CNN: Give Jim Acosta Back His Press Pass Or HE WILL KILL AGAIN
OK maybe they're just suing the Trump administration over how it's being all fascist and shit.
CNN is suing Donald Trump, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and others in an attempt to get Jim Acosta's press credentials restored. CNN attorneys argue that whatever lame excuse the White House fabricated about his beating an intern to death with a microphone, the real reason Trump suspended his White House pass was plain old not liking CNN's coverage, and that there is an unconstitutional violation of the First Amendment.
Lindsey Graham Knows What White Ladies Want
Why can't they all be like Susan Collins?
Senator Lindsey Graham has lamented that his party performed "fairly poorly with suburban women in some of these House districts." This is the canny political observation of a seasoned operator who watched dozens of Republican seats in the suburbs fall to Democrats. The running GOP theory leading up to the midterms was that the districts that voted for Mitt Romney in 2012 but switched to Hillary Clinton in 2016 did so only because of an aversion to Donald Trump. Without Trump himself on the ballot in 2018, these areas would remain loyal to Republican candidates. This did not happen.
We all recognize that "suburban women" is code for white women, specifically well-off, well-educated white women who are probably watching "This Is Us" right now. So, when the election returns came in from suburban districts on election night, it was clear that this prized demographic had fled Trump's party.
Kellyanne Conway Knows Who Is An Idiot, And It Is Her Husband
Oh boy.
Hello Wonks! With cabinet members getting terminated by Trump faster than his likely (ALLEGED!) unprotected sex induced pregnancies, we figured we'd check in with Kellyanne Conway, who will never leave, to see what she's been up to the past couple of days. Spoiler: she thinks her husband is an idiot.
Conway made multiple appearance on the Sunday shows to spin the "truth" on Trump's replacement of Confederate Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions ...
Trump Stops Yelling At Clouds For Three Days, Hides From Them Instead
OK we're kidding, he's still yelling at clouds.
Donald Trump is back from Paris, shaking off his incredibly challenging weekend surrounded by globalists who hate America. Along the way, he blew off visiting an American WWI cemetery Saturday because "rain," scowled his way through a ceremony marking the 100th anniversary of the Armistice, at which French President Emmanuel Macron condemned rampant nationalism, and then finally got to have a Dead-Americans-Only commemoration of WWI at a different US cemetery outside Paris, where he still couldn't resist joking about how nice it must have been to be one of the American WWII veterans in attendance, shielded from the weather. And once he got home, he's doing nothing -- maybe golfing? Dunno -- because it's a holiday of some kind. No public appearances on his schedule. It's not like he'd lay a wreath at Arlington, because this is not Memorial Day, and also it's raining.
Oh wait, no it's not.
Also, Arlington National Cemetery is two miles from the White House. But let's be fair -- perhaps Trump is worried the mist will make him have a bad day or maybe he is a Gremlin and can't come in contact with water or maybe he has just been living with rabies this whole time and that's why he can't risk it.
Looks Like Kyrsten Sinema Just Deported Martha McSally To McLoserville
Another Senate pickup! And a special goodbye to Dana Rohrabacher also too!
Senator Sinema, FTW! Maricopa County dropped another batch of votes last night, bringing the Arizona Democrat's lead up to about 32,000. McSally would have to take the remaining uncounted votes by a margin of 22 percent to win at this point. Which means Martha McSally is more likely to melt from someone throwing a bucket of water on her than to take Jeff Flake's seat.
Remember last Wednesday when Trump gave that bonkers presser and bragged about "retiring" Jeff Flake?
Hey, THANKS, DONALD!
Trump Knows The DODGY DOSSIER Is Stealing Elections For Democrats, And HE. IS. PISSED.
There is no conspiracy theory too stupid for President Early Bird Menu to latch onto.
Hey you guys, Donald Trump has a new conspiracy theory festering up inside his molten orange butthole, and it is that Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia to make a fake DODGY DOSSIER that is now voting for Democrats from coast to coast, creating a make-believe NO BLUE WAVE, NO BLUE WAVE, YOU ARE THE BLUE WAVE. This is obviously why in these very close, uncalled races, they keep "finding" votes.
No, we are not fucking around, and yes, the president of the United States continues to be the stupidest fucking human being alive.
Thanks For All The Electoral Victories, Donald! Love, Nancy Pelosi And The Deep State Liberals
No, really.
Remember Wednesday when Donald Trump gave that bat guano insane press conference congratulating himself for losing the House? President Sundowner said a lot of craycray shit that day, but crapping all over Republicans who lost in swing districts because they didn't support him was pretty next level.
By any measure, the GOP got shellacked in the House, with losses headed for about 35 to 40 seats, since voters preferred the Democrats by a 7 point margin. They lost Senate races in swingy Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Nevada, and Virginia, and are currently tied in Arizona and Florida. (And in known swing state "Texas," they came within THREE POINTS of losing.) But in Donald Trump's scrambled egg brain, the problem was that Rep. Barbara Comstock didn't kiss Trump's ass enough. If she and Carlos Curbelo had just campaigned wearing MAGA hats, in districts Clinton won by double digits, they would have coasted to victory! Like Scott Walker in Wisconsin, and Adam Laxalt in Nevada, and Jim Renacci in Ohio, and Matt Rosendale in Montana, and Lena Epstein in Michigan, and ummmm ...
Lucy McBath Going To Congress! Dana Rohrabacher Probably Going Home To Russia, Or Maybe Jail!
The Blue Wave is bigger than we thought, y'all.
There are so many House races (and Senate races and gubernatorial races) still uncalled, but it looks like the Blue Wave is getting bigger and wavier! So far the Dems have gained more than enough seats to take the House, and a shitload are still outstanding but many of them look very good for us. Yay!
This tweet from GOP Rep. Karen Handel of Georgia's 6th district is the sweetest thing we have seen in a whole day:
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
The Mueller killer is IN THE HOUSE.
Okay, NOW WE PANIC. Trump firing Attorney General Jeff Sessions and shoehorning in partisan meathead Matthew Whitaker to murder the Mueller investigation during the lame duck session is DEFCON 1. The White House knows Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings, and Eric Swalwell are about to investigate the shit out of them, and they're reasonably confident that the Special Counsel has indictments in the works for Don Jr. for lying to Congress and conspiracy to violate campaign finance law, among other things.
Which is why John Kelly called Sessions yesterday morning and told him to get out immediately, refusing even to let the Attorney General finish out the week. If you believe Vanity Fair, the White House expected Junior to be indicted as soon as today, so they needed the Mueller slayer in place to put the kibosh on it ASAP. And this time, they weren't going to take a chance with someone ethical. Enter Matthew Whitaker, a partisan hack who isn't afraid to plunge his hands into a mixture of slime mold and shit, right on up to the shoulders.
CHIN UP, F*CKERS! We Have Only Just Begun To Win So Much We'll Get Sick Of Winning
Can we stop being sad sacks for a minute, please?
Did you wake up this afternoon in a puddle of your own gin-soaked filth, and very sad about Beto and Andrew Gillum and all the other people you have fallen in mad love with losing their races last night? (Rebecca did, but she woke up at the PROPER MORNING TIME in her own gin filth.) Are you freaking out now that Donald Trump has fired Jeff Sessions and the future of the Russia investigation is in danger? Awwwwwwwww, we are sorry, but STOP THAT, because we need to actually take some time to focus on what a badass night America had last night.
Last night's midterms were disappointing in some ways. We get it! We all really wanted last night to be a 100% repudiation of everything Donald Trump has done to America, and a Beto win or an Andrew Gillum win (we still don't know WTF is going to happen with Stacey Abrams, which is why we're not including her in this list) would have been a massive symbol of that repudiation, one we all really need on a core, gut level. But we didn't get it. (Possibly because they were stolen, because that's always a possibility when competing with the GOP.) Regardless, it's time we take a rest and then get right back into the fight, because those wins are out there for us, in 2020 and 2022 and 2024 and literally every other election for the rest of our lives.
But can we take a moment to recognize the sheer amazingness of all the stuff that happened last night?
Trump Is Handling The Loss Of The House Exactly As Well As Expected
POORLY. He's handling it POORLY.
RUH ROH. Looks like someone just explained to President Babyshits that he had a really, really bad night last night. Which is probably why he was 25 minutes late for the press conference held downstairs from his bedroom and arrived slurring his words and looking like he slept under a bridge. Then he started talking.
HO. LEE. SHIT.
It started off slow, with the guy whose party took hundreds of millions from Sheldon Adelson, the Koch brothers, and the Mercers -- as well as "in-kind technical assistance" from a foreign power -- shouting about Democrats being bankrolled by "wealthy donors." Then it was on to some made up statistics, his favorite kind.
Let's Toast Our Winners, Gloat Over GOP Losers Because We're Petty That Way
Good news from the frontlines!
Election night upsets are what justify getting only five hours sleep because you stayed up watching returns. What happened in Florida, Georgia, and Texas -- while upsetting -- aren't genuine upsets. They are both disappointing and something the "man, this country bites" part of you expected to happen all along. So, let's focus on the fun upsets, where creeps are sent packing and good folks prevail.
Lucy McBath, Georgia's Sixth District
This is the district Tom Price vacated to screw over the nation during a short-lived and shameful tenure as secretary of Health and Human Services. McBath is an electoral Batman -- inspired to run for office after her 17-year-old son, Jordan Davis, was murdered by a gun-toting white asshole in 2012. Davis couldn't vote for his mom but the 15 percent of black folks in the suburban Atlanta district sure as hell did. She will probably defeat the anti-gay by even Anita Bryant standards Karen Handel. I say "probably" because there's likely a recount and the assorted underhanded Georgia shadiness to plow through first, but McBath's kicked breast cancer's ass twice so I think she's got this. For Jordan.
Oh, and I'm officially greenlighting a "Lucy McBath" movie, and I expect a Best Actress nomination -- not Best Supporting, Best Actress -- for the
lead (Zoe Saldana or Kerry Washington), not Emma Stone or Mandy Moore or whoever they cast to play Handel.
Remembering 10 Years Since We Baracked The Vote
This was our moment.
Sunday marked the 10th anniversary of Barack Obama's election as the first black US president. Ten years! What an epic night. People were celebrating in the streets like the original ending of Return of the Jedi. Black folks were crying ... good tears, not the "does anyone know the nearest stop for the Underground Railroad?" tears from 2016. We had achieved something unprecedented. So many states, including Florida or Georgia, had never even had a black governor (not yet) but the US had a black commander-in-chief. It was a milestone Americans of all races could appreciate, because it meant that racism was officially over. A former coworker had already insisted this happened in 2003 when Halle Berry won an Oscar (so "Spike Lee can just shut up!") but this was less irrational.
I tend to only use the term "post-racial America" ironically, but the notion was
promoted in all earnestness back in 2008 when Obama looked to do the impossible. The beautiful dream was that the country was becoming more diverse and more tolerant. The less attractive reality was we were only becoming more diverse.
When Obama crushed war hero John McCain, black voters made up 13 percent of the electorate. White voters were 74 percent -- a staggering 15 percent drop since Ronald Reagan's 1980 victory over Jimmy Carter. Roughly the same percentage of white people voted for McCain as they did Reagan.
Why Are We Yelling At the New York Times Today? ALL OF IT, KATIE.
Won't someone please help?
The New York Times is Grey Ladying itself all over the news again, and holy fuckballs are they making a sad hash of what could have been perfectly responsible journamalism. Like, the kind of journamalism that manages to tell the truth without equivocation or slant, but that also manages to be HONEST, for fuckssakes. Let's take a quick look at their latest bullshitty both-sides bullshit, shall we?
Jacob Wohl's Imaginary Robert-Mueller-Accusing Girlfriend Had To Go Back To Canada We Guess
SHUT UP, SHE IS TOO REAL.
Guys, we have some bad news. We had been looking forward to today, when the double genius duo of Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman would turn the Russia No Collusion Witch Hunt OOPSY DAISY UPSIDE DOWN with their press conference (at the Holiday Inn in Rosslyn, Virginia, naturally) where a very credible woman they DID NOT PAY would come forward to say that special counsel Robert Mueller had raped or sexually assaulted her.
Oh don't worry, the press conference is still happening (right now in fact!), because THE SHOW MUST GO ON! It's just that the accuser isn't there, because, despite how she is totally real and stuff, she FEARS FOR HER LIFE.
Trump Explains Pittsburgh Loves Him, So It Was A Very Nice Day
Protests? What are you, crazy?
Donald Trump took to the Twitter Box this morning to proclaim that his visit to console the grieving families of Pittsburgh was a HUGE SUCCESS yesterday, because it went just fine for him, and therefore there is no reason to think his visit was anything other than yet another triumph. The thousands who protested Trump's visit and condemned his hatemongering may have disagreed, but honestly, they're just fake news and malcontents, aren't they?
After all, if Donald Trump didn't see a protest that was very far away -- again, thousands of protesters, one block north of the Tree of Life synagogue -- then it was very small and pretty much didn't happen at all, right?
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