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For His Next Trick, Glenn Beck Will Pull Mapplethorpe's Bullwhip Out Of His Butt

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mr. potatohead and his blackboard of doom make artBack in 1987, before many of you young Wonkettarians were born (but not yr Wonkette, because we are ageless, like the sea) there was a kerfluffle over the National Endowment for the Arts and how it funded things that gave Lynne Cheney and some other old-school wingnuts a sad. Your grandpa was probably most upset by Andres Serrano's Piss Christ, which is...well, exactly what it sounds like. A crucifix submurged in Mr. Serrano's urine. (We have always taken Mr. Serrano at his word that it was indeed his urine). Yr Wonkette, and most sane people, had entirely forgotten about this whole debacle, but Fox News is still SO MAD and wants the White House to yell at Serrano, or a museum for displaying the piece again, or all of New York, or something. Glenn Beck isn't just getting mad, however. Glenn Beck is using his sad internet teevee show to  get even:


The media giant is reacting to controversy over a painting of President Obama resembling Jesus Christ on a crucifix by putting a bobblehead doll of President Obama into a container of what appeared to be urine.

“I like to call this ‘Flobama,’” Beck said with a false French accent, as he played the role of a freedom-loving artist expressing himself on his television program Tuesday evening.

 He titled his artwork, “Obama in Pee Pee” and put a price tag of $25,000 on it. Ebay has since pulled the item, despite the proceeds slated for charity.

“I have been working on a masterpiece. I have been working on something for quite a while,” Beck clowned. “When I say quite a while, I mean all day, small little doses all day. I drank a lot of water when I did this.”

Man, eBay is always trying to keep Glenn Beck down!

Damn, but that Glenn Beck is CLEVER. He sure showed us! In fact, we are in a rage! All of us! Every librul on the planet is mad mad mad. And, by "every librul" we mean "a few random anonymous people on twitter." Listen, we don't get it either. There's no good reason that Fox or Beck or anyone should still be yelling at clouds over some nominally shocking art from 25 years ago.  And Beck didn't even have the decency to be for-real shocking and go all GG Allin and use his own urine or Mr. Serrano's urine or anyone else's urine. Beck appears to have used Dos Equis Beer. Yr Wonkette would seriously consider drinking a mason jar of bobblehead-filled urine or going on a date with GG Allin before downing 32 ounces of Dos Equis.  

This fixation is just weird. To be fair, it isn't, say, Andrew Shirvell stalker level of weird. Not even  "I Will Always Love You" or "Every Breath You Take" level of creepy. Just more like that sad guy you went out with once in college and you heard a Gin Blossoms song on the radio and then he made you like ten mixtapes with "Hey Jealousy" on it until you graduated. Expect to have to care about this issue again in 2027 or so, kids.

[WND/The Blaze]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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