Fox & Friends Terrified Of Lady On $20 Bill. What's Next, CATS?
That should satisfy everyone
[wonkbar]a href="http://wonkette.com/588815/feminists-murder-patriarchy-again-for-ten-dollar-bill"[/wonkbar]Thank goodness we have Fox & Friends to let us know what our cultural anxieties should be. We already knew that it was very important to fret that those crazy feminists were going to murder the patriarchy by putting a lady on the $10 bill, but now the voices of reason and sanity have TWO things to be upset about: Not only has the Treasury Department announced that a lady face will be going on our money sometime soon, but even worse, they've decided to deport Andrew Jackson from the $20 and keep Alexander Hamilton on the $10, all because elitists have decided they like that hippety-hop gangter musical Hamilton. It was all too much for the Friends On Fox:
Heather Nauert, the leggy blonde newsreader lady who isn't one of the other leggy blondes on the couch between the two dorks, seemed aghast at the very idea:
And it is official now. The $20 bill will soon have a new face. The Treasury Department expected to announce this week that Andrew Jackson will be replaced by a woman, though it's still unclear which lady from history will get that honor. Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, top contenders. Alexander Hamilton will stay on the $10 bill thanks in part to the popularity -- really? -- of the Broadway play Hamilton.
A brief clip of the decidedly ahistorical musical, featuring negroes dancing around in Colonial dress as if they had founded America, was briefly shown, so as to make clear that madness has descended on the world. The thoughtful dialogue continued:
Nauert: Well, don't expect the changes right away. A new $20 bill won't be issued until at least 2030. It takes a lot of years to develop new security features. What do you think about that? Take him off and putting somebody else on now?
Brian Kilmeade: Why don't we just create another bill for a woman? Create like a --
Nauert: Like a $2 bill. No, a $4 bill.
Ainsley Earhardt, couch blonde: No, more than that.
Kilmeade: Make it a $25 or something because Andrew Jackson at 13 was a courier in the Revolutionary War.
Kilmeade: He was a congressman, a senator. Certainly one of the best generals we ever had.
Oh, yes, and a president. Don't forget his wonderful accomplishments as President, like the Trail of Tears, which as we know from our eighth-grade Christian textbooks, helped bring many of the Cherokee to Jesus, at least those who survived:
Christian missionaries accompanied the Indians on their long journey to Oklahoma, called the “Trail of Tears.” Many Cherokees were so discouraged that they were ready to lie down and die. The missionaries restored their spirits by preaching, baptizing new converts, allowing for rest on Sundays, and meeting many physical needs. God used the ”Trail of Tears” to bring many Indians to Christ.(emphasis in original)
Steve Doocy, perhaps eager to keep the focus contemporary (or cut off Kilmeade before he explained what a nifty thing the Indian Exclusion Act was), had to jump in with thoughts on liberals and their faggy dancing show:
Doocy: You know, well here's the thing that really got me about what she just said is they're going to keep Hamilton on because of a Broadway show.
Nauert: That's crazy.
Doocy: If that is the standard, next thing you know, folks, we're going to have cats on money.
[wonkbar]a href="http://wonkette.com/594023/republicans-rank-hottest-chicks-in-america-on-a-scale-of-zero-to-ben-carsons-mom"[/wonkbar]The sad thing? That joke was clearly planned out, since the audio crew tossed in a couple of quick recorded "meows." Get it? Cats was a musical! Steve Doocy, you are so freaking topical! Before you know it, those wackos in the government will probably start putting Elvis on a postage stamp! Or Ben Carson's mom.
Kilmeade wasn't finished advocating for Andrew Jackson, and manliness in general:
Kilmeade: You know, HBO has got an Andrew Jackson movie out. So I'm sure that will change sentiment again.
Earhardt: How do you feel about that? Email us.
Doocy: Yeah, and what woman should be on the next bill that they change? Let us know.
Kilmeade: And should we leave men alone?
Earhardt: Should we have more women?
Doocy: I'm pro-woman.
Kilmeade: Right, create a new bill.
And if it's gonna have a woman on it, may as well make the money pink while we're at it.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.