HEY HEY it’s MAY DAY! Activists say no school, work, or shopping for a one-day blackout strike! (Except Wonkette.) (Guardian)

UPDATE, I forgot the info for Ziggy’s Movie Night! Join your friends Saturday night at 9 p.m. Eastern for Pitch Black, it is available for free with ads on YouTube; $3.99 in the usual places.

Your comrade Beatrice wants me to let you know, Louisianans, that there IS STILL an election starting Saturday — five terrible constitutional amendments on the ballot, she says, and other items too — so don’t let your governor’s “we’ll just ‘delay’ the primaries for the election that’s already happening” stop you from stopping them!

“Vote for the crook. It’s important.” Y’all are old, you remember that. On Louisiana and this disgusting old bullshit that’s all new again. (Laura Bassett)

Wanna hear a whole bunch of Republicans gloat about the Texas, Louisiana, and Florida gerrymanders and then whine about Virginia in the very next breath? Will Saletan’s gotchu. (The Bulwark)

A LOT of our longtime subscribers are having to cancel. If you are able and just never got around to it, we invite you to LOVE US LOVE US HALP! We have so many writers to feed and mouths to yell out of!

Subscribe now

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

Trump pulled the Surgeon General nomination of one asshole, and replaced Dr. Casey Means with a Fox News doctor, Nicole Saphier, who said child mental illness is driven by “non-traditional households.” How about fuck you? (USA Today) Oh, she said much much much much much more than that? Of course she did. (Erin in the Morning)

The House just passed a Farm Bill that will leave children hungrier so Elon Musk won’t have to pay taxes (and Pete Hegseth can do more WARFIGHTING). Background here. (First Focus on Children) I often wonder just how inscrutable Wonkette is to the average person who doesn’t know all our jokes and also what the fuck we’re talking about (I often change “GOP” in our writers’ copy because most people don’t know that means “Republicans”) but holy shit I have no idea what is going on in this piece about Mike Johnson and the Farm Bill and the House and the rules and WHAT? (NOTUS)

I would have to watch at least one episode of a (proposed) Don Junior Apprentice, just to see if there’s going to be any cocaine left for the rest of the planet. (Gift link Wall Street Journal)

My goodness, the Michael Jackson biopic Michael sounds terrrrrible! (Defector)

From the comments, “saving Pablo Escobar’s cocaine hippos” is the first socially useful thing a billionaire has ever done. (CNN)

Huntington Beach, pay ONE MILLION DOLLARS the fuck up for breaking California state law with your bullshit moral panic about books. (Gift link Orange County Register)

Well this is just NICE: California prison mentors changing lives. (Reasons to Be Cheerful)

WONK PARTIES AHOY!

HAWAII (May 14), HAWAII (May 15), MONTREAL (June 14), MISSOULA (July 25), CLEVELAND (Aug. 8), PITTSBURGH (Aug. 9), AND SAN FRAN (Nov. 30): TIME TO PARTY!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

The Supreme Court just murdered the Voting Rights Act, which was previously only mostly dead. Rick Hasen says it’s the worst decision in a century. That’s a lot of competition! (Slate) Sam Alito wraps up John Roberts’s life’s work. Sloppily and stupidly and without a care for the law, as is his habit. (Balls and Strikes) And here comes Alabama, answering the White Votes Matter call. (AL.com) Charles Gaba has set up an ActBlue for all the Southern state Democratic parties to get your recurring donation. Let’s fuck em up. (ActBlue)

They’re going to need every stolen vote they can get. (Wonkpal Denny Carter at Bad Faith Times) We show you this one from last week? He’s upside down with everyone except men over 65. (G. Elliott Morris)

“Two Kings”? Oh, the fuck you say. (Tiedrich) I heard King Charles gave a pretty good speech, I don’t know, I didn’t watch or read it. But it’s here! For you. I love you. (Transcript)

Oh hi, it’s me! I wore makeup.

A LOT of our longtime subscribers are having to cancel. If you are able and just never got around to it, we invite you to LOVE US LOVE US HALP! We have so many writers to feed and mouths to yell out of!

Subscribe now

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

Looks like the Pete Hegseth hearing was … lit.

Well these sound like very very very very very bad immigration judges! (Joe. My. God.)

All the president’s toadies. (Good Politics Bad Politics)

Ghislaine Maxwell’s sisters founded some weird “national security” spytech companies, in New Mexico? Unclear, my brain is bad today. Previous Alisa V-R joints have included a lot about hey why is Zorro Ranch doing all this weird shit right next to Los Alamos and Sandia National Laboratories. (Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez)

As Robyn said in the chatcave, threat to national security Bernie Sanders is going to kill us all with healthcare :(

A deep reading of this objectively hilarious man cave sign. (Garrett Bucks at The White Pages)

I think maybe this woman read Laurie Penny’s lambasting of all the people who lambasted Lena Dunham and Girls. My mom and I used to call each other and talk about how much we loved Lena Dunham like an awesome daughter. I remember how mad everyone was at that one episode where she played ping pong topless with the hot guy for the weekend, and you could see how he could be so delighted in her and her lush youthful body, and the entire internet LOST THEIR MINDS in disgust. I remember how Jezebel in particular used to pick and pick and pick at her. I remember how people couldn’t separate her from her character and assumed she did not know when her character was being a dick. They are all so bad at fiction. I’m sorry everyone’s so shitty all the time. Anyway, this woman says she now knows it wasn’t Lena Dunham. It was her. (Slate)

Cool let’s all invest in solar microgrids, who’s in? (Volts)

HAWAII, HAWAII, MONTREAL, MISSOULA, CLEVELAND, PITTSBURGH, AND SAN FRAN: TIME TO PARTY!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Shit’s crazy today, strap in, we love you.

Oh no, Jonathan Livingston Seashell is going to SEASHELL JAIL. What does Popehat call it? “A preposterous lie.” Correct. (Popehat)

Everything is everything, you know?

A LOT of our longtime subscribers are having to cancel. If you are able and just never got around to it, we invite you to LOVE US LOVE US HALP! We have so many writers to feed and mouths to yell out of!

Subscribe now

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

The FCC is now preparing to smash all of ABC’s broadcast licenses because the sundowning asshole in the White House is mad (again) at Jimmy Kimmel. I am so old I remember when they called Barack Obama a “tyrant” because of a four dollar a YEAR cell phone fee to fund school internet. (CNN)

This DOJ filing “in the style of” Donald Trump about his grotesque ballroom is mortifying, I couldn’t even finish the first sentence. How small and pathetic we all have become. (Court Listener) And here’s Our Liz on the judge maybe making it the tiniest bit harder for Trump to sue himself and settle with himself with ten billions of our money. (Our Liz at Law and Chaos)

Hope you already reupped your passport, because Assmouth’s about to paste his ugly fucking mug on the new ones. (The Bulwark exclusive)

The 85-year-old French widow (who looks about 60, well done, madame!) never thought ICE would eat her face … At least she seems to have had a change of heart about the whole grotesque spectacle. (Archive NYT)

The first thing we do is kill all the filibusters (and expand the Supreme Court). (Noah Berlatsky at Everything Is horrible)

Okay, lay it on us, Pro Publica:

The administration is working on a rule change that would deduct the value of a disabled adult’s bedroom from their SSI allotment, even if the family members they live with are poor enough to qualify for food stamps.

God DAMN them all to hell. (Pro Publica)

Everything about this “AI journalism arbitration court” is good for the world and society and journalism and all living things, no notes. (Oligarch Watch)

Any alleged Democrat who is still playing footsie with the Right on throwing our trans beloveds under the bus is committing electoral malpractice. Fox News did the polling: Nobody likes it when we beat up trans people. (Erin in the Morning)

Well, it’s not just Americans being complete shit-asses around the world for that sweet sweet influencer $$$. Yikes Kazakhstan lady and Belgium man! (The Thaiger)

HAWAII, HAWAII, MONTREAL, MISSOULA, CLEVELAND, PITTSBURGH, AND SAN FRAN: GET ON THE BUS!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Happy Monday!

What a weekend! On Saturday night President Donald John Trump, wife and cabinet members, including Vice President JD Vance, attended the White House Correspondents Dinner for the first time ever, at the Washington, DC Hilton hotel. Then, a man later identified as Cole Tomas Allen, a 31-year-old teacher, engineer and alleged Christian-themed-manifesto writer from Torrance, California, allegedly tried to bum-rush the event doors from a level above. Allen shot at a Secret Service agent, hitting his bulletproof vest; Cole was captured and is scheduled to be arraigned today. (Al Jazeera / WSJ gift link / NPR)

Trump immediately called a press conference at the White House and took to his web site to blame the shooting on mean judges not letting his donors buy him a $400 million ballroom / bunker, and the knuckle-dragging masses of X embraced their assignment. (Fox News / New York Times)

Meanwhile, much of BlueSky was convinced it was staged:

And the alleged shooter’s manifesto targeted someone Trump thought sounded familiar.

But King Charles III’s scheduled visit today is still on! (Politico EU)

Trump wants Putin to come to the G-20 at his Doral Club. Oh. (Washington Post)

Peace talks with Iran are stalled: “Tehran and Washington are sinking into an awkward limbo of neither peace, nor war, each hoping to outlast the other in a standoff.” It also doesn’t help efforts how Israel keeps on refusing to ceasefire and keeps attacking its neighbor Lebanon. (New York Times / Al Jazeera)

Yikes, dozens of human rights groups, including Amnesty International, have issued their own travel warnings ahead of the World Cup matches that’ll be taking place in multiple cities this June and July, “in light of the deteriorating human rights situation in the United States and in the absence of meaningful action and concrete guarantees from FIFA, host cities, or the U.S. government.” Meanwhile, in Texas, Gov. Greg Abbott is threatening to pull $200 million in funding from Houston, Dallas, and Austin unless they agree to make their local police forces help ICE round up soccer fans. (ESPN / Latin Times)

Sen. Thom Tillis’s backbone, returned gently used: now he says he’ll support Kevin Warsh’s nomination for next Federal Reserve Board chair, following assurances that the DOJ will only reopen an investigation into current chair Jerome Powell’s allegedly criminal building budget if the Fed’s inspector general recommends criminal charges. And when has Donald Trump ever lied to anybody? (CNBC)

“‘Absurd Corruption’: Disgust as Eric Trump Brags About Scoring $24 Million Pentagon Deal. ‘The US government is now one of, if not the most, corrupt governments on earth,’ said one critic.” As well as millions of other critics who are blessed with eyeballs, earholes and the gift of reason! (Common Dreams)

Rep. Tom Kean Jr. — a Republican representing New Jersey who is also up for-re-election — last cast a vote on March 5 but has not been seen since, how bizarre! Kean’s spokesman has now issued a statement that he is “handling a personal health matter. He will be 100% healthy and back to a full schedule soon.” Paging Velma and Daphne, sounds like a ghost is trying to cover up a mystery! (Guardian)

At least New Jersey Connecticut, (Wonkette regrets error) still has Sen. Chris Murphy alert and vigorous enough to note all the lawbreaking going on with taxpayers’ money.

Enjoy Rep. Jamie Raskin versus CNN’s Dana Bash and her bad-faith line of questioning:

New York Magazine’s got a tasty profile of US DA for DC Jeanine Pirro that traces her friendship with Trump, her husband Al’s legal troubles and ensuing MAGA-fication, and she herself even throws in quality dirt on her predecessor Ed Martin, like that he gutted the office of 150 lawyers and installed a crucifix in the DA’s office’s shower. (“I never shower in it. He had some holy stuff in there.”) What a normal guy! (New York Magazine)

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

HAWAII, HAWAII, MONTREAL, MISSOULA, CLEVELAND, PITTSBURGH, AND SAN FRAN: So many fabulous Wonkmeets! Be there or be missed!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

Download the Wonkette Spotify playlist for more classic Wonkette-ful hits and misses from the 1840’s until today! No $ kickback, so why do we do it? Sigmund Freud, analyze this, analyze theeess theees thheeeeess! (Link)

“Everybody in the world will be late for work that morning and no one will care.” :) :) :) (Cassidy Steele Dale)

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

Trump saved eight AI Iranian women from getting executed, so … yay? (Tiedrich)

The Republican members of the House Oversight Committee think Trump should pardon Ghislaine Maxwell because obviously. (Politico)

Senate Republicans passed ICE and Border Patrol funding early Thursday morning and honestly I can’t remember why they are able to do it now that they weren’t able to do it before because apparently it’s unfilibusterible. Haha, that’ll be hilarious if they can’t get the House to go along, but anyway, unironic GOOD JOB to Chuck Schumer, who made it fucking painful for them and didn’t back down for MONTHS. (AP)

Another ICE (or CBP, same thing) agent charged, this time in Durango, Colorado, for being a shithead doing assaults? I like this new trend. (CNN)

Democrats playing hardball should move on to the Supreme Court. (Paul Waldman at the Cross Section)

Man these guys love to brag about their evil plans! Curtis Yarvin: “What’s cool is that I don’t really see a strong legal case that the SPLC shouldn’t be able to run these kinds of wacky black ops. That means DOJ is prosecuting the SPLC just because it (kind of) can. If so this would be an unusual sign of “finally getting it.”” (Melissa Ryan) Our Liz on the legality of the DOJ indictment; succinctly, it is “crap.” (Our Liz at Public Notice)

“We’ll never use this agency to censor scientists who disagree,” lied Jay Bhattacharya of the NIH. (Science Based Medicine)

I am always polite to my robot slave, and you should be too.

A 2022 study found that children in households that used voice commands with tools like Siri and Alexa became curt when speaking with humans, often calling out “Hey, do X” and expecting obedience, especially from anyone whose voice resembled the default-female electronic voices.

(The Guardian)

“Despite MAGA fans making him rich, he still looks down on them, calling them ‘super-dumb.’” Almost as dumb as you are, New York Post, to somehow think those things would be mutually exclusive. (NYP)

These brain ghosties gave me shivers. Yow! (Live Science)

Join your friend ZiggyWiggy for Wonkette Movie Night, Saturday at 9 Eastern. You’ll be watching Hail, Caesar! It is available with subscription on Prime; free with ads on Xumo Play; $3.99 in the usual places.

HAWAII, HAWAII, MONTREAL, MISSOULA, CLEVELAND, PITTSBURGH, AND SAN FRAN: GET ON THE BUS!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Good morning good morning, here’s your damn tabs!

Judge strikes down VA redistricting because gerrymandering is only legal when every single Republican state does it. (Meidas Touch)

FBI Director I’m Not As Think As You Ka$h I Am Patel investigated a New York Times reporter for “stalking” his girlfriend by reporting a story about his misusing FBI resources to give her a SWAT honor guard and fly to see her on the FBI jet? Fuck you. (Archive NYT)

Lisa Needham lawsplains Kash Patel’s Atlantic lolsuit. It is a very bad suit! (Public Notice)

I heard you libs like men in women’s sports.

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

Elizabeth Freeman — nee “Mumbet” — was there at the nation’s founding, as somebody’s property. She marched her ass to a lawyer and said hey what about this new shiny Massachusetts constitution, and the lawyer said you’re right, let’s go to court and have you freed under the law. And so they did. (19th News)

Has MAGA been worshiping Satan this whole time? Oh I think we know. (Evan at his side hustle The Moral High Ground)

Everybody hates Satan some more, again. (AP)

The CDC was “delaying” a study showing the COVID vaccine reduces hospitalizations by about half. Now they won’t publish it at all, because “following the science.” (Gift link Washington Post)

Make America as Healthy as This Guy.

HEPA filters good at cleaning your old braaaainz. (The Conversation)

Famous suer Devin Nunes lost another job, this time after running Trump’s Truth Social parent company stock price into the ground :) (Politico)

Here Devin: How to Realistically Make an Extra $1000 a Month. The first two are “freelance writing” and “blogging”? What sadist editor greenlit this? (Everygirl)

From the comments, this is how you Letter to the Editor. (New Hampshire Gazette)

Minnesotans are still loving their neighbors. (Gift link Star Tribune)

Garrett Bucks is inviting us all to gather with each other and create our communities, and he’s got a yearlong project to gather with neighbors in all 50 states. (The White Pages) Well guess what, Garrett, we’re already gathering with our community in Hawaii, Hawaii, MONTREAL (just added!), Montana, and San Francisco! And another Cleveland! (It’s so convenient, and it rocks.) Pittsburgh? Fuck it why not!

MONTREAL, gather your bells that you may wear them for LA GALA D’ LES WONQUES on SUNDAY, JUNE 14! More details to come!

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Good morning, happy Earth Day, look at this stupid bullshit.

“I would have won Vietnam very quickly,” plus the rest of the crazypants shit that is keeping Iran from the negotiating table. (Tiedrich) Some hours later, from the NYT, no link necessary: “Iran War Live Updates: Vance’s Trip to Peace Talks on Hold.” A day or two ago they had a dek that said the US firing on an Iranian tanker was a “threat” to the “fragile ceasefire.” WAS IT, NYT? IS FIRING ON A SHIP A THREAT TO A FRAGILE CEASEFIRE, OR DOES IT END A CEASEFIRE. Fucking NYT.

Turns out the Pope’s been tweeting awesome shit this whole time. (Qasim Rashid)

Since Pope Bob from Chicago’s been in the news so much lately, Brian Grubb’s not NOT going to talk about one of his favorite weird as shit shows, The Young Pope. (Type Click Type)

If we were Republicans, there wouldn’t have been a day that had gone by without us screaming that Kash Patel still hasn’t found Savannah Guthrie’s mom, so thank you to The Fucking News for its service in shoving this graf into a post about shitcanned Labor Sec Lori Chavez-DeRemer:

And, look, you can’t expect to keep your job if you’re daydrinking all the time unless you keep it discrete and professional by having a penis and publicly flaunting your daydrinking while competing in downhill Alpine beer-chugging at the same Olympics that Savannah Guthrie isn’t at because you still haven’t found her Mom.

Plus a whole bunch of stuff that’s actually been going on at the Labor Department besides the daydrinking and sexual harrassing and alleged underling fucking. I feel like we should have known about the rest of that before. Our bad! (TFN)

This is all so heavy and so so much. Inside the policework when that piece of shit Vance Boelter killed Minnesota state Rep. Melissa Hortman and her husband and their goddamn dog, and shot state Sen. John Hoffman and his wife as well. (Star Tribune)

Holy Mike Johnson’s losing control of his moderates now. The House voted to affirm Rep. Ayanna Pressley’s bill to give Temporary Protected Status back to the Haitians Trump and Stephen Miller are trying to murder by sending them back to Haiti, and then the House refused to renew FISA to spy on us all. That’s a shame! (Noah Berlatsky at Public Notice)

This Democratic congresswoman, Sheila Cherfilus-McCormick of Florida, resigned while bemoaning how she’s being oppressed, but it sounds like she’s just real corrupt :( (Gift link Miami Herald)

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

Qasim Rashid made a video about the online “Rape Academy” and the responses were … unwell. (Qasim Rashid)

Maybe the Small Business Administration shouldn’t have given PPP loans to “artists” and “food service workers” making “$200,000 a year” while they were actually “members of the white supremacist Peckerwood gang” “literally serving time in prison.” (Courtwatch)

Wealth inequality was lowest in generations under Joe Biden, and I don’t understand why he wasn’t better loved for it. Kind of dry Paul Krugman, but with charts! (Krugman)

How I would love to be able to write like Caity Weaver, whose treatise on restaurant bread of the free variety and the bestness thereof you may already have read and treasured. But also I don’t want to write, and I certainly don’t want to have to work at it, so I will leave her to it. (Gift link The Atlantic)

This is … unexpected! Instead of hiding all its shitty history like Republicans on the national are doing, Mississippi is actually showing all its warts and all — and Haley Barbour helped??? This in addition to its huge strides in education, man, things change huh? (Mississippi Free Press)

These balconies are so rude to me. So rude. (Link fixed, gah!) (Matador)

You know where I hear they have balconies, or at least weird outdoor staircases that make absolutely no sense in winter? MONTREAL, where I just decided to have LA GALA D’ LES WONQUES on SUNDAY, JUNE 14! Montrealers, tell me where in Plateau Mont-Royal!

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Happy Monday friends! What did we miss while lolling about over the weekend?

The US has fired on and seized an Iranian oil tanker, all signs point to the war-operation not ending any time soon. (Al Jazeera)

The New York Times got the memos on how Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made himself king of America via the Shadow Docket, blocking Obama’s climate policy (possibly bitter because Obama voted against Roberts’ confirmation, saying he “far more often used his formidable skills on behalf of the strong in opposition to the weak”), while letting Trump get away with shooting someone on Fifth Avenue. Christ, what an asshole. (New York Times archive link)

Just the President of The United States of America signing an order to fast-track the FDA’s review of hallucinogenic drugs because, he said, Joe Rogan told him to, and then begging on television for some for himself because he is so anxious and depressed. “Can I have some? … I’ll take whatever it takes!” What a joker! (CNN)

What’s he so anxious about? According to the Wall Street Journal, it’s having an Iran legacy as bad as Jimmy Carter’s. “‘If you look at what happened with Jimmy Carter…with the helicopters and the hostages, it cost them the election,’ Trump had said in March. ‘What a mess.’” Don’t worry, sir, your disaster is already MUCH YUGER! Biggest Iran blunder of all time! The stink of failure and desperation coming off that guy sure is getting rank! (WSJ gift link)

FBI Director Kash Patel is so rootin’ tootin’ mad at The Atlantic for publishing that story on Friday, “The FBI Director Is MIA” — all about how he’s a useless lush prone to freakouts who hinders cases and staffers worry might choke on his own vomit— he and Mark Robinson’s CNN-suer-lawyer Jesse Binnall are gonna SUE THE ATLANTIC SO HARD. (The Atlantic archive link / The Hill)

Air Canada is suspending flights to JFK, citing soaring fuel costs, dearth of passengers wanting to set foot in the US. (AP)

Trump’s BFF Sean Hannity has taken his Bible and stomped off and QUIT the Catholic church, he wants you to know, taking to the airwaves to lecture “run-of-the-mill Trump-hating Democrat” Pope Leo XIV about commenting on earthly affairs, as if that’s not a pope’s entire job or something, LOL! (HuffPost)

“Some Muslim voters were once drawn to Republican positions on family values and individual liberty, but as Southern politicians stoke anti-Islamic sentiment, many feel threatened.” (New York Times gift link)

Democrats Being Amazing Department:

No stink of failure there!

MAGA influencer Ryley Niemi has started a GoFundMe after, he claims, he confronted a gay couple holding an infant and called them pedophiles in West Hollywood and got punched and his equipment destroyed. (JoeMyGod)

The Wall Street Journal traveled to Florida to peek in the schools that billionaires there are building to teach their super-extra-special children life skills, like how to build an FAA-regulation airplane from scratch. Compared to private school tuitions in big cities, $50k seems a bargain, too, though the extracurricular supplies and therapy probably add up to at least an annual Mercedes. Wouldn’t it be great if we pooled all of our money so all children could have a decent … oh, never mind! (WSJ gift link)

Wonkette meetups in Hawaii, Montana a disco in ‘Frisco too?! HELLS YEAH!! Be Embarca-dere-o, or be square-o!

Download the Wonkette Spotify playlist here!

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too. You can even send checks in the mail to Wonkette, PO Box 38273, Detroit MI 48238.

Give via Paypal

Horrifying news first, I am so sorry: Former Virginia Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax has murdered his wife, Cerina, and killed himself. Fairfax, a Democrat, was Ralph Northam’s lieut gov. When Northam was found to have done Blackface costumes as a young man, Wonkette demanded and party leaders considered asking that he resign — until women came forward to say Fairfax, who would have replaced him, had assaulted them, and Northam’s proposed resignation was shelved. Fairfax then tried to run to replace him after he was termed out, and lost badly. Their three children were reportedly at home. (NBC News)

Now on to things that are normal-terrible, and in some cases, even nice.

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

How many WARS can Pete Hegseth fight at once, is it 100? (USA Today)

Ahhhhh yes, the 2019 impeachment whistleblower and the Inspector General “manufactured a conspiracy” by blowing the whistle on Trump’s perfect call and then informing Congress about it, yes yes yes. And now Tulsi’s filing criminal referrals. Because exposing illegal acts is illegal when the illegal acts are Trump’s. (Fox News)

The FTC found the antitrust! And so they … forced a settlement demanding companies advertise on Elno’s Nazi playground because “ad agencies violated antitrust rules by agreeing to a common set of brand safety rules.” Words have no meaning anymore :) (The Verge)

First ICE agent that I know of to be hit with felony charges for, you know, doing felonies in Minnesota to citizens and noncitizens alike. Go to jail forever. (Gift link Star Tribune)

Chris Geidner thinks Justice Sonia Sotomayor was if not right then at least not wrong to apologize to Brett Kavanaugh for explaining to law students how full of shit he is. Because I trust Chris Geidner then I suppose I won’t be mad about it. (Law Dork)

Illegal immigrants are keeping our Social Security and Medicare alive in addition to keeping our olds alive and our young cared for and the food on our tables and all of the other things. Receipts. (America’s Voice)

The “pink pill pipeline” is luring in young women with frothy celebrity content before sucking them into the sewer of “you don’t want to vote sweetie” and “birth control is unnatural, you should have babies and stay home.” (Kylie Cheung at Abortion, Every Day)

Yes, Virginia, Republicans are very concerned about your mean gerrymandering, a thing that they and Barack Obama would never do! (Bad Faith Times)

Philadelphia prettied up some blighted lots, and people were like “hey, let’s not crime!” (Reasons to Be Cheerful)

What the fuck, Fodor’s, that’s an Onion story. It’s not supposed to be real. (Fodor’s / The Onion)

Hope nobody was planning on flying anywhere! (Fodor’s)

Like for instance Hawaii, Hawaii, Montana, or SF!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

News From Places I Have Lived In!

New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani didn’t just tax the rich on Tax Day, he got NY Gov. Kathy Hochul to go along with it too, heart-hug! (The American Prospect)

Mallory McMorrow (whom I’m supporting for US Senate from Michigan) and Abdul El-Sayed (whom you are allowed to support if you so choose) are neck and neck in the Democratic primary, and Haley Stevens, who is mortifying and for some reason Chuck Schumer’s choice, is trailing. Here’s a video from Mallory about surveillance pricing, UGH.

And here’s a blogpost by her (or her staff) about their Q1 fundraising and some other stuff, which I’m just linking for the bonus Donna Rose pic. (McMorrow substack) And here’s a post on her maternal mortality agenda, which I’m linking because Maternal Mortality. (McMorrow again)

California Wonkers, you’re something like a third of our readership, and we never even cover you at all, you’re too busy just being chill and mostly sane! But I’m going to try to do so more, so: Mayor Karen Bass has released her Climate Action Plan for LA! (Los Angeles City Dot Gov) Inside the 100 Hours Before Swalwell GTFO. (CNN) Whatchall think about Tom Steyer v. Katie Porter for CA gov? Or are you going Nice Becerra? I don’t hate any of them! Steyer’s a billionaire, but he and I are both practically one issue voters on climate change. Anyway, apparently he’s taken over all your airwaves, hope it’s not that annoying! This has been a blurb about California. (Politico)

Montana state supreme court just keeps refusing to be shitty, Trans Rights Are Human Rights edition! (Erin in the Morning)

And that’s the news in places I have lived.

News From the Place Dok Lives In

What the fuck, Boise? Almost a year after a county commissioner allegedly stabbed a minor girl and threatened to slash her mother’s throat after a drunken set-to on the river, the police haven’t finished their investigation because “case load.” (Gift link Idaho Statesman)

What the fuck even. World’s gone wrong.

Join your friend ZiggyWiggy Saturday night at 9 p.m. Eastern for Wonkette Movie Night, when you will be watching Wayne’s World. Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Available with subscription on Peacock, Paramount+ and Hulu. Free with ads on Pluto TV. $3.99 in the usual places.

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Good morning good morning, it’s time for your tabs!

JD Vance and Holy Mike Johnson are trying to popesplain the Pope about Just War Theory. The US Bishops have thoughts, they are shut the fuck up. (US Conference of Catholic Bishops)

You’re doing great with American Catholics, sweetie. (Jay Kuo) Hmmm, “abruptly” canceling contract with Catholic Charities to house migrant kids, hmmm? I’m sure no lawyers will be able to point to any “animus.” (Miami Herald) I’m with Amanda: They BEEN depicting him as Jesus this whole time, how was he to know they’d “get mad” about it? (Amanda Marcotte at Salon)

It’s not censorship if it’s state-run propaganda the new Hungarian PM is shutting down :) (The Guardian)

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! Paypal won’t automatically sign you up for the newsletter! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

DOJ moves to dismiss all sedition and terrorism convictions for the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers, also to let them have weapons again, upside down smile emoji. (Emptywheel)

But they keep busting all the January 6ers for more and more child sex abuse. Like this guy, who tried (unsuccessfully) to argue his pardon covered making child sex abuse material with a child under 12. (NBC News)

Here’s someone with #math.

Yes, please impeach Pete Hegseth. (HuffPost)

Well huh! I had no idea the law that FINALLY made shell companies report their owners, which I am very much for, was actually written by Marco Rubio. Gotta … hand it to him … I guess? Anyway, the Trump administration is no longer enforcing it, surprise! (More) fraud and moneylaundering for everyone! (Senate Banking Democrats)

This unfortunate young man Clavicular apparently ODed while livestreaming, right after the entire Internet had a very good time laughing at him getting “mogged” by an objectively much handsomer man. So he seems troubled! (The Hollywood Reporter)

“Ragebait streamer” Johnny Somali just got six months in South Korea for being an antisocial piece of shit, and I’m fine with that! (The Guardian)

Do the other Justices hate Brett Kavanaugh like all the senators hate Ted Cruz? Might be! (Balls and Strikes) Oh for fuck’s sake, she apologized. (NBC News)

RFK Jr.’s diary as gross as you would expect RFK Jr.’s diary to be. (People mag)

India’s doing great on solar! Good job, India! (PV mag)

STOP! Mamdani Time.

Second homes should be taxed as fuck. Hochul and Mamdani agree! (AMNY)

Pssst wanna see some bathrooms? Some are nice and some are fugly! (Houzz)

My beloved friend the late Chris Gaffney would always play this song as soon as I walked into the bar, even if he’d already played it: Saw your brother yesterday, he’s a loser. Living in Fontana, with a kitchen for his farm. What about the poor mom-and-pop Montana (rhymes with Fontana!) kitchen farms? Montana Sen. Steve Daines would just like to know. (Lizz Winstead on Facebook)

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

Don’t want a percentage of your money going to Substack? Goddamn it, I sure do get it today. The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Good morning friends, what are we reading today? FIRST ONE’S BAD.

Eric Swalwell sure did have a lot of young staffers who said they overserved themselves and then woke up later after blacking out, in some cases “bruised and bleeding.” This woman says she had one glass of wine with him and was “incapacitated.” It does awfully sound like that hilarious (not hilarious) old Cosby “joke.” She is filing evidence with the LA sheriff. (Politico)

Sure, it’s still going on (maybe forever!), but we all should know we just lost a war that Trump chose to enter. (Public Notice)

Trump’s losing another war of choice, and it’s with conservative Catholics who are siding with the lib commie woke Pope. (Letters From Leo)

You’re not going to believe this, but the New York Times has deigned to wonder out loud if the president of the United States of America may, possibly, could be the teeniest bit out of his fucking gourd. (Gift link NYT)

Jamie Raskin gon try to 25th Amendment President Idiot. (MSNow)

Derp.

Prefer a non-Substack subscription? The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal — let me know if you want the newsletter subscription too! they’re separate! — or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

People mad because prices high? Yes. People mad because prices high. (G. Elliott Morris)

But also!

These Emperors have no clothes, but they can still bomb Iranian elementary schools. They can still use ICE as their personal Gestapo. They can still kill Americans in the street.

No wonder we’re all losing our goddamn minds! (Garrett Bucks at The White Pages)

Trump administration backs down from stupid, stupid, stupid decision to bar the Pride flag from the Stonewall National Monument. (AP)

BOY that teleporting FEMA official has an interesting life!!! (Archive CNN)

This guy who shot someone outside a Planned Parenthood last November seems to be getting his case slow-walked. That’s weird and also a cool coincidence that the Trump administration is firing DOJ lawyers who prosecuted abortion clinic violence because abortion clinic violence is “protected religious expression”! (Abortion, Every Day / ibid, scroll down / MSNow)

California is starting to build housing finally, and many YIMBY wins are only just now coming online. Yes In All Of Our Backyards! (M. Nolan Gray)

Are Texans and the Right having a normal one about the growth of the Indian immigrant population in Frisco, Texas? Gonna have to ask the Magic 8 Ball on that one. (TPM)

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste! For instance, this new book by Louise Erdrich that I just got from the library and it’s SO BEAUTIFUL AND GREAT, but if you want to buy a copy from Bookshop.org, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

Don’t want a percentage of your money going to Substack? Goddamn it, I sure do get it today. The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Good morning, some housekeeping: Apparently goddamned fucking goddamn Andrew Tate is now on Substack, and even more of you are cancelling your subscriptions than usual. (We were already down about 10 percent due to “The Groceries.”) Do I blame you? No. I don’t. You can continue to subscribe with us with Substack — “just go to Ghost” is not a viable option with 20 years worth of archives — or at the bottom of the post there’s our Paypal button or a Patreon link.

Now tabs!

SWALWELL OUT. No, of Congress. Because of the allegations that he’s a disgusting and rapist pig. (CNN) TONY GONZALEZ OUT TOO. Fuck both those guys. (MS Now)

JD Vance’s “marathon” diplomacy … ahem … bombed. (The Fucking News)

Just how many people are sitting in Dilley who are legally here? Anyway, here’s a Canadian mom and her seven-year-old who sat in ICE prison for weeks even though she has a Green Card and is legally present. Now she is out “on bond” and has to go back to Texas to meet with her “bond officer,” even though she didn’t do anything illegal. (The Guardian)

Ramsey County, MN, is investigating ICE for kidnapping that old man in the snow. “‘There is qualified immunity for all law enforcement in a lot of different capacities, but seizing a person out of their home who is an American citizen, they’re not immune from that,’ said Sheriff Bob Fletcher.” GIT EM. (KARE11)

People are all of a sudden noticing these January interviews Bekah Day did with Amanda Ungaro, the 20-year ex-girlfriend of Melania’s Trumpbassador bestie Paolo Zampolli, who had Ungaro deported. Ungaro threatened on Twitter to Melania that she would tell all if it was the last thing she did, hours before Melania’s insane press conference last Thursday. (Bekah Day / Kimmie Nicole)

Interesting seeing all the shitty front pages not covering No Kings, and the good ones that did! (Media and Democracy)

Democratic Senate map looking better all the time. (Cook Political Report)

Good lord, Cocktober already? Bryon Noem spent FIFTEEN DOLLARS A MINUTE talking to his dominatrix who kept trying to explain to him that Kristi Noem sucks and you shouldn’t shoot a dog and he was like “that’s stupid to talk about the dog” and “she’s a good person” like okay buddy, whatever’s getting you through the night. (Archive Daily Mail)

Trump killed Joe Biden’s Direct File because it made life a little easier for Americans, and stopped his friends from looting us (more). (Don Moynihan)

First the Forest Service, now the Postal Service! The government has stopped contributing to mailpeople’s pensions, so the USPS doesn’t “run out of money.” Because government’s obviously supposed to make a profit off all the services, that’s how you run government “like a business.” Just not one of Trump’s businesses; except for the crypto grifts, those all go broke. (CBS News)

This Wisconsin city voted out data centers, and this Missouri town threw out its entire pro-data-center city council! (Canary Media)

Iowa’s trying to pull some of the same higher education censorship shit as Florida. (MS Now)

I think we should all go to the Jogkulsarlon Glacier Lagoon. Don’t you? (Visit Iceland)

Everybody fire up a spliff or drop a tab for Sid Krofft, whose shit was SOOOO HIGHHHH. He was 96. (OC Register)

Not as high as this though.

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste! For instance, this new book by Louise Erdrich that I just got from the library and it’s SO BEAUTIFUL AND GREAT, but if you want to buy a copy from Bookshop.org, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

Don’t want a percentage of your money going to Substack? Goddamn it, I sure do get it today. The button below will take any amount of your choosing at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Happy Monday indeed!

Sunday afternoon surprise! Seems JD Vance’s charms did not do the trick, and Hungarian dictator-scented prime minister Viktor Orbán conceded that he and his Fidesz party lost power to a supermajority of the moderate-conservative Tisza party in a landslide with the biggest voter turnout since 1989! Bad news for Russia and conservatives everywhere, and especially for the Trump regime. (New York Times gift link)

Enjoy!

Also last weekend JD Vance took his cheese touch to Islamabad for 20+ hours of talks with representatives from Iran which apparently did not succeed at whatever he was trying to accomplish since the surprise-attacked them Feb. 28 — a pinkie promise for no uranium enrichment, re-naming the Strait the Trump Tollbooth, it’s hard to keep up! That followed Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner also talking and failing the week before that. And Israel has continued to violate the ceasefire in Lebanon, maybe they should be involved in some talks too? Anyway, after attending a UFC fight with Joe Rogan and some golfing, Sunday Trump went back to blargling threats on his web platform that the US is “locked and loaded” and will start blockading Iran’s ports on Monday, and also ranted insults at the “WEAK on crime” Pope. (BBC / CNBC)

Sunday night he also posted an AI illustration of a Trump tower on the moon, and...

… himself as Jesus healing Jeffrey Epstein with the “Stranger Things” creature floating in the sky? Very normal.

Rep. Eric FUCKING SWALWELL, please and kindly GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE with your rape accusations and threatening to sue the accuser, dick pics, three other staffers now making sexual harassment accusations, and now a letter signed by more than 50 former staffers describing recent allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against him as “serious” and “credible.” Last week Swalwell he was considered a shoo-in for the governorship of California after Gavin Newsom’s term is up. Now that race is in a whole disarray, and as of this writing Swalwell is still refusing to drop out. FUCK YOU ERIC and FUCK OFF ELSEWHERE WITH YOUR PENIS THAT NO ONE WHO WORKS FOR YOU WANTS TO SEE OR TOUCH!! (San Francisco Chronicle archive link / CNN) oh never mind, he did. (CNN)

“The Era of Free Seas Is Unraveling—and Now Everyone’s Going to Pay: America led a maritime system that enriched the world for decades. Iran’s ‘toll booth’ shattered it.” (WSJ gift link)

Seems awkward that Trump brokered all of these deals that are netting him billions in countries in the same Middle East countries that just spent more than six weeks getting the tar bombed out of them, Russ Choma of Mother Jones is just saying. (Mother Jones)

A new poll found that the only demographic with a positive view of Israel and PM Benjamin Netanyahu in the US right now is Republicans over the age of 50. (Pew)

Whole lot of corrupt-loser alerts today: Elliot Berke, the Trump-appointed general counsel for the Kennedy Center, last fall tried to book his own amateur cover band the DePlorables to play at the center’s jazz-themed venue, was rejected. Berke is also “the outside counsel for a number of top Republican politicians, including former Speaker Kevin McCarthy and House Majority Whip Tom Emmer (R-Minn.), and does legal work for 80s musical acts like Asia and Night Ranger.” (Politico archive link)

After a Delaware judge allegedly liked a LinkedIn post critical of Elon Musk (the judge denies it, and says she has evidence that her account was hacked), she re-assigned Musk’s cases in Delaware the help of ScrabbleⓇ tiles. (Spotlight Delaware)

Vivek Ramaswamy’s chances of winning the governorship of Ohio are sinking, according to prediction markets, common sense. (Newsweek)

“Staff At Minnesota Deportation Hub Received ‘Obscene’ Trump-Themed Challenge Coins Adorned With Skulls.” (TPM)

Byron Noem opting to get his spendy tongue-lashings from a dominatrix named Shy Sotomayor, no comment. (Daily Mail archive link)

“RFK Jr. stayed with Cheryl Hines because ‘another divorce’ would cost him Trump cabinet post, biographer claims.” (Ouch and EW)

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You!) Tour For 2026!

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a 10-percent taste, yum!

Gift yourself a taste of taste with the Wonkette Spotify playlist! No kickback, just for fun. (Playlist)

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Good morning, get ready for all the news in the world. Or actually not that much news. Some of it. Some news.

Mission Accomplished. Which mission? All of them. Probably. Maybe? Maybe not. It’s secret? It’s secret. (The Fucking News)

Big day on the Internets yesterday afternoon! A day after Trump told a reporter it was a “beautiful thing” that Iran was going to put a tollbooth in the Strait of Hormuz, and that he was thinking about joining their cartel for a cut, he posted on his fake Twitter (Bluesky link) that this very new information to him was very they BETTER NOT and if they were they BETTER STOP. Then he called Alex Jones, Megyn Kelly, and Tucker Carlson stupid people, said they know it and their families know it, said he hoped Brigitte Macron took all of ugly Candace’s money, said Alex Jones was horrendous and should have lost all HIS money to the Sandy Hook parents, and it just went on and on and on and for the first time ever I got what some idiots see in Donald Trump.

Hey, so, anybody know why Melania chose yesterday to take to the White House podium and deny a friendship with Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell? Is she trying to distract from the Iran Not A War That We Won Already that we launched to distract from … my brain hurts.

I do hope a JD Vance acolyte at State and other minions threatening the Pope will be more than a one-day story! Vance smarmily shrugged it off, as is his habit, as not worth commenting on since it is “unconfirmed.” (Letters From Leo)

All the rightwingers who took secret money from Russia want other rightwingers to go to jail for taking (?) secret money from Iran (?). Yes please. (The Bulwark)

The CDC is burying a study showing that COVID-19 vaccines cut your chance of getting hospitalized by more than 50 percent compared to idiots who keep refusing to get the jab? Well how the fuck ‘bout that! (Gift link Washington Post)

This poor young man’s parents are suing for his wrongful death after the “telehealth ICU” didn’t have any fucking doctors to see that he was dying. AIYEEEE. (People mag)

The Pitt’s doing a really really good job on all these awful healthcare issues and how Trump and RFK Jr. are murdering us. Look for that one to run next season I bet. (Don Moynihan)

I do not want to read about the chimp civil war and I’m not going to! (National Geographic)

Does Kevin Hassett mean “employment boom” like it got droned? (Steve Benen at Maddow Blog)

From last week, Madiba K. Dennie explains this whole stupid thing about the Alabama courts trying to decide if the (Black, obvs) pastor could sue the cops who cuffed him for watering his neighbors’ flowers or if they could Get Out Of Lawsuit Free. (Balls & Strikes)

Oh dear, I hope President Trump will force Virginia Gov. Abigail Spanberger to un-delete the Robert E. Lee license plates she just went General Sherman on :( (WAVY)

LOL :)

Wonkette friend Harryeagar has died. He was a retired newspaperman — I hope he got hugged on Hug A Newsperson Day last Saturday — and loved all of you. Probably except some of you, I bet. I am told he did love to argue. Here’s to Harry, and here’s to us all.

Join your friend ZiggyWiggy Saturday at 9 p.m. Eastern for Wonkette Movie Night! You’ll be watching The Iron Giant, available with subscription on Howdy (free trial available). Free with ads on YouTube. $3.99 in the usual places.

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste! For instance, this new book by Louise Erdrich that I just got from the library and it’s SO BEAUTIFUL AND GREAT, but if you want to buy a copy from Bookshop.org, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Do-Do-Do-DOOOO! Announcing The 2026 Wonkette Friends And Family (That’s You, Dummies) Tour For 2026!

Good morning to you, and you, and you, not you, and YOU!

Spanish PM being el guapo again. (CNBC)

It’s certainly better that the United States suffered a total defeat in our war of choice on Iran than going in and committing a “whole civilization” ending genocide, but it was definitely a total defeat. On the other hand, Trump says maybe he’ll share the $1 a barrel tolls ($2 million a ship) with Iran, and presumably it will go to the non-US Treasury Qatari bank accounts where he was (but is no longer? so just the first half a billion dollars?) sending the Venezuela oil money. (The Bulwark)

The Iranians forming human chains. Israel obliterating an Iranian synagogue on Passover. (Qasim Rashid)

On paying our taxes for the things we cherish at the same moment we’re raining down death. Beautiful as always from Garrett Bucks. (The White Pages)

Gawk again at just how bad Maureen Dowd’s “Hillary the Hawk, Donald the Dove” column was: even worse than you remembered, just absolute trash. (Gift link NYT)

Sure reads like Pete Hegseth is firing any general who’ll push back on their crazy bullshit. (Status Kuo)

What? Okay.

So Orban is “trailing in the polls” for this weekend’s election. Does that mean he loses, or does Elon Musk do something to the machines? I have no idea how they do it in Hungary! (NBC News)

DHS and ICE brazenly lying about shooting at people, again, some more. (Radley Balko)

Oooof, the New York Times got rolled on this AI business story that declines to note the business in question is literally — as has been reported in other outlets for a year — one entire fraud. (Techdirt) And the AI can’t run a timer, but it will keep telling you it is (and we’re using it in our war machines?). (Gizmodo)

Lisa Needham went deep last week on the judge’s ruling about Trump’s Epstein ballroom. (Public Notice)

He killed the US Forest Service. (More Than Just Parks) But Michigan permanently protected 73,000 acres in the UP! (MLive)

Boise tells Idaho law barring Pride flags to fuck off, starts painting rainbows errrrrewhere. (Idaho Statesman)

Nice job painting the train, kid. (Good News Network)

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste! For instance, this new book by Louise Erdrich that I just got from the library and it’s SO BEAUTIFUL AND GREAT, but if you want to buy a copy from Bookshop.org, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

As of 6:40 p.m. Eastern, Trump announced he would not wipe out “a whole civilization” for another two weeks. Like the Dread Pirate Roberts saying good night Westley, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

These are just really nice people.

@iranfrominsideWould you come to cafe with me? #tehran #iran #Persian #iranian #fun #dating #middleeastern

Tiktok failed to load.

Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser

Did anybody tell him about the Oracle at Delphi? No, that would probably be too subtle. (Mused)

How’s the media covering all of this? Very very badly. Margaret Sullivan has some suggestions, like SUCK LESS PLEASE THIS IS IMPORTANT. (Margaret Sullivan) A reporter did come super close to winning the Jeff Tiedrich What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge, and I noticed, and Tiedrich noticed too. (Tiedrich)

No reason, here’s the Wik on the 2024 South Korean Parliament scaling the walls to convene, overrule the president’s invocation of martial law, and arrest his ass. (Wikipedia)

Trump’s requested $1.5 trillion for Defense — up almost 50 percent — doesn’t include an extra $200 billion he wants for this war. But you’ll never guess what’s in there, it’s billions for all his kids and Elmo and Peter Thiel and their friends! (Popular Info)

Giving Chuck Schumer credit — really! — for winning the ICE funding fight (so far). If we are all still alive today anyway! (The American Prospect) (PS: Good for TAP for getting rid of all their “programmatic” ads, which Wonkette did … 10 years ago. Thank you all for love and money this whole time!)

I think Marcie already gave you this one but it’s important to note that Democrats are less mad at Democratic leadership now that Chuck Schumer is actually holding the line (so far). (G. Elliott Morris)

I could give a shit about Hasan Piker, but I DO give a shit that people I like (Mallory McMorrow) are apparently listening to fucking Third Way and trying to use him as a wedge issue. Mallory, they are dumb jerks! Don’t listen to them! The wedge is facing the wrong way! (Katelyn Burns)

This basketball player needs help, but instead of help he’s being used by the worst “Christians” on earth. (Parker Molloy)

ICYMI: The DOJ decided presidents named Trump don’t have to give all the papers back. (CBS News)

“Final Exam for the Class ‘What a Presidential Candidate Can and Cannot Survive, Apparently’ Taught by Howard Dean” (McSweeney’s)

All the girl whales midwifing their whale friend. (France24)

Our universe is beautiful. Read some beautiful words about it. (Laura Jedeed)

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Bookshop.org is the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste! For instance, this new book by Louise Erdrich that I just got from the library and it’s SO BEAUTIFUL AND GREAT, but if you want to buy a copy from Bookshop.org, Wonkette gets 10 percent.

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Have you heard the good news? Easter candy is half off! Also, who or whatever deity you believe in — Jesus, Muhammed, Elijah, Elijah Muhammad, a fox with the voice of Johnny Cash — you might be meeting them sooner than you think!

President Donald John Trump, madman constrained by only the morality of his own mind, TruthSocialed his genocidal intentions towards Iran on the most holy day of the Christian calendar:

Trump gonna kiss Jesus and ask forgiveness for all the pride, wrath and mass-murder with that filthy mouth? Claim that praising Allah was some I was just jokin,’ nobody before you, Broski, just some artsy weave from your favored flawed vessel!?

And no Sunday services for Trump! Instead, before pounding that missive he called up Fox, ABC News and the Wall Street Journal to say a variation of “I’m considering blowing everything up and taking over the oil.” Then afterwards made a slow motorcade tour around where he plans to build an Arc de Trump to honor himself, in what sounds like a situation when a toddler refuses to nap and is on verge of meltdown and gets strapped in the back seat with a juice box and Raffi until they nod off. (Daily Beast archive link)

It didn’t work though, and then he got real specific. Uh oh.

Like premeditated war crimes are an episode of “American Idol.”

Israel is ground-invading Lebanon now. (Le Monde)

Sure hope Trump chickens out, and that Iran doesn’t retaliate inside the US! If there’s an EMERGENCY stateside, that’s one more tool to help him and complicit Republicans steal midterms. They have a lot to be worried about! Democrats are winning back the left flank, and “double hater” voters who dislike both parties now say they consider Democrats less bad by 31 points. (G. Elliott Morris)

Meanwhile, on Friday, 23 states sued over his latest Kingly Executive Decree blocking mail-in voting. You know, the same mail-in voting he and his whole fug family use every election. (CBS)

In addition to all of the other odious vote-suppression in the SAVE Act — fortunately beached in Congress for now — it would end voter registration drives. (Time / Bucks County Beacon)

Edward ‘Big Balls’ Coristine, aged 19, is now helping grifter Nick Shirley out with his fraudy “fraud” videos. BTW, ICYMI, the teens who assaulted BB got sentenced to probation. (Wired)

The murder of Alex Pretti reportedly came directly after Stephen Miller explicitly pushed DHS leadership to do message-sending levels of violence:

“If we let them have the perception that their protesting is successful, then the administration will never successfully prosecute interior operations to remove aliens, so we need to engage these protesters, and we need to vanquish them by force of arms. They need to be vanquished by any force necessary.”

Vanquished sure does sound like his brand of imperious self-fluffing. And then hours after immigration agents fatally shot Pretti, an ICU nurse, Miller called Pretti an “assassin” on social media. Terrified of protestors and voters, they are. (Daily Mail archive link)

A Honduran immigrant, Ever Alvarenga Rios, is in the hospital after ICE agents in Baltimore allegedly rammed his van on purpose. Alvarenga Rios' lawyers say they have not been allowed to see their client, and his wife says she’s been barred from visiting him in the hospital. Satan, if you’re listening... (CBS)

Nicer times:

Commandos rescued the pilot of that downed F-15E Strike Eagle who had been missing in Iran. (New York Times)

In the race for Texas’s 15th District, Democratic candidate Bobby Pulido — who also happens to be a Latin Grammy Award-winning Tejano singer — has been spending his weekends sing-campaigning at South Texas quinceañeras. (Wall Street Journal gift link)

Miscellany:

It’s always a good time to read or re-read the classic Captain Awkward how-to on dealing with MAGA-splainers in your life! (Captain Awkward)

Jackie O’s Casserole Marie-Blanche is the epitome of depression food, poor Jackie! Sub sour cream for cottage cheese, dump in artichoke hearts and capers, top with whatever chopped herbs and lots of parm, and don’t bother to bake it. Just dump all that on the hot egg noodles and season with garlic salt and pepper. Now you are comforted instead of sad, there there. (Better Homes and Gardens)

Your friend Callyson hipped us to Bookshop.org: the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste!

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Wonkette playlist shuffle, time to predict how everybody’s Monday will go!

The magic shuffle says … Fergaliciously!

Whew, not “Armageddon It”! Really getting it, do not want, not in these shoes.

Parties incoming for all who survive, hey hey!:

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Good morning beloved terrible ones! Here’s your terrible news for terrible people :D

Was Pam Bondi shitcanned as Trump II’s first attorney general for not wiping the Epstein Files of all the alleged Trump rapes, or for going too easy on his Enemies? Why not por los dos? (The New Republic)

DOJ appealing to throw Liam Ramos, the little boy in the bunny hat whose picture you’ll never forget, out of the country, some more, again. (Joyce Vance)

Hey, how many criminal investigations did the DOJ under Pam Bondi drop so they could try to deport Liam Ramos some more, again? How about 23,000, does that sound good to you? (Pro Publica)

Here’s what it’s like at Dilley, the ICE prison we already broke Liam out of once. SPOILER: Everything’s spoiled. (Mother Jones)

Oh no is Tulsi in danger? Oh no. (Guardian)

Well shoot, when I read that Todd Blanche was Trump II’s first (acting) replacement attorney general I cackled meanly because that guy has already been hospitalized twice for stress, but then it turned out that was ICE director Todd Lyons :( (Politico)

Yes of course Trump wants to end Medicare and Medicaid and daycare and everything else to have money for his not a war which he already won. He would want to end them anyway! (HuffPost)

Is firing the Army chief of staff a good sign for the not a war which we already won? (CBS News) Almost totally forgot (less than a week later!) that this guy was refusing to block promotions of women, people of color. (Robyn! Right here! At Wonkette!)

“The world can’t even believe what it’s seeing,” well yeah. That’s not a compliment. (Krugman)

The two week war to be over in another two weeks, plus some pudding cups. (Tiedrich)

Things are going to get worse before they get even worse. There’s no good way out of this stupid war because this war was fucking stupid from the jump. (Cassidy Steele Dale)

Have you been waiting for Our Liz to address the January 6 rioters suing the cops? Well so have I! (Our Liz at Public Notice)

This by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, on Kristi Noem’s husband Bryon’s bimbofication and Mar-a-Lago Face, is excellent: empathetic and explanatory. (She fucks up the detail about Kristi Noem’s sex woobie, which you and I both know but maybe most people don’t.) (Alisa Writes)

Saturday night’s Wonkette Movie Night is Smoke Signals, available for free with ads on Pluto TV and YouTube. $3.99 in the usual places. Join your friend ZiggyWiggy at 9 p.m. Eastern!

From the comments, new banger by Bette Midler doing Woody Guthrie.

Have you sent Wonkette to a friend today?

Share

Your friend Callyson hipped us to Bookshop.org: the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste!

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Parties incoming!

Good morning, don’t forget to read to the end for WONKPARTY TREATS!

Now what are we reading today? Some bullshit!

Did Trump declare victory last night? No idea, it’s Passover afternoon, I have some apples to dice and some shit. Did he whine and pout a bunch that Europe won’t help us invade other countries who “attacked” (did not attack) us? I bet you don’t know either because none of us watched that shit! (Politico)

How did Trump’s field trip to the Supreme Court hearings for Trump v. Barbara go, the one where he wants to decide which people born here are citizens? Did it go awesome? LOL. (Mark Joseph Stern at Slate)

Lists of Jews, lists of voters, it’s all cool right? (Tiedrich / AP / Heather Cox Richardson)

IRS just not sure how to handle being sued by their boss for $10 billion American US dollars. (Gift link New York Times)

You guys wanna see some Trump Library Hotel and Home For Half Dead Criminals AI slop? Don’t miss the gold Trump leviathan at 1:07, or do, I’m not your boss unless you’re Evan, Robyn, Marcie, or Dok. (Slop)

The Proud Boy influencers doing Minnesota ICE Cops-style ridealongs. (Talking Points Memo)

Even the idiots at CPAC are like this shit’s bad yo. (Dame mag)

Trump’s DOJ suing Minnesota for tort of being nice to trans people. These fucking people, man. (Erin in the Morning)

But Boise tells Idaho it can take its Pride flags and Trans Day of Visibility out of its warm live hands. (Confidential to whichever substack I saw refer in its No Kings post to “even blood-red Boise”: Yeah, nah.) (Idaho Statesman)

Karen didn’t want to pay her immigrant roofers. Karen called ICE on them. Karen in real big trouble with the law :( (Migrant Insider)

Looks like I’m getting a nasal Alzheimer’s test, when it is available if ever, how about you? (Brighter Side)

Holy wow, look at this crazy program my niecelet Sadie is attending in Italy this summer, LAW & ORDER: ART CRIMES! DUN DUN! (ARCA)

And speaking of niecelets, there are now THREE STOPS on the 2026 Wonkette Friends and Family (That’s You, Dummies!) Tour of 2026!

The first Wonkparty will be in HAWAII as said niecelet graduates from University of Hawaii (a year early, obviously) this May! Question for Hawaii Wonkalinas: Should we have our party Thursday, May 14, on the Big Island, or Friday evening, May 15, in Honolulu? PLEASE email rebecca at wonkette dot com to state your preference and tell me how excited you are to see us for our first ever HAWAII WONKPARTY!

Then come see us in MISSOULA, MONTANA, Saturday, July 25, for an afternoon picnic as we visit with Shy’s and my NEW MONTANA GRANDDAUGHTER. Whaaaaat! (New Montana granddaughter may not be in attendance.)

Finally we’ll be in SAN FRANCISCO after our anniversary/legally required annual corporate stockholder meeting (LOL) Monday, Nov. 30! Mark all calendars!

Your friend Callyson hipped us to Bookshop.org: the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste!

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!

Good morning good morning! What are we on about today?

Judge rules Trump doesn’t even own the White House, how is that even legal. (Ruling)

Oh, were the Capitol Police too rough with the January 6ers who were bear-spraying them and beating them with flagpoles? The DOJ will think so when it gives millions of our dollars to the mob suing the cops! (Politico)

Today the Supreme Court is hearing Trump v. Barbara, to decide whether we should have a sub-citizen class of people born here, so we can be more like Qatar. (Washington Monthly) Hey, who are the legal scholars providing their fig leaves for this absolute bullshit? Meet them! (Mother Jones)

Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers vetoed five anti-trans bills, so I’m giving you that link instead of the Supreme Court horror show banning anti-conversion-therapy bans. (Erin in the Morning)

The Pope needs to excommunicate adult convert JD Vance, who has a new book about “his faith” coming out and apparently being publicly scolded by two separate popes in one year didn’t teach him his lesson. (AP)

Dumb Pope just keeps forgetting that Jesus LOVED war! (Letters From Leo)

Yeah, I can buy Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez’s hypothesis that Ghislaine Maxwell wasn’t Epstein’s poor little girlfriend but rather was the brains/boss/handler. Same with his last girlfriend, and heir, some brainy Russian chick. Unsure about the Texas political wife, Mary Catherine Huffines, but could be her too! (Alisa Writes)

Candace Owens presumably having real normal one on this Charlie Kirk bullet filing. (People)

Jimbob and Ofjimbob Duggar have spoken out about their second son to be caught messing with children, and it is (mostly) what you’d think: They ain’t saying jack shit except that they’re “praying” and “loving,” but surprisingly they’re not blaming liberals for their having raised more than one child-diddler and or child sex abuse materialer. Don’t know why Joseph’s wife Kendra has also been arrested (they say she didn’t do any kid-messing, but she is charged with “four counts of endangering the welfare of a minor in the second degree and four counts of false imprisonment in the second degree” like what even the fuck). (People)

We love to blame presidents for the economy, don’t we folks? But Trump is actually the only one since Herbert Hoover who actually manifested the economy in his image, on purpose. He’s a Great Man of History! And it doesn’t even mention the crypto grifts! (Paul Waldman)

The subprime AI crisis sounds GREAT! (Where’s Your Ed At) Oh hey you know who was screaming EARLY about the housing market before 2008? YA GIRL. (OC Weekly)

Texas has banned “smokable THC” which is … different from marijuana I guess? But still allows edibles and those cannabis drinks and whatnot, so that seems much worse. (Houston Chronicle)

People, stop grifting kids with terrible “events,” Barbie Dream Fest edition! (Complex)

Melania Robot Teacher :/ (Amanda Marcotte at Salon) Now treat yourself to Melania Robot Teacher but funny. (Gift link The Atlantic)

Your friend Callyson hipped us to Bookshop.org: the anti-Amazon, a certified B-corp partnering with local bookstores. Here’s our Bookshop affiliate link, when you buy books, we get a taste!

All Wonkette posts are free, always. Feel free to

Share

Wonkette has NO PAYWALL, EVER, because how the hell are we supposed to fight disinformation when we won’t let people read us? If you are holding, and you are able, here is where you may make a one-time or recurring donation in any amount your heart desires. We love you!

Wonkette $ machine!

This is the button for giving us all your extra money (ONLY IF IT IS EXTRA) but with Venmo.

Venmo Wonkette all the $$$!