Figures. Obama, In Waffle Land, Calls Soccer 'Football.' INPEACH!


From theWashington Free Beacon comes this shocking revelation:

President Obama referred to the sport of soccer as “football” during a press conference in Brussels on Thursday, raising questions about his commitment to America.

For a publication usually devoted to general wingnuttery, Andrew Stiles's piece is actually a pretty good parody of wingnuttery, and for this, credit must be given. Bravo, Mr. Stiles.

Experts agree that soccer is almost indistinguishable from socialism. The sport does have some positive aspects, such as allowing American hipsters to engage in unironic expressions of patriotism. But at its core, soccer is a profoundly obnoxious enterprise.

The sport’s adherents frequently harass the general population with stories about the time they “lived” (studied abroad) in Europe and attended the “matches” (games) of their favorite “club” (team) and sang special songs as the players ran around on the “pitch” (field) in shiny “kits” (uniforms) and check out this cool scarf I got!

Hearing someone (any American, that is) refer to soccer as “football” is one of the most definitive signs that you should never be friends with that person.

Now, it should be noted that, in the video posted as "evidence" of this alleged "gaffe," Mr. Obama only mentions "football" in response to a question (not included) which obviously was phrased using that strange foreign word.

We must ask: Would our esteemed colleague at the Free Beacon seriously wish for the President to ignite an international con-traw-versy by pointedly insulting the questioner and insisting on saying "soccer" instead? Rather than condemn him for saying "football," can't you at least give the man credit for defending our homegrown sportsball innovations of baseball and baskets-ball against the braggings of British PM Cameron?

There, now we've fulfilled our part of the bargain and lamely attempted to justify the President's scandalous actions, demonstrating our blind allegiance to The One.

[Washington Free Beacon]

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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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It started with them damn hats. (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

A guest post by "Knitsy McPurlson," which we suspect is not a real name.

Yr Wonkette is not the only website run by brilliant peoples unafraid to poke people with sharp, pointy sticks. – a website for knitters, crocheters, and other folks interested in textiles and fiber arts – is poking people with knitting needles, which are very sharp indeed.

This past weekend,'s founders showed the world how easy it is to de-platform white nationalists and racists when they banned all "support of Donald Trump and his administration" from their website, concluding they "cannot provide a space that is inclusive of all and also allow support for open white supremacy." Seems like people smart enough to decode a knitting pattern are also smart enough to decode Trump's not-so-hidden message of racism and white nationalism.

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One day, God willing, my grandchildren will click open their history textbooks and read about the Central American migrant internment camps. They'll learn about sick kids, locked in cages, kept hungry and dirty and cold for weeks on end, and they'll be horrified.

"Bubbie," they'll say, "how could this happen in America? How could there be toddlers sleeping on the ground without blankets, without soap or toothbrushes to clean themselves?"

"I don't know. I wish I had done more. I'm ashamed," I'll say. We will all have to answer for this atrocity. But some of us will have to answer more than others. Not just the archvillains like Stephen Miller and John Kelly, but the people who kept right on doing their jobs, even as those jobs morphed into defending concentration camps.

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