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Fox News right now.


Oh no, there is trouble right here in River City, by which we mean at Fox News! And it's all about that Donald Trump boy. SOME PEOPLE at Fox News think he's the bees tits, whereas OTHERS think he is destroying the Republican Party aka Fox News's boyfriend. Also too, there is at least one lady (Megyn Kelly) who thinks Trump is a pompous ass, and who probably has pictures of him all over the floor of her office, so she can wherever-bleed at him whenever the mood strikes.

The stupid boys on Fox News's "The Five" are here to tell us about how everything sucks at work right now:

GREG GUTFELD: What we're doing is we're pointing out this fractured strife among the Republican Party. But us pointing that out is like Charlie Sheen pointing out your drug habit. We, as a show, are facing internal strife. From a micro-level to a macro-level. You can look at conservative websites like Breitbart, how much that has fallen apart since the Trump nomination. You can look at The Five. On any given day, we have tension over this nomination, over this candidate. You can look at our network as a whole, which is -- don't look at me. But you can look at this network, where we are having issues within a family of anchors over this stuff. You can look at the Party. So at every area where there is conservatism, there is strife. And I just remember the good old days where we could all unite against the hatred for Obama. When it was so easy.

Tough times for Republicans! (Yup.) Tough times at Breitbart! (LOL.) And awwww, poor Fox News.

Back in the olden days, everybody agreed Obama was a lesbian Muslim from Indonesia, and things were happy. A typical day at the office was so nice. Sean Hannity gave everybody free handjobs at the water cooler while Bill O'Reilly ran around screaming "FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!" which was a cool rallying cry for the Fox underlings, because OMG THEY WERE LIVE ON TV RIGHT NOW.

Andrea Tantaros would sit in the lunchroom most of the day, combing her mane with a plastic spork and gargling pork rinds with her throat, Googling herself wearing a bikini over and over again. Meanwhile Dana Perino would send Snapchats to everybody that said, "Guess who's not arrested right now? My husband!"

The gnarly crew of "Fox & Friends" used to be all happy-happy-pee-pee-dance, as Steve Doocy would leave an inflatable shark in Brian Kilmeade's office every day, because we all know how confused Kilmeade is about why the sharks have to live in the ocean and eat the surfers so much whenever they want. "Hey, Brian," Doocy would say. "I found a shark that lives in your office now." And Brian would be scared and shocked and poo his knickers EVERY TIME, even though it was obviously not a real shark. But Brian was just happy to be included in the joke.

Oh, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck used to be a Fox & Friend, but now she stays at home all day eating bon-bons and sexting on her Obamaphone like a common unemployed person.

But now? Ennui. Sadness. Fisticuffs. Roger Ailes doesn't even lie on the floor and take upskirt pictures of his blondes anymore.

:(

But there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon, probably in November or so, as Gutfeld's cohost reminded him:

ERIC BOLLING: Oh, it'll be back.

The JOY will be back, he means. They will reunite eventually over how Obama is a communist Marxist queer and how President-Elect Hillary Clinton is known to conceal and carry a vag at all times. They'll find a new fake thing to get mad about when the fake Knockout Game combines with the fake War On Christmas, for one big wingnut shit-gasm called Knockout Christmas, and their gleeful reporting on it will stick it to the liberals forever and ever.

Also, the Intramural Dildo-Smacking Contests. That used to be the Fox team's favorite thing. Maybe once Trump is gone, they can put up some sign-up sheets and get that started back up.

[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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