Raise Less Corn, More Hell

And happy Mother's Day in a weird weird world.

Here is your presumably eighth rendition of Mi Mamacita Communista, or Things My Mother Taught Me, which I first wrote for May Day 2008, shortly before the country found its mind and elected the smart nice black guy, and started serializing I guess in 2012, when I bought this joint. Some different things have happened since then! I no longer think Stalin was hilarious, and it turns out Daniel Ortega is not that awesome of a Nicaraguan president, so that's upsetting. Some other things are even more upsetting, like pretty much all of it. Didn't see "global pandemic" coming, or at least not exactly when it did, in the middle of impeaching the criminal president. Who is Donald Trump.

This year, for the first time in my lifetime, and I am a spritely nice grandmother, we can't put on our Marching Zapatos of Occupado Justice. Isn't that a strange how do ye do? This year, protesting is for anti-vaxxers and gun nuts only — they're allies now, along with Johnny Reb! — while the rest of us focus on being okay with just losing a year, and getting through it. It happens sometimes, you lose a year; it just doesn't work out. This guy says every hundred years, the world loses a year together. We're on hold. We're in stasis. I just looked up stasis to make sure I was using it right, and yes, it's a long period of inactivity. It's also civil strife. How did the dictionary know? We'll be fine.

My sweet progressive neighbor stopped by the fence yesterday while we were doing our Mother's Day deck gardening. (Never saw "living in Montana" coming either!) I had my small daughter (didn't expect her too also!) back up a few feet from said sweet neighbor and explained lightly we are "corona-aware." Oh, I'm not, my sweet neighbor said, sweetly, and then explained that she has "heard different things," for instance am I not worried they might be making it up to use a vaccine to chip us? No, honey, they don't need to chip us, I promise. We all have cell phones! She believes in global warming; new diseases can come out of the frozen tundra at any time! It was a gentle two-minute lecture instead of a 10-minute one, to give her something to ponder instead of getting defensive and frozen in place. It's very rare in Montana still, I acknowledged, but it just takes one. I don't think she heard me at all, so now "sweet neighbor who could kill us by breathing on us at any time" is a thing I did not see coming either. Oh 2020, you sly dog, with rabies and the brain worms and some nazis sometimes.

Mi mamacita communista is still in Oklahoma, still has — unaccountably — not been burned for a witch, and had a little bit of cancer these past couple of months. Now she can shoot arrows better, Amazon-styley. She's lonely out in the country. She yells at people in the hardware store if they don't have their masks on, because none of them have their masks on. She has been prescribed a medicine that takes her estrogen away, so she is all testosterone all the time, stone cold yelling at people in hardware stores and, pace Andrew Sullivan, punching God in the face. Appreciate your estrogen is a new lesson she has taught me, still teaching me lessons 47 years later. Love your mother.

And so today is May Day! We can have — or heave! — a cocktail for the working man. We can put on Our Marching Zapatos of Ocupado Justice! We can do lots and loads of things! But me, I'm missing mi mamacita communista. She didn't die or anything, she just retired and moved back to Oklahoma, where they still (unaccountably) haven't burned her for a witch.

These are things my mother taught me.

Keep reading... Show less
Conspiracy Theories

Jacob Wohl, Jack Burkman In Phone Recordin' On A Criminal Fuc*in' Conspiracy?

Caught with their pants unzipped AGAIN.

Serial fake news trolls Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman have completely failed to create a scandal involving a perceived enemy of Donald Trump, this time with a bullshit claim of sexual assault against Dr. Anthony Fauci that was so transparently fraudulent that not even the rightwing conspiracysphere would touch it. You might think they'd learn something when not even outlets that are less reputable than Gateway Pundit would run with their fake news.

You might recall Wohl and Burkman from such previous fake scandals as their attempt to accuse Robert Mueller of rape/sexual assault; or their attempt to accuse Pete Buttigieg of sexual assault; or their hilarious claim that Elizabeth Warren kept a US Marine boy toy for kinky sexes. For that one, they didn't even put forth a supposed victim. They keep doing the same shit again and again, generating less publicity each time. In previous scamdals, the alleged "victims" have tended to vanish into thin air, if they existed at all, or to get cold feet and recant.

This time out, the only reason anyone (Reason, the libertarian organ) paid attention at all was that the "accuser" contacted a reporter to not only take back her story, but to say she had recorded Wohl and Burkman talking about the whole thing being made up. So that's kind of new, at least. Of course, the possibility remains that this is all some sort of elaborate performance art, and that even the recantation is part of the act. If nothing else, we may need to acknowledge the potential that this is some Shia Lebouf-level surrealism.

Keep reading... Show less
Right Wing Extremism

Wake Up And Smell The 'Pro-Life' Bullsh*t

They're invading abortion clinics for Jesus.

Imagine thinking — in the midst of a public health crisis precipitated by a global fucking pandemic — that actual, live-saving healthcare isn't "essential," but yelling at people on the way to their doctor's appointments is. In defiance of stay-at-home orders, protesters are still showing up at abortion providers to harass patients and staff — and with the backing of the anti-choice lobby.

Last week, the Pro-Life Action League and other anti-abortion assholes had a conference call to strategize clinic protesting during the coronavirus outbreak. And in some places, the anti-woman protesters aren't just continuing on as usual; they're amping it up. Because god forbid a day go by without yelling at women and doctors.

Anti-choice protesters INVADED A CLINIC in Louisiana last week and there was so much other shit going on that it didn't even make the news. In an email, the National Abortion Federation (NAF) recounted the event, saying:

On April 30, 2020, anti-abortion extremists invaded an abortion clinic in Louisiana even as the state extends its COVID-19 stay-at-home order. The clinic followed protocol, keeping patients and staff safe as the anti-abortion protesters refused to leave the clinic. Local police were called and those protesters still refusing to leave were placed in custody. These clinic invasions are intended to scare and patients and staff, disrupt the provision of care, and force the involvement of local law enforcement.

While these clinic invasions always present a danger, the current COVID-19 global pandemic adds an increased level of danger for patients, providers, and responding law enforcement.

Imagine being a patient at an abortion clinic. You're immunocompromised because you're pregnant. Despite this, you had to walk past protesters outside — who were not social distancing — just to get in the building. You already know that your life could be in danger from the nutjobs outside, who screamed that you were a murderer. Then, a mob of extremists, who very well could be trying to kill you, invade the clinic.

Keep reading... Show less

Federalist Writer, Minor Sorbo Have Thoughts On Abortion, Masks, And COVID-19

It works if you have no idea what you are talking about.

According to new data from the University of Pennsylvania, if the United States were to totally reopen now, 233,300 more people would die than if we continued locking down. That's a whole lot of people! According to that same model, another effect of reopening right now would be that the GDP would increase by 1.5 percent and almost all net job loss would be eliminated. Fully locking down, their model says, would result in the loss of 18.6 million jobs in May and June.

It's certainly not a great choice we're faced with right now. It's really not. It feels horrible to even be discussing this. But given the choice between losing their job and losing their life, most people would pick the former. You can always get another job, but once you're dead, you're dead and you can't really do much about that.

In these "uncertain times," there has been no shortage of ardently "pro-life" polemicists sharing their thoughts on why we should be willing to sacrifice lives in order to save the economy, no shortage of anti-choice covidiots carrying signs proclaiming "My body, my choice!" This is not to say any of them are actually willing to die to save the economy, they just see that as the kind of thing that will happen to other people.

One such person is actress Sam Sorbo, who you may have correctly guessed is the wife of Kevin Sorbo, star of "Hercules" and God's Not Dead. She was apparently also on "Hercules," but I wouldn't know as I only ever watched "Xena." On a recent episode of "Fox & Friends," Ms. Sorbo suggested that people start doing "civil disobedience" against social distancing — maybe walking up to people and coughing on them, for freedom — and attempted to apply the "My Body My Choice" rhetoric to her decision to not wear a mask.

Putting aside the fact that wearing a mask is actually not a big deal, no one is asking Sam Sorbo or anyone else to wear the mask for their own protection. If that were the case, if she were the only person whose life she risked by not wearing a mask, that would be one thing. But the reason people are being asked to wear masks is because many of the people carrying COVID-19 are asymptomatic and until we have really widespread testing, we can't know who those people are. Asymptomatic carriers can spread it to other people who could then die from it. Like Typhoid Mary.

It's not hard.

Now, some of us might say that being all "Ew, why am I supposed to care if other people die?" is not a particularly pro-life position, but it's certainly been the default one for much longer than COVID-19 has been around. However, in an op-ed in The Federalist titled "It's Hard To Take The Left's Abortion Arguments Seriously When They Betray Them For COVID-19," future "Fox & Friends" co-host Kylee Zemple argues that it is actually pro-choicers who are being the real hypocrites here — for refusing to accept the Right's arguments in favor of letting people die to save the economy.

While people in the pro-abortion camp have largely given up on trying to persuade anyone that a baby in utero is nothing more than a clump of cells — which is debunked with even a cursory look at a sonogram — they continue to justify the barbarism with half-baked notions of choice and "reproductive freedom."

Perhaps their most noble and frequent defense, though, is one of economics. We've all heard it in its various forms.

"A baby born into poverty will have a horrible life."

"You can't be pro-life if you aren't willing to adopt all the poor children."

"You don't know what it's like to be a single mom with an unplanned pregnancy and no money."

In any case, the argument boils down simply to this: Death is better than life with economic ruin

Well, first of all, it's a fetus. It's not a baby. And the sonograms and "aborted baby" pictures distributed by anti-choicers are almost never actually what they claim to be. Also no, that is not what the argument boils down to at all, for any reason. No one is claiming that. People do often cite not being able to afford having a baby as one of the main reasons they've had an abortion, but any reason is acceptable. There is no "unacceptable" reason to have a legal abortion if that is what one wants.

But let's see where she's going with this:

Now the left is tripping over its own rhetoric, arguing that we must do whatever it takes to save lives, up to and including kneecapping the entire economy and destroying the financial future of countless Americans. While not all will say it explicitly, the foolish policies of these "little tyrants" gives them away.


"No one can know a particular person's circumstances or the factors that go into their decision-making if they are not walking in her shoes," [Gretchen] Whitmer said of Michigan's Reproductive Health Act in October 2019. "But we do know that these decisions right now should be left to each individual … based on her own personal values, based on what she knows to be best for herself and for her family."

A female making the same argument now for her small business would be crushed under Whitmer's pandemic-fueled order. Any healthy, single mom in rural Michigan right now could be trying to do "what she knows to be best for herself and for her family" — go to work while practicing social distancing — but is being told she must stay home to "save lives." Where is her choice, governor? Where is her financial consideration?

So here's the thing, Kylee. There isn't a single pro-choice person out there going around arguing that anyone should be allowed to abort other people's pregnancies against their will. What you and those like you are arguing for is the right to kill other people for economic reasons. This is bad for the same reason robbing people at gunpoint and then killing them is bad. Sure! You may benefit economically, but you also murdered a person. There is a difference between doing that and having an abortion, just like there is a difference between having an abortion and letting people die horrible deaths from a contagious virus because it would be better for the economy.

Someday, when the coronavirus is old news, pro-choicers should not be surprised when the right doesn't take their bleeding-heart economic arguments seriously. When COVID-19 came knocking, the left didn't take them seriously either.

Oh please, like they took them seriously anyway.

The real issue here is that anti-choicers care more about the lives of fetuses than they do about born humans, and we care about born humans more than we care about fetuses. From our perspective, born humans have lives, thoughts, relationships and killing them would be bad. From theirs (for many of them anyway), those born humans have already had a chance to accept or not accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior and get baptized, and the sinless fetuses have not.

Oddly enough, we're all actually being ideologically consistent in this regard, with the exception of forced birth enthusiasts declaring themselves "pro-life" when they're only pro-forced birth. When they actually give a crap about some born humans, then we can talk.

[The Federalist]

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us! Also if you are buying stuff on Amazon, click this link!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc