Food That Will Harden Your Arteries and Make You Powerful


So much for eating your veggies and growing a garden and doing jumping jacks until you're skin and bones. If we've learned anything this year, it's that the only way to get ahead in politics is to get really fat -- that or have cancer and exploit yourself. And DC is just the place to do both: The city may be full of organic, hormone-free, kid tested, mother approved restaurants, but that doesn't mean you can't also get a fatty, unhealthy meal here, too. As for cancer, well, just keep drinking the lovely tap water.

Eating at any of the following locations will put you well on your way to running the free world:

  • Commonwealth: You can eat and drink your way to a very round tummy at this British Gastropub courtesy of their all night happy hour on Tuesdays, half-priced burgers on Wednesdays, and their fried oysters, which are delicious and fatty and available every night of the week.
  • Florida Avenue Grill: The food at this diner is served swimming in butter. Success! Go for the grits or the hotcakes and eggs as either will clog your arteries and put you in perfect condition to be the next general of the US army. Another diner option is Ted's Bulletin, in Barracks Row. There you can indulge in sugar infested pop tarts, and such fattening items as beer biscuits and gravy, and a peanut butter, chocolate and banana shake.
  • Dangerously Delicious Pies: Eating one of their pies, be it Apple, Pork BBQ or Bacon, Onion and Gruyere, after a long night of drinking on H Street, is a sure-fire way to put some meat on your bones. Not to mention, they are that delicious.
  • Pasta Mia: Italian food doesn't necessarily have to be bad for you, but it's the quantities in which it's served at this Italian restaurant in Adams Morgan -- where sharing is not allowed -- that will facilitate your heart attack and subsequent ascendancy to power.
  • Patty Boom Boom: This Caribbean dance parlor on U Street plays awesome music, especially on Tuesday nights, and it also serves fried, hearty, supremely unhealthy patties. Patties are basically turnovers stuffed with your choice of beef, chicken, vegetables, or one of many goat varieties (jerk goat, guava goat). Follow it up with one, two or a dozen Red Stripes and a fat belly you will have!

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