DON'T PANIC! Cause It Won't Help Anyway.

Thanks, Putin!

Today would be a good day to buy the dip, right, Eric?

Only, not right now, because, as we are typing this, trading in the New York Stock Exchange was shut down for 15 minutes after the S&P 500 dropped seven percent in the first four minutes of trading, triggering the automatic shut off provision. Whoopsie! This is the first time that's happened since December 2008, at the height of the financial crisis. You remember the pile of shit that George W. Bush and his idiotic tax cuts left for a Democratic president to clean up? Because history may not repeat itself, but it sure as hell does rhyme.

The proximate cause of this morning's chaos is partly coronavirus, of course, and partly a little love note from our pal Vladimir Putin, who just deliberately crashed the world oil market to fuck American shale producers. Let's oilsplain!

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India Loves Trump For Some Reason, Is Welcome To Keep Him If It Wants

A Passage To Idiocy.

On his trip to India, Donald Trump did the two things he loves the most about being president: appearing before crowds of people who love him the most, and hugging, literally, a fellow elected authoritarian leader bent on turning his multicultural democracy into a sectarian ethnostate. Trump was greeted warmly by Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and treated to a rally in the largest cricket stadium in the world, with about 100,000 people in attendance.

Monday, the two Great Men traveled to visit an ashram where Indian independence leader Mohandas Gandhi once lived, and the Washington Post points out that while tens of thousands of Modi supporters lined the roads, the rally and following events fell a tad short of what the American strongman had predicted: "Trump had boasted at a rally in Colorado that 10 million people would greet him upon his arrival."

Then Trump and Melon went to the Taj Mahal to do the mandatory walk around while oohing and ahhing at the 17th century mausoleum. Trump said the building was "Incredible, truly incredible," and managed to refrain from speculating how much money the place could bring in a night if renovated as a hotel. It is not known whether Trump was informed the Taj is often considered a monument to the Mughal emperor Shah Jahan's undying love for his wife, Mumtaz Mahal -- we'll assume not, given that Trump didn't make a joke about how weird it was the guy would build such a big monument. Trump just doesn't seem to think spouses even like each other that much.

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White House

White House Purges All Deep State Imperialist Running Dogs It Inexplicably Hired

Excellent vetting!

PUUUUUURGE! The Trump administration is going on a firing spree to get rid of those dirty "professionals," who do their job but lack sufficient loyalty to the Dear Leader. Axios reports that Ginni Thomas, AKA Mrs. Justice Clarence Thomas, has been meeting with conservative activists who call themselves Groundswell to compile a hit list of political appointees to get the axe.

We're not talking about civil service employees, here, since they have at least some legal protections. No, these are people hired by the Trump administration, who are now getting whacked for being secret Deep State counter-revolutionaries. Or something.

Since Trump's Senate acquittal, aides say the president has crossed a psychological line regarding what he calls the "Deep State." He feels his government — from Justice to State to Defense to Homeland Security — is filled with "snakes." He wants them fired and replaced ASAP.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. But you should probably see a neurologist STAT.

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The Top 768,796 Reasons Putin Wants Trump Re-Elected, For GOP Rep. Chris Stewart And Idiots Like Him


Yesterday we learned about the Russia briefing to the House Intelligence Committee that pissed off Donald Trump so much he fired his director of national intelligence, because the ODNI briefer told Congress the obvious truth that Russia is trying to get Trump re-elected. In that briefing, butthole-mouthed GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah was reportedly highly skeptical that Vladimir Putin would even want Trump re-elected, because Stewart is apparently high on his own sauce and truly believes the lies he tells himself about how Trump has been tougher on Putin than anybody else.

According to the New York Times,

Mr. Stewart insisted that the president had aggressively confronted Moscow, providing anti-tank weapons to Ukraine for its war against Russia-backed separatists and strengthening the NATO alliance with new resources, according to two people briefed on the meeting.

Mr. Stewart declined to discuss the briefing but said that Moscow had no reason to support Mr. Trump. He pointed to the president's work to confront Iran, a Russian ally, and encourage European energy independence from Moscow. "I'd challenge anyone to give me a real-world argument where Putin would rather have President Trump and not Bernie Sanders," Mr. Stewart said in an interview, referring to the nominal Democratic primary race front-runner.

This is the guy who was reportedly one of Trump's top choices for permanent director of national intelligence, but apparently isn't anymore because somebody showed Trump a mean quote Stewart said in 2016 where he called Trump "Mussolini" and Trump doesn't like him anymore. (Funny how much these Republicans have changed! Wonder why.)

Regardless, that sound you hear right now is Wonkette and every other patriotic and informed American endlessly screaming and banging our heads against the wall and wondering how Stewart and his fellow Trump-humping Republicans manage to put on pants in the morning without injuring themselves.

Why would Putin want Trump? Dunno, Congressman, why did Putin want Trump in the first fucking place? Because the reasons back then are the same as the reasons now, except for how how Putin also had a personal vendetta against Hillary Clinton in 2016. But oh boy, there were a thousand reasons Putin preferred to have his puppet Donald Trump in the American presidency then, and there are a million more now!

Instead of endlessly screaming, Wonkette chooses to be helpful to Chris Stewart and anybody else who is as dumb as he is and answer his question. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, DUMBASS.

Here is a long but not remotely exhaustive listicle! CLIP AND SHARE whenever someone is BEING AN IDIOT.

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