Amy McGrath, Please Beat Mitch McConnell Now, We Are All Sick Of His Stupid Face
McConnell boasts about his spectacular talent to halt progress and enable tyrants.
Amy McGrath — fighter pilot and perhaps the Rebellion's last hope — emailed me personally Friday to announce she's within one point of defeating human turtle libel, Mitch McConnell. Unfortunately, I can't as yet confirm the poll she references wasn't conducted in her residence, but it's been a long week of stories about racial slurs. Forgive me for grabbing onto any hope that we might actually ditch Mitch.
McGrath reported raising $6.2 million in the final three quarters of 2019 for a total of $16.9 million, which is just $2 million less than what Alison Lundergan Grimes raised in her failed 2014 attempt to unseat McConnnell. She currently has $9.1 million cash on hand. These are potent numbers. McConnell has $9.7 million in the bank, which is obviously more but he has to convince voters he's not Mitch McConnell. That's not cheap.
McConnell's campaign manager Kevin Golden dismissed McGrath's haul as the work of
Jews and gay people liberal elites in New York and California, where conservatives insist no actual Americans live.
JERKASS: Any left-wing name on the ballot against Mitch McConnell will raise tens of millions from liberal elites in New York and California who want to eliminate Kentucky's power to shape policy in Washington. What they can't do is invent left wing voters in Kentucky who would cast a ballot for a candidate who would erase their voice like Amy McGrath.
Yes, McGrath is gonna "erase" Kentuckians voices and make them lip synch such popular liberal hits as "Representative Government" and "(I Can't Get No) Sham Trials." Donald Trump hates that last one. McGrath might've been born in Ohio, where all of Kentucky's slaves once fled, but she grew up in Kentucky and has every right to represent it in the Senate. She's also a combat veteran and a goddamn fighter pilot for the Marines. Republicans should show some respect, but these are the same people who voted for Donald Trump.
Hopey Changey Jobby Againy Go Back To White Housey, Guess She Failedy In Californy, Big Frowny
Who greenlighted this reunion special?
Jared's getting the old gang back together! With Hope Hicks and the hot one already signed on for the comeback tour, can Ol' Two Shirts Bannon and the wife beater be far behind?
Let's go out on a limb and assume that Hicks's attempt to reinvent herself as a West Coast publicist wasn't exactly a smashing success. The last we'd heard of her was in a gauzy Vanity Fair profile largely focused on the former White House liar's shiny hair and dedication to her fitness routine. There were, however, already hints of clouds on the horizon because she'd immediately gotten caught lying to the LA trade press like they were a pack of common Maggie Habermans.
"The journalist-publicist relationship in this town is all about the trust in the exchange of information," the reporter explained. "I'll sit on a story about A-B-C in the short term in exchange for X-Y-Z down the line. It's all about the long-term gain, and I don't think that she got that."
Other reporters moved on. It was a fairly minor issue, they told me, that was probably blown out of proportion because most people didn't want to like her. But the media executive made clear: "You do not lie. Not here. You will be run out of town."
Your Wonkette has no idea what went down with Hope Hicks in California. But we're gonna take a wildass guess that the habit of breezily feeding bullshit to a press corp that will swallow it as long as they can maintain their access didn't translate to her new gig. Either that or Jared begged her to come back since he and Vanky can't ever get a sitter anymore and it's taking a toll on their marriage.
Corey Lewandowski And The Mystery Of The Dogfaces That Didn't Bark
Let's imagine, just for a moment, that Trump says sexist crap.
"Fox & Friends" held a celebratory wake for Joe Biden's political career Wednesday after his disastrous showing in the New Hampshire primary. Donald Trump's former and currently non-indicted campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, came by to toss some dirt on the Biden campaign's grave. Lewandowski claimed Biden's son Hunter and the Ukrainian gas company Burisma have become "recurring themes," and they're hurting Joe Biden's "credibility," even though he wasn't the one impeached for all this. Lewandowski declared that "Joe's race is over," and the "Fox & Friends" hosts gleefully agreed. Biden didn't have a good "strategy" for reacting to a BS scandal Republicans ginned up, and it showed. He got angry. He shouted at people. This was all in contrast, supposedly, with how calm and collected Trump was during impeachment.
Lewandowski brought up how, at a campaign stop Sunday in New Hampshire, Biden called a 21-year-old student a "lying, dog-faced pony soldier." That was weird. No one's denying it. However, Lewandowski tried to throw an impromptu pity party for Donald Trump, who just skated on impeachment charges.
LEWANDOWSKI: Can you imagine for one second if Donald Trump said that? Every media outlet in the country would be saying he hates women.
You don't have to "imagine" such a wild scenario. We're not getting on the Trolley to see King Friday in the Land of Make Believe. It's quite real and sadly mundane by this point.
This repulsive tweet is still up. It's been more than a year now and no one on the president's staff has bothered to delete it during the 18 hours a day he's either asleep or on the toilet.
Tulsi Gabbard Thinks It's OK When Trump Fires Your Boyfriend Alex Vindman And His Brother Just To Be A Dick
Draaaaaaaaaag her.
We at Wonkette are pretty solidly on record when it comes to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Tulsi Gabbard. We have always been Vote Blue No Matter Who With A Remainder Of Tulsi Because LOL Nope. From her weirdass buddy-buddy kinship with dictators to the fact that, whether she likes it or not, Russia loves her and so do white supremacists, to her "present" vote for impeachment, to her hiiiii-larious lawsuit against Hillary Clinton, there is nothing about Tulsi Gabbard that isn't just yuck. (Except her mom's homemade toffee. That is apparently the opposite of yuck.)
On Friday, Donald Trump, full of rage and sowing his wild oats and feeling free to go forth and commit more crime in the wake of his "acquittal" vote in the Senate, fired Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, who testified about Trump's Ukraine crimes for the House impeachment inquiry. Just to be a goddamned fucking dick, Trump had Vindman's twin brother Yevgeny (who is nine minutes younger, Alex WILL TELL YOU) fired from the National Security Council too.
To be clear, this guy is a Purple Heart recipient, a guy who escaped from the Soviet Union when he was three years old with his family, and went on to serve this country nobly. He is the best among us. And Tulsi Gabbard is kind of fine with Trump firing him because DERP DEE DERP, what are you going to do? Elections have consequences, DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY.
Internal Fox News Memo Shows They Knowingly Broadcast Ukraine Dezinformatzya
Putin must be so proud.
Which Trumpland media figures know the whole thing is a lie, and which are true believers? It's one of the enduring mysteries of this three-year nightmare. Who is running a con, and who thinks the insane conspiracy theories they flog hourly are actually the truth? Sure Don Jr. is a drooling idiot who thinks Mitt Romney is a crypto-Democrat in cahoots with Nancy Pelosi to impeach the greatest president since Lincoln to please George Soros. But does Laura Ingraham, a former Supreme Court law clerk, actually buy into all this crap?
Apparently, the higher-ups at Fox are in on the joke. The Daily Beast got its hands on an internal Fox News briefing book, which makes clear that the network has known all along that Rudy Giuliani and Hill "opinion" writer John Solomon were selling a pack of lies about Joe Biden in Ukraine. But the rubes eat that shit right up, so ... LOL! And also KA-CHING!
BREAKING: Steve Bannon Reveals Fox News Is In The Bag For Donald Trump
In related news, Bannon is a repulsive white supremacist.
Steve Bannon was once Donald Trump's chief White House strategist, but he got fired after making it too clear he was the white power behind the throne. After his departure, he declared his plans to become "the infrastructure, globally, for the global populist movement," which is LinkedIn speak for "funemployed." Bannon took time out of his busy schedule as Dorian Gray's portrait to swing by Fox News on Sunday and discuss his former boss's impeachment.
BANNON: Nancy Pelosi from day one understands, to get back the White House, they must destroy Trump. And the way they're going to use it is to use these fake hearings.
Blah. Blah. Blah. Impeachment was the "crime of the century," an "attempted coup." This is the standard Republican line. Bannon took it over the top in his uniquely repulsive way. He claimed that Nancy Pelosi was only able to impeach Trump in the first place because Mike Bloomberg funded her candidates with his "New York" money. Now, Bloomberg is plotting a "leveraged buyout" of the Democratic Party.
Lindsey Graham Is No Longer Welcome At Jill Biden, Her Husband's House
Dr. Biden unfriends Lindsey Graham on live TV.
Dr. Jill Biden, her husband's most enthusiastic supporter, was a guest on CNN's "New Day" this morning. During the interview, she officially declared the Bidens' friendship with South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham "so yesterday." Ever since Graham became Donald Trump's personal wet wipe, Dr. Biden doesn't even know who he is anymore. (Hint: He's a sycophantic slimeball.)
DR. BIDEN: I don't know what happened to Lindsey. We used to be great friends. And friends with John McCain. We've traveled together with the foreign relations committee. We've had dinner. Now he's changed.
It's probably tough to accept, but there's a great likelihood that Graham himself hasn't personally changed. He's only changed toward the Bidens because they are no longer useful to him. I'm sure they had lots of fun together when the Bidens were more politically convenient. Graham's a Southerner and Southerners are charming. This is not a dig at Delaware, which I've always enjoyed driving through on my way to someplace else, but I don't think the Bidens were prepared for that level of a charm offensive.
At his core, Graham is a political scorpion who likes to hitch rides to relevance on the backs of trusting frogs. Ironically, Graham will never disappoint Donald Trump because everything in life is transactional to the president. Trump has never had a real friend in his entire miserable life -- just an ever-changing series of mutually advantageous alliances, and like any good supervillain team-up, it's only a question of who'll betray the other party first.
Kushner Warns Palestinian Leaders Not To Make Him Read A 26th Book About This Crap
Trump's dumb son-in-law tanks Middle East deal by existing.
Donald Trump assigned his son-in-law Jared Kushner -- the nearest Jewish person available -- the small task of brokering peace in the Middle East. He didn't even ask him to change a light bulb first as a basic skills test. The president unveiled Kushner's brainchild at the White House Tuesday with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. No Palestinian officials were present to hear the details of the deal that would give Israel most of what it wants and Palestinians the lease to own a well-maintained 1982 Buick Century.
Palestinians broke off direct talks with Kushner in 2017 after Trump moved the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. They also realized they were talking to Jared Kushner, which didn't help matters. Kushner is keeping the lines of communication open, however. He went on CNN and Fox News this week to discuss how much Palestinian leaders suck. It was similar to the "motivational speech" Alec Baldwin gives in Glengarry Glen Ross.
Wilbur Ross: Always Look On The Bright Side Of The Coronavirus
Deadly virus is great news for the US economy!
The SARS-like coronavirus has spread rapidly in China. The death toll is now at 170 people, and almost 8,000 people are infected, including 7,711 on the Chinese mainland. It's very unfortunate -- unless you're an absolute ghoul like Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, in which case this is all great news for the US economy.
The commerce secretary was on Fox Business this morning, boasting to host Maria Bartiromo that it was "physically impossible" for the US to experience a recession this year. The American economy has no corporeal form, so this seems a safe bet. The topic turned to the coronavirus, and Bartiromo mentioned how "you could see the Chinese economy come to a halt." Did that threaten Ross's cheerful outlook on the global economy? Not at all, the old Grinchy Claus hissed. The coronavirus will deliver economic gifts for America we don't want to miss!
Chris Wallace Awards Katie Pavlich No Points For Impeachment Lies, Hopes God Has Mercy On Her Soul
Why, that's almost 'fair and balanced'!
Conservative propaganda artiste Katie Pavlich was on Fox News (where else?) Monday pushing the Republican lie that the House did a real half-assed job on Donald Trump's impeachment. Democrats apparently all got high or something and turned in sloppy, thinly sourced articles of impeachment that were double spaced and printed in 18-point font so we wouldn't notice. Now they want the Senate to do their jobs for them, which is just rude.
PAVLICH: The Senate is not the House, the House did not come with a complete case, and every impeachment beforehand, the witnesses that were called had been called in the House before being brought to the Senate. So there are questions here about the process.
This is a singularly graceless lie because the White House has obstructed Congress at every step of this "process," repeatedly blocking key witnesses from testifying. "Obstruction of Congress" was literally one of the articles of impeachment. This is one of the dumbest things Pavlich has said and she says dumb things professionally.
There's a limit, however, to how much bullshit someone can swallow, even if they willingly work for Fox News. Chris Wallace pulled over the car and pretty much told Pavlich that she was fucked in the head.
Stephanie Grisham: Why Is Adam Schiff So 'Obsessed' With Democracy?
Grisham just can't relate.
We've discussed how Donald Trump put a Twitter hit out on Rep. Adam Schiff like a common gangster. (It was yesterday. Go check it out, we'll be referring back!) The president's part time White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, tried and, as usual, failed to clean up after her boss Sunday during an appearance on Fox News. Howard Kurtz read Trump's gross tweet about Schiff and (correctly) said it sounded like a "vague threat." Grisham responded with her usual absurdity.
GRISHAM: I disagree, and this has been a theme throughout this process. People put meanings behind what [Trump] said. The president speaks in a very unique way, he's a counter-puncher, he's saying what it's on his mind.
Grisham, whose job tangentially involves communication, seems unaware of how communication actually works. Here's a quick primer: The speaker states something and the listener interprets the message. Grisham acts as if we're putting way too much thought into what the president of the United States says publicly -- sort like Beatles fans in the '60s who somehow got the idea that Paul McCartney was dead. Trump just said he's the walrus. Stop trying to play his tweets backward.
Bored Sixth-Graders Offer Tips To Help Republicans Behave Themselves At Impeachment Trial
If they hadn't already decided the outcome such behavior by a jury could be bad.
The day after Chief Justice John Roberts told both sides in Donald Trump's impeachment trial to behaaave themselves and remember they're speaking before the World's Greatest Deliberative Body, several Republican senators decided Wednesday they found the whole thing tedious, so they left their seats, ducked out to the cloakrooms, nodded off, and generally behaved like they were being forced to listen to a mandatory school assembly on railroad safety, only without even the prospect of some gory accident footage. Decorum is for losers, man. We suspect that by midafternoon today they were openly lighting their farts.
We suppose it only makes sense they'd make a great show of performing just how bored they are, like a common Fox News host would. That seems in keeping with Trump's defense team's presenting a load of Fox News talking points Tuesday, instead of any attempt to defend Trump's actual behavior.
Angry White People With Guns Is Fulfillment Of MLK's Dream, Says Really Dumb Person
Did everyone forget that MLK was shot?
Monday was Martin Luther King Day, and some creeps thought this was an ideal time to protest reasonable gun safety laws in Virginia. Dr. King was the leader of a prominent non-violent movement. He changed the world without pulling a gun. Then a racist shot and killed him. Guns and Dr. King's legacy don't mix positively. However, Antonia Okafor Cover, spokesperson for Gun Owners of America, turned up on "Fox & Friends" Tuesday and suggested that the gun rally was the culmination of Dr. King's "dream." This was because it was not overtly a white supremacist rally.
COVER: This was by far, hands down, the worst white supremacist rally I have ever seen. There were people shaking my hand. I mean, they even let me speak, for goodness sake. So, it's almost as if MLK's dream to see that people judge people based on the content of their character and not the color of their skin had actually become reality,
First place, people of different races uniting to publicly hump guns was not in any way Dr. King's dream. He actively opposed the Vietnam War, which was an inclusive expression of American violence. There was more to Dr. King's dream than people being judged based not on the color of their skin but the content of their 45 calibers. He also dreamed that Mississippi would be transformed into an "oasis of freedom and justice." There's clearly still work to do.
Trump Campaign Manager, Data Guru Very Bad At Campaigning, Data
Fox News actually proved a 'no-spin zone' for Brad Parscale.
It's admittedly a challenge to run Donald Trump's re-election campaign. He's just now through his first term, and his most significant legislative achievement is his own impeachment. Unfortunately, Trump's campaign manager is Brad Parscale, who according to our legal experts is a "shameless hustler." Parscale and his beard, which is mostly house trained, visited Fox News studios Monday to peddle fact-less "data." It didn't go well.
Parscale triumphantly informed Fox's Bill Hemmer that Trump is an unstoppable electoral behemoth. He's got amazing numbers among all the key demos Republicans don't actively prevent from voting.
PARSCALE: The numbers are up. You can look at things like Rasmussen, which was right in 2016. Every standard we have in measuring what's going on with the president and trying to win victory in 2020 we're doing better.
Yes, he said "win victory." That must be their stretch goal. They only "won defeat" last time. This time they're going for the popular vote, as well as the Electoral College. Parscale's problem, though, is that he's "measuring what's going on" using "every standard" but math. Hemmer confronted Parscale with "numbers" and not commie numbers from CNN but numbers from a Fox News poll of suburban voters. Those are numbers that stand for the national anthem.
Latest Parnas Doc Dump Wants To Know: How You Livin' Devin Nunes?
And a whole lot more from your favorite chucklefuck!
Time for the latest dispatches from chucklefuck Lev Parnas's phone on the Trumpland conspiracy to frame Joe Biden. The newest doc dump from the House Intel and Judiciary Committees contains three different PDFs, plus a voicemail. The first comprises messages between Parnas and Devin Nunes's aide Derek Harvey, the second pertains to surveillance of our ambassador in Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, and the third is just photos of Lev Parnas, who takes more selfies than Kim Kardashian, documenting his position at the center of Trumpworld. Let's get at it.
Devin Nunes, Moo Got Some Splainin' to Do!
Friday night we got a peek at Lev's messages with Derek Harvey, Devin Nunes's top Intel staffer, and -- SURPRISE -- they back up Parnas's allegation that the congressman was up to his udders in the Biden smear. Parnas served as a conduit between Nunes and corrupt Ukrainian prosecutors willing to say more or less anything for a price, including Viktor Shokin and Yuriy Lutsenko.
As Parnas told Rachel Maddow last week, "Derek Harvey had several interviews, Skype interviews I set up, with different prosecutors like [Nazar] Kholodnytsky, which is the anti-corruption prosecutor of Ukraine, Konstantyn Kulyk, one of the major guys that's had this whole Biden stuff."
At the same time, Harvey was pumping Parnas for dirt on the Clinton Foundation. Because it will always and forever be 2016.
Damn Shame Trump Has All These Crooks Hanging Around Him, Doing His Criminal Bidding
What's a not-at-all honest president to do?
Freshly impeached Donald Trump spent this weekend whining about why he was impeached at all. Oh, why did such a bad thing happen to someone like him -- a fundamentally bad person? Trump is just like Job if Job were a corrupt mob boss president finally held somewhat accountable for his actions.
Trump's ongoing dilemma is that he seems to have surrounded himself -- by some twist of fate -- with the type of people who'd frequent the Mos Eisley cantina in Star Wars. Trump's defenders, as well as Trump himself, will argue that we shouldn't trust anyone who was ever close enough to Trump to see firsthand how crooked he is.
This weekend, Jeanine Pirro compared human smoking gun Lev Parnas to Michael Cohen, Trump's former personal lawyer and "fixer," which is an above-board term used to describe someone who'd never break the law on his client's behalf.
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