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Russia

The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him

WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP.

Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

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White House

DNI Trump Fired Over Russia Briefing ALSO Ukraine Crime Spree Witness, How Coincidence!

Who could have seen this coming!

Congratulations, Joe Maguire, you just played yourself!

The story about Trump flipping out and firing his acting director of national intelligence, Joseph Maguire, because the intelligence community reached the blindingly obvious conclusion that Russia is trying to get him elected AGAIN, is fucked up six ways from Sunday. But let's not lose sight of the fact that just five months ago Maguire threw his body on the whistleblower hand grenade in a desperate effort to save the president from himself. And yesterday, for his troubles, he got tossed out like garbage.

THAT TRAIN IS NEVER LATE. And also, AS YE SOW, SO SHALL YE REAP. Plus a whole bunch of other aphorisms, probably.

Let's rewind the tape, shall we?

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Trump

European Remake Of 'Showgirls' Starring Mike Pompeo And Mick Mulvaney Somehow Worse Than Original

NOOOOO! Put it all back on!

Donald Trump makes everybody get naked. Not literally, praise the Lord! But his bottomless corruption and utter lack of principles force everyone around him to strip down and let the whole world see who they really are. This week's European field trips by Mike Pompeo and Mick Mulvaney, two former Republican congressmen who were strong on defense and loathed deficits in a previous lifetime, are a perfect example.

Secretary of State Pompeo met with a bipartisan delegation of American congresspeople on the sidelines of the Munich Security Conference this past weekend, the Washington Post reports. When pressed by Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI) and Rep. Tom Malinowski (D-NJ) about low morale and declining staff at the Foreign Service, Pompeo just got angry and lied. As is his habit!

"That's absolutely wrong. It's not true," he snapped, insisting that morale is high and never before have there been more members of the Foreign Service than right now, after Donald Trump's allies waged a successful public campaign to smear and remove our ambassador to Ukraine, and the secretary of State did fuck all to stick up for her.

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White House

John Bolton Invited To Kick Self In Dick At Earliest Convenience

What, are you not enjoying John Bolton's striptease? And don't you feel SORRY for him?

Stop the presses, everyone, John Bolton is finally talking. Or shall we say, he is teasing. He's styled his mustache with some Bed Head hair gel he found at the Walgreens, he's wearing a sexxxy naughty cat costume he found at the Party City, and he's showing just the tiniest bit of nip. Now you see it, now you don't!

Bolton, who didn't see it as his constitutional duty to testify before the House or the Senate in the impeachment inquiry or trial, and whose book is now being held up — obviously improperly! — by the White House acting on allegations that Bolton is too much of an idiot to write a book without including a bunch of classified intel, is nonetheless talking.

And he wants to tell you what he knows, it's just ... can you keep a secret??? No, John Bolton couldn't possibly. John Bolton must now slip his nips back inside his sexxxy naughty cat costume, because our relationship just isn't ready for it.

In an event at Duke on Monday night, Bolton said Trump is full of shit on Ukraine, but "I can't talk about it." He said all the stuff that factored into Donald Trump's impeachment were just "sprinkles on the ice cream sundae" compared to all the bad shit he wrote about ... but he can't talk about it.

Asked whether he agreed with the president's assessment that Trump's July call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was "perfect," Bolton said "You'll love Chapter 14."

But you can't read Chapter 14. Chapter 14 is "classified." Chapter 14 is a victim of the "censorship." Chapter 14 is John Bolton's nipple, and you can't see it right now.

:(

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Science

Maybe Trump's Budget Cuts Will Force Lazy Coronavirus Patients To Get Well

Pull yourself out of that hospital bed by your bootstraps.

Among the other terrible ideas in Donald Trump's proposed federal budget, the Great Man wants to slash budgets for the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health, as well as for international health programs, because it's simply not America's job to keep you from getting sick, especially if you aren't even America. The administration has to pretend it's paying for those giant tax cuts, after all, and so it's proposing some belt-tightening, even as the new coronavirus, now officially called COVID-19, continues to spread. But don't worry! Administration flacks are happy to point out that as the Great Man slashes disease prevention and research budgets by billions of dollars, the White House does at least want to spend a few million bucks to react to new health emergencies, so that's something, at least. (No it isn't.)

The real good news is that there is pretty much zero chance that Democrats in the House will agree to the massive spending cuts, meaning we're likely to have another year of continuing resolutions to maintain funding at current levels, with maybe the occasional government shutdown threat if Trump decides that would be a good idea in an election year. So half a cheer for incompetence!

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Ukraine

Marie Yovanovitch Will Stick Her Sensible Wedge Pump Right Up Mike Pompeo's Craven A**

But diplomatically!

BREAKING: Mike Pompeo is a rancid garbage person! Must credit Wonkette!

Just kidding. But the news cycle has once again forced the secretary of State into comparison with former Ukrainian ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and the juxtaposition only highlights what a craven, self-serving little pissant we have at the helm of our nation's foreign policy apparatus.

Here's Ambassador Yovanovitch receiving the Trainor Award for distinguished diplomatic service yesterday at Georgetown University.

Reflecting on the past year, she joked about Trump's PERFECT PERFECT PHONE CALL with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, saying,"When you go through some things, to fall back on cliches, you have to dig deep."

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Ukraine

No Impeachment, No Problem! Bolton's Got Leaks FOREVER

Stay mad!

Lamar Alexander may be done with this Ukraine scandal, but John Bolton is definitely not finished yet. The New York Times just dropped the latest leaks from his book, in time to highlight what an absolute shitshow sham this entire impeachment has been. Particularly since multiple members of Trump's legal defense team appear to have been in on the Ukraine shakedown scheme.

More than two months before he asked Ukraine's president to investigate his political opponents, President Trump directed John R. Bolton, then his national security adviser, to help with his pressure campaign to extract damaging information on Democrats from Ukrainian officials, according to an unpublished manuscript by Mr. Bolton.

Mr. Trump gave the instruction, Mr. Bolton wrote, during an Oval Office conversation in early May that included the acting White House chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, the president's personal lawyer Rudolph W. Giuliani and the White House counsel, Pat A. Cipollone, who is now leading the president's impeachment defense.

Goodbye executive and attorney-client privilege, since this conversation included lawyers for the executive branch, who don't represent the president personally, and Rudy Giuliani, who is not a member of the executive branch. And hello Pat Cipollone, Mick Mulvaney, and Pat's deputy henchman Mike Purpura! Looks like you boys got a little dogshit on your shoes. Although, to be honest, we all smelled it already. Jay Sekulow's been rolling around in this Ukraine mess from the jump, but we knew the overpowering reek of corruption had to be coming off more than one of y'all.

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foreign policy

Kushner Warns Palestinian Leaders Not To Make Him Read A 26th Book About This Crap

Trump's dumb son-in-law tanks Middle East deal by existing.

Donald Trump assigned his son-in-law Jared Kushner -- the nearest Jewish person available -- the small task of brokering peace in the Middle East. He didn't even ask him to change a light bulb first as a basic skills test. The president unveiled Kushner's brainchild at the White House Tuesday with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. No Palestinian officials were present to hear the details of the deal that would give Israel most of what it wants and Palestinians the lease to own a well-maintained 1982 Buick Century.

Palestinians broke off direct talks with Kushner in 2017 after Trump moved the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. They also realized they were talking to Jared Kushner, which didn't help matters. Kushner is keeping the lines of communication open, however. He went on CNN and Fox News this week to discuss how much Palestinian leaders suck. It was similar to the "motivational speech" Alec Baldwin gives in Glengarry Glen Ross.

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foreign policy

John Bolton, Bill Barr Just *Hate* All Those Favors Trump Does For Dictators!

And one of them might say so out loud!

The Bolton details just keep on coming. Last night, The New York Times reported that the former national security adviser and the nation's top prosecutor both agreed that Donald Trump was improperly using Justice Department criminal investigations as negotiating chips with foreign leaders, promising to interfere in prosecutions as a gift to whichever despot he was crushing on at the moment.

John R. Bolton, the former national security adviser, privately told Attorney General William P. Barr last year that he had concerns that President Trump was effectively granting personal favors to the autocratic leaders of Turkey and China, according to an unpublished manuscript by Mr. Bolton.

Mr. Barr responded by pointing to a pair of Justice Department investigations of companies in those countries and said he was worried that Mr. Trump had created the appearance that he had undue influence over what would typically be independent inquiries, according to the manuscript. Backing up his point, Mr. Barr mentioned conversations Mr. Trump had with the leaders, President Recep Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey and President Xi Jinping of China.

While this latest revelation isn't directly related to the Ukraine shakedown scheme, it's of a piece with Trump's view of law enforcement as just one more political tool a country's leader wields in his own interests. Much like the $391 million of congressionally allocated defense aid which Bolton says Trump withheld to force Ukraine to announce a prosecutorial inquiry into Trump's political opponent Joe Biden.

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Ukraine

Lev Parnas And His Badass Weed Lawyer Dropping Fire Mixtapes Like POW!

Okay people, we're going INTO THE WEEDS!

The newest chucklefuck mixtape has dropped, and it is FIRE! Recorded live at an April 30, 2018, event for donors to Trump's America First Action PAC by Igor Fruman, the "Silent Bob" of the Chucklefuck Gang, this tape's got everything. There are donors proposing legislation to benefit their own businesses that was shortly thereafter championed by House Republicans. There's a whole lot of golf talk, including speculation about Kim Jong Un's mean game. But it's Donald Trump's order to fire ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch that's getting the most airtime.

PARNAS: The biggest problem there, where we need to start is, we gotta get rid of the ambassador. She's still left over from the Clinton administration.

TRUMP: Who, the ambassador to Ukraine?

PARNAS: And she's basically walking around telling everybody wait, he's going to get impeached, just wait. It's incredible.

[Laughter]

UNKNOWN: She'll be gone tomorrow.

PARNAS: What's her name?

FRUMAN: I don't remember.

(Probably White House advisor Johnny) DeSTEFANO: So one of the things that will be now that we have a secretary of state that's been confirmed--

TRUMP: Get rid of her! Get her out tomorrow. I don't care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. Okay? Do it.

Because it's totally normal for the president of the United States to fire career civil servants based on the unsubstantiated, self-serving allegations of some dipshit at a PAC dinner, right? Particularly when that dipshit admits that he's got a financial stake in the very change he's advocating.

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Journamalism

Egad, Mike Pompeo LIED About NPR Reporter?

Lying shitsack lies, is shitsack.

After he had a hissy fit and yelled the fuck-word at NPR reporter Mary Louise Kelly Friday, because she asked him questions about Ukraine, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo issued a bullshit statement claiming Kelly had lied to him twice, and also that she was dumb and stupid and an unhinged Trump-hater made of pure evil. To the surprise of nobody, the Washington Post yesterday published emails between Kelly and Pompeo's press aide which show Pompeo was the actual liar. Imagine that!

Pompeo was very very upset, because after he'd avoided giving any clear answers on how the administration would "stop" Iran from getting a nuclear weapon, Kelly then asked him questions about his failure to support then-US Ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovich, and he had to avoid answering those questions, too.

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News

Tom Cotton, Jim Lankford Pull Sunday Lying Duty

It's your Sunday show rundown!

We begin today's Sunday show roundup with Republican Senator James Lankford of Oklahoma. Making appearances on both CNN's "State of The Union" and ABC's "This Week," Lankford did his best to be a one-man version of the "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil" monkey.

On CNN, Lankford pretended to be offended that Adam Schiff referred to a report that Trump had threatened senators if they didn't stand with him while simultaneously "seeing no evil" by ignoring Trump's C-level gangster threats towards Schiff when pointed out to him. (We covered it here.) On ABC, Lankford decided to go with "hear no evil" as he told George Stephanopoulos why we shouldn't see new witnesses -- like saying that the House "rushed" impeachment by not waiting on courts to decide subpoenas. Stephanopoulos wasn't having it.

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Trump impeachment hearings

John Bolton Is Back To F*ck Sh*t Up!

Don't mess with Mustache Man.

John Bolton is going to burn down the Trump administration ... eventually. The question is whether he's going to do it on the witness stand when it actually matters, or just save it all for his stupid book. Because he's got the goods on everybody in that White House, including Bill Barr, Mike Pompeo, Mick Mulvaney, and Rudy Giuliani. And, as The New York Times reported last night, he's got Donald Trump by the short and curlies:

President Trump told his national security adviser in August that he wanted to continue freezing $391 million in security assistance to Ukraine until officials there helped with investigations into Democrats including the Bidens, according to an unpublished manuscript by the former adviser, John R. Bolton.

How you livin', Mitch McConnell? Looks like that warmongering bastard just raised the stakes on that vote to sweep this whole impeachment under the rug without witnesses. Because he's got firsthand knowledge of Donald Trump personally saying YES, QUID PRO QUO, no defense aid for Ukraine until they throw dirt on Joe Biden, and he's made it clear that he'll be telling his story sooner rather than later.

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foreign policy

Bill Barr Gets Caught With His D*ck In Rudy's Cookie Jar ... Again.

Weird how these guys wind up in the same room all the time!

But enough about Ukraine, let's talk about Venezuela. Particularly about Rudy Giuliani and Bill Barr and whatever hinky shit the two of them were cooking up when Rudy went down to the Justice Department last September to ask the DOJ to prettyplease not indict his Venezuelan client Alejandro Betancourt López as part of a massive money laundering case in Florida.

Betancourt had generously hosted Giuliani and his henchman Lev Parnas at his estate in Madrid where they traveled to meet with Ukrainian President Zelenskyy's aide Andrey Yermak last August during their peregrinations across Europe in search of dirt on Joe Biden. The next month, Giuliani returned the favor by using his contacts at the Justice Department to score a face-to-face with Brian Benczkowski, head of the criminal division, to plead Betancourt's case. Which is a nice perk you get when you hire the president's personal lawyer and subsidize his backchannel ratfucking for the president!

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Impeachment

Latest Parnas Doc Dump Wants To Know: How You Livin' Devin Nunes?

And a whole lot more from your favorite chucklefuck!

Time for the latest dispatches from chucklefuck Lev Parnas's phone on the Trumpland conspiracy to frame Joe Biden. The newest doc dump from the House Intel and Judiciary Committees contains three different PDFs, plus a voicemail. The first comprises messages between Parnas and Devin Nunes's aide Derek Harvey, the second pertains to surveillance of our ambassador in Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, and the third is just photos of Lev Parnas, who takes more selfies than Kim Kardashian, documenting his position at the center of Trumpworld. Let's get at it.

Devin Nunes, Moo Got Some Splainin' to Do!

Friday night we got a peek at Lev's messages with Derek Harvey, Devin Nunes's top Intel staffer, and -- SURPRISE -- they back up Parnas's allegation that the congressman was up to his udders in the Biden smear. Parnas served as a conduit between Nunes and corrupt Ukrainian prosecutors willing to say more or less anything for a price, including Viktor Shokin and Yuriy Lutsenko.

As Parnas told Rachel Maddow last week, "Derek Harvey had several interviews, Skype interviews I set up, with different prosecutors like [Nazar] Kholodnytsky, which is the anti-corruption prosecutor of Ukraine, Konstantyn Kulyk, one of the major guys that's had this whole Biden stuff."

At the same time, Harvey was pumping Parnas for dirt on the Clinton Foundation. Because it will always and forever be 2016.

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