Feminism To Blame For White House Security Breach, Obviously
Photo byGage Skidmore
The White House has had a number of security problems recently -- namely, that there doesn't seem to be much in the way of security. One could argue that maybe the Secret Service is too busy banging Colombian hookers on the job. But White House Security Expert Laura Ingraham (R-Fox News), who used to work at the White House one time with St. Ronald Reagan, so ergo expert, knows the real reason: It is because, like football, White House security is a man's game that has been feminized and wussified and political corrected, thanks A LOT, liberals.
The idea that this guy could get in, and then overpower an agent, who I guess was female -- and there are a lot of female agents that are really strong and large. I mean, you do get the sense at some point that political correctness could have been a factor here, right?
Well, no. But don't let that stop you, Laura. Go on!
Because the new female director, who's going to be questioned today, Julia Pierson, came in after that Colombia prostitute scandal with the Secret Service. She's gonna face tough questions. She was a proud career civil servant -- 30 years with the Secret Service. But you do get the sense that with this administration that all these decisions about who gets what position and where they're stationed -- political correctness comes into the decision-making, and this is no place for political correctness. The strongest, biggest, best people have to be at the front of the White House always.
Excuse us for being slightly confused -- and it is absolutely our own fault because we are A Lady and therefore stupid, as all ladies are except for the ones on Fox, of course -- but is Laura Ingraham, who is also a lady but the different kind, suggesting that "the strongest, biggest, best people" cannot be women? Did we miss the national memo that women cannot possibly be big strong badasses because vagina? Yes, we must have missed that memo. It probably got lost in the spam folder along with the other memo about how White House security breaches tie in directly with the threat of ISIS, which, sufficed to say but we shall sufficedly say it anyway, is Obama's fault because he has spent his whole presidency golfing (drink!) and going to fundraisers (double-fist drink!) instead of reading his intelligence briefings that Bin Ladin Determined To Strike in U.S. or whatever. Hahaha, those golfing jokes never ever get old.
But seriously, folks, for reals now, Laura has some solid advice for the president because she did work at the White House, writing gin-fueled speeches alongside Peggy Noonan.
You have to at least give the appearance that you’re engaged in understanding the security threats to our country. As we’ve discussed before, I think this president was never all that into foreign policy or that into military strategy. He was really most motivated by remaking America on the home front. So he’s really motivated about stuff like, you know, the War on Women and the contraceptive mandate and remaking the military, you know, diversity, global warming. He’s really into that stuff.
See, if Obama would stop worrying about the entire future of our planet and just focus on the security of our country, which is the only part of the planet that matters anyway, we would all be free and safe because of how George W. Bush already won that war for us back in the middle of Obama's first term as president. But noooooo ... Obama's like, "Maybe I can do two things at once! Maybe I can care about a thing and a second thing and maybe even a third thing and also eat a pretzel AT THE SAME TIME!" like some kind of show-off. And that is why we are all going to be beheaded and also why you should never send a security lady to do a man's job because women are THE WORST. Except for the ones on Fox. Obviously.