Do you know which one the "Pete Hegseth" character is on Fox News? He is the greasy-looking one who doesn't wash his hands, because he can't see germs, therefore they don't exist. He was also reportedly at one point in the running to head the VA, because Donald Trump picks the best people. Also, he thinks veterans are BIG moochers. He is just, like, super-classy and also super-smart.

Naturally, therefore, Hegseth has penned a poorly written and edited op-ed to all the new college graduates of America, begging them to forget their whole education and just be Fox News dipshits like Pete Hegseth. It's accompanied by a faux "Fox & Friends" commencement address video, because that's sure to get the Youngs a-clicking. But we won't bother with that. Let's just look at some words old Poop Hands wrote.

Uh huh yep you betcha:

The vast majority of graduation speakers are leftists and Democrats, predictably extolling diversity, globalism, identity politics, gender empowerment and – of course – climate change.

Hate it when graduation speakers "extol" climate change. It's so predictable.

Most graduates hungover and bored, absorb the platitudes. After the speech, a degree in hand, the indoctrination is complete.

Missing a comma there, bud.

Anyway, Edward Jizzerhands has three hard truths to share with college-educated kids and their parents.


First, you just wasted a lot of time and money.

Oh well, that sucks. Maybe if we made college more affordable! Instead, Hegseth says, we need to push more kids toward "non-ideological, private-sector vocational or trade school[s]," which sounds fine and reasonable for some kids, except for how what he really means is "schools" like the now defunct Trump University, fake for-profit colleges that don't teach kids shit and just rip them off instead. We're sure Betsy DeVos could recommend a few.

Predictably, Democrats want to destroy private-sector higher education in favor of their existing network of cash-machine indoctrination camps.

As we were saying.

The mafia of higher education – just like government-run public high schools – seeks to demagogue and destroy all competing educational opportunities and choices. Our only option, at this level and every level of our education system, is to rebel. Start our own schools, advance for-profit colleges, homeschool our kids, and challenge the government-run, public-school orthodoxy.

Kids taught at home by dumbfuck mommies who think Jesus rode a dinosaur, then matriculate to fake clown colleges, have a hard-earned reputation for becoming barely literate Fox News devotees later in life. It is just science.

Even the "good schools" with shiny new buildings and small classroom sizes are infected with liberal indoctrination. Assume nothing. Watchdog everything. Does your kid's school say the Pledge of Allegiance? You probably don't know (and don't want to know). What holiday is more important at your kid's school – Earth Day or Veterans Day? Or Presidents Day? Don't even try to mention God – that could get you expelled.

Are we still talking about college? Or are we talking about the millions of Christian children who literally get expelled from elementary school every year because they accidentally say "God" during required communist Earth Day celebrations, as "Fox & Friends" has probably breathlessly reported a few thousand times? Oh well, if Pete Hegseth had an editor to help him design his prose for the English-speaking reader, it might be clearer.

Second hard truth from Master E. Coli Paws:

Second, most of what you just learned is garbage.

For instance:

How much time during your education did you study civics, U.S. history, or the Constitution? Did you learn about how our founding generation viewed human nature and government, or just that they were slave owners? Did you ever study the Bible (the textbook of Western Civilization) – or just deconstruct academic skepticism about the life of Jesus? (The very Ivy League institutions founded on biblical education now loathe Christianity, must I say more).

WELL DID YOU? Or did you just erase Thomas Jefferson from history while killing Jesus, like a common Pete Buttigieg?

Or, instead, were you required to take courses on gender studies, ethnic studies, and the lost art of underwater basket weaving?

It was probably mostly that.

[The editrix would like to jump in here for just a moment to pet Pete Hegseth's dinosaur:

The earliest reference to the term [underwater basket weaving] that I could find, searching on Newspaper Archive, was May 9, 1960. The author of a Pasadena Independent trivia column noted that "Son Herbert reports that underwater basket weaving is all the rage among college students who want to spare the brain cells." So evidently the joke had been well established by 1960. I would guess the origin of the term dates to the late 1950s. Did the joke start after a college actually began offering this course? I don't know, but it seems possible.

Thanks Internet. Back to you, Evan and Pete!]

The perfect example of the listlessness of higher education today comes from Harvard Law School – the so-called gold-standard of law schools. Law students who matriculate there are not required to take a class on…wait for it…the U.S. Constitution. We are now looking at a generation of high-powered lawyers who may or may not understand the greatest political document in human history. It's lunacy, and very dangerous.

You'll be shocked to learn it's not true either, at least not the way Hegseth reports it. It is, however, a wingnut article of faith, going back to the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court. A quick Google search says Harvard doesn't specifically require a dedicated con law class for first year students, and Harvard Law grads on the internet explain -- like any lawyer in America can explain -- that con law is something that's embedded throughout law school and factors heavily into the bar exam, regardless of whether or not 1L's are required to take it as a standalone class.

That's kind of one of those perfect Fox News lies, though, isn't it? It really works as one of those brief "facts" your right-wing dumbass grandpa can recite in a huffy, dismissive tone, unaware of how stupid he sounds to his granddaughter, who is currently in law school.

Third hard truth from The Great Unwashed:

Finally, your real education starts now. No more safe spaces or trigger warnings.


Or something.

Anyway, the point of this article, as far as we can tell, is that typical Fox News viewers are really old and dead right now, and there are no Youngs to replace them, so please, for the love of God, graduates, be stupid like Pete Hegseth, lest Fox News fall down go boom and never recover.

And don't wash your hands, because IT'S A TRAP.

And ... um ...


[Fox News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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