The Federalist All Up In Your Thai Cave, Which Is What The Kids Are Calling Your 'Gina. By A Doctor Of Rhetoric!
Everyone has been really happy about the rescue of the soccer team kids and their coach from that cave in Thailand, not only because it's a gripping story of survival, but also because it made Elon Musk look like an egomaniacal moron. But over at the Federalist, that flimsy dollar-store Breitbart knockoff, columnist Nicole Russell explains the rescue's TRUE significance: It finally disproves feminism once and for all, because men do science and adventure, while women do whatever it is women do.
Russell, like any student who's learned to write that anti-communicative academic abomination the five-paragraph essay, dutifully places her thesis statement at the end of her intro:
The rescue has shown not only the power of science coupled with courage, but why society still needs men who have embraced their masculinity and aren't afraid of danger.
Then follows a fairly routine recounting of the details of the rescue: brave Thai Navy Seals accompanying each boy on the perilous swim out of the caves. Russell does add a personal stylistic touch, though: a completely context-free reference to her favorite movie!
When the Thai Navy SEALs performed their rescue, officials tweeted, "All 4 Thai Navy SEALs came out safely. Hooyah Hooyah Hooyah." To quote a line from "The Princess Bride," "We are men of action. Lies do not become us."
We should note that "lies" are mentioned nowhere prior to or following that paragraph. But hey, men of action, so totally relevant. Russell is, of course, the wingnut thought leaderer who gushed in joy when Paul Ryan briefly grew a beard, proving that manly men were back, at least for the two weeks before he shaved it off. That column was also full of Princess Bride quotes. It's her "thing." It's not so much "style" as a sick compulsion, like Orr stuffing horse chestnuts in his cheeks to drive Yossarian crazy. So it goes.
Eventually, Russell gets to her real point: The rescue of the lost boys completely demolishes all those feminists who insist the world would be better without men. NOT TRUE, says Russell, despite the indisputable fact that the world would smell much nicer.
Yet to hear feminists talk, especially here in the United States, men are not only expendable but unnecessary. Even for such a time as this?
Gosh, we hope that enormous straw woman doesn't carelessly step on her and smash her into Nicole Russell bits.
Lest anyone say feminists don't spend all their time plotting the elimination of men and masculinity, Russell offers indisputable proof in the form of repeating her assertion. You see, while early feminists wanted equality, and that's admirable, modern feminists actually tell women that men are simply unnecessary, as seen in "myriad book and article titles" and the "spiteful phrase" popularized by Gloria Steinem, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle," which of course was not a jokey assertion of women's ability to take care of themselves but a literal vagenda of manocide. Those monsters even tried to erase men with the spelling, "womyn."
You see, men are made by God to be physically rugged and scientific, and were it not for the manly science of manliness, those kids would still be trapped in that cave, and how are you going to argue with that? If the feminists had their way and males were all eliminated, then who would rescue boys from caves, huh? Except there'd be no boys to have gotten lost in the first place, but shut up.
Russell also finds time for a gratuitous slam on women in the military, who may be OK in support roles, but are not fit for combat or cave rescues, obviously, because they are weak and retiring by nature. You see, "politically correct sexism has no place in an arena where safety and performance matters most," so there, guess we need to keep at least some men around, if only to do the brave rescuin'.
Also, just for laughs, after insisting feminists literally want to wipe out every last trace of men and masculinity, Russell writes this, apparently with a straight -- a very straight -- face:
Feminists might help their cause more by allowing for some nuance within the movement. If they chimed in with the rest of the world and applauded men when heroism of this magnitude occurred, they might receive support. It would show they are not simply "pro woman" but pro-society, pro-children, and yes, even pro-men. Yet they refuse. In fact, they behave in ways that worsen these unifying and beneficial goals.
How well we remember all the feminists on Twitter proclaiming they detested the rescue of those boys, by men, and wishing they had all died, because wowie, do they hate men and the pre-men who will someday be them. Then they all went out and got another cat. Quite a few people of both genders did point out, however, that it would be damned nice if the Thai Navy SEALs would come and rescue several thousand other children who are trapped inside Trump's family separation policy, so maybe that's what Russell was getting at.
Somehow, Russell also tries to suggest the cave rescue refutes the #MeToo movement, with its many false accusations against men, who we suppose have been prevented from going out and rescuing children. Worse, these feminist harridans
gather for marches in vulgar pink p-ssy hats, and offensively call for the end of men altogether. When women congregate publicly for a cause, they often whine, yell, and backstab.
It's really quite simple: If you let women go poking around in caves, it's surely a recipe for either rampant lesbianism and the end of the family, or possibly the discovery of previously unknown hominid fossils by an all-woman team of very small cavers, all experts in paleontology or archaeology, who were able to get through tiny caverns to dig up the lovely bones.
But don't you go waving around those fossils as proof women do adventurous sciencey things, because they only prove Russell's point: Every single male the researchers dug up was extinct, exactly as feminists want, as we see in this terrifying feminist anthem which is clearly 100 percent in deadly earnest:
The horror. The horror.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.