DC Comics HEREBY ORDERS Batman Be Crappy At Sex
This is actually weirder than when comics publishers insisted that Superman and Batman never had sex, supposedly so they'd have something in common with their fans. Dean Cain, star of the 1990s “Lois & Clark" series, explained at the time why he thought his character was a virgin.
"He had had the opportunity [to have sex] and he's thought about it," the actor reasons, "but he is the most moral guy on Earth and he decided that he would save himself for his special person."
That's certainly Clark Kent's choice but it's not what makes him a hero. It's all the saving of lives. Besides, shouldn't he have tested that super dick before his wedding night? I don't mean to be prejudiced but he is an alien. He should have sex for the first time with a human woman in a controlled laboratory environment, like the one at Madonna's house.
I heard the elevators in the bat cave only go up.— Gail Simone (@Gail Simone)1623701326.0
Superman grew up in Kansas, so he's capable of anything. However, no one seriously believed the goddamn Batman was chaste. His alter ego is a "billionaire playboy." I remember reading some bizarre theory that Bruce Wayne paid women he dated to claim they had sex, which would have created its own set of rumors. Batman as Rock Hudson is very 1950s.
In 2011, DC Comics published an actual comic, one freely available to kids, where Batman and Catwoman fucked themselves stupid. It's no longer playful innuendo. It's in every room and on every surface.
DC Comics
So, the objection isn't that Batman and Catwoman have sex outside of the bonds of matrimony. DC won't accept Batman giving a woman oral pleasure. This is how DC tells us it's run by men without telling us it's run by men. Someone actually opened his mouth and said, "It's hard to sell a toy if Batman is also going down on someone." You know Halpern's telling the truth because it's just too bonkers a statement to make up. As someone who owns a lot of Batman-related toys that I let my son look at and even touch on special occasions, I guarantee that I'd buy the fuck out of a "Harley Quinn" Batman figure with oral sex action. If DC is so worried about selling toys, they should get some therapy and then get to work on that "Harley Quinn" toy line. It's been almost two years. Where's my goddamn Sanaa Lathan Catwoman?
Before I go, I also want to clear up some slander about my boy Adam West. You can mock the 1960s “Batman" series if you want (just not in my presence), but West fucked around for real during the series run. He even got kicked out of an orgy with Frank Gorshin, who played the Riddler.
WEST: We walked in and it was an orgy. So I immediately went into the Batman character, and Frank went into the Riddler character, because we were getting the big giggles. It was so funny to us, what we walked into. And we were kicked out. We were expelled from the orgy.
Folks on social media claim that West's Batman was the least likely to go down on Catwoman, which is absurd. We're talking about Julie Newmar here. The only obstacle was Robin. Catwoman doesn't step-mom.
And West's Batman would've definitely taken the scenic route with Lee Meriwether's Catwoman. As the man said, “What use is a dream if not a blueprint for courageous action!" That ... actually doesn't make a lot of sense, but the Bat-Brain was focused on other things.
[Complex]
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Loser Trump Can't Get Book Deal, Can't Blog, Not Allowed To Tweet, Is Basically Worthless
"[I]t would be too hard to get a book that was factually accurate, actually," said one major figure in the book publishing industry, explaining their reluctance to publish Trump. "That would be the problem. If he can't even admit that he lost the election, then how do you publish that?"
You could publish it under the "fantasy" genre. You could call it The Hobbit! Or ... The Little Prince! Oh wait, those titles are taken.
Politico notes that this situation is "unheard of," but then again, America's never had such a loser for a president. Politico says "absence of Trump's own words from the literary world," and then we couldn't finish reading that sentence because we were laughing too hard.
Noted New York Times reporter Habes McGillicuddy says Trump is very mad about all this, especially the part where Mike Pence gets to write a book — two books, in fact! Simon & Schuster is a fucking idiot — but he doesn't:
Pence’s book deal is said to have been grating on him https://t.co/elFcsBI1oR— Maggie Haberman (@Maggie Haberman)1623441729.0
But no! According to the one-inch mouth-hole of Trump spox Jason Miller, he's not mad that Pence gets to write down his memoir:
[H]is spokesperson Jason Miller insisted that he was "fine with it" and had "no issues."
Sure.
The same day, Trump had (almost certainly lied and) said he had so many offers for book deals he was sick of book deals:
"I turned down two book deals, from the most unlikely of publishers, in that I do not want to do such a deal right now."
Donald Trump's book deal goes to a different school. You don't know his book deal. Also he didn't take that book deal.
"I'm writing like crazy anyway."
Person, woman, man, camera, TV. There's five words right there!
"When the time comes, you'll see the book of all books."
OK.
"Actually, I've been working on a much more important project right now!"
Well, we guess he has an extra 15 minutes a day now that he's shuttered his LiveJournal.
Monday, Trump clarified that "two of the biggest and most prestigious publishing houses have made very substantial offers which I have rejected." Politico checked with the biggest and most prestigious publishing houses and five out of five of them said no, they have not offered Trump a book deal, and "most said they wouldn't touch a Trump project when he does start shopping a book around."
Let's remember, though, that when Trump claims to have gotten offers from BIGGEST AND MOST PRESTIGIOUS publishing houses, this is also a man who refers to people like Rudy Giuliani and the MyPillow guy as "highly respected." Whenever Trump says somebody or something is HIGHLY RESPECTED, they are usually the absolute laughingstock of their profession, a criminal, or both.
Or as one of Politico's sources put it:
"It's likely that a few unlikely people did approach him!" one industry source said in a text message, before adding a joke. "But that could be, like, a publisher in Zimbabwe," they texted, with a laughing/crying emoji.
Maybe Donald Trump's book can be one of the YouTubes the MyPillow guy prints out!
More book industry people texting Politico and kicking the loser while he's down:
Another said that they were confident that some people did write to Trump after he left the White House to offer him a book deal, which would instantly put any conservative imprint on the map.
"Somebody could have offered him 100 dollars," the person said. "It doesn't mean anything."
"I'm skeptical," added another publishing insider when asked if they believed Trump's statement that he had gotten two offers. "He's screwed over so many publishers that before he ran for president none of the big 5 would work with [him] anymore."
Once again, we are talking about the immediate former president of the United States.
Who is banned from Twitter.
And Facebook.
And didn't have the work ethic for "blog."
And is under criminal investigation in more than one state.
And is so lonely he's showing up to memorials at Mar-a-Lago — yes, memorials — to beg for attention.
Yesterday was his 75th birthday. Does anyone even care?
[Politico]
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