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After impatiently demanding, 29 hours a day, that the president nut up and call the shootings in San Bernardino last week TERRORISM, Fox News's ew nasty nighttime ejaculations came true. So did Obama's Sunday night address from the Oval Office at long last make the Fox folks feel satiated and in need of a cigarette? Hells no, what are you, a stupid?


The president may have said the T-word, but on Monday, at Fox "Business" Network, Fox News Strategic Analyst Lt. Col. Ralph Peters explained why -- contrary to all prior claims by Fox -- simply saying the T-word does not mean we're half-way there to winning the War on Terror, with our words:

Mr. President we’re not afraid. We’re angry, we’re pissed off, we’re furious! We want you to react, we want you to do something! You’re afraid! This guy is such a total pussy, it’s stunning. And we the people, the American people --

Waiiiiiit a minute. Did this guy just call "Mr. President" a pussy? Rewind. Why yes, yes he did. Just wanted to confirm that. Go on, Strategic Analyst Guy:

This is a president who has done more harm to American police departments than he has done to Islamic State. This is a president who restrains our military. He uses it, not to defeat ISIS but for political purposes, for political cover. This is a president who doesn't want to hurt our enemies. This is a president who cares more about THUGS in Guantanamo, or THUGS in Ferguson, Missouri, than he does about ...

Blah blah, you get the idea. You may not have gotten the memo that the president is droning American police departments to death, but that's why Fox News is here to keep you informed.

After Lt. Col. Peters finishes yelling at President Obama for a good minute of morning hate, Fox host Stuart Varney eventually interrupts with a bemused smile:

I can tell you’re super angry and I asked you what your reaction was, but you can’t use language like that on the program, I’m sorry.

We assume Varney isn't admonishing Fox's analyst for throwing around the word "thugs" so casually, nor for his absurd and not true ACTUALLY accusation that the president is waging a more serious war against our nation's police than against ISIS, so, by the process of elimination, we guess the problem is saying the P-word on television. Not because it's uncouth to call the president a pussy, but, you know, children's comatose grandparents are out there possibly watching this family entertainment, so, sorry, but please find a more G-rated insult for the president, pal.

Lest you think this is an exception to the rule and that the rest of Fox is happy happy joy joy that Obama said the T-word, shut the front door, because yeah right, as IF. The "Fox & Friends" ménage à trois over on the Sofa of Stupid aren't about to express any gratitude that the president is FINALLY taking this terror stuff seriously enough to say TERRORISM for the first time ever, if you're not counting the one million and seven other times he has already said it, which they are not, obviously. Sure the president said the T-word, but as Fox "Reporter" Kristin Fisher helpfully emphasized, "In his entire remarks, he never once used the words 'radical Islamic terrorism.'" Take it away, Fox & Friends Brain Trust:

STEVE DOOCY: That's a step in the right direction, but then again he had to because his FBI director said it was terrorism, two days earlier.

HASSELBECK: It's a sad state when he gets credit for actually using the word that should have been used all along.

DOOCY: He could have, he should have just added to it.

HASSELBECK: Perhaps.

DOOCY: Just one more word.

HASSELBECK: Just another step forward would be great.

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Ugh, Obama, what a family-friendly-euphemism-for-pussy that guy is, right? He only calls an act of terror an act of terror when the people in charge of investigating that tell him it is an act of terror. And not a second before! Which is absurd, because Fox News was able to conclude last week's incident was an act of terrorism long before those slow-poke FBI morons sussed out that's what it was, all right you betcha. If Obama were a real president, he'd call all acts of violence Radical Islamic Terrorism, or better still, hand the investigation right over to the geniuses at Fox News. They'd have this whole case cracked, like, months ago.

Sure, on the downside, if Fox were in charge, its various blondes and non-blondes might have accidentally arrested the president of Turkey as the "second shooter." It might have, upon Sean Hannity's suggestion, rounded up all the Syrian refugees who had nothing whatsoever to do with the incident, but isn't it all sort of the same, really, when you think about it?

The point is, Fox News and its analysts know what's going on, even if President Pussy doesn't, or will only say so when forced into it by the FBI, so if we inadvertently make false accusations against innocent people or use our pants-crapping as a justification for discrimination and maybe even dropping some bombs on whoever, ah well, that's the price of freedom. No doubt the Fox Business Network would call that a bargain at twice the price.

[Joe My God / Media Matters]

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Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.

However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!

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HOLY FUCK this afternoon! Michael Cohen just finished a hearing in a New York courtroom where he said, "DURRRR I AM SO GUILTY," but this post is not about that. This post is about how Paul Manafort verdict has just come out! He has been found guilty on eight of the 18 charges he faced in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA). The jury is hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10, and so a mistrial will be declared on those and Paul Manafort may get to be retried on them, in addition to his next trial over conspiracies against the United States and witness tampering, which starts next month in Washington DC. Maybe the government will decide Manafort is going to die in jail anyway, and play hooky from retrying those other counts. They probably need a vacay, don't you think?

Trump really does hire the best people!

NBC News's Ken Dilanian broke the news that Manafort has been convicted on five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. The short version of that is that he is guilty of EIGHT FEDERAL FELONIES (so far) and he is going to jail for EIGHT MILLION YEARS for each count. (OK, that is probably not completely accurate. But still, welcome to prison, Paul Manafort!)

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