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Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!

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It was a sad day across the Fox News Channel yesterday as the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky and her coming essay about her long-ago affair with Bill Clinton knocked the BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! “scandal” out of the headlines, forcing the leprous sacks of skin that anchor Fox’s shows to talk about something else for five minutes. And because it is Fox, there had to be a conspiracy theory angle in there somewhere.


For example, the hosts of The Five decided to flex their superior intellectual muscles on the question of why now, after all these years, has Monica decided to break her silence. Andrea Tantaros noted that there were lots of conspiracy theories out there (by “out there” she presumably meant in the Fox newsroom) and then asked Eric Bolling for his opinion.

Trying to figure it out … but this is the time, just as Hillary’s about to announce she’s running for president. Now the theory that I’m hearing [Ed. Note: Yeah, in the Fox newsroom] … is to provide sympathy for Hillary, to remind everyone that Bill Clinton was a jerk … not sure if that holds water or not. There are a bunch of theories flying around. [Ed. Note: Yeah, in the Fox newsroom]

Tantaros then suggested to dimwitted Dana Perino that this suggests there is some level of “collusion” between the media and the Clintons, to which Dana replied that there doesn’t have to be any collusion, because the media can just magically get its marching orders from Democrats through the judicious use of eye contact and, presumably, the kinds of nods mob guys give each other in movies when one of them wants to let another one know that he’s got the go-ahead to have Tommy Two Stomachs whacked.

Anyway, watch the segment just for the look that Juan Williams – sitting in for Bob Beckel, who was presumably off somewhere getting his hard drive wiped – gives the camera at around the 1:55 mark, just as Dana is starting to roll. Dana might as well have been telling him about the products one gets from pork bellies, like bacon, which you might find in a bacon and lettuce and tomato sandwich.

Later, noted political strategist and Crypt Keeper stand-in Lynne Cheney went on The O’Reilly Factor to give her take to guest host Laura Ingraham.

I really wonder if this isn’t an effort on the Clintons’ part to get that story out of the way. Would Vanity Fair publish anything of Monica Lewinsky that Hillary Clinton wouldn’t want in Vanity Fair? ... It’s happened at a time when Rand Paul has been criticizing the Clintons, it’s happened at a time when Hillary’s getting, you know, wrapped up to run. Getting it out of the way so we can say one more time it’s old news seems to me like a strategy or a tactic perhaps.

Ah yes, the brave criticism from Rand Paul that landed like a dying fish on the deck of a Boston Whaler. We’re sure all the unemployed people in America, or all the workers slaving away for seven bucks an hour because Rand Paul voted against raising the minimum wage to $10.10, took time out of the daily grind of eking out a marginal existence in the vast economic wasteland wrought by late-stage capitalism to applaud Aqua Buddha’s scathing attack on Bill Clinton over his having an affair with an intern nearly twenty years ago. What could possibly be more important?

Yr Wonkette’s take is that the vast majority of voters don’t give a shit now and will give even less of a shit in 2016, especially if no one has a job, the electrical grid is shorting out everywhere and all the freeways are crumbling into dust. So by all means, Republicans, keep blowing that chicken.

[Mediaite / Mediaite]

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OK everyone, hello! It was a really shitty week with Trump's BABY JAILS and whatnot, right? And we cried and we cried, but then we got MAD. Are you MAD BRO? Because this shit is not going to stand and we are more fired up than ever to make things better, to register people to vote, to pick them up in our car so they can go vote, and also all the other stuff too. BRB TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK NOW. That is how we are right now! So are you! Start by marching with Wonkette next week!

Also, please look above, as that is a picture of Wonkette toddler getting SWIMMING LESSONS. Isn't that the greatest?

OK, we are continuing our tradition of making the top ten post even shorter than ever before, because gotta get on the road and go to Nashville BRB GOING TO NASHVILLE NOW.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump, Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY)

2. Ann Coulter's America Will Die if Baby Jails Go Away, So That's Something!

3. Yes, Trump Is Stealing Children. But You Can DO Something.

4. Baby Jails? Goddamn Motherfucking BABY JAILS?

5. Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

6. The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

7. Happy Father's Day, Roger Stone! YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

8. Michael Cohen Slams Baby Jails On His Way To Grownup Jail

9. Awwwww Rudy Giuliani, YOU FUCKING SCARED?

10. Trump Foundation Fuckery? WHO KNEW!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT.

Let's see ... anything else? Nope, BYE.

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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