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Wonkette’s day began with Tabs, the way it always do. (How were we to know it was with the Russians, too?) Also a gif of otters playing on/in a giant punkin!

This story about Trump cancelling his last few campaign rallies was a lie by the time the morning ended, because Trump got skeered and decided to go after all.

Poor Donald Trump is slowly going crazeebananas all alone before the midterms, so sad!

RFK Jr. would like you to consider the latest scam health fad that’s better than real medical care.

Vivek Ramaswamy has pulled that awful ad that’s been making everyone call him a sociopath (except for other sociopaths).

Sir Patrick Stewart has beamed up for his last away mission. We should all hope to be remembered even half as well.

And we rounded out the week with a cocktail, which is pretty darn needed yet again!

Also too, just a reminder that on Sunday, we’ll be doing part 1 of our latest Wonkette Book Club! More info right here! Have a great weekend!

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Wonkette started the day with Tabs, as one must, and a gif of doggos in Halloween costumes.

Barack Obama is having far too much fun at MAGA’s expense, and we are very much here for it.

Our pal Denny Carter from the Bad Faith Times has a pretty radical idea for 2026: Teach young men to give a damn. It’s important.

Mary Peltola’s campaign did some penny-ante ratfucking — barely even dormousefucking if you ask us — of the sort that both parties have always done forever, and the New York Times decided it was the HER EMAILS of 2026.

Oh, yes, and House Democrats compiled an extensive report on some serious allegations of sexual assault and coverups by Donald Trump, which the New York Times didn’t put on page 1.

We closed the day with an appreciation of the life of United Farm Workers cofounder Dolores Huerta, who died Wednesday. What an amazing woman! Yes, she did.

We love you, and we’ll see you again tomorrow!

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Wonkette’s day began with Tabs, as it does, and a headline that made us think of musical Janes. Also a gif of a spooky deep-sea skull-fishy.

The titular absconding of Flávio Bolsonaro to the US, formerly Mother of Exiles, now home for wayward dictators.

Since the fall of Roe v. Wade, 902 women have been charged with pregnancy-related crimes, and that’s America in 2026.

Cassidy Hutchinson won’t be charged for her January 6 Committee testimony, because the grand jury said nothing doin’.

Brazilians gave the Amazon rainforest a reprieve by reelecting President Lula, though the rainforest isn’t out of the woods yet.

And rightwing weirdo Dave Rubin told an AI animation program to spit out a short paranoid fantasy about how if Democrats win the midterms, AOC, Zohran Mamdani, Hasan Piker, Bernie Sanders, Barack Obama, and Abdul El-Sayed will turn the US America into an atheist Soviet socialist dictatorship AND a radical Islamic caliphate at the very same time, and then Antifa/PLO looters raided the beige store. It could happen here, if you’re a paranoid dipshit who’s afraid of everything.

Yr Wonkette somehow survived the very scary apocalypse, with its neatly-arranged burning cars every 25 feet and the teensy police armored cars that barely reach the raving hordes’ waists, and we will be back tomorrow for more mayhem.

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Yr Wonkette began our Tuesday with Tabs and with a gif of hungry hungry capybaras devouring a punkin’ as is only right and just.

The Justice Department is going after James Comey again, but couldn’t get a grand jury on board, so it’s Todd Blanche dialing Information.

Yr Wonkette is doing a membership drive! If you can, become a paid subscriber and win … the satisfaction of knowing that we’ve been keeping you sane, with NO ADS, for ten years now!

Barack Obama made a joke about Donald Trump’s White House looking like “Saddam Hussein opened a Cheesecake Factory,” and the rightwing outrage factory sprang into action. You’d have thought Obama had asked for Dijon mustard while wearing a tan suit.

Democratic leaders are already planning to use their constitutional powers to rein in Donald Trump’s attempts to sic the Justice Department on his political enemies. It’s about way more than just Ilhan Omar and James Comey. And this time, they’re ready to investigate not just Trump, but all his little fascist helpers.

Donald Trump fails again, California Voter Suppression edition.

Military boards are ignoring Pete Hegseth’s directive to cashier transgender service members, and it’s beautiful.

That’s it for today; we’ll be back tomorrow with all the news and snark that’s fit to … transmit electronically via the internet.

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OK, Monday stories! BRAZIL!

There was this trashfire. Not Elissa Slotkin, the man threatening her.

These trashfires named Mike.

This trashfire.

BRAZIL!

And finally this trashfire.

And that was the end of the day. Goodbye!

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Wonkette’s Friday started off with tabs and a gif of a vampire squid, which we are informed is not a true squid. You are FAKE SQUID. Also, Glenn Beck remains an insufferable asshole.

In a Trump administration full of terrible things, even an incompetent effort to strip a member of Congress of citizenship and deport her should be unspeakable.

Who's writing these nonsensical headlines??? Oh right it's Yr Editrix!

RFK Jr’s war on health continues, and yes, it’s going to make babies sick with Hepatitis B. Another thing we should be screaming about in the streets, but we’re all exhausted.

Vivek Ramaswamy’s behavior is grossing out one of HP Lovecraft’s unspeakable Elder Gods. That’s bad.

Thankfully, we have cocktail recipe to take us into the weekend. If you ain’t fer us, you’re a’Guinness!

Wonkette loves you. Have a safe weekend, watch out for eldritch horrors, read the next installment in our new Book Club Saturday, and we’ll see you again Monday.

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Wonkette’s day began with Tabs, and a surprisingly cute gif of a very large-eyed bat.

Donald Trump is heading to Mississippi to shore up support for Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith, which means Rs are seriously worried about the challenge from Democratic DA Scott Colom. Now Hyde-Smith will spend days worrying about whether Trump will remember to name her at all, or to talk about some male senator’s firmly-toned buttocks again.

Unknown Republican big spenders are trying to ratfuck the Texas elections by — stop us if you’ve heard this one — whipping up panic about transgender people.

ICE goons rammed a guy riding a bicycle and broke his arm. Predictably, The New York Times is soft-pedaling the brutality, saying that video “raises questions” about ICE’s version of events. Questions like “Did anyone at the Times watch the video?” Christ on an e-bike!

The White House is super angry at Politico for reporting that there’s “dysfunction and infighting” over whether Trump will shitcan Susy Wiles to make himself feel better. What? Infighting? In the Trump White House? Unpossible!

Rightwing Evangelicals are having yet another fight over whether Jesus wants people to have empathy for one another, or to be like most Rightwing Evangelicals.

We’re sure there will be even more news tomorrow, and by golly, we shall make fun of it for you.

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Our day began early with Tabs, with a big fun gif of a big musk ox having big fun with a big punkin’!

Donald Trump keeps yelling at reporters, whom he appears to think are clouds, because don’t old men typically yell at clouds?

A Democratic-aligned super PAC has crafted what might be the election’s best ad.

You might think that Vivek Ramaswamy couldn’t have disgraced himself any further than he already had, but you simply underestimate his bottomless creepiness.

Oh, Elon Musk slowed down his internet satellites to degrade Ukraine’s ability to fight. Apparently on Trump’s orders. Pretty sure that makes us the baddies.

Shocker: California’s ‘noncitizen voters’ kind of didn’t vote, but Trump likes threatening California anyway.

What a day! We’ll see you in the morning!

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Our day began as it must, with Tabs, including the aforementioned continuation of Canada, and a nifty gif of how glassblowers make punkins.

James Carville would rather not see Democrats win if any of them are “socialists.” We would rather not have James Carville telling Dems what to do ever again, forever.

Bari Weiss remains awful, day whatever. Also racist, and also lying.

Republicans are really taking political attack ads right into the gutter. You may need a Silkwood shower after reading about what they’re up to in Ohio.

OMG the Republican panic over MILLIONS of noncitizens voting in US elections is … still not true, although the DOJ found 28 people in California who may have registered and voted improperly. We must therefore do a full DNA test of every potential voter, then give the DNA a polygraph.

The “president” is doing very presidential things again.

Wonkette loves you and wants you to be happy! And we want to remind you that we’ve got a new installment of Wonkette Book Club a-coming up, too!

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Wonkette’s day started with some tabs.

And then there was an angry mob!

And then there were some Sunday shows.

And then there was Barack Obama, being MAD ABOUT A THING.

And then there was TOMMY PEEPEE.

And then there was VLADIMIR PEEPEE.

And that was the end of the day. Goodbye!

Never mind!

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Our Friday began with Tabs, as it must, and a gif of two raccoons going to town on a yummy Jack-o-lantern.

Ben Shapiro is being weird about women again. Like, notably so.

Yr Wonkette is doing another book club! We’ll be reading Bill McKibben’s 2025 Here Comes the Sun this time, a surprisingly upbeat (but not Pollyanna-ish) look at solar energy’s potential to remake economies, empower developing nations, and give us some real hope in the face of the climate crisis.

Donald Trump is trying to fuck with California’s elections, and California says GTFO.

It wouldn’t be an election year without some weird Republican warning that a Democrat is a very literal witch. Sheesh. Just one?

Democrats want candidates who’ll fight, and in Michigan, Abdul El-Sayed is very much not taking any shit from JD Vance about knowing his place. Yes, please!

As one must on Fridays, we ended the week with a nice cocktail! It’s such a new concoction that its name is still a work in progress.

Have a great weekend, wonkers! We’ll be here toiling in the snark mines for you Saturday and Sunday, and we’ll newsletter you again Monday!

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Our day began with Tabs, a Robocop reference, and a gif of kittens confused by glass.

Guys? Donald Trump is not a well man. Like, again. And somehow worse!

Rep. Andy Harris (D-Maryland) won his place in the Petulant White Male Politician Hall Of Fame this week. Congratulations, richly earned! Harris did not consent to being recorded by one particular reporter at a public event, and yelled that the reporter was violating Maryland’s wiretapping law, which requires “two party consent” — but only when recording a private conversation. Public events don’t count.

Donald Trump is trying to deport Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minnesota) based on long-debunked conspiracy theories. It’s Obama birtherism, recycled!

Wingnut election deniers (includuing the current president of the United States) are trying to throw Crom knows how many legitimate California voters off the voter rolls, because what if they are actually faking their citizenship? Or even their existence?

CNN did a town Hall with James Talarico Wednesday night and he was terrific. Republicans were outraged that he didn’t admit he will force Jesus to undergo gender reassignment surgery at a school while being force-fed halal tofu.

Yr Wonkette loves you! We’ll be back tomorrow with more of this goofy stuff that keeps happening all around these days.

When they go low, we go punk.

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Wonkette began the day with Tabs, as always, a funky-cool (screams) gif of a big hairy tarantula, and a completely true story from Minnesota with the unforgettable headline “Tarantula-tossing candidate running for U.S. Senate sentenced to workhouse over 2024 incident.” Stories like that make the news bearable.

Speaking of Minnesota, the real Senate there involves no spiders other than those in the brain of Republican candidate Michele Tafoya, who shouldn’t even be within any points of Democrat Peggy Flanagan.

History may not repeat itself, but on Fox News this week it rhymed with another time Brian Kilmeade made more sense than the others on the Idiot Couch.

JD Vance tried doing comedy and it was weird and embarrassing and, of course, deeply bigoted.

LA mayoral candidates Karen Bass and Nithya Raman had a serious policy debate and they didn’t even need a dipshit Republican in the room to make things interesting!

More debate funtimes, this time from Georgia, where Jon Ossoff flattened Republican challenger Mike Collins like a cartoon steamroller / anvil / giant mallet.

Politics is terrifying and hilarious and Yr Wonkette loves you. Give our regards to Mariana!

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Wonkette’s day began with Tabs, as it must, and with a spooky moo-cow gif, too!

Donald Trump may be having second thoughts about Pete Hegseth’s plan to show all America’s children a live execution of a human being. Or maybe not, since later in the day the Great Man took to posting videos of lions mauling humans. He’s a mercurial fellow.

The rightwing social media hoax claiming that James Talarico was sent to the booby hatch was debunked almost immediately, but will no doubt become gospel truth for the party of birthers, 9/11 truthers, and chemtrails enthusiasts. As James Thurber said, don’t count your boobies until they’re hatched.

Former Gavin Newsom spouse, Fox News person, and Don Jr girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle now has another title as former ambassador to Greece. She was pretty freaking horrible, to the surprise of no one.

Are you a manly incel hoping to spend $7,500 learning how to smash your face with a hammer to make yourself more attractive, but not knowing where to do it? Clavicular, the Creepy manosphere weirdo (but we repeat ourselves), has a camp for you!

Wonkette loves you and hopes you use your Ameros for good, not evil. See you tomorrow!

Here are some Monday stories:

Morning tabs:

Taking turns!

Letting Sunday shows take turns!

Fucking fascism, here it is.

This pathetic traitor.

Oh but hey this is fun! Take advantage of it!

More stories tomorrow when we write them! In the morning!

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Friday began like any other day, with Tabs and another of this week’s microscopey gifs, with lots of skin.

Sen. Jon Ossoff debated his Republican challenger, Rep. Mike Collins, whose congressional and campaign staff is so full of Nazis it might as well be a late-night block on the History Channel.

JD Vance is mad at “socialism,” which he defines as, um, foreign workers and also transgender kids on sports teams. Well we happen to have Karl Marx right here, and he says Vance knows nothing of his work.

Meta is aggressively censoring LGBTQ+ content on Facebook and Instagram, but don’t you go saying it’s to curry favor with the Trump administration, because Facebook has a long history of enabling fascists around the world, not just here.

The Trump administration must have looked at its approval ratings and decided the only way to improve things would be to kill a guy and livestream it.

And as we do every week, we rounded out our Friday with a nice civilized cocktail!

Have a fine weekend; Wonkette will be posting stuff all weekend and your one-a-day newsletter will be back Monday, because we don’t do Columbus. Columbo Day, now that, we could support.

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Our morning began with the TABS, which I never type in all caps except now. Odd. Our micro-gif today is some cells dividing and stepping on mitosis.

Republicans are not freaking out about the midterms. Please do not put in the newspaper that they are freaking out.

Colorado’s GOP nominee for governor started out weird and offputting, and only keeps getting moreso and moreso.

Donald Trump sure is having fun joking about letting Iran nuke San Diego and Los Angeles, which must be doing wonderful things for Republicans trying to get reelected in California.

Trump’s “sir” stories and his Melania stories crossed the streams, and it was just as ugly as Ghostbusters led us to think.

Donald Trump is even fucking up his attempts to bribe voters.

Wonkette loves you! We’ll be back again tomorrow, and … oh gosh, Friday!

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Wonkette’s day began with not enough coffee and just enough tabs, and yet another microscopic gif, which seems to be a trend this week? What is this, a blog for ANTS?

What? The US military under Trump and Hegseth is lagging behind the forces of Ukraine because our idiots in charge are full of shit? Amazeballs.

Donald Trump had a rally near Baltimore and it was a goat rodeo. The Trump rally, not B’more.

Sean Duffy wants to reward highly fertile Americans with public transit funding, because this is hell and we live here now.

Donald Trump needs a Camp David near his real home, especially so he can charge rent on future presidents.

Everything about the Paramount-Skydance-Warner Bros merger sounds like a dystopian hellscape.

Jim Bakker is dead but his legacy lives on in how fucked up American politics has become.

Yr Wonkette loves you and if you’d like to be a tree, we’re good with that.

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The day began with Tabs and JD Vance’s new nickname, “Low-T JD.” Also a gif of single-celled wrasslin’ organisms.

Speaking of non-sentient single-celled organisms, here’s a story about Ken Paxton.

Speaking of simple organisms that live only by reflexive reactions, here’s a story about White House comms weirdos freaking out because Jack Smith went to a concert wearing a “No Kings” t-shirt, which means we must cancel elections forever.

Speaking of terrible people, here’s a story about Megyn Kelly attacking the victim of a gang rape for ruining the lives of the nice young Cornell men who have so far suffered no consequences other than “write an essay.”

Speaking of people we wish we’d stop hearing about forever, Sam Alito has a “new” book out, a collection of speeches in which he calls same-sex marriage a “decisive” turn against “religious liberty” because now people who hate LGBTQ+ people are forced into silence except when they publish bestselling books about how oppressed they are.

And finally, speaking of people who you forgot were still around until you learned they died, Jim Bakker is now one of them.

Yr Wonkette loves you and Willa Cather, or maybe we mean Eudora Welty. Both really.

Here are some Monday stories:

Morning tabs:

Yep yep.

This was so good that we’re actually going to watch the whole thing.

Also good that this child rapist is dead!

These assholes.

Yep, sounds like Jesus!

More stories tomorrow when we write them! In the morning!