We began the day with some tabs, your morning news roundup. They weren’t terrible!

We are so embarrassing.

Go screw, Todd Blanche.

They are really something aren’t they? You can literally be in hospice and not be exempt from work requirements!

World Peace.

Time for a drink.

Hi hi hi hi hi. We may or may not have (definitely did) skipped some One-A-Days for you since I’ve been back from vacation. So here’s today’s!

Here were tabs! They were good tabs!

They included these important announcements.

There will be info on Cleveland’s wonkmeet in tomorrow’s tabs. You should probably read tomorrow’s tabs!

Evan watched the Fauci hearings. It was actually really upsetting, watching their hard-on to throw him in jail :/

Okay.

No reason, just noting that there’s still plenty of cocaine around, why do you ask?

MMHMMM.

I learned a lot of things reading Robyn. Very very stupid things.

And I’ll give you one from yesterday since I didn’t do a One-a-Day for what I’m sure was an excellent reason (AND IT WAS).

See you bright and early for tabs! :D

Here are Monday’s stories.

Tabs:

Dipshit:

Deceased warmonger:

Morons:

Garbage human:

Other garbage human:

More stories tomorrow when we write them!

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Friday began with Tabs, and a critter gif, what was it today? Right, that raccoon all the kids are meme-ing!

Jesse Watters has a problem with women, and with educated women in particular. He’s extremely weird and gross, and worse, much of MAGA agrees with him.

Americans are simply not fans of all the uglification projects Donald Trump wants to inflict on the nation’s capital, and in fact, only his most diehard crazypants followers want to see any of it built.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. wants you to know the nationwide explosive diarrhea plague is easing, unless you’re in one of the states where it’s continuing to increase. Also, we have a bunch of other foodborne illness outbreaks to worry about, or for Kennedy to take his grandkids wading through.

Wonkette is happy that a judge sided with the New York Times and the First Amendment in the case of Trump’s security-risk flying bordello, but we also ask you to consider how the poor subpoena itself must feel. Unlike its buddy Bill, it didn’t even get a catchy song and cartoon!

As ever, we close out the week with a cocktail, and this week it’s a sassy Sazerac from New Orleans! Truly a big easy drink from the Big Easy.

We love you. Have a good weekend! Yr Wonkette will be here too, and Yr Wonkette One-a-Day will return Monday to catch you up on the latest lunacy once more.

Was hat Wonkette heute geschrieben?

Es gibt diese Tabs!

Da ist dieser Idiot!

Diese Arschlöcher!

Diese dummen Faschisten!

Und natürlich dieser Nazi:

We hope the German in this newsletter doesn’t give creeps like Stephen Miller any hot ideas, as we’d remind him that the resistance to the Nazis also spoke German.

Tomorrow we’ll really screw y’all up and send the afternoon newsletter in Mandarin or something! Fun!

You can also use the button below to donate an amount of your choice at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.

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The day began with Tabs, and Tabs began the day. Our gif was a new critter to me, the adorable gerenuk.

Oh goodness, that Susan Collins is quite concerned again.

Sen. Andy Kim (D-New Jersey) has a terrific idea for how we can begin building out Medicare for All: Start with kids, and cover them until the age of 26, and won’t that create a voter base of youngs who will want that care to continue!

The Pentagon is running out of money for Trump’s stupid war, and Pete Hegseth knows whose fault that is: Joe Biden’s.

Aww, Elon Musk’s Cyberdumpster Wankpanzers are turning out to be the worst automotive failure since the Edsel. And they don’t even have a toilet-seat grille to joke about!

Rebecca has a lovely farewell to one of our longtime readers and commenters, and she also hopes you can make it to her party coming up this Saturday.

We love you. We’ll see you tomorrow for more of this whatever-is-going-on.

You can also use the button below to donate an amount of your choice at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.

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Tuesday started with Tabs, just like Monday did and Wednesday will. Some things are reliable. Also, an Owl Snuggling gif! Aww, cute!

Everyone in the “Manosphere” is terrible, but you knew that already. Just maybe not these particular examples!

Kash Patel is going to Russia in October, and it’s probably for something really important that needs the attention of the FBI director, nothing even remotely weird, OK?

Head DHS Goon Tom Homan is worried that all the mean words directed at ICE will result in more murders by ICE, so you people better watch yourself.

Creepy guys are wanking in dollar stores because it’s an online trend, yet there are still some people who think the internet was a good idea.

Donald Trump is very mad at Canada for catching on fire because of climate change, but he insists that’s not why he’s imposing new import tariffs on Canada. It’s this other thing that somebody put in front of him to sign.

That’s all the news we’ve got for now, but we bet a lot more news will happen by the time your Wonkette One-A-Day arrives tomorrow. We love you!

What did we talk about Monday? These tabs:

This idiot:

These A-holes:

This Contempo Casuals model:

This loser whose team wins at every sporting event he ever attends:

And this fine art:

See you tomorrow for more topics!

You can also use the button below to donate an amount of your choice at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.

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We started the day with Tabs, as regularly as I type “We started the day with Tabs.” How meta! Also, a gif of a weirdo crab wielding dual sea anemones as pompons, for defensive purposes. (Remember, “pom poms” are antiaircraft guns.)

Donald Trump gave his dumb “election security” speech Thursday night, did not reveal any shocking new information proving he really won in 2020, but did confirm the wisdom of our decision to embed a Japanese railroad livecam instead.

JD Vance tried to convince that Jim Rogaine guy that putting the 10 Commandments in Texas classrooms isn’t “forcing” religion on anyone, because really, are the commandments even religious at all?

Canada’s on fire, and it has a lot of us thinking about climate change for some reason. Just not Republicans, who are mad that Canada is sending wildfire smoke illegally across the border to have anchor spark babies.

Fox News anchor Jesse Waters thinks it’s pretty funny that US soldiers pumped up with testosterone may commit a bunch of rapes, because Jesse Watters is one seriously fucked-up sociopath.

We closed out the week with cocktail hour, this week featuring a Strawberry Rhubarb Daiquiri, yum. It’s funny, though, because Hooper, Your Bartender, told me this week’s cocktail would feature hickory syrup. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Dok,” he said.

Coming Up Soon: If you are in the general vicinity of Montana, which is itself a very big general vicinity, with a big sky, Yr Editrix will be hosting a Wonkette Drinky Thing Party in Missoula next Saturday, July 25, with a potluck at Caras Park from 2-6 p.m. “Mountain” time!

Have a great weekend, and we’ll have stuff for you to read but it won’t get a newsletter, so sad. We love you!

We really do need you to send Wonkette to all your friends!

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Hey, there was a bunch of news today, too, goo-goo-ga-choob.

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The day began like any other, with our morning Tabs news roundup, and adorable Lynx babbies.

RFK Jr. wanted to spend $5 billion to “prove” there’s a link between vaccines and autism (there is none), but saner heads prevailed, a phrase that is seldom written about anyone in the Trump administration.

Pete Hegseth wants only the fiercest raging warriors, so he’s going to test the testosterone levels of everyone in the military if they’re over 30. Does that include women? Nobody knows for sure, but why not? America is just one big Twitter thread now.

Jay Clayton, Trump’s nominee to be director of national intelligence, tried to bluff his way through his confirmation hearing. That was a poor strategy, Jay!

Tom Homan says the ICE shootings will continue until morale improves, or until ICE runs out of bullets.

Donald Trump wants everyone in America to watch him lie some more about the 2020 election and why we can’t trust democracy anymore, and it will be awful. Join us to watch a livestream of commuter trains in Tokyo, Japan instead.

That’s all for now! We’ll be back in the morning to keep track of the unfolding stupid apocalypse as it, uh, unfolds! We love you.

Here’s tabs, don’t let the number one story stop you from reading them :(

And here’s Dok on that number one story — with a … well, you know.

Let’s get back to something less horrific, and that is … sure why not!

SNIFFFFFFF.

CLASS WAR!

And here’s something not-horrible to End your Day, it is Robyn laughing at these men who are begging and pleading and whining won’t we let them be macho?

GOODBYE!

These tabs:

Well is it?

Good boy, Kash!

Goodbye some more, Lindsey!

Here’s an idea!

And finally, or whoever.

See you tomorrow for WHATEVER.

PEOD (Penultimate End of Day) was this by Robyn and DANG this guy is WHOA! The headline isn’t even it!

Going back back back in time to the hour before that we had UGH BLORK BLECH.

Nobody else will play Marco Rubio’s stupid Antifa games :(

A Nice Time from Robyn :D

And today I learned we can make our text different colors, which is obviously the BIG NEWS OF THE DAY!!!!!

Perhaps you will share my artisanally curated morning news link tabs (although perhaps not, it seems fairly late in the day to share morning news links, unless you are in Hawaii maybe). (I know many of you are in Hawaii, because I met you!)

Maybe this is the one you will be sending to a friend or a social media site: ugggggh Graham Platner ughhhhhhhh. SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

A lot of people are sharing this by Robyn, about this Heritage Foundation lady the New York Times is writing about so often she might as well be a Black lady running Harvard or gender-affirming care! Except those things and or people are cool, and this lady is a weirdo who wants to get teens big-preg and ban IVF.

Oh oh oh oh this beautiful ICE-murdered man and his beautiful family, oh oh oh oh.

The president’s gilded Qatari bribe zeppelin strikes again, is a thing you could share.

Marsha Marsha Marsha!

Send to a friend, and make them

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we’ll see you bright and early for tabs!

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How did we start our day, dear friends? The same way we do every day, trying to take over the world!

Evan had a one-two on Trump at NATO — ugh — and how Canada and Europe will never love us again :/

and also

So there’s this MAGA rep., Brandon Gill (?) who is married to Dinesh D’Souza’s daughter and has little babies with her and is VERY WHITE SUPREMACIST and also has dumb Clark Kent hair but that’s not really the point.

Paris Hilton is legit a hero on this topic, remember when she went and got Matt Bevins’s (adoptive) son from one of these horrorshows in Jamaica, because the place had been shut down and the Bevinses … just left him there? Ugh.

We call it a lorry.

We talked about bees!

We talked about how communists should just go to Europe for a heatstroke!

We talked about how the hologram of Theodore Roosevelt does not like that hornswoggling fopdoodle Donald Trump!

We talked about going to that gross Trump 4th of July celebration, because Dom went to it!

We talked about Doug Burgum being the designated surviving liar on the Sunday shows, while everybody else was sleeping off their MAGA orgy from the night before.

And finally, we talked some more about that MAGA orgy.

See you tomorrow for UGH.

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Our Independence Day Eve began, as always, with Tabs, and with a gif image of a majestic babby møøse who wouldn’t even dream of biting you, especially if you refrain from karving your initials into it with a toothbrush.

We were treated, if that’s the word, to another cameo appearance from minor Trump 1 player Meatball Matthew Whitaker, who went on Fox News to explain that what makes America great is eating in your car, which can be done in no other place because FREEDOM.

New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani, flanked by newly-naturalized American citizens, gave an Independence Day speech and we watched it live until he forced Americans at gunpoint to set their thermostats to 78° F and the world ended.

We took a look at the Georgia race for US Senate, where Democratic incumbent Jon Ossoff is facing a challenge from a generic MAGA troll who looks like a used car salesman and whose campaign launch video misspelled “Georgia.” It will be annoyingly close come November.

Republicans are so worried that not enough white babies are being born that they’ve decided higher rates of teen pregnancy are needed, at least among patriotic white teens.

And as one does, we ended the week with happy hour and a minimalist variation on the Cuba Libre, also for FREEDOM.

Yr Wonkette loves you! Stay hydrated and do not point fireworks at anyone! See you Monday!

First we learned all the things we could possibly want to know from our morning news roundup!

I shall not choose you a hilarious line from Evan’s roundup of Trump’s latest grifts, there are simply too many!

Oh dear, it all does look like a clusterfuque!

Troy Nehls’s bbq didn’t create jobs.

Sharin Sharon’s outlook on the topic of look at RFK Jr.’s bullshit.

This is genuinely, legitimately bad. Be careful all you DC-based Deep State Wonkers!!!!

First there were tabs! Lol good hed me!

Evan looked at all these lunatic reax to Trump v. Barbara, the birthright citizenship decision, and the ones from The Federalist’s Sean Davis are genuinely upsetting :(

I legit don’t understand why Gary isn’t a writer on a popular television programme, he is so good at the make the talking!

Yes, that does sound like them.

Will JD Vance never tire of explaining “Catholic” to the pope?

Aw man, this is so fucked and I’m so sorry. There was that glorious week in ??? when every 50-year-old got student loan forgiveness at the same time because that was the week Biden changed it to forgiveness if you’d been paying more than 20 years on them. And then the Supreme Court said Biden wasn’t allowed to do forgiveness because unitary executive wait no what’s the one that’s the opposite of that but for Democrats? Right, the equally made up “Major Questions Doctrine,” that’s the one for Democrats. Anyway, I am hugging you, if you are under 50 and got boned.

There were these big tabs.

Megyn Kelly being a big white supremacist some more.

The Supreme Court wanting big pats on the back for upholding an extremely simple Constitutional principle that a kindergartner could understand. Only four of the Court’s fascists want to completely delete it!

Big bad faith from the Supreme Court!

BIG ANGRY at Amy Coney Barrett!

And big Ezra Klein being the bigger person and finding common ground with big evil Chris Rufo. God, Ezra, fuck off.

See you for more big tabs in the morning!