We started the day with tabs! They were fairly crazy tabs, shit’s been crazy!

Evan wrote up this bullshit, which is SOME BULLSHIT. But it was funny!

We put up a shell for you to watch Pete Hegseth! None of us actually watched it as far as I know.

But apparently he embarrassed himself like this:

Right before the Supreme Court 86ed (murdered, with extreme prejudice, execution-style) the Voting Rights Act, Dok wrote about this:

This was about abortion, and yet it was very funny:

And this was important, and yet it was very funny:

In addition to all that everything up there, I was on a podcast, even though I tell you all, all the time, that I don’t watch podcasts! I said stuff like “put the thing on the thing” and then explained I, a professional writer, haven’t been able to come up with “words” since 2019. I explained this was “perimenopause” which isn’t even the right word for “fucking full on menopause,” god damn, I am bad at my chosen profession. Also: a little puffy! I had fun. Anybody who wants me on your podcast, let me know, I will say stuff about things.

So what did we get to today? Some things!

Evan did your morning tabs! They had a lot of Tori Amos and Raymond’s wife.

Trump stole Obama’s time machine to go eight months back to the future (does not include today’s news about the FCC promising to smash all ABC’s licenses).

Marcie watched his whole fucking crazy 14-minute monologue on … this, whatever this is.

Evan had a good time shitting on Bari Weiss and Tony Dokoupil.

Hey Chuck and Cam, how do?

This by Robyn was really something, you should have seen her in the chatcave when she got to the part about “they had to explain why they wouldn’t take the ‘discrimination’ case against the white man, when he was beaten out for the job by a white man, and all the other applicants were also white men.” Don’t that just beat all?

Okay, I had a rough day (rough week) and I bet you did too. We’ll be back at it tomorrow!

The tabs, of course. “GOTTA READ YOUR TABS.” That’s what your Nana always said to everyone.

Uh oh loud noises. Quick! To the ballroom!

Dana. Dana.

Florida no fun anymore.

An actual nice story! (It is happening in Europe.)

And then you’ll be having this hi-larious Trump interview with Norah O’Donnell. Oh boy, what a tantrum he had!

See you wouldn’t wanna be you!

What did we type in your faces today? Some things!

First, as always, there were tabs, which you should always read. How can you know what’s going on in the world if you don’t read your tabs???

Evan has Fridays off for his four-day workweek, but he came in anyway to follow up on this!

We had a guest post from Ali Davis! She’s so good you guys.

Lol Dok, ew.

In Detroit, you buy the “raw” fish or chicken and then they fry it up for you “complimentary” and BAM, ya SNAP-compliant! We love fish chicken. (All the signs say “fish chicken” and we insist on calling it “fish chicken” because we are hilarious.) It’s so salty and unhealthy and good.

Time for a drink.

See you bright and semi-early for whatever Robyn cooks up for your Saturday, BUH BYE.

There were tabs. Everyone should always read tabs!

So the DOJ indicted the Southern Poverty Law Center for … infiltrating the Klan? Just as its donors have been sending it money to do for the past 40 years? It’s what Wonkpal Denny Carter might call holy shit bad faith.

I think Evan should write about Europe more, particularly when it’s SENOR GUAPO.

HACK WHEEZE HACK WHEEZE FORK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL HACK WHEEZE.

I guess I had forgotten the Supreme Court overturned Lemon in the past few years, balls and strikes and whatnot you know.

Is it bad to fire all your Navy people during a war premised on a naval blockade? It’s all fine right?

And it’s not new but it’s newly updated with MONTREAL, CLEVELAND, and PITTSBURGH to come!

Come and see us that we may love all over you. We all need it!

I do not speak French.

We shall begin with news marveilleuse that I am gonna see your bitch asses IN MONTREAL! WHEE! OUI! Also: Cleveland and Pittsburgh, YA ADDED.

That news was also aqui, en la tabs!

How can you miss The Hairballs if they won’t go away?

This by Robyn, as always, was very good, but she had the day off so by the time I read and edited this she didn’t even know she had typed “vile homophone,” honestly I should have left it in there.

THE JOY.

There were so many perfect quotes on this one, tell me your favorite in the comments, mine was “FBI Director ‘I’m Not As Think As You KA$H I Am’ Patel.”

And that’s it for today. Get the fuck out!

We love you goodbye.

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The day started as usual, with Tabs (including Dersh news) and an adorable .gif of a babby elephant!

Gary brought us up to date on the latest Trump cabinet member to get the boot, and isn’t it funny how so far it’s been women getting quitfired, while terrible men keep their jobs? What a funny old world!

Evan gave Alan the Full Dershowitz, to mark this important turning point in American politics.

Dok gave the New York Times a good talking-to for its disingenuous fretting over Democrats actually fighting back against Donald Trump’s gerrymandering. Wouldn’t it be more ethical to lose nobly?

Marcie brought us the tale of two horrible Republicans fighting to smear each other as the most despicable fraudy grifter! Can’t we just hope for two knockouts?

And Evan closed out the day with a reminder that while telling Fox News anchor Greg Gutfeld to go fuck himself won’t solve all our problems, it would certainly solve our Greg Gutfeld problem.

Yr Wonkette loves you, and we’ll see you again tomorrow!

Here some tabs, there some tabs:

KA$HLOL Patel is SUING.

Rogan being a bad influence.

Sunday shows:

Palantir, totally cool, totally normal, seem like nice guys.

Wouldn’t this be something?

Y al final.

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There were so many tabs!

Lauren Boebert better not be calling the Horny Police unless she wants to go to horny jail!

This is disgusting.

They keep trying to send people to jail for pointing out they broke the law.

If you had “Pete Hegseth will forget to feed the troops” on your bingo card, you’d be home by now.

Finally a nice time for your PEOD (penultimate end of day)!

Now get your drank on.

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Gonna be a lot of taaaabs to change the way things are.

Everybody’s all shocked this week that the Republicans are being weird freaks about teen pregnancy — i.e., being for it — again, but I swear Robyn’s writing the same post since 2014.

Evan thinks everyone should boycott the US World Cup, but I think boycotts might be illegal now?

GTFO John Eastman!

Hey remember when Obama did the worst religious oppression ever by assuming those nuns could … sign a form if they didn’t want to offer insurance with birth control in it? What a tyrant freak.

And for your open thread enjoyment, here’s this … actually the best guy FEMA has going? Oh dear.

See you bright and early for tabs!

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There were tabs, and they were mighty.

Evan made fun of JD Vance and Erika Kirk, so that was a good time!

Not a good time? This by Marcie!

Giorgia Meloni breaks up with Trump.

Everybody breaks up with RFK Jr.

And LOL treat yourself.

That’s it for today, see you bright and early for tabs!

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There were some tabs! Jesus …. is your friiiiend.

Not fuck things up? That doesn’t sound like our way at all!

Another Trump LOLsuit bites the dust.

Now the DOGE tell-alls are coming out. They’re very bad!

And here’s why I personally have been having a very bad day!

She seems nice, but really she seems nice. Hope her husband gets better!

And two sex pests gone, with some House members’ with their hands in the kitty soon to follow.

Thank you for being our friend. We love you!

For lo there were tabs, and they were weird.

And then we had a VERY GOOD NEWS. Lol that gif kills me.

Jack-off motion.

This one’s real upsetting, and I got a real crazy note in reply (all replies to the newsletter come to me, no matter who wrote the post) about like FUCK YOU, and WHY DIDNT THEY TAKE LIE DETECTOR TESTS and no, ma’am, you’re being nuts. Nobody demanded Dolores Huerta take a lie detector test or file charges against dead Cesar Chavez. ANYWAY, Eric Swalwell can rot.

The Sunday shows were dumb.

Lol the pope is WEAK ON CRIME. And Trump is the pope of DEMENTIA.

What did I just say?

See you bright and early for tabs!

We began our day with tabs!

Then I managed to post Robyn on the West Virginia supreme court telling measles to go fuck itself and Evan on Trump’s lunatic yesterday afternoon simultaneously! GREAT JOB, ME, AS ALWAYS!

Marcie took point on the Melania craziness from yesterday, but I’ve become close to convinced the whole thing was because of tweets from the deported 20-year girlfriend of Trumpbassador Paolo Zampolli, Amanda Ungaro. Pretty sure we’re going to be hearing her name more and more!

Dok did this week’s election story! Lame headline, I forgot to change it, I just keep winning!

Robyn wrote about the same topic Evan wrote about at his side hustle this morning! But they’re different! Because Robyn’s is about how there’s a woman to blame (but you know it’s your own damn fault).

And whew time for a drink.

See you bright and early (okay, 10) for our usual Saturday programming! Bye now!

Here’s what we wrote at you today!

I tabsed you!

You’re welcome for this headline, world!

This is a different ICE shooting-and-lie than the one in tabs I think? There are so many.

If he says so, whatever, fine.

This is not the story from yesterday! MEGYN KELLY IS STILL GOING!

And instead of ending chronologically with your open thread, I’m gonna end it with the happiest story of the day HEART HUG!

See you bright and early for tabs!

Here’s the things we wrote you today!

There were, as always, your tabs!

We cannot keep going in this abusive relationship. This shit has got to stop.

You know who else thinks this shit has got to stop, and also that he should “shut the fuck up”? No you don’t.

What’s this? Just Evan’s personal friend Lizz Winstead wanting to get some things off her chest and on the Wonkette! I bet she does it again.

A NICE TIME! A NICE TIME!

And this one by Robyn made me laugh and laugh.

See you bright and early for tabs!

Subscribe now

Here’s the WARRRRRRR we wrote at you today. Fuck!

There were tabs!

There were “People who do eggs.”

But these eggs gon’ get fertilized :/

There was all this awful shit.

DO NOT CONGRATULATE.

DO NOT CONGRATULATE TOO.

Are you there, Congress? It’s us, Wonkette.

Still on spring break? Okay then. Not like anything important is happening, like the President being out of his pea-turkey mind.

Whatever may come, Wonkette will keep you posted!

Okay, back up, in the beginning there was Tabs.

Boys who hate girls who are girls … no, I’m just saying they really hate girls.

Robyn had a lot to point out about these “conversion therapy” chuds.

LOL Marcie:

“This is like helping a kid with their homework diagramming paragraphs and they’re like but I don’t waaaant to upside down in the chair with a pencil eraser up a nostril, and the kid is us.”

Not the happiest This Day In Labor History!

The sad dueling NYT headlines are worth the click in Dok’s story alone.

See you bright and early for tabs!

We began the day with Tabs, as ever, and a real story about Melania Trump and a “teaching robot” that we just wish was made up.

The US Supreme Court today heard arguments on whether a president can change the meaning of the Constitution with an executive order and make birthright citizenship go away. This was also not a joke.

Donald Trump can’t seem to decide whether he wants a forever war in Iran or not, and is pretending that US allies are now responsible for cleaning up the mess he made. This is darkly funny, but in no way is it a joke.

A federal judge put the kibosh on further construction of Donald Trump’s big perfect grift ballroom, ruling that the White House is not a sandbox for a president’s personal property, to be torn down or added to at whim. And even thought the ruling included a surprising 17 exclamation points (not all in one place), it was not a joke. (The ballroom, however, is a joke.)

A bunch of the insurrectionists who stormed the Capitol on January 6, 2021, are suing the Capitol and DC Metro Police for being mean to them, and while it’s surreal, it’s not a joke.

Two rightwing social influencers who are gay actually find some vicious homophobes on the Right pretty charming and likeable, and are willing to agree to disagree with them. Even when the homophobes say gay people cannot ever be tolerated, not even rightwing gay people. “And honestly, I love his honesty,” said Dave Rubin as he was led away to a boxcar. We are joking about the boxcar; Rubin was not joking about the refreshingly honest bigot.

We’ll be back tomorrow with more on the unfolding crisis, without even the hope that it might be an elaborate prank.

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Honestly Antifascist Button

But first he did your Tuesday morning tabs!

I guess all the Wonkette people besides me like to make fun of the UFO thing, but sorry not sorry I BELIEVE.

It’ll be nice if they get rid of Orban, will Hungary be salvageable, y/n?

WHY WON’T THEY FIGHT OUR WAR FOR US.

Well I for one think Trump tried to rape that girl and then punched her in the head. Sorry this story’s been sitting up top so long today :/

And finally, and JUST IN TIME, it’s BOOBS!