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Wonkette’s day began, as always, with Tabs, and a double-dose of cuteness in the daily gif: Ducklings AND puppies!

After Bari Weiss revamped 60 Minutes with a pipe wrench, the season premiere was … not watched much at all. But at least two old Wonkette minor characters put in an appearance.

Canada might join Europe, but only diplomatically. Donald Trump may really think the northern part of the continent is planning to relocate, no telling. (Nah, if he thought that he’d be planning resorts on Montana’s new northern coast.)

California Republican gubernatorial nominee Steve Hilton thinks it would be a great idea to do away with the DMV. To be clear, many people hate the DMV (not Yr Editrix!). But he also wouldn’t replace it; he’d just tell the counties to figure it out on their own. That … isn’t a plan, now is it?

Nice time: Elizabeth Warren and AOC want to save American healthcare, such as it is, from being even more enshittified by private equity vultures who would make it far, far worse.

If Donald Trump can’t put his name all over DC’s Kennedy Center, then maybe he’ll just nuke it from orbit and write his name on the crater. Surprisingly, many oppose this.

Wonkette loves you! We’ll be back tomorrow, maybe with a Talking Heads headline, or maybe with something else!

Here are some Monday stories:

Tabs:

NOT FROM CENTRAL CASTING.

FROM SUNDAY SHOWS.

FROM RUSSIA.

FROM ROBOTS.

FROM A LUSTY PLACE.

More stories tomorrow when we write them!

We learned many things in the morning news roundup, as artisanally curated by moi!

Evan had some things to say about these dusty old bigot losers, the very same ones who had to shake Zohran Mamdani’s hand later in the day and then were completely undone by it, like so.

And then!

Dok explained the Missouri maps fucktacular!

Boobs.

Not one but two two two magical stories from Trump’s security blanket convention in a row, and we didn’t even get to the weird cult film they apparently showed, not that I’d know, you think I’m watching that shit?

I did this one in “medium style” so you could see Dok’s YIKES pic! Time for a drink!

See you this weekend, or Monday, whatever, love you bye!

They were good tabs! I said meatwad and beav heh heh heh.

I put that one in “medium display” so you too could go DANG HASAN PIKER’S DINGLESMACKUS!

Obviously, Americans only sacrifice Granny to the COVIDS!

“Hey, what ever happened to Scott Brown?” “Doesn’t matter he lost again.”

Oh Brooke you scamp ;)

DOLLARS! Get your five hundred or five thousand or zero dollars!

Okay everybody, good game! See you bright and early unless WE FORGET!

There were some tabs, but now I’m regretting not saving that hed for tomorrow’s tabs, when I got more meat.

It’s a couple days late, but I think you’ll appreciate the fulsomeness (in the abundant sense) of Dok’s explainering.

Literally true headline back there! (Except for the ‘sold-out’ part.) If you were wondering, no, we will not be liveblerging Trump’s dumb speech tonight, we stopped paying attention to those things years ago.

Know some folks in North Carolina or Ohio? You should probably let them know there’s some fuckery afoot!

ARE YOU SURPRISED?????

And finally

My how Dok did go on!

We shall see you loves and terrible ones bright and early for tabs!

Those back there were the tabs. They were fine, I worked Labor Day to write ‘em.

That one was about the map, and the fucking racist loser babies.

Michael did the Sunday shows! I feel like you figured that out already.

They’re having all kinds of new ideas this week!

Like that one! Back there!

Self-explanatory.

My husband said “I am writing you a thing about the White House website video games, do you want it?” and I said “yes.” Happy 12th anniversary of the fifth day of our first date to him! And that’s why there’s that post of that!

Well, we sure had fun today! See you bright and early for tabs!

We had tabs, they were Gloria-based! Plus other weird news and things, which you for sure should always read, every day, because I write them.

We had a very good obit by Brooke that fewer than normal of you read. Did you all assume it was going to be shitty because we talked about the CIA part?

At least I had somebody in my inbox (all replies to the newsletters go to me) spitting FUCK THAT CIA ASSET and CIA SCUM, so at least I got to block somebody first thing in the morning. People are fun!

Robyn wrote about how the Teen Pregnancy Prevention program funding works, which I thought was really interesting! I’m a nerd.

Lol girl bye.

And here is some FEMA Hurricane Helene and Milton #debunking because lord these people love to lie!

Oh yeah? Well I bet jet fuel can melt those steel beams.

And once again, it’s time for a drink!

We’ll have normal weekend posting and then a surprise Labor Day movie matinee at 3 p.m. Eastern with Norma Rae!

Except of course here at Yr Wonkette, where everything remains perfenctly norbal.

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We began the day with Tabs and a gif of a Fennec FOX PUPPY!

What if we did something crazy and fixed the Supreme Court? I know, but what if?

JD Vance has many thoughts about the Apocalypse, just like any Roman Catholic who sounds exactly like a fundagelical.

Oops, the kids in California won’t get AC in their schools after all. Mistakes were made.

And here you thought letting factory workers die in fires was a relic of the Gilded Age, or of Donald Trump’s OSHA starting next Thursday probably.

James Talarico is on the verge of beating some crimey Republican asshole in Texas’s Senate race, so bye-bye polling places in the state’s third-largest county.

Pete Hegseth still has a job, and why is that, exactly? Dunno!

Yr Wonkette loves you and wants you to be happy, but if you’re going to follow the news anyway, come sit with us, OK?

How can you have any pudding if you don’t read your tabs?

It’s true: Evan’s meanness IS why you subscribe!

Subscribe now

I was all like “oh I better check to see if Brooke’s post got unrelevant since she wrote it yesterday afternoon” but then it turned out it was all about CLIMATE DISINFO! (That headline hadn’t been like that before, or I would have already known, I’m not DUMB.) So it did not in fact get unrelevant, GOOD JOB BROOKE!

Nobody tell Robyn about the weird thing Haley Stevens just said about Bernie Sanders (he’s a jihadist?), the #unity was so nice while it lasted :/

Mean again!

Lol hed. Which brilliant person came up with that one???

Okay, see you all bright and early for tabs!

Evan did your tabs! They were good tabs.

Pete Hegseth is literally breaking the military, and not in a cool way a bunch of peaceniks would like.

That stupid aggravating infurating thing with the lake.

Pshaw, that only affects ballots getting mailed TO voters, so it doesn’t even count as voter suppression, right? Right.

Oh no, the public health official said we should invest in public health! That’s a terrorism!

And how did it go on Brooke’s second day at work?

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Here are some Monday stories:

Tabs:

Feels like they made this rule for somebody specific, but who knows.

Of course Ted Cruz is in this post.

Welp.

Dork.

SPECIAL NEWS OF NEW WONKETTES!

More stories tomorrow when we write them!

It really has been a Talking Heads kind of week. Or century. Put a wiggle in your stride, Mr. Jones!

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Friday began, as every weekday does, with Tabs, today featuring a gif of a parrot on a little choo-choo train.

Canadian POTUS Mark Carney (I love this dumb joke and will not give it up) trolled Donald Trump some more over Trump’s idiot trade war and lake renaming spree. We’ll say it now: Come December, “Hydronym” will be the Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary Word of the Year.

Friend of Wonkette Denny Carter, of the Bad Faith Times, dropped by to reflect on the perennial whines by College Republicans that they are very very oppressed by censorship on campus, a thing they completely made up.

No news that RFK Jr. is a lying liar, but he also lied to Congress, and in several conceivable universes, that is a big effing crime. Just don’t hold your breath waiting for him to be held accountable.

A climate professor at West Point got fired for teaching actual climate science, so he’s suing the bastards who demanded he not mention humans’ role in climate change. No, the commander in chief can’t order the service academies to lie to cadets about science.

Treasury Secretary Howard Lutnick is Donald Trump’s most loyal fluffer, and Our Gary channels his earnest lickspittling with uncanny … nay, scary accuracy.

As a reward for making it to Friday, Hooper Yr Bartender opened Happy Hour for all. Shots fired! Or more accurately, poured!

We love you! Have a good weekend; Yr Wonkette will be here Saturday and Sunday and your one-a-day will return Monday too!

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We started the day with Tabs, as we always do, featuring a gif of an adorable bobcat zoned out by catnip, which affects even bigger kitties

Jesse Watters doesn’t have a man-crush on Michigan Democratic Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed after interviewing him, no he does not, but what dreamy eyes!

States have been cutting funding fore Dolly Parton’s early childhood literacy program, and while we’d expect that of red states, a couple of blue ones have fallen short too, so they’d better fix that.

Donald Trump wants to rename Lake Ontario “Lake America” but without being laughed at, and that’s not gonna happen.

A whole side of a mountain glacier collapsed and flooded river valleys in Nepal and Tibet. Was it climate change? Too early to say conclusively, but the Himalayas are warming, and scientists have been warning that’s, you know, not good.

Ron DeSantis got his hand caught in the Medicaid funding cookie jar, and even Florida Fraud King Rick Scott is outraged!

Yr Wonkette loves you. Please come to our beautiful house and hang out

First, an explanation of what we got wrong in our Dolly Parton tribute (which most people did not think was a tribute!) in tabs.

So much for the Army!

The DHS inspector general wrote a whole report on how one FEMA field crew skipped 11 Trump-sign-bedecked houses in the middle of a nationwide rightwing freakout threatening to shoot FEMA field crews. Interestingly, has NOT wrote a whole report about Trump saying out loud no FEMA help for blue states. HUH.

Yeah, nah, don’t be surprised if we get some surprise “terrorism.”

They BEEN coming for surrogacy. Also IVF and the Pill. They only want people to be able to have babies who don’t want to.

Dok accidentally posted his five minutes after Evan’s, and I yelled at him, and then not five minutes later I accidentally posted Robyn’s. NEW RULE: All Wonkette posts must be posted at the same time.

Sigh.

We’ll see you bright and early for tabs!

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We started the morning with Evan’s tabs!

I am glad The Troops^TM know that this is stupid bullshit.

Some lady got mad at us about this headline on Facebook to which I say lady, I am sad to tell you you are not as progressive as you think you are :(

LOL. Jesse Watters kept getting so mad.

A CLASS WAR!

And how worried should you be about the Supreme Court mebbe letting Trump throw away all the mail ballots (from blue states)? Some. Some worried.

See you bright and early for SAN FRANCISCO PARTY REPORT tabs!

Here are some stories:

Tabs:

Honest question!

Lower, lower, lower.

ZHOOM!

Fake news!

Good try!

More stories tomorrow when we write them!

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But our week at Wonkette began its last day not with torrents of chemical rain, but with Tabs, as always, including a briefly confusing gif of swan butts that we thought were Furbys or something.

Pete Hegseth is maybe considering running for president, and if that isn’t terrifying, we don’t know what is.

And then there’s Trump’s nominee to run the FDA, Heidi Overton, who carries her own Overton window around with her and is terrible.

The US national debt soared right through the entirely symbolic amount of $40 trillion. Republicans are certain to use it as an excuse to impose austerity and cut social services like they always do, but the real fact is this: It’s the tax cuts, stupid.

Donald Trump’s human printer, Natalie Harp, isn’t having an affair with Great Leader, but such details might be less gross than the sycophantic reality. We did a little editing of her long weird letters, getting them down to convenient bullet points that Trump might be able to process.

Our week actually ended not with the apocalypse, but with a drink, as it always does. It’s something called a “Black garlic martini,” though, so maybe that’s a little apocalyptic all on its own. Also, as Hooper, Your Bartender, explains, it’s not made with “black garlic,” it’s just got “black” and “garlic” for you.

Happy Friday, and we hope you have a great weekend! Wonkette will be here Saturday and Sunday, and the One-A-Day will be back Monday. We love you.

You can also use the button below to donate an amount of your choice at Paypal, or we have a Patreon too.

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Oh heck, we forgot to put Wednesday’s Nice Times closing post in Wednesday’s Wonkette One-A-Day, so here it is now! New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani held a “Parents’ Night Out Event” with free babysitting last weekend, so parents could enjoy a little quiet time. Rightwingers who can’t shut up about family values were outraged by all the communism.

Wonkette’s Thursday began, as always, with Tabs, featuring a provocative headline and a gif of a hungry bunny rabbit.

Lindsay Graham’s sister doesn’t know anything about Taiwan, but she does know who she’s supposed to hate, and that’s all voters expect of her.

The Natalie Imbroglio continued, and somehow managed to get stupider, with the disturbing revelation that Donald Trump is “post-sex.” Ew.

Wonkette photojournalist guy Dominic Gwinn brought us a photo essay on Great Leader’s many, many uglification projects in DC. Ew again!

Dearborn, Michigan, was treated to another far-right social media influencer’s gross attempt to do a hate rally against Muslims, and the good people of Dearborn had a message for the Nazi punks. (Spoiler: the message was “Fuck off.”) And hey, why does Republican Senate candidate Mike Rogers have one of the Nazi rally organizers on his “Faith Coalition Leadership Team”?

RFK Jr. has started a YouTube cooking show to teach Americans how to feed a family of four nutritious meals for less than $20, as long as by “20 dollars” you mean “actually a bit over $70.” Funny how stores won’t sell you just 84 cents worth of olive oil!

Yr Wonkette loves you. Stay cool if you can, and don’t let RFK Jr. teach your kids to do math.

We began the morning with some pretty good tabs!

Evan wrote about the Florida primaries! He was funny! Which you’d never expect!

Somebody emailed us “how can a building be a communist” and HENGHHHH?

Dems not feckless! Mostly! (Oh Hakeem.)

Yeah nah, nobody thinks they’re fucking, MAGA, nobody’s impugning her chastity. We’re saying GIRL BUGEYED CRAZY.

Okay, you guys ready for a SECRET?

YAYYYYYYYYY :D :D :D :D :D :D D:

See you bright and early for tabs!

Well Evan began with a mostly Insta and/or Bluesky posts tabs (it happens sometimes) but you really should click through for the BALLROOM diatribe, it’s lovely.

Meet Gary, your drill sergeant!

I know I say this every week, but: They have lost their actual minds.

This guy is full of shit. Would you like to know more?

A boot stomping on Alan Dershowitz’s face. Forever.

And we end with a Nice Time even nicer than boot and Dersh face.

See you bright and early for tabs!