Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups
Fox News hostroid Kimberly Guilfoyle said Tuesday that America would be a far better place if young women would just please stay home and go do their Twittergrams and Tindermatches instead of cluttering up our elections with all their stupidness. She urged the frivolous young things to avoid voting in this year's midterms and to only return to the polls when they have the maturity to vote like a respectable married lady, preferably one with a good Republican cloth coat and a little dog named Checkers.
The ever-ferretlike Greg Gutfeld set the tone, noting that "with age comes wisdom" and the "older you get, the more conservative you get." He urged the Younglings to not wait so long to come over to the Dark Side, since they'll end up there anyway. "It is... your dessstiny," he intoned. He also said that women have "caught on to the big joke" -- you know, the sexist notion that women are helpless and need government to take care of them. Women are way smarter than that, which is why they have been burning their Obamacare slut pills in protest, we guess.
Guilfoyle excitedly chimed in, explaining that young women are pretty much morons who should never be allowed near the justice system, lest they Bedazzle it and try to sell it on Etsy:
It's the same reason why young women on juries are not a good idea. They don't get it! They're not in that same, like, life experience of paying the bills, doing the mortgage, kids, community, crime, education, health care! They're like healthy and hot and running around without a care in the world ... They can go back on Tinder or Match.com.
How true this is. We should make sure that before anyone votes, they should be at least as mature as a Fox viewer. Young women, please just don't worry your pretty little heads about voting. Once you're older and bitterer, the country will be ready for you to participate. Now here's five dollars. Go buy yourselves something pretty.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.