July 01, 2008 04:28 PM
Foreclosed Country of Violent Dope-Addict Fatsos Also On Fire (Or Under Water)
It's summertime and the living is terrible.
Would you enjoy a Top Ten List of all the apocalyptic current events proving this is the End of America and probably The World? We thought you'd like that, you elitist doom-porn scumsacks.
- 1. Fewer than 10 percent of high school seniors are fit, tests show: Sure, this is in Texas where even the rich are morbidly obese tubs of crap, but imagine a high school where less than one in ten kids isn't a fat piece of trash. Welcome to the New America. The service workers employed at your rat-infested rest home in the near future will all be 1,000-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos. [Houston Chronicle]
- 2. A 200-person melee at a Fort Myers gas station early Monday morning started over a pack of cigarettes: A stolen pack of cigarettes, of course. The mob violence began at, of course, a teen club and then spilled over to the "Racetrac gas station." [News-Press]
- 3. US leads world in substance abuse: Half of Americans are baffled stoners, while one in five is a paranoid cocaine fiend. Good thing we've got the strictest dope laws! [Reuters]
- 4. West Virginia Man Gets Two Bionic Arms After Fireworks Mishap: Welcome to the real future, where hillbillies who blow their arms off with firecrackers are rewarded with superhuman cyborg replacement limbs. [MSNBC]
- 5. Hospital Staff Ignores Woman's Death in Waiting Room: Th-that's n-not ch-change we can believe in. [AP/Yahoo]
- 6. Schwarzenegger deploys National Guard to fight California fires: More than 1,000 wildfires are roasting California. The biggest ones aren't even contained, and more than 660 square miles have already burned -- that's just six square miles shy of the Satanic Jackpot. [AFP]
- 7. Pit-bulls maul 90-year-old S.I. man: Now the monstrous creatures of the drug-addict underclass are roaming Staten Island and eating old people. [NY Daily News]
- 8. Millions of vacant tract homes becoming hobo/rave camps: "From Atlanta's urban core to leafy neighborhoods filled with chirping crickets in Charlotte, N.C., some 2.2 million homes are expected to go through foreclosure -- and stand empty -- by the time the mortgage meltdown ends, according to Global Insight, an economic research firm. As the housing dominoes fall far from Wall Street, growing urban 'ghost towns' of vacant houses are resulting in a costly crush of weeds, trash, and dereliction on a scale unseen in American cities since the Great Depression, economists say." [Christian Science Monitor]
- 9. Midwest Floods: The submersion of the American Midwest is an early sign of the Earth melting, a tragic example of America's decrepit infrastructure, and the beginning of eternal famine. [Reuters/Bloomberg]
- 10. Actress Angelina Jolie has been admitted to hospital in France for the impending birth of her twins: And as soon as these creatures are loosed from the She Devil's womb, the End Times are upon us. The twins' names are Alpha and Omega, Romulus and Remus, Sid and Nancy, Jenna and Barbara. They are legion. We are finished. [Telegraph]