapons, and some rando was like "WELL WHAT'M I 'POSED TO DO ABOUT THE 30-50 FERAL HOGS WHO SHOW UP IN A VERY SPECIFIC PERIOD OF TIME EVERY TIME MY YOUNG CHILDREN PLAY OUTSIDE?"
We guess he needs to shoot indiscriminately into the crowd of 30-50 feral hogs (and his children???) in order to control the situation. (And actually, that is not the correct way to handle 30-50 feral hogs. You have to blow them up. WE ARE ALL LEARNING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.)
As Vox notes, what began after that was perhaps the only good day in the history of Twitter. It's even better than what happens every two to three weeks when Andrew Lawrence from Media Matters decides to troll gunhumpers everywhere by insisting that the "AR" in "AR-15" stands for "assault rifle," and then sits back and watches them lose their fuckin' minds.
Which ... come to think of it, those two things are related. They involve the liberal internet using gunhumpers as chew toys and gunhumpers having conniptions, which brings us to Ben Shapiro, who has also decided that he'd like to play with Jason Isbell, who, on top of his talent, is reportedly just a very cool motherfucker, which would make him the polar opposite of Ben Shapiro, as humans go.
What we are saying is that this is not a fair fight.
President Yap-Stupid Workin' Hard Today, Just Kidding He's Hate-Tweeting At Clouds
WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE.
Good news, everyone, the real president is back. Oh wait, that is the opposite of good news. Well, anyway, the moron who sniffed and gummed his way through five or six canned words about how hate and murder in El Paso are bad, but did not see fit to mention Latinos in an address about the mass murder of Latinos, is back on his Twitter machine, which means he's A) watching Fox News instead of going to work, as usual, and B) expressing his true feelings on life, love and things that are Barack Obama's fault.
And oh, what a morning of Executive Time Poop-Squatting Twitter-Punching he's had!
First you should know that he's mad about Barack Obama's statement about our weekend of mass shooting terrorism, because Fox News told him to be mad.
Oh, You Thought Kellyanne Conway WASN'T Going To Blame Obama?
Professional liar blames Democrats, Obama for keeping Trump from healing the nation.
After this weekend's horrific yet depressingly preventable mass shootings in El Paso, Texas, and what Donald Trump believes was Toledo, Ohio, Republicans have focused on the scourge of video games and make-believe baby killing. They've actively avoided seriously addressing gun violence in America. Fortunately for the NRA-owned GOP, accountability is easy to dodge because it moves more slowly than the rounds from a high-powered .223 caliber firearm.
The president's paid bullshit artist, Kellyanne Conway, turned up this morning on "Fox & Friends" to feign human emotion and peddle lies while dealing rhetorical Three-Card Monte. She's upset that Democrats have "politicized" these tragic murders by trying to address their root causes like common lawmakers. Worse, they're not even politicizing American deaths fairly because there's blame to go around for everyone, specifically unrelated Democrats.
CONWAY: Let me tell you something. I'm hopping mad this morning, because I seen very little scant coverage that this Dayton shooter has been confirmed as having a Twitter feed that was supportive of Antifa, that's supportive of Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders...
The Dayton shooter's Twitter feed probably also indicated that he saw Avengers: Endgame because practically everyone saw Avengers: Endgame. It doesn't mean Captain America inspired his murder spree. Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders have never actively promoted violence, especially not gun violence. Republicans keep telling us that Warren in particular is coming for all our penis substitutes. Warren and Sanders don't regularly demonize the demographic to which the Dayton victims belonged. John Hinckley liked Jodie Foster, but she wasn't responsible for Ronald Reagan's attempted assassination -- unless Kellyanne Conjob plans to blow that cold case wide open.
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