Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute
Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for gun manufacturers. Or maybe we just need a rational explanation for this insane clip of Greg Gutfeld and Kimberly Guilfoyle shrieking in terror over a supposed plague of Muslim terrorists with Western passports like ether-addled monkeys in a product-testing lab. The amounts of side-eye these two must shoot at every falafel cart vendor in New York could probably run the city’s power grid for a hundred years, or until the caliphate is established, whichever comes first.
The take-off here is a recent suggestion by London mayor Boris Johnson that any Britons travelling to Syria or Iraq automatically be tagged as terrorists and stripped of their citizenship, lest they return to Her Majesty’s domain and start blowing it up. (Reports that Johnson was inspired by the most recent season of 24 could not be confirmed.) This has turned the weird-haired mayor into a fetish object for Gutfeld, who rants:
Why is he freaking out? Because smart people should freak out … Western leaders cowered before Muslim extremism, fearing accusations of intolerance … It’s time to dispense with political correctness and get over being nice. Nice equals death.
Greg Gutfeld must be a huge hit at parties.
After this screed and some shit-talking of Obama (“If our president isn’t up to it, find someone who is”), Gutfeld turns to Guilfoyle, an actual lawyer, for an opinion on the legal niceties of Johnson’s idea, asking if we “can we actually do this without violating their so-called civil liberties?” Guilfoyle responds:
Guess what? I don’t care, and in fact I hope we violate a lot of their civil liberties. This is war, this is terror, there should be no mercy involved because they have shown none. That is the only language they should understand.
Ho ho, apparently Kimberly Guilfoyle was sick the day they taught law in her law school at (checks Wikipedia) the University of San Francisco? Wow, we were expecting Regents or Ave Maria or something. Maybe she was busy admiring the beautiful Bay Area views, or classes interfered with her daily Botox injections or something.
Guilfoyle goes on to hope that the people around President Obama are pushing him to make the “right” decision to bomb the shit out of ISIS, and more. Hey, we’ve already got troops on the ground! She must be talking about the hundred or so advisers Obama sent over to Iraq a few weeks ago. How much trouble could it be to add another 500,000 to pacify Iraq and Syria? She finishes up this smart take on international politics by wishing that Vladimir Putin or Benjamin Netanyahu could be our president, just for like 48 hours:
[J]ust to get in here and get it done right, so that Americans don’t have to worry and wake up in the morning fearful of a group that’s murderous and horrific like ISIS.
Great idea, it's not as if Putin and Netanyahu have become international pariahs for their recent actions in Ukraine and Gaza or anything. Obama acting like one of those two shitwits will certainly not upset the international community that the United States is still nominally a part of. Why not reanimate the corpse of Saddam Hussein and stick him in the Oval Office for a couple of days? We bet Zombie Saddam could git ‘er done, and we’re already familiar with his track record.
After the show was over, we assume a couple of Roger Ailes’ flunkies changed Gutfeld and Guilfoyle’s diapers, gave them each a binky and a bottle, and put them down for their naps.