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coronavirus

Mike Pence Will Edit All CDC Coronavirus Messages For Mentions Of Science, Truth, Boobies

No more of this 'disruption to everyday life' crap.

In a move that no one could have seen coming, one of the White House's first jobs for Mike Pence after making him Donald Trump's coronavirus czar was to tell the federal bureaucracy that "all statements and public appearances" concerning about the epidemic will have to be cleared through Pence first. The New York Times reports the administration wants y'all to understand this is not an attempt to subordinate scientists to the administration's political agenda, heavens no, why would anyone think that?

Officials insist the goal is not to control the content of what subject-matter experts and other officials are saying, but to make sure their efforts are being coordinated, after days of confusion with various administration officials showing up on television.

Yes, we're sure this has more to do with Larry Kudlow declaring the virus was all bottled up (Mmmm, bottles!) than with silencing that terrible Deep State Scientist lady all of wingnuttia is mad at for trying to make Trump look bad. If there's one thing this administration worries about, it's having a consistent message at all times, not people saying inconveniently true things.

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Conspiracy Theories

Rush Limbaugh So Mad Rod Rosenstein Invented Coronavirus With The Deep State And His Sister

Awesome. This is how we're gonna do public health crises in Trump's America. Neat.

Bad news, y'all. Rush Limbaugh, the well-known Nobel-Prize-winning epidemiologist, has figured out what is going on with this whole coronavirus thing.

Actually, we should say good news, because knowing is half the battle, when you are fighting a pandemic. And if there's anything Donald Trump's coronavirus press conference on Wednesday taught us, it's that the Americans in charge of the response to coronavirus know stuff. For instance, Trump knows it's just not gonna be that bad, because there's only like one American who has it, his name's Dale, and as long as Dale stays home instead of coughing all over everybody at Cracker Barrel like he usually does, we're all good. Oh, and Mike Pence! He knows viruses, and that is why he is the new czar of finding out if coronavirus is gay, praying the gay out of the coronavirus, refusing to let it share clean needles, and other scientific responses to disease. And if there's anything else Pence needs to know about coronavirus, he will have a meeting with the CDC, as long as it's not a lady CDC, because he's not allowed to be alone with lady, as per Second Lady Mother's instructions.

Relax, everyone, they GOT THIS.

But anyway, Rush Limbaugh. He knows where the hysteria over so-called coronavirus is coming from. You see, there's a woman from the CDC, Nancy Messonnier, the director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases. She really pissed Trump off when she said there will be "community spread" of coronavirus, and that "It's not so much a question of if this will happen anymore, but rather more a question of exactly when this will happen and how many people in this country will have severe illness." She said America needs to start preparing for that.

Where does THAT lady get off? Trump is trying to make the stock market great again by lying about coronavirus, HOW DARE SHE say real science!

You will understand HOW DARE SHE when you realize who Dr. Nancy Messonnier is. Tell us, Rush!

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coronavirus

Mike Pence Is Your New Czar Of Finding Out If Coronavirus Is Gay, Praying It Away

Or maybe he will just do for coronavirus what he did for HIV in Indiana. Either way, God help us.

There were two big takeaways from Donald Trump's big coronavirus presser last night. One that the scientists know what they're doing, and they're concerned, but Donald Trump wants you to look on the bright side and share his assumption that everything's gonna be just fine. The other is that Trump has handed the job of coordinating the government's response to Vice President Mike Pence -- apparently without informing HHS Secretary Alex Azar beforehand! -- and that should really make all of us worry more than a little bit, given Pence's shitty record on public health.

We refer in particular to Pence's mishandling of an HIV outbreak when he was governor of Indiana. At least there will be plenty of Thoughts and Prayers to keep the virus at bay. Unfortunately, several top posts at the Centers for Disease Control are held by women, so it's unclear at this point how long containing coronavirus may be delayed by having to work with Karen Pence's schedule to make sure Mother can attend all meetings between the VP and those temptresses.

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Conspiracy Theories

MAGA Troll Cassandra Fairbanks Is The Man Who Will Fight For Stinky Cat Lady Julian Assange's Honor

Let them fight dot gif.

These crossover episodes are out of control! Why have acting DNI Ric Grenell and alt-right troll Cassandra Fairbanks wandered into the Julian Assange extradition trial subplot?

Because everything under Donald Trump is bloody ridiculous is why!

Okay, let's walk through this one slow. But to avoid confusion, let's just stipulate from the start that we're going to wind up with Grenell -- the ambassador to Germany -- possibly leaking classified information about Assange to right-wing media hitman Arthur Schwartz, who in turn leaked it to Fairbanks. And yes, this is on top of all the shadyass countries Grenell took money from without bothering with a FARA registration. ALLEGEDLY.

Ready?

Right now, Assange is in a London courtroom fighting extradition to the United States to face charges of conspiracy to receive, obtain, and disclose national security information, and to commit computer intrusion. Last week his legal team disclosed that then-GOP Congressman Dana Rohrabacher attempted to broker a pardon if Assange would submit proof that someone other than Russia (i.e. Seth Rich) hacked the DNC's emails.

Yesterday his lawyers argued that, since national security offenses are classified under the Espionage Act, and since espionage is a purely political crime, Assange should be shielded from extradition as a political prisoner. We couldn't possibly comment on the vagaries of the English legal system, except to note that keeping the defendant in a glass cage separate from his counsel and barred from addressing the court directly is ... bizarre.

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Elections

How Racist Is GOP's Claim That Mike Bloomberg 'Bought' Lucy McBath? Pretty Damn!

You never come for Rep. McBath. You just don't.

Mike Bloomberg donated a crazy amount of money to Democratic candidates in 2018. That was very much appreciated. Unfortunately, at the Democratic debate Tuesday, Bloomberg might've accidentally on purpose implied that he owned the new Nancy Pelosi-led House.

BLOOMBERG: Let's just go on the record. They talk about 40 Democrats. Twenty one of those are people that I spent a hundred million dollars to help elect. All of the new Democrats that came in and put Nancy Pelosi in charge and gave the Congress the ability to control this president, I bough — I, I got them.

Just get Bloomberg a monocle and a top hat and he's Mr. Billionaire, the cackling lead in a political satire co-written by Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. It's bad enough that Bloomberg is assuming ownership for the blue wave, but his slip of the tongue is a gift to Republicans who'll -- without any sense of irony -- shame Democrats for accepting his money.

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coronavirus

Liveblogging Donald Trump's 'Our Friend The Coronavirus' Book Report

"The best way to stay healthy is to buy lots of stocks."

We're getting set for special coverage of Donald Trump's big press conference on the US response to the coronavirus, which he announced this morning in a tweet that whined about how the media and Democrats are blowing this very minor inconvenience out of proportion to hurt the stock market and hurt his chances for reelection, because that's exactly how his brain works.

Remember? Remember how he misspelled the virus and it's still up all these hours later?

The presser, to feature officials from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, is supposed to get underway at 6:30 Eastern, after Trump has attended a briefing on the virus, what the public health system is doing about it, and, presumably, why he can't actually fire the virus.

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News

Trump Fires 'Caronavirus' And Stock Market For Disloyalty, Refusing To Investigate Joe Biden

Great Man has America's best interests in mind, because he is America.

Donald Trump is getting worried about the coronavirus outbreak. He's not so much worried about the health of Americans, because no one who gets sick will be allowed within a quarter mile of him. But stock markets are dropping all around the world on fears of how the disease will affect global supply chains, and the Washington Post reports Trump is "furious" about that display of disloyalty, especially in an election year.

Trump explained on Twitter this morning that everything is just fine, and that the stock markets are being deliberately lied to by his enemies, who are lying about the "Caronavirus."

Don't believe the media! Instead, listen to the guy who has the best information! Trump is on top of the Corollavirus. It's far easier to contain than the Camryvirus, especially the version with the 3.5 liter V6 and heated seats. Now if Trump could just explain why European markets are also down. Must be a whole lot of French investors watching MSNBC.

We've taken a screenshot of Trump's misspelling, but frankly we expect that by the end of the day the virus will be officially renamed from its current designation as "SARS-CoV-2" (turns out "Covid-19" is the disease, not the virus, please update your files) to "Caronavirus Democrat Death Virus." At least on Fox News.

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White House

Trump Regime's Newest Power-Player Allowed To Eat Pizza Whenever He Wants, Doesn't Even Have Curfew

What's he doing Friday night? Slow dancing with girls.

Y'all remember Hot Johnny, yeah? John McEntee used to be Donald Trump's "body man" at the White House, until one day in 2018 when he got ass-walked off the premises because he was being investigated for Serious Financial Crimes, couldn't get a clearance, or apparently even pass a background check. Turns out it was gambling problems of some sort, but the point is we named him Hot Johnny because in Trump's sea of unfuckable deplorables -- see: Stephen Miller -- he had a pretty face.

Johnny (everybody calls him Johnny) got shuffled off to the Trump campaign, and then recently came back to the White House to lead the Presidential Personnel Office, where he has been masterminding The Purge of Trump White House officials deemed insufficiently loyal to America the regime. This is probably good for White House morale, because reportedly everybody just loved Hot Johnny, he made them feel good, and he was also Johnny With The Good-Natured Practical Jokes. Sometimes he even wrote people fake notes and said they were from Donald Trump, hahahahahahahahahahahaha Hot Johnny, just fucking shut up and take your pants off.

Hey look, it's Hot Johnny:

ANYWAY, Politico reports that Trump's fresh-faced fascist purge boy has made a new hire of his own, to be his right-hand man, and it is ... some college guy! Is it Hot Johnny's college boyfriend? Who can say! Point is, Hot Johnny's (Allegedly!) College Boyfriend is 23, his names is James Bacon, he goes to George Washington University, and he is allowed to have pizza whenever he wants and stay out past curfew, HAHA JUST KIDDING, JIMBO DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A CURFEW, on account of how he is a grown-up man now, with body hair on his Down Theres and everything!

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Legal

Roger Stone's Genius Lawyers Pretty Sure Scary Black Lady Tricked Them Into Botching Jury Selection

Go to jail, asshole!

What did Judge Amy Berman Jackson ever do to deserve Roger Stone and his endless antics? After dropping Stone's motion for judicial recusal in the courthouse dumpster where it belongs, Her Honor was subjected to a four-hour hearing on his motion for a new trial Because of Mean Black Lady Juror. It was RIDICULOUS.

What is not ridiculous, though, and not even a little bit funny, is Trump's brazen attacks on the jury foreperson and Judge Jackson during this trial. It is frankly terrifying that the president of the United States is putting a target on the back of a private citizen who did her civic duty as an independent jurist.

You will be shocked, shocked to find that he was sending these tweets during the hearing yesterday. And also that Bill Barr failed to resign in protest.

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Trump

Donald Trump Thinks He Is 'America.' If That Doesn't Horrify You, You Aren't Paying Enough Attention.

Trump said in India that his purge is fine because he's just eliminating people who are disloyal to OUR COUNTRY. By which he means himself.

Allow us to highlight a thing King Trump said to reporters in India, when he wasn't busy shit-tweeting Supreme Court justices for failing to lick his butt the way he likes. He was asked about the purge happening back in Washington DC, the little rampage he's been on ever since he was falsely "acquitted" in the Senate impeachment trial, in which he's summarily eliminating all employees he and his devotees believe aren't sufficiently loyal to him.

TRUMP: I think we had a whistleblower who was a fake, because if you look at the whistleblower as an example, if you look at his report, and then you compare that to the transcripts, it bore no relationship, so that was a very sad situation, and a lot of time, a lot of time wasted ...

They were the exact same, you fucking liar. (Here is the Whistleblower Report. Here is the READ THE TREAJS;DKJATIP!)

TRUMP: We want to have people who are good for the country, who are loyal to our country, because that was a disgraceful situation.

Would that he were actually firing people who were truly disloyal to the country, but LOL no. (Though we should note that we've tried that before as a nation and it didn't go real well.)

He thinks he is the state. Got that? Donald Trump thinks he is the state. He thinks America and himself are one and the same.

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justice department

How Much Sh*tshow Is Bill Barr's Justice Department Right Now? This Much Sh*tshow.

Scenes from inside the DC US attorney's office, where allllllllllll the shit's been going down.

Before we forget, we wanted to highlight some great reporting from Katie Benner and Adam Goldman at the New York Times on what's really been going on in the Justice Department and the DC US attorney's office, which has been handling (or not handling) cases involving a lot of the crimes committed in service of Donald Trump. It provides some important context to Trump's ongoing attacks on the Roger Stone judge and jury and prosecutors, who have obviously all been colluding with reality to convict yet another Trump buddy of so many fucking crimes. It also gives some more background to the ouster of former DC US Attorney Jessie Liu, a Trump appointee, because while she was willing to do a lot in service of Trump, she apparently didn't kiss the ring enough.

Liz wrote for you yesterday on the shadow campaign to get Liu fired, led by Senate Judiciary Committee staffer/idiot Barbara Ledeen, as part of Clarence Thomas's wife Ginni Thomas's Trump witch hunt campaign to purge everyone deemed insufficiently loyal to Dear Leader. (Trump, by the way, told reporters today in India that his enemies list purge is a good thing for "America," because of how that stupid fascist motherfucker thinks he is literally "America.")

Liu had committed some sins, you see, like refusing to LOCK HER UP Brett Kavanaugh's accusers, and not indicting former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, and signing sentencing recommendations for Michael Flynn that featured prison, just because he committed crimes. It's not that she didn't try, especially with McCabe. It's just that these Deep State grand juries kept coming back and saying, hello, your "case" is bullshit. As Liz wrote, Liu's greatest sin seems to be that she was unwilling to literally invent charges against McCabe and others who made the president's butt itch and hurt his feelings.

But did we mention she TRIED? She TRIED:

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White House

Trump Administration Totally On Top Of Coronavirus Thing, Will Ask Twitter If They Have Any More Questions

It's almost like government by tweet is a bad thing.

Stock markets have been dropping due to fears that the Covid-19 coronavirus could become a global pandemic, so Donald Trump took a little time away from hugging a fellow authoritarian leader in India yesterday to reassure a worried nation that everything's perfectly all right. We're fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?

Just to reinforce Trump's insistence that all is well, (acting) Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security Ken Cuccinelli, AKA perennial Wonkette favorite Saint Cooch Nobortions, a member of Trump's coronavirus task force -- really -- took to Twitter to ask why he couldn't see a non-governmental website about the outbreak.

See? Everything's just fine! TOP MEN.

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Trump

Dear Leader Knows Who Is Illegitimate, And It Is Supreme Court Ladies Who Hurt His Feelings

Just another mile-marker on our uniquely American road to shithole authoritarianism.

Donald Trump is in India doing the important work of the American people, if by "important work" you mean whining at the liberal women justices of the Supreme Court on Twitter.

Really glad to know that even on his foreign travels, that loser still doesn't miss a minute of his beloved Fox News.

It appears white nationalist-friendly Fox News asshole Laura Ingraham was "reporting" on Justice Sonia Sotomayor's dissent in the Supreme Court's decision to lift a stay and allow Trump's latest fascist white nationalist immigration policy -- one that would impose a wealth test on people seeking green cards, because that's such a big part of Emma Lazarus's Statue of Liberty poem -- and Trump, as ever, was rage-watching his TV from atop his golden shitter.

And now he wants Sotomayor and also Ginsberg [sic because President WordStupid can't spell] to recuse from any case that begins with his name, because clearly if you don't give Trump his imaginary Article II right to do whatever he wants, you are being "unfair." In other words, on top of all elected Democrats and all the career people at the Justice Department, our orange crusty fascist shitlord now views the liberal justices on the Supreme Court as illegitimate. They are in the way of the crime and corruption and fascism he wants to commit, after all, like common Marie Yovanovitches!

Oh also one time Ruth Bader Ginsburg called him a name, and then said she was sorry, so ...

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Feminininism

Idaho 'Pro-Life' Republican Casually Wonders Why No One Has Nuked Planned Parenthood

So pro-life!

The grand irony of "pro-lifers" in America, is that over the years, many of them have turned to killing and injuring people to spread their message that "killing" clumps of cells is wrong.

At a recent town hall in Hayden, Idaho, Rep. Vito Barbieri (R-Dalton Gardens), wondered out loud, in a room full of people, why no one had nuked the Planned Parenthood on State Street, in Boise. Apart from the fact that it is very unlikely that the Army of God has access to nuclear weapons.

Which, just for the record, is a thing we should probably all be very grateful for.

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justice department

Did Mike Flynn's Pal Barbara Ledeen Get A Prosecutor Fired For Failing To LOCK HER UP Trump's Enemies List?

Sure looks like it!

Let's talk about Senate Judiciary Committee staffer Barbara Ledeen and her unrelenting assault on the rule of law in this country. Axios reported yesterday that Ledeen is part of Ginni Thomas's coven trying to turn the federal government into a year-round CPAC convention. It also claims the conservative activist personally authored a hit-piece on former US Attorney for DC urging the president to fire her for failing to launch un-predicated, political prosecutions of Trump's enemies. And Ledeen did it all from her perch as a congressional staffer, paid by American taxpayers, and given access to classified US intel materials. Neat, huh?

When Barbara Ledeen, an ardent anti-feminism activist, met Michael Ledeen, a warmongering neo-con from way back when that term actually meant something, it was love at first sight. Probably. The couple are longtime allies of former NSA Michael Flynn, and the two men actually wrote a book together in 2016 on the "war" with "radical Islam." As confirmed in the Mueller Report, Barbara Ledeen and Flynn wandered into the Dark Web in 2016 to see if they could get their hands on Hillary Clinton's emails, a field trip underwritten by mercenary merchant Erik Prince. Yep, her Twitter TL is just exactly as batshit as you think it is.

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Russia

PSA: Do Not Fall For Trump's Gaslighting Bullsh*t About Russia's 2020 Election Attacks

Looking at you, CNN.

We've now officially known for several days what pretty much anybody could have told you, if they've been paying attention. Russia is actively interfering with the 2020 election right now as we speak, just like Robert Mueller said they would, they're doing it to help Donald Trump get re-elected, and they're also fucking around in the Democratic primary trying to boost the Bernie Sanders campaign. Or more properly, they're trying to boost conspiracy theories about the establishment trying to steal the nomination from Bernie, just like Donald Trump is doing. Of course, if Bernie wins the nomination, Russia's meddling will change and they'll turn hostile against him, because their true candidate is Vladimir Putin's best boy Trump.

Rght on cue, here comes the gaslighting from Trump-land! And unfortunately, some people are buying it, people who should know better. (Rhymes with "Lake Snapper.")

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