Feel Good Fridays: Would You Like Nice Feet For Summer? Not Like This Gross Foot, Which We Have A Picture Of
In these trying times, it is important to make sure we take care of ourselves so that we are able to continue #RESISTING and not get burnt the fuck out. We must stay hydrated, and we must do nice things for ourselves every now and again. Thus, when several of our beloved commenters suggested that a weekly self-care column would be nice, we agreed! So here is a picture of a gross foot. You like that, yes?
A bonus to this is that while you are helping yourself feel nice, you can also help Wonkette if you purchase stuff through our Amazon links. We've had a little notice about that on the sidebar for a long time, but if you want the truth, even I didn't know about it. If I had, I would have used the link last month when I purchased this dress in literally every color available (because it is the best and most convenient dress I have ever bought in my life). Just so you know, this doesn't just apply to stuff I recommend here, but anything you buy from Amazon using our link. It's a way to help us out a teensy bit at zero cost to you, the consumer. Win-win!
So! For our first foray into the world of self-care, I thought I'd go with an all-time favorite of mine -- the wonder that is Babyfoot (Amazon, $15). Do you like having nice feet? Do you like stuf that is super-gross but in a way that is oddly satisfying? Me too! To this day I sometimes think about buying a tube of Elmer's Glue just so I can coat my hands in it and then peel it off.
And that, actually, is sort of what is going to happen here. Except instead of glue ... it is the skin on your foot. Fun! Now, the first time I ever used this shit, my feet were honestly kind of a hot mess after many years of working retail. Obviously I exfoliated, but there are just certain things a pumice stone cannot accomplish (also I don't let the pedicurist do the razor thing and neither should you unless you really want to get an infection.). But, after using it, my feet were LIKE NEW. Like, zero callouses, exactly like the foot of a baby, BRAND NEW.
So here's what you're gonna do once you get the package. You're gonna get yourself a nice glass of wine (or tea if you are sober) and set it up wherever you plan on being for this. Then, go to the bathroom and take all your toe polish off if you have any, and wash your feet. While your feet are still wet, you're going to take the gel filled booties out of the package and put them on. Usually, I'll put a pair of slippers or an old pair of UGGs on over them because it's just easier to walk that way.
Then, you hop on the couch or in bed, and put on an episode of whatever TV show you are currently binging, drink your wine and pay literally no attention to your feet, for about an hour. Then, once you're ready, you're going to hop back to the bathroom, take the booties off and wash your feet. Is that it? No, it is not. Because it actually takes about a week for this stuff to actually work. Nothing is going to happen right away.
For the next few days afterwards, you're going to soak your feet every day -- I usually do this just by taking a shower but leaving the bathtub plug in. Multitasking! Around the second or third day, you're going to think to yourself in the shower "Did I get a new bathmat?" No. you did not. It's not a new bathmat, it is literally the skin from your feet, falling off in sheets.
Not Robyn's foot
(I did mine earlier this summer so I don't have pictures, but even if I hadn't I probably would not do it anyway, because the last time I put a picture of my feet on the internet it ended up on a fetish site and not that I am kink-shaming anyone but NO THANKS! CONSENT, DUDES.)
THEN, once it is all over, usually in about a week, you will have brand new feet. So new, in fact, that they will not be 100% used to walking. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna burn a little if you walk for a long time -- so this is probably not a good idea for you if you have a job where you have to be on your feet all day. In your case, you probably kinda need your callouses. Also do not recommend heels for like a week, if you are a person who wears heels, because in that case they will actually be the "medieval torture devices designed to hobble us" that my mom always said they were.
The good thing, really, is that after you do this, your feet are totally fine for almost a year and you no longer have to be on your list of things you're totally going to get around to doing at some point.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse