Mommyblogging
It's Your Virtual Joe Biden Inauguration Vendor Cart!
Catch the blue train places never been before.
January 20, 2021 07:00 AM
Hello, good morning, welcome to the first day of the rest of our lives!
The other night, as we were parceling out our Inauguration Day Advent Calendar mini liquor bottles, my son what prints your merches in our basement factory said, regarding the only two days remaining before our long national nightmare would (PRESUMABLY) come to an end, "Already? That was fast!" and my husband almost murdered him right there in the kitchen where he stood.
"'FAST'? 'ALREADY'?" he bellowed, followed by a cartoon string of epithets. He had a really good point! Every single day of the past four years has been a fight to even continue existing, and that's before the shithead that unaccountably somehow got "elected" president of the United States affirmatively killed more than 400,000 Americans and attempted to murder democracy itself.
It has been, dear ones, a trial.
Four years ago, I put "three months" in the office pool for how long it would be before Trump got bored and resigned because people were mean to him. I undershot it by 45 months. You should never ever ever listen to me.
<p>But we have survived, except for those 400,000 of our friends and neighbors, which still spatters my poor little brains across the wall. Obviously he couldn't react properly and use the bureaucracy to provide states medicine and PPE. But it would have cost him nothing to say, "The Democrats want to shut down the country, but we are STRONG! We must <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/face-masks" target="_blank">WEAR MASKS</a> and go back to work instead of cowering in fear!" And his idiots would have put on the biggest face-merkins they could imagineer. How do you make a culture war out of <em>not dying of an infectious disease?</em></p><p class="media-headline"><strong><br></strong></p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-rebelmouse-image">
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTUwMjc3NC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzMjI4NTExNH0.Ls3jQyKThMRj_CJUF85dEC4sg4MvYSEu8ULwqqRqpTk/img.jpg?width=980" id="e7b1c" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="51ac255bdc2686b5b406c280f13822da" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="940" data-height="705">
<small class="image-media media-caption" placeholder="Add Photo Caption..."><a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/face-masks" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/face-masks</a></small></p><p><br></p><p>That was only the last year of our lives so far. Before then there were three years of everything else in the entire world. I can't even remember it, can you? Good. We're better off that way.<br></p><p>There was a headline yestertoday I didn't click on, "Joe Biden, Our Imperfect President," because who cares? Nobody expects him to be perfect, and I imagine that was probably their point, and also fuck them. He's old, <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/joe-biden-2020/products/old-handsome-joe-biden-mens-and-womens-tees-womens-tanks" target="_blank">he's handsome, </a>he's a nice fella, and probably none of our beloved fightin' types — our <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/elizabeth-warren-2020" target="_blank">Liz Warrens,</a> our <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/bernie-sanders-2020" target="_blank">Bernies, </a>even our <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/kamala-2020" target="_blank">Kamalas</a> — could be the normal the world needs for a while.</p><p><br></p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-rebelmouse-image">
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTUwMjgwNy9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNzM2ODI5Mn0.C9u__vFk7NXH-hJAPH2ymys5x0S4QiwOsrlPXpVlVkk/img.jpg?width=980" id="bc491" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="56f16e12cbc94f1eb62816e1f13c3bc2" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="900" data-height="900">
<small class="image-media media-caption" placeholder="Add Photo Caption..."><a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/joe-biden-2020" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/joe-biden-2020</a></small></p><p><br></p><p><em>Mother Teresa </em>had her (ferocious) detractors. Jimmy Carter deregulated some stuff and maybe was bad in Nicaragua (Afghanistan?), I forget. Barack Obama, <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/clothes/products/copy-of-obama-forever-womens-t-shirts" target="_blank">a fine man,</a> believed some stupid shit sometimes, like "the American people want me to work with these dicks." <span></span></p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-rebelmouse-image">
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTUwMjc3Ny9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTY1MDY0OTY3NH0.xGK9eqPISwDB5tCKT-cJDmQqNUQ8wQdMY9Bp5plkC0U/img.jpg?width=980" id="7eba1" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="1b84b16a2f2e9300966abece384afdc7" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="250" data-height="250">
<small class="image-media media-caption" placeholder="Add Photo Caption..."><a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/clothes/products/copy-of-obama-forever-womens-t-shirts" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/clothes/pro...</a></small></p><p><br></p><p><a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/wonkette-kitten" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Even I</a> am not perfect — I am greedy sometimes, and envy others, and sometimes I whine at our fabulous staff about why they (yes they) make me work so much, and I'm too lazy to make a podcast — and I'm <em>really fucking close to perfect, you can ask my mother.</em></p><p><br></p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-rebelmouse-image">
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTUwMjg3NC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNzAwNjEzM30.XEzpSiU3d6A9ZjSsyeO5NI5bUcixKGUQ0pFyu4gIPfA/img.png?width=980" id="6ad9e" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="4c57c04d5c8166e38a66509492f30aa2" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="940" data-height="642">
<small class="image-media media-caption" placeholder="Add Photo Caption..."><a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/wonkette-kitten" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/wonkette-ki...</a></small></p><p><br></p><p>I know the craziness will continue; we're still in a goddamn pandemic, for one thing, and Mitch McConnell doesn't <em>do</em> "life lessons." A third of the American people have fallen victim to some wildass cult brain rinsings, and we can't deprogram them because they like it there. </p><p>We might lose <a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/nancy-pelosi-ride-or-die" target="_blank">Congress</a> two years from now; we often do, and Fox and its new even more cracked-out siblings OAN and Newsmax will be doing every lie in their power to make that happen. But for a minute, or two years, we won't have a rubber stamp on whatever Trump lieutenant Santa Monica Goebbels pulls out of 1930s Germany's ass. Instead, we will have a moderate Congress backing a moderate president — but one who claims he sees the need for big change. And hell, when Chuck Schumer is pushing you to do more and bigger, you listen to old Chuck. </p><p><br></p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-rebelmouse-image">
<img type="lazy-image" data-runner-src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNTUwMjg1Mi9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTYzNjQ3ODM2Nn0.myLjwv9HBLZBBFt59pX06eL-7BCywSzwEz5V9oPSnxk/img.png?width=980" id="7a161" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="a5fbea7d43e32635af513d2455913f93" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" data-width="1000" data-height="751">
<small class="image-media media-caption" placeholder="Add Photo Caption..."><a href="https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/nancy-pelosi-ride-or-die" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://wonkettebazaar.com/collections/nancy-pelos...</a></small></p><p><br></p><p>So what's on our agenda? We'll drink, we'll dance, we'll livebloog, we'll breathe deep and better assuming there's no bombings, and if there are, I'll make Dok and SER and Robyn and Evan and Liz deal with it. </p><p>I bought Wonkette just shy of nine years ago, in March 2012. Never ever ever saw this shit coming; I thought George W. Bush and his lie enablers were as Nazi as our shit could get. This year isn't going to be perfect by any stretch of Walt Disney's imagination, but it will be <em>better</em>. And 2022 and 2024, we'll cross those bridges when Josh Hawley comes to them. <br></p><p>It's my fervent desire that you no longer need to check in at Wonkette three or six times a day, unless you're retired and your buddies are playing pinochle in the comments. It's my fervent desire that we'll be able to write about other things once in a while, nice things, shiny normal things, culture and the world, because all our bandwidth won't be sucked up by one criminally psychopathic man. And it's also my fervent desire that you keep us going regardless, because you know when news breaks, there's nobody you want screaming and frothing at the mouth about it but us, and that's why we're your very first stop. </p><p>Now give us money and buy some shit. Because we love you, but more importantly, you love us right back. </p><p><a href="http://wonkettebazaar.com" target="_blank">[WonketteBazaar]</a></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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Legal
My Pillow Guy Dropped By Kohls, Picked Up By Dominion Voting's Lawyers
Cray. Zee.
January 19, 2021 11:58 AM
Mike Lindell didn't get where he is in this life by being shy. The former addict turned pillow pumper built a successful company by just going for it, and he's not about to stop now. The problem with just saying whatever's on your mind, though, is that sometimes it gets you in trouble — particularly when your mind is filled with syphilitic ferrets shouting COUP! COUP! COUP!
And so it is that Lindell finds his company dropped by multiple major national retailers just as he receives a preservation letter from the company he's been shit talking for months. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
For reasons not entirely clear, the White House has consulted Lindell on everything from coronavirus treatments to election security. Lindell, who failed to graduate from the University of Minnesota, has expertise in neither area. But he's been an ardent supporter of the president, and in the Trump administration, that's good enough.
<p>On Friday night, he was spotted leaving the White House with a<a href="https://www.wonkette.com/pillow-salesman-invited-to-white-house-to-advise-president-on-enacting-martial-law" target="_blank"> memo laying out a plot</a> to overthrow the government involving martial law and the CIA. This is what we call fomenting rebellion against the US government, and there used to be severe criminal penalties for that sort of thing. Heck, maybe soon there will be again! In the meantime, Dominion Voting Systems would like a word in civil court about all the baseless accusations of fraud and vote rigging Lindell has been slinging about them.</p><p>"We write regarding your patently false accusations that Dominion has somehow rigged or otherwise improperly influenced the recent U.S. presidential election," Dominion's lawyer Thomas Clare wrote in a <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/pillow-salesman-invited-to-white-house-to-advise-president-on-enacting-martial-law" target="_blank">preservation letter</a> on December 23 and published yesterday by <a href="https://www.axios.com/dominion-mike-lindell-my-pillow-ceo-trump-meeting-df5ec714-0528-4d7a-b70d-5c7a5a012a7e.html" target="_blank">Axios</a>. "Despite knowing your implausible attacks against Dominion have no basis in reality, you have participated in the vast and concerted misinformation campaign to slander Dominion."</p><p>Note that defamation of a public figure requires actual knowledge that the claim is false, or at least reckless disregard of the statement's veracity. There's a decent argument that Lindell is so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs that he actually believes all this horse shit about vote rigging by the Chinese and the Italians, although we're having a hard time picturing the Pillow lawyers making the case that their own client is too batcrap insane to know which end is up.</p><p>"Recently, you have positioned yourself as a prominent leader of the ongoing misinformation campaign," the letter continues. "Accordingly, Dominion formally demands that you (1) cease and desist making defamatory claims against Dominion and (2) preserve and retain all documents relating to Dominion and your smear campaign against the company." And just in case that wasn't clear, Clare added in a footnote, "For the avoidance of all doubt, this is a retraction demand pursuant to relevant state statutes and applicable rules of court."</p><p>Translation: <em>We are suing you in a minute. Don't destroy any evidence, you paste-eating charlatan</em>.</p><p>A month later, Lindell seems not to be heeding the warning. </p><div id="b58bb" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="a035ed7cf45d395f1796906871b5d309"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet twitter-custom-tweet" data-twitter-tweet-id="1351355543097667587" data-partner="rebelmouse"><div style="margin:1em 0">Lindell says he talks with Sidney Powell twice a day, and came to his (false) conclusion that the election was rigg… https://t.co/7HpkP7IZeA</div> — John Whitehouse (@John Whitehouse)<a href="https://twitter.com/existentialfish/statuses/1351355543097667587">1611023243.0</a></blockquote></div><p>"I have friends of mine that they're getting — they've been gone after by 'the machine people.' You know, these Dominion, these SOS, you know, SAS machines whatever. Or they did, I think, they're going after them," Lindell told Right Side Broadcasting Network in an apparent reference to Sidney Powell, who has already been sued by Dominion. "But you know what? Ha! That's great! I welcome 'em to come after me, 'cause I've got all the evidence. Then we'll finally see it, right?"<br></p><p>"I want Dominion to put up their lawsuit because we have 100% evidence that China and other countries used their machines to steal the election," Lindell told Axios.</p><p>Which raises an interesting question, and one which Dominion's lawyers will likely raise in court. Presumably Lindell could have shared that evidence with the public at any point in the past 10 weeks — unlike his buddy Sidney Powell, he's still got his Twitter account. And instead he's tweeting out inscrutable screenshots of context-free gibberish, which will no doubt be cited as evidence that he knows his own numbers are garbage.</p><div id="51f85" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="037a53c2bde9d6b70f054a1fba2a31df"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet twitter-custom-tweet" data-twitter-tweet-id="1350298525549137921" data-partner="rebelmouse"><div style="margin:1em 0">Here is one page of hundreds that prove President Trump got around 79m votes to 68m votes for Biden! Everyone shoul… https://t.co/NnQsJHTCTp</div> — Mike Lindell (@Mike Lindell)<a href="https://twitter.com/realMikeLindell/statuses/1350298525549137921">1610771230.0</a></blockquote></div><p>He's got hundreds of pages, you guys. He just can't show them to you right now. Don't ask why.</p><p>"I did my own math on November 4th, and I said 'This is mathematically impossible. Or improbable, for sure improbable. Close to impossible.' And then I got this guy four days ago, he brought it in 100 percent impossible!" Lindell gushed to the Right Side host Brian Glenn, assuring him that Trump's actual margin of victory was 11 million votes.</p><p>For those of you doing the math, turning a 7 million Trump vote deficit into an 11 million margin would require an 18 million vote tabulation error, or 11 percent. Which seems on the face of it 100 percent impossible. But, see, Mike Lindell knows a guy ...</p><p>And while we're on this little tangent, the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right_Side_Broadcasting_Network" target="_blank">Wiki</a> for Right Side notes that it was just some dude named Joe Seales posting YouTube videos of Trump rallies in 2015, until he decamped to Alabama to chow down on that sweet, sweet government cheese.</p><blockquote>After RSBN began taking off, Seales and his family moved to Auburn, Alabama, as the town had just equipped itself with $43 million worth of high-speed fiber optic cables. He and his wife transformed their new home into a news studio, hiring producers and on-air talent. Since then, RSBN has accumulated hundreds of millions of views on its YouTube channel.</blockquote><p>As every red-blooded conservative does!</p><p>As for Kohls, Bed Bath and Beyond, Wayfair, and H-E-B <a href="https://www.newsweek.com/mypillow-products-no-longer-stocked-these-companies-1562510" target="_blank">dropping </a>his product, Lindell knows who is to blame. </p><div id="43093" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="2de21f5ac5f87238c62ce04c313445a1"><blockquote class="twitter-tweet twitter-custom-tweet" data-twitter-tweet-id="1351351525248032768" data-partner="rebelmouse"><div style="margin:1em 0">From an interview earlier this evening, Mike Lindell tells Right Side Broadcasting that he was just told that… https://t.co/Fj3sPtTvRF</div> — John Whitehouse (@John Whitehouse)<a href="https://twitter.com/existentialfish/statuses/1351351525248032768">1611022285.0</a></blockquote></div><p>That's right, it is communists! Or maybe it is bots! Look, who can follow this shit? The point is, Mike Lindell welcomes this lawsuit because then everyone will get to see all his very good evidence that the election was stolen. Evidence he can't share with you now because reasons. And he's definitely not a wacko who's going to lose his company in a lawsuit that proves to the public that all the claims about vote fraud which the GOP used to gin up a pack of lunatics to sack Congress were pathetic lies.</p><p>[<a href="https://www.wonkette.com/pillow-salesman-invited-to-white-house-to-advise-president-on-enacting-martial-law" target="_blank">Dominion Letter</a> / <a href="https://www.axios.com/dominion-mike-lindell-my-pillow-ceo-trump-meeting-df5ec714-0528-4d7a-b70d-5c7a5a012a7e.html" target="_blank">Axios</a>]<br></p><p><strong>Follow Liz Dye on Twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/5DollarFeminist" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">RIGHT HERE!</a></strong><br></p><p><strong>Please click here to support your Wonkette. And if you're ordering your quarantine goods on Amazon, <a href="https://amzn.to/2wbH77j" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">this is the link to do it.</a></strong></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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Trump
The Inside Story Of Trump's Delusional Three-Month Slide Into Outright Fascism And Eternal Loserdom!
This outstanding reporting comes from Axios, yes we said Axios.
January 19, 2021 11:14 AM
Twenty twenty twenty four hours to goooo, Trump might need to be sedated ... nothing to do, nowhere to goooo-oh ...
Oh hello! We're almost to the 24-hour countdown, where you start seeing footage of the ball drop in Australia and all the people cheering because at least where they live, Donald Trump is no longer president of the United States. Or at least they should do it that way.
While we're waiting, Axios, yes Axios, has been publishing an outstanding ongoing series with original reporting on Trump's unraveling, his utter collapse, and his descent into utter loser and victimhood, from his historic loss on election night to his present status as a twice-impeached loser whose legacy will be the terrorist attack he incited on the US Capitol on January 6.
Apparently it goes with a podcast, so that's exciting if you're into that sort of thing. Being Axios, though, each dispatch is little and bite-sized, just the 100-calorie snack pack of news you need to get through your day with the appropriate level of Trump schadenfreude.
<h2>Episode One: The Great En-Lose-ning Begins!</h2><p>Axios <a href="https://www.axios.com/trump-election-premeditated-lie-ebaf4a1f-46bf-4c37-ba0d-3ed5536ef537.html" target="_blank">says</a> in Episode One that Trump's unraveling officially started when Fox News called Arizona for Joe Biden on election night. Trump was indeed planning to "exploit" and "weaponize" the idea of a red mirage that night, where in-person vote totals looked better for him, to start his narrative that the election was rigged. But things went to hell when Fox News was first to realize Biden had flipped Arizona, on election night. By the end of the night, it was clear that "red mirage" would not work so well for Trump, so at 2:20 a.m., he went out and lied, "Frankly we did win this election," even though his then-favorite news network had been the one to drop the electoral turd in his punchbowl early and often. </p><p>He was a big loser.</p><h2>Episode Two: Attack Of The Clones! We Mean Krakens!</h2><p><a href="https://www.axios.com/trump-lawyers-biden-election-victory-debf79bc-750b-457b-a736-789b501d62a7.html" target="_blank">Episode Two</a> is where it starts to get more fun. The real campaign people were telling Trump there was an actual longshot way to steal the election by making Arizona, Georgia and Wisconsin go their way. But the Kraken lawyers were already in the room:</p><blockquote>A bizarre routine set in. These meetings would begin with official staff raising plausible legal strategies. Then [Rudy] Giuliani and [Sidney] Powell, a lawyer with a history of floating "deep state" conspiracy theories, would take over, spewing wild allegations of a centralized plot by Democrats — and in Powell's view, international communists — to steal the election.<br><br>Bewildered campaign aides would look around the table at one another, silently asking what the hell was going on. </blockquote><p>And then they would leave. And then Rudy Giuliani would be like HEY WHERE EVERYBODY GO? DOIN' A BIG IMPORTANT KRAKEN MEETING!</p><blockquote>Eventually, Giuliani would realize that he and his crew were alone in the conference room. He'd walk down the hall and knock on the glass outside [campaign manager Bill] Stepien's office, where about eight aides had squeezed onto a pair of couches. "You guys, where did you go?" Giuliani would say. "This is serious!"</blockquote><p>And Trump believed them, because his Stable Genius brain is broken. He was already too far gone for them to try to steal the election in a "normal" way. He needed to believe the crazyass lies, because otherwise he was left whining things like "Can you believe I lost to that fucking guy? That fucking corpse?" But Axios says even in private, he clung to his denial like a gun and a Bible.</p><p>Somewhere in there, everybody else declared Trump the biggest loser of Arizona. </p><p>Sometime after that, there was a press conference at a landscape company on the outskirts of Philadelphia that claimed otherwise. </p><h2>Episode Three: It's Not That On Some Level Trump Didn't Know Sidney Powell Was Batshit ... </h2><p>He did, according to Axios in <a href="https://www.axios.com/trump-off-the-rails-descent-into-madness-fd169833-9052-473d-87f5-7a1a4ffffb8f.html" target="_blank">Episode Three!</a></p><blockquote>President Trump was sitting in the Oval Office one day in late November when a call came in from lawyer Sidney Powell. "Ugh, Sidney," he told the staff in the room before he picked up. "She's getting a little crazy, isn't she? She's really gotta tone it down. No one believes this stuff. It's just too much."<br><br>He put the call on speakerphone for the benefit of his audience. Powell was raving about a national security crisis involving the Iranians flipping votes in battleground states. Trump pressed mute and laughed mockingly.<br><br>"So what are we gonna do about it, Sidney?" Trump would say every few seconds, whipping Powell more and more into a frenzy. He was having fun with it. "She really is crazy, huh?" he said, again with his finger on the mute button. [...]<br><br>"Sometimes you need a little crazy," Trump told one official.</blockquote><p><span></span>We hate all these people but we enjoy the mental image of Donald Trump muting the phone so he could make fun of Sidney Powell to everybody else in the room. </p><p>But at core, he was still the tiniest man in the room, the one who couldn't accept that he had indeed lost the election to Joe Biden, and hard. So he kept listening to them. </p><p>Apparently America had no idea just how close Sidney Powell came to getting a high-level security clearance, so she could investigate her QAnon-infused hallucinations about a "foreign conspiracy to steal the election involved a coordinated cyberwarfare attack from China, Russia, Iran, Iraq and North Korea." </p><p>Really. </p><h2>Episode Four: Bill Barr Is Good Now! Did You Hear Bill Barr Is Good?</h2><p>We are just going to say that we are curious who Axios's sources are for <a href="https://www.axios.com/trump-barr-relationship-off-the-rails-b33b3788-e7e9-47fa-84c5-3a0016559eb5.html" target="_blank">this,</a> considering how well former Attorney General Bill Barr comes off. Was it some secret source named "Mill Carr"? "Dill Farr"? "Hill Garr"? </p><blockquote>Attorney General Bill Barr stood behind a chair in the private dining room next to the Oval Office, looming over Donald Trump. The president sat at the head of the table. It was Dec. 1, nearly a month after the election, and Barr had some sharp advice to get off his chest. The president's theories about a stolen election, Barr told Trump, were "bullshit."<br><br>White House counsel Pat Cipollone and a few other aides in the room were shocked Barr had come out and said it — although they knew it was true. For good measure, the attorney general threw in a warning that the new legal team Trump was betting his future on was "clownish."</blockquote><p>That was the day Barr showed up at the White House after the AP released the <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/bill-barr-just-saying-donald-trump-dead-to-him-now" target="_blank">interview where he said</a> he hadn't seen anything remotely suggesting irregularities in the election that could sway it Trump's way. Aren't you glad Bill Barr puffed his chest out like a big toad and said "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH" to Trump? We are sure glad for that. </p><p>Here is how Trump reportedly reacted to Barr's AP interview:</p><blockquote>"Why would you say such a thing? You must hate Trump. There's no other reason for it. You must hate Trump," the president charged, speaking about himself in the third person.</blockquote><p>Haha, we believe that, because that idiot <em>does</em> talk about himself in the third person. </p><p>In this episode we learn that Barr also was really against Trump's fantasies this summer about declaring war on Portland, and he didn't want to send in the military. Trump yelled at him back then, "No one supports me!" and "No one gives me any fucking support!" Bill Barr is just really good. Did everybody hear how Bill Barr is GOOD? "They fought all summer," says Axios. And that it "was always Groundhog Day trying to explain things to Trump." Because Bill Barr is GOOD.</p><p>There are other things in that episode about how Bill Barr is good, but we don't care.</p><p><span></span>Thanks for your service, Bill, now go away.</p><h2>Episode Five: So Why Was Trump Trying To Stick One Of Devin Nunes's Idiots At CIA, Who What Now?</h2><p>Episode Five <a href="https://www.axios.com/off-the-rails-trump-cia-kash-patel-6c5ea317-43e9-48da-993f-5c7ab823c4c1.html" target="_blank">discusses that</a> whole thing involving Trump's grand plan to get Gina Haspel out at CIA to be replaced by Devin Nunes's absolute favorite idiot Kash Patel, who most recently was the star of MyPillow CEO <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/pillow-salesman-invited-to-white-house-to-advise-president-on-enacting-martial-law" target="_blank">Mike Lindell's White House notes</a> on How To Coup For Dummies. </p><p>They originally fucked the goat on that one back in December, apparently:</p><blockquote>In his final weeks in office, after losing the election to Joe Biden, President Donald Trump embarked on a vengeful exit strategy that included a hasty and ill-thought-out plan to jam up CIA Director Gina Haspel by firing her top deputy and replacing him with [Kash Patel,] a protege of Republican Congressman Devin Nunes.<br><br>The plan stunned national security officials and almost blew up the leadership of the world's most powerful spy agency. Only a series of coincidences — and last minute interventions from Vice President Mike Pence and White House counsel Pat Cipollone — stopped it.</blockquote><p>Oh good, Mike Pence and Pat Cipollone stopped Trump from firing Gina Haspel and installing an absolute moron! Aren't you glad Mike Pence and Pat Cipollone are good like Bill Barr? You are glad about that. </p><p><span></span>Apparently all these weird last-minute firings and replacements with Devin Nunes's idiots come down to how Trump, in his galaxy brain, is just CONVINCED that there are documents lying around everywhere that say Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton did the Deep State to him. And if that proof is out there, then it must be declassified! </p><p>Therefore Trump is just pretty sure the idiots he stuck into the Defense Department (and we guess <a href="https://www.wonkette.com/white-house-tries-to-shoehorn-nunes-lackey-into-top-lawyer-job-at-nsa-speaker-pelosi-says-fafo" target="_self">the NSA</a>) will unquestionably obey his HEREBY ORDERS to declassify these documents that definitely exist. </p><p>So watch for some bullshit declassifications later today, probably! </p><p>The documents will not say what Fox News says they say. </p><h2>Episode Six: Trump Fucks Georgia, Fucks Self, Orders Terrorist Attack On Capitol, Gets Impeached, Will Be Gone In 24 Hours</h2><p><a href="https://www.axios.com/off-the-rails-trump-last-stand-georgia-96520903-6405-47e7-962b-beac06abdb68.html" target="_blank">Episode Six</a> is about how Trump lost Georgia for himself and for Mitch McConnell and for the entire GOP. </p><p>Key excerpt:</p><blockquote>Less than 48 hours after Trump's Georgia rally, both races had been called for the Democrats, Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff. The Republicans had lost control of the Senate.<br><br>Trump was right that everyone would blame him. After all, he had spent months puncturing confidence in the voting system, turning his fire on Georgia's own GOP leadership, and obsessing over states that he had lost fair and square.<br><br>He had allowed outsiders and conspiracists to supplant the professionals around him. He had fed a national sense of mistrust, rage and despair. Georgia was the last state where Trump would take his stand.<br><br>He was about to incinerate his legacy. Within 24 hours, the feral ground troops the president had summoned to execute his fantasy of overturning the election would storm the steps of the U.S. Capitol.</blockquote><p>Womp womp. </p><p>That episode came out this morning. It's not that exciting, otherwise. Will there be more episodes? Probably!</p><p>As we publish this, we are learning that Trump, as part of his further unraveling, <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/melania-trump-final-days-white-house/2021/01/18/291239b6-59cf-11eb-b8bd-ee36b1cd18bf_story.html" target="_blank">is just really upset</a> about how all these big awesome performers are going to do Joe Biden's inauguration, when literally nobody wanted to perform at his, which wasn't during a global pandemic. </p><p>You happy now, Axios? We free-advertised your dumb podcast. Now give us the million American dollars we did not agree you would pay us to write this post. </p><p>[<a href="https://www.axios.com/off-the-rails-episodes-cf6da824-83ac-45a6-a33c-ed8b00094e39.html" target="_blank">Axios</a>]</p><p><strong>Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter <a href="http://twitter.com/evanhurst" target="_blank">RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!</a><br></strong></p><p><strong>GIVE IT WONKETTE. We mean money. Thank you.</strong></p><p><span style="background-color: initial;"></span></p><p><a href="https://amzn.to/33mKzZe" target="_blank">Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons</a>.</p><p></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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White House
Of All The Classless Trump A-Holes, We Think We'll Miss Melania Most Of All
No we won't.
January 19, 2021 09:21 AM
We already knew Donald Trump was too small of a man-baby to leave office with any class, to even try to do any of the ceremonial things real presidents do when they leave office. There will be no meeting with the incoming president, and we are pretty sure he won't leave any nice letters for Joe Biden, not that Biden would want one anyway. Trump's ego really wanted some kind of big military parade send-off, so he could try to upstage the actual inauguration with his own departure, but it appears the Pentagon told him to fuck off.
And now CNN is confirming what we already assumed about our classless dickhead first lady, Melon, namely that she can't even be bothered to greet Dr. Jill Biden and do the traditional thing where the outgoing first lady shows the incoming first lady around the residence. We guess in Melania's case, the tour probably would have involved some sort of obstacle course where medieval daggers fall out of the ceiling if you step on a crack, considering what her Christmas decorations look like, but whatever.
<p>This, after Michelle Obama was so kind to Melania Trump in 2017. There was the tiniest hint of hope, almost too faint to be seen, that maybe something normal might happen, that Donald Trump might at least try to grow into the presidency, when after he and his wife spent years vilifying the Obamas, Trump tweeted out on inauguration day that Melania really was getting along with "Mrs. O." It was the first time we'd seen something that almost seemed like a normal human reaction from him. It was also the last.</p><p>We'd share you that tweet except for how it's no longer available because Donald Trump is not allowed to have Twitter. But here is Michelle Obama being kind to Melania Trump. You'll remember also how kind Barack Obama was to El Shitbrick.</p><p class="shortcode-media shortcode-media-youtube">
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</p><p>It's fine, of course. Melania Trump, like her husband, is fundamentally incapable of doing the right, humble, classy thing. And besides, Jill Biden has already spent a ton of time in the residence, so we imagine she knows where the various things are. And if she gets lost or cannot figure out the thermostat, there is this other first lady who lives like five minutes away, who'd obviously be more than happy to come help.<br></p><p>As for the rest of the inauguration ceremonies, CNN reports that the Bidens will be greeted at the White House by White House chief usher Timothy Harleth. Tomorrow afternoon, they'll lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery, and all the former presidents who are not named Trump or Carter will be with them. So will all the former first ladies. (Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter are very old, and are <a href="https://www.wtvy.com/2021/01/18/jimmy-and-rosalynn-carter-wont-attend-bidens-inauguration/" target="_blank">staying safe at home</a> during the global pandemic.)</p><p>So fuck it. The Trumps don't need to be there for any of that shit. The Bidens can restart all the traditions when they hand the presidency to Kamala Harris, and Kamala Harris can continue them when she hands it to Stacey Abrams. </p><p>Left with no military parade to send them off, CNN is <a href="https://www.cnn.com/2021/01/18/politics/trump-biden-inauguration-snub/index.html" target="_blank">reporting</a> that the Trumps plan tomorrow to go to Andrews Air Force Base <em>super-duper early</em> in the morning, and that they've been begging people to show up to wave BYE BYE! at the most disgraced first couple in American history as they fuck off into the sky for the very last time on Air Force One. They specifically said on the invitations that people could bring as many as five people along with them, we guess to pad the crowd size. </p><p>Anthony Scaramucci even got an invite, because apparently it's just a mass email like <em>puh-leeze somebody come to this thing puh-leeeeeeeze</em>:</p><p>LOL sad.</p><p>And even sadder:</p><blockquote>On Monday afternoon, an administration official told CNN the bells and whistles might all be for a very big audience of one — the President — and a small audience of others: "So far, there haven't been a lot of RSVPs."</blockquote><p>You hate to see it. </p><p>Finally, with Trump and Melon running away to Florida early, that likely means Donald Trump Jr. and Eric won't even be at the White House to show Hunter Biden his room and tell him which Secret Service agents will let him stay up past bedtime if he's really well-behaved. What a <em>travesty</em>.</p><p>The Trump presidency is over in about 27 hours. We are almost there.</p><p>[<a href="https://www.cnn.com/2021/01/18/politics/trump-biden-inauguration-snub/index.html" target="_blank">CNN</a>]</p><p><strong>Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter <a href="http://twitter.com/evanhurst" target="_blank">RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!</a><br></strong></p><p><strong>GIVE IT WONKETTE. We mean money. Thank you.</strong></p><p><span style="background-color: initial;"></span></p><p><a href="https://amzn.to/33mKzZe" target="_blank">Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons</a>.</p><p></p><p></p><form name="donation" method="post" class="donation-form"><p class="subheadline">How often would you like to donate?</p><div class="form-row row--plan"><label class="plan-type__label"><input type="radio" name="plan_type" value="once" class="plan-type" required="" checked> Just once
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