Kamala Harris is closing strong!

Watch all her final rallies here!

Donald Trump is closing by going down on microphones? K.

And the Trump campaign is blabbing about how everything went wrong to Tim Alberta. You know, before the election has even happened?

We’ll see.

At least nobody can say Trump doesn’t have excellent plans if elected, just excellent. Well-thought-out aned all the best people like RFK Jr. and what could go wrong?

The last Sunday shows post of the 2024 election found Republicans still being total assholes.

This guy. THIS GUY.

This Politico. THIS POLITICO.

You betcha!

Wonkette feels pretty good about things, as you can see from this Tabs hed.

You know how Wonkette was doing a serialized novel every Monday morning? Well it’s over now. SHOCK ENDING? You decide!

And that is all. Go to the Wonkette news website and watch all the Kamala Harris rallies, oh yeah and also go vote plz.

TOMORROW IS A DAY AND IT WILL BE A GOOD ONE! WE MANIFEST IT!

Evan has a new side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!

Follow Evan on Facebook.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

BlueSky! 

Here, a LinkTree!

Share

Want to donate just once?

If it didn’t take so long, by law, to count mail-in ballots now — red states mostly won’t let you start even processing them until the polls are closed — I’d say we’re looking at 2008, where at 8:01 p.m. West Coast time, we were kissing strangers and cheering and dancing in the streets. Instead, we’ll have this lagtime to smoke cigarettes and fall down drunk and tear our own hair out. But on the other side of those few days to a week, I truly believe this fucking nightmare will be over.

But how is that different from the Hillary campaign’s overconfidence? Because pffft I said so. Now what did we learn today?

First, Dok had your tabs!

(I took yesterday off-off, all the way off, to go volunteer for Halloween at the girls’ school all day :) )

So much screaming! It was fun!

Okay.

There’s gonna be a LOT of this on Tuesday: mad guys insisting the rules don’t apply to them so they can yell at (the Blacker and female-r the better) poll workers.

Jimmy Kimmel is like the best American hero lately.

This is like the people wearing diapers to Trump rallies (on the outside of their clothes) for … ??? I guess the ritual self-humiliation makes you prove you’re in the cult?

This is just awful. Just awful. I’m sorry.

I like how Marcie has been giving us these dinguses’ backgrounds, so we know more about the real them. He and Cleta Mitchell were both Democrats? Guess brainworms can happen to anybody :(

And she did a very good job on this too. We need more immigrants! Yes, it’d be good if we could just appeal to people’s humanity and morality to let the immigrants in — I would like that! — but also deporting millions of humans will be bad for us, and I don’t think it’s immoral to appeal to people’s self-interest and explain that! Especially since it’s true!

I saw a person on Blue Sky (the not-Twitter) laughing and laughing about what kind of idiot riles up Dick Cheney this way? She’s not saying it’s good Dick Cheney is the most blackhearted villain who ever lived, she’s just pointing it out and asking why you want a piece of that?

I like BlueSky, you might too! Find me at https://bsky.app/profile/wonkette.bsky.social

Anyway, right!

Even the Fox News writer couldn’t keep the tone up through the whole story.

Wank wank wank.

And after a bad health thingie last week, Hooper, your bartender, is back and he’s feelin’ rummy!

Thank you for being our subscriber and our friend. Hit us up over the weekend for more stories!

This is just true.

Kamala Harris was magnificent last night. You know what that means!

and also!

Supreme Court gonna Supreme Court, “balls and strikes” wank wank wank.

And these wannabes.

Another woman died because the Supreme Court let Texas’s SB8 through.

A tale of two late show comedians.

and sigh.

YEWCH.

They’re *promising* it.

Let’s wrap up with another Nice.

See you bright and early for Tabs!

Evan did your morning news roundup. They were good tabs!

Seven days till the election? Well fuck me running!

Rhodes’s ex-wife Tasha has written in to Wonkette before. She’s a nice lady. She and her children don’t deserve this shit.

Yeah uh huh.

Here’s an even better “joke” (it was not an even better joke, we are sorry for this bullshit, Mehdi Hasan).

Your friend Crip Dyke has some thoughts!

Two more on fascists and I think we’re done!

and

Okay, this one isn’t about fascists so much as lunacy:

NOW we’ve got all that done, you can have some Nice Times, for a treat!

Dominic went to Ann Arbor! I love these pics.

Evan yelled at some gross performatively bearded shitbirds!

And here’s every livestream in the world, on your WonkTV!

See you bright and early for tabs!

Share

We started the day — after tabs of course, which of course you opened and read!

— with three pretty big newses, and then it just kept on coming! Like so!

And for instance!

And SQUEEEEE!

Then it was sober, and important, and maybe some crying:

and you can watch here!

It’s weird how QAnon people never did cotton on to the fact that Jeffrey Epstein was one of Trump’s only friends, oh well.

A couple of scary things here, boo.

and

I mean, silver lining, I guess, to our most important institutions lying down to … what was that game they played for Daddy in the horrible scene that made me stop watching “Succession”? Piggy, or something? Gross.

Well that’s an awful image to end this newsletter on, let’s find one better.

First, as always, I gifted you with the GREATEST MORNING NEWS ROUNDUP on God’s green earth. It’s tabs!

Do you remember that part of Sid & Nancy where Sid yells in cockney, SEX IS BORING? Anyway, you should read that hed in cockney.

The part of this that made me POUND ALL CAPS in the chatcave was when Kilmeade said Trump might not have realized that the Germans were Nazis.

Mmmhmmm.

They interpret this differently than we do!

More American Hitler!

But how dare you call them Hitler.

Oh right, this was fucking gross. (And Hitler.)

It is that he is Hitler.

There goes the Biden administration (Lina Khan FTW), making life better for people again.

Looks like Merrick Garland Did Something.

BLAST FROM THE PAST!

See you bright and early for TABS!

Heck let’s start with our end of day! Obama and Eminem came to rap at Detroit, and Dominic was there!

Dok wrote it up, and the preceding rally in Wisconsin, even though he wasn’t!

Obama.

This has been an ad for the Wonkette Bazaar.

There was so much crazy news this morning! We got to some of it today!

And yet I still remain capable of being shocked.

Marcie had THOUGHTS!

Marcie had thoughts again!

Robyn usually takes Wednesdays off, but she saw this story last night and decided to take her day off later!

Evan came back from his long weekend just in time to yell at Aileen Cannon, a stupid woman.

Matthew Sweet will get the care he needs, but JESUS.

Oh Kamala what did you do now!

See you bright and early tomorrow for tabs!

If you haven’t been reading your tabs — AND WHY NOT??? — you might not even have seen we are having a PARTY. Guess you better click and learn more!

Who wants romantic advice from Cheryl Hines? I’m guessing all of us, Katie!

This is really crazy. The Virginia MAGA AG indicted this election official in 2022, and still hasn’t told her the charges against her. Anyway, she’s suing, as SHE SHOULD.

Here’s several terrible stories in a row, GIRD YOU!

And OH LORD.

And BLECH.

More fuckery, but at least it’s not those last three stories!

This man is a clown.

This man is a fool.

These people are disgusting.

But these people are not! (You should watch, Dok did and says they’re great!

Put on your tinfoil hats, there’s conspiracies abounding!

And there you have it for today! See you bright and early for TABS!

We begin our afternoon post roundup with our morning news roundup and the age old question,

It is just a very true question!

We went back through the first 49 chapters of our political “fiction” and put NEXT links at the end of each one, so you can read them in a sitting! (There were already links to all the previous chapters in each, but not a link to the next? And it took me a year to think to do it? Good brain, me.) Two more chapters/weeks to go!!!!

This is all fine!

RELEVANT! We bought you a drink.

A nice time!

A nice time!

Here’s a MUCH better picture of me and Michigan state Sen. Mallory McMorrow than the one Dom included, you’re welcome!

Three nice times in a row? Who am I and what have I done with Wonkette!

Oh lord we’re still going, we had 9 posts by like 1 pm. Here’s one! Not nice, BUT. It does say that of the 63,000 (THOUSAND) voters challenged in Georgia, all of 800 have been removed from the rolls. So that’s wonderful actually!

Jake Tapper got legit pissed at House Speaker Mike Johnson for just gaslighting him to his face about Arnold Palmer’s wanger.

Stupid illegal bullshit.

A FOURTH nice time??????

E Jean Carroll probably already suing to garnish it.

This at the DNC was incredibly moving. Relive it, and also sue Trump.

How many nice times is this? I can’t count that high!

Come see us bright and early tomorrow for tabs!

Trump did a bunch of stupid shit, SURPRISE.

and this

too also

too this

and lolllllll

But not everything was Trump today! Just most of it. Sorry, it’s hard to look away when he’s decomposing onscreen.

In a bookend to her policy proposals for the rurals, Kamala Harris released an agenda for helping Black men out.

Might we finally be rid of this meddlesome prick?

Judge McBurney is sick of this shit.

And this woman almost understood, when she was attacked by anti-trans people for looking too male in the bathroom. But then she didn’t :/

Finally, we gave you a real honest to god moneybeg for the first time in a while! Should you care to do a recurring donation of your choice (Substack only allows two price tiers), you can do that here! (OBVIOUSLY I sent out a newsletter replete with like FIVE VERSIONS of this button that did NOT have the recurring option I said it did. Because I’m awesome.)

Recurring donations for LOVE WONKETTE!

So if you count on Wonkette being around through thick and thin, and you are able, put your money where my mouth is. We love you!

Enemy of the People men’s and women’s Wonkette tees!

I did the tabs!

Evan introduced Kamala responding to WHAT THE FUCK.

Evan got around to WHAT THE FUCK.

That’s some smug lies bullshit right there.

FYI, Facebook’s (Instagram’s?) “Threads” isn’t allowing links about this because it’s mean to “a group of people” (legit actual Nazis).

Probably don’t even read this, honestly.

Learn some labor history from our labor historian!

Hey, are there any NICE things going on? You mean aside from Trump shitting himself all over his own personal Lawrence Welk Show? Sure!

Harris has some rural proposals like a common Elizabeth Warren!

Also it’s nice how mad Maria Bartiromo was!

And here’s whatever Evan wrote up just now for end of day!

Oh it was this, and it was good! I edited it while writing this roundup and listening to the fundraising zoom that gives the rules for the fundraising, it is INTENSE. GOLD MEDAL, ME!

Oh dang, Courtney B. Vance. Oh dang, Kamala Harris campaign!

Trump, go fuck yourself.

Love, Detroit

Robyn looked into the other crazy shit Trump said last night, would you believe he might be full of it?

Jill Stein was here too, and Dom was there!

Dangit Gretchen! DANGIT! Just kidding, it’s cool.

B. Barry Bamz wasn’t in Detroit, so probably doesn’t count.

Marcie had the greatest time watching Larry Hogan get his ass beat.

Sigh.

Bigger sigh.

Uh … yay? Allegedly?

I wrote you a morning news roundup!

And then we all had a drink!

Come visit over the weekend to see what we’ve cooked up for you? What is it? I don’t know yet!

First and most importantly, what did we need to unlearn about fake news disinformation hurricane facts today?

And some real news, so that’s always nice!

Also all the morning news that I saw fit to print!

This by Marcie was a perfect post, don’t you dare miss it!

These MOTHERFUCKERS.

Shhh, don’t tell them, let them work it out for themselves.

Is Trump “pro-worker”? That’s a real mystery.

And one more, jeez the baby just takes up all the air. BUT IT IS FUNNY. You will like it.

Oh no the Deep State Cancel Culture got this nice doctor, oh no.

And to end your day: Awww HI BAMZ HI BAMZ HIIIIII!

THANKS OBAMA :)

See you bright and early for tabs!

Okay, well I wrote tabs. Don’t say I never gave you nothin’.

Important achtung, let’s check in on this fucking monster.

When people are scared, they believe crazy shit.

Dok focused on mostly this one guy out of a whole bunch, but they are at the end of their ropes with this bullshit.

And of course!

We’re gonna get to the happy stuff in a minute, but first you have to see what the Supreme Court is up to, because it’s not good!

and

This is still not the happy stuff, BOY is it not!

And I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Okay, FINALLY FINALLY YAY! :D

and

Why I’m drinking a Miller Hi Life right now! Just kidding, I am drinking a Weihenstephaner Festbier because I’m classy and shit and you guys send me Good Beer Money.

Good Beer Money

See y’all bright and early for tabs!

Subscribe now

I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT

MEAN TO HIM!

The Christian oppression was coming from inside the house!

This is awful, and it’s also important. You’re lucky we couldn’t figure out a way to put “dying babies” in the headline.

This is … what’s the word … illegal.

Been a while since we had a good ol’ Ron DeSantis Hate Day.

Ugh, TOLDJA!

Ugh, TOLDJA!

She looks amazing all ways, obviously.

Evan did your morning news. They were good tabs!

See you bright and early for tabs!

Are you doing Amazon prime shopping? This button gives us a small commission. Thank you, come again!

Amazon button!

Afternoon, friendlies. Tons of great shit in here today, so let’s get to it!

Starting with: This should not be a one-day story. So we made Marcie write more!

In which Gary is mean to Tulsa, which never did nothing to him.

I do not know WHY the Democrats decided they’re not allowed to brag about Joe Biden’s hot shit economy, but it is a hot shit economy.

Weaponizing FOIA to fuck with the government. Damn these guys are brill-evil!

Who else is brilliant? Marjorie Taylor-Greene of course!

YAY A NICE TIME!

Dominic’s in Flint, Michigan, tonight for the Harris rally. So I bet he’ll be in our basement tomorrow!

I think I might faint!

“Being nice to trick him” seems like the kind of thing you wouldn’t admit out loud, but.

Anything we didn’t cover above was probably in tabs, our morning news roundup. By ME!

And it’s time for a drink. But not this one. This drink takes a day.

Instead I’m going to pour this Japanese sipping whiskey into this shot glass. You could buy one too! (The mug designs have been updated too, don’t believe the lying website with the Kamala 2020 still on it. Fine, I’ll fix it eventually.)

Come see us over the weekend for more!

Time for a Kamala prison tattoo! (This is a Wonkette Bazaar ad!)

Now for some hurricane updates for our friends in North Carolina and thoughout the South! The update is AIYEEEEE.

TOO SOON, WONKETTE.

Also: not soon enough!

On another topic, another threefer, in Today in Hitler!

And American Hitler’s January 6 Reichstag or whatever, still coming home to roost!

and

This isn’t Hitler, it’s just gross and weird!

And this gross, weird guy, all mad at witches! It’s like he didn’t even read yesterday’s afternoon post roundup where we reminisced about sexy witches and college!

Tabs was funny! I hope you already read it!

Frankly, Robyn, this was just uncalled for. OUR EYES.

And a final Nice to send you on your way, heart hug emoji!

See you bright and early for tabs!

It was not a disqualifying debate. It was not a disaster. Nobody crawled under their couch and shouted OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING TO DIE like I may or may not have (absolutely did) during the Biden Trump debate. We just wished Walz would slow down, stop trying to answer everything, and not get hung up on Vance’s Gish gallop.

That’s what the next day posts are for. And I’m pretty sure we hit all the necessary points!

First, last night’s debate!

(He did not stuff him in a couch. But I did like when he shouted about DEAD KIDS, because: correct. THE FUCKING KIDS ARE DEAD. STOP WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING GUNS.)

Correct, he did not fool anybody:

Pretty, pretty, pretty good!

(Also, wrote before the debate last night but RELEVANT!)

FACT-CHECK on Aisle DRUGS!

FACT-CHECK on Aisle IMMIGRANTS!

FACT-CHECK on the BALLS on them!

I almost lost my mind when he said this.

And meet Marcus. Marcus is your new hero!

In non-debate news today we had tabs! It has Callyson and Spotts’s wedding photos, you should click it!

Also this weirdo and then another weirdo, the Ben Shapiro’s sister one.

Oh man, Ben Shapiro’s sister just made me think of Shakespears Sister, and what if Ben Shapiro’s sister was cool and did something cool with her life, like SEXY WITCH STUFF. Oh man, that would be cool.

Fuck yeah. COLLEGE. Okay, see you bright and early for morning tabs!

Evan did tabs for this morning because I was off for Callyson and Spotts’s wedding in Lake Tahoe — DREAMY SIGH! — I guess you will just have to be sure to click tomorrow’s tabs to see the hot pix!

And Evan has previewed for you what we’ll be watching together tonight!

What is that 40 percent’s (I don’t think he takes 47 this time) damage? It is brain-breaking.

And this guy, what a fucking creep.

Goddammit.

Rick Santorum Wanking Dot Gif.

Ooooh SNAP and also YA BURNT.

It was against the law, what the mama saw … Ala … bamaw. That was terrible and I am sorry. But I’m not taking it back.

Thanks Robyn!

THREE CHEERS FOR THIS GOOD MAN!

Dok did you some tabs, since I took yesterday to watch nine hours of “Kids Baking Championship”! They were good tabs!

*Hanged.

Robyn had more to yell at the Teamsters’ Sean O’Brien since yesterday o.O

So there’s an election in under two months, that’s no reason not to change electoral vote requirements!

It would in fact be great!

Fuck you.

And fuck YOU? No, thank you. We’re fine.

Some crying may have been involved.

And some NOT CRYING, only fine wine and laughter!

Cocktober comes earlier every year!

And the easiest drink Hooper will ever serve you. First, open this can.

Come join us over the weekend for more news and such! Bye-bye!