Florida Retirement: Liveblogging the GOP Debate, Part II
The GOP candidates spent about three minutes on Iraq. Remember that place, where we sort of had those problems? Well Ron Paul is the only guy who will say what Dennis Kucinich said -- and it's completely true, of course, but you can't win an election in America by bitching about a failed war. (Ask John Kerry. Or George McGovern.) And that's why Part II of this debate is all about giving things to old people!
9:34 PM -- Thanks everybody for joining us for another sick, sad GOP debate. Part one of our liveblogging is right here, along with about 170 crazy comments.
9:34 PM -- John McCain wants you to know that all your American troops died for a good cause: Removing Donald Rumsfeld's buddy Saddam Hussein.
9:37 PM -- Mike Huckabee equates a failed hundred-billion-dollar blood-soaked war with an Easter egg hunt.
9:39 PM -- First break. Lazy old men. The Democrats went about nine hours straight during the last debate in South Carolina! But you know how old people need to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes.
9:41 PM -- Bathroom break!
9:41 PM -- We mean, Liquor Break!
9:43 PM -- Mitt is scared of China making airplanes. He's French, so he doesn't much care about Airbus.
9:44 PM -- Oh, uh, look at that. Rudy Giuliani made a "joke." He bared his rat fangs and said something weird to Mitt Romney, about how Mitt wouldn't get his China question answered. And then Rudy had to explain that he was "kidding around," because NOBODY LAUGHED, not even Romney. This is called "charm."
9:45 PM -- Also, orange-skinned MSNBC star Brian Williams warned the Paultards they'd be taken outside and tasered if they applaud Dr. Ron Paul again.
9:46 PM -- John McCain to Huckabee: "How can you support a 'Fair Tax' Sales Tax when you know it will only hurt the poor black man?"
9:47 PM -- Huckabee almost quoted Dr. Paul about the IRS, but he ended up quoting Dr. Phil.
9:48 PM -- Oh, wait, is Mike Huckabee promising to GIVE US MONEY? Go Mike Huckabee!
9:49 PM -- Huckabee is doing this whole Fair Tax thing to legitimize drug dealers and hookers. Huckabee is a libertine!
9:50 PM -- But he also equates "non Republicans" with drug dealers and whores, but at least we're all part of this grand new economy and the GOVERNMENT GIVES US MONEY.
9:51 PM -- Ron Paul has a question for John McCain, about government regulation of financial arguments. John McCain has never heard of this.
9:51 PM -- HA HA HA HA, McCain literally has no idea what Ron Paul's talking about.
9:52 PM -- And Dr. Paul just keeps repeating, "So you'd get rid of it?"
9:54 PM -- Rudy's question for Romney is about helping Florida retired people, and hurricane relief. Jeez, where does he think he is, Florida or something?
9:56 PM -- Mitt and Rudy are even boring each other.
9:57 PM -- EVERY REPUBLICAN VOTER IN FLORIDA IS ON MEDICARE THEY DON'T CARE, MITT.
10:00 PM -- Rudy's going to save our energy crisis by, uh, puttiing a man on the moon?
10:01 PM -- Vinegar Joe Lieberman, is he still kind of popular in Florida? If so, John McCain wants you to know that Lieberman is his best friend.
10:02 PM -- It's kind of tragic and funny to see the GOP presidential candidates talking about global warming and carbon caps and all that. Weren't they still denying the whole thing existed four years ago?
10:02 PM -- Commercial break! Run to the kitchen, mix up a drink. Sorry we didn't come up with a Drinking Game for tonight ... we're saving a really special drinking game for Monday night's State of the Union address.
10:06 PM -- Lightning Round: Brian Williams says Rudy has gone from a positive rating of 58% to 29% ... something like that.
10:06 PM -- Rudy puts his faith in, uh, the New York Giants.
10:07 PM -- Oh man, this may be the first time people have sort of felt bad about Rudy Giuliani and his whole failed presidential campaign. Sorry, bro! Thanks for standing around on 9/11 or whatever. LEADERSHIP.
10:07 PM -- Somebody's mom is going to hold her nose and fuck John McCain. Wait, what?
10:08 PM -- When John McCain does that tilted-head smile, it is when he is the worst liar on Earth.
10:09 PM -- Hillary's just going to slaughter this crazy old man, isn't she? Jesus. So can we all make an oath to move to Canada if any of these candidates become president, ever?
10:10 PM -- Speaking of Hillary, now Mitt Romney is asked about Bill and Hillary in the White House. Mitt is very angry about the idea that Hillary and Bill might be in the White House, because .... ah, he almost showed a bit of emotion but the COMPUTER PROGRAM HAD A GLITCH again. What's he running, Windows Vista? Windows ME? And then he immediately says the exact opposite thing, and then the opposite of that ... and then finally gives up and just says "Ronald Reagan." No applause, obviously.
10:12 PM -- Ha ha ha, how much of Mitt's own money paid for those shitty Romney ads running on Florida teevees all day long.
10:12 PM -- Romney won't answer.
10:14 PM -- And he jabbers for two minutes about how he's got so many contributors, etc., and then says he's "by far the biggest contributor to my campaign."
10:15 PM -- ROMNEY REBOOTED.
10:14 PM -- You know, this Mormon thing is silly. People have no problems with Mormons. Remember when Ken Jennings was the most famous man in America and everybody loved him because he's so smart? Hell, people liked Mitt Romney's dad. The problem is that nobody likes Mitt Romney.
10:16 PM -- Ron Paul gets a question!
10:16 PM -- Whoops, but it's a question about how he wants to shut down Social Security.
10:17 PM -- And Ron Paul sheepishly answers in his Don Knotts way, "Yeeees," he would indeed like to end Social Security. And then he jabbers a bunch of nonsense and all the old people in America are running for their guns, or at least their AARP hotline numbers.
10:18 PM -- Ben Bernanke is a great expert on the economy, as we can see with how it's going right now. And Helicopter Ben says blah blah one day there won't be money even though he just prints more all the time, like right now. Mike Huckabee doesn't even want to talk about it. Mike Huckabee is more concerned with Mitt's fifteen sons getting Mitt's money, which means Mitt needs to drop out of the race and give his hundreds of millions to his sons, instead of to Florida teevee stations.
10:22 PM -- Ouch, Rudy supposedly hates Spanish Speakers, but not in Florida! Cubans are NOT illegal immigrants in other states that are not Florida, right? So the "new behavior," as Rudy states, is to run Spanish-language ads for the Cuban Republicans in Florida while simultaneously pretending to be against immigration now.
10:24 PM -- Tim Russert: "Mayor Giuliani, why do you now hate all Latinos from all Latin American countries except for Cubans?"
10:25 PM -- Rudy: "Castro, Castro, Castro, Florida."
10:25 PM -- Chuck Norris has SPOKEN, and he says McCain is TOO OLD to be president.
10:26 PM -- So why didn't Chuck's best friend Mike Huckabee disagree with that? Because Huckabee is scared to death that Chuck Norris is going to beat the shit out of him, and then rape his dead body.
10:27 PM -- McCain's Response: "Sylvester Stallone has endorsed my campaign. I'm sending him over to take care of Chuck Norris."
10:27 PM -- Wow, so McCain is now being endorsed by the guy who repeatedly played an INSANE VIETNAM WAR VETERAN. And that's a good thing, how?
10:28 PM -- It's true the NYT has always whined about Mayor Rudy, and that Mayor Rudy did maybe help improve certain things in New York City, but Rudy's still a cunt.
10:30 PM -- Mitt Romney, why does everyone hate you?
10:30 PM -- Did Mitt get a wart on his left eyebrow (on the right of your teevee screen)? Is that why we hate him?
10:32 PM -- Ha, now that Rudy is a fourth-place loser, McCain would like us all to know that Rudy's a swell guy.
10:33 PM -- Jesus give Huckabee a "solid core." And then Huckabee gives a nice tap right there in the lower intestine.
10:33 PM -- Will Ron Paul launch a third-party paultard run? Dr. Congressman says he has "no intention of going into another party," and says he was elected 10 times as a Republican, and then says, "I wish they [GOP] would worry about it, just in case." And of course Paul ran as the libertarian for president in 1988, and OH MY GOD HE JUST THREATENED IN PUBLIC TO DO A THIRD PARTY RUN OH MY CHRIST OH NO.
10:35 PM -- Well, looks like Wonkette has a third-party convention to attend this summer.
10:36 PM -- Dr. Paul gets the last word! The Ron Paul Fans rejoice! It's over! Drink your entire drink in one sip right now and run screaming to the kitchen!