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Russia

Russian Senators Spreading Republican Propaganda, Wait That's Backwards

OR IS IT?

How's about we start this week where we ended last week? WITH THE SAME STORY!

News broke Friday after Fiona Hill's stunning testimony on Capitol Hill, including her exhortation to Congress to please stop spreading Russian propaganda lies about Ukraine meddling in the 2016 election, because THAT IS RUSSIAN PROPAGANDA, that actually Congress already knew that, because the intelligence community had specifically briefed senators on the subject. Of course, during the hearings, people like Devin Nunes (HOW YOU LIVIN', MOO-BOY?) just continued to spread the Russian propaganda, because they're shameless and also it would appear that, at least in Nunes's case, he's a participant in Trump's scheme to get Ukraine to illegally interfere in the 2020 election.

Hill and Ukraine embassy official David Holmes, as well as several other impeachment witnesses, testified that among other things Russia seeded this narrative to deflect attention from its own responsibility for the 2016 election attack, and to weaken the Ukraine-US relationship.

So obviously with this news out in the open, Republican senators hit the Sunday shows to spread some more Russian propaganda.

John Kennedy, the GOP senator from Louisiana, got the ball rolling on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace. You know, we were thinking this weekend how it's unfair journalism when we call Kennedy's colleague Ron Johnson the Senate's dumbest Republican, because of how John Kennedy is #BeBest at being dumbstupidest Senate Republican too.

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Impeachment

Giuliani-Chucklefux-Hairball Lawyers-Dmitry Firtash Traveling Band: Now With MORE COWBELL!

How you livin', Devin Nunes?

HOLY COW! Devin Nunes is even deeper in the manure than even we thought! In a massive Friday night news dump (betcha Daily Beast was hot on their trail), CNN busted the GOP plot to smear Joe Biden wide open. Remember Thursday the Beast reported Devin's four-day, taxpayer-funded field trip facilitated by Lev Parnas to A COUNTRY in Europe last December? Well! Turns out Devin and three congressional aides spent $4,000 per day, per person, of your money to jet off to Vienna and pump corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin for dirt on Joe Biden. So Nunes has been part of this drug deal from the very beginning.

"Mr. Parnas learned from former Ukrainian Prosecutor General Victor Shokin that Nunes had met with Shokin in Vienna last December," Parnas's lawyer Joseph Bondy told CNN. So a full year ago, before Joe Biden had even declared his candidacy, Devin Nunes was using government resources to smear him in cahoots with the president's former attorney and his Ukrainian-American fixer? Cool, cool.

Nunes himself spoke to Parnas at least three times about Ukraine, and he didn't think that was worthy of mention in testimony that prominently featured Rudy Giuliani and Lev Parnas's schemes? Instead he spent the entire hearing howling that Chairman Adam Schiff COLLUDED with the whistleblower by telling his lawyer to file a formal complaint?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING US WITH THIS SHIT?

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Ukraine

Witness Confirms Gordon Sondland A GODDAMN IDIOT

Not allegedly.

Why the hell did Gordon Sondland ever agree to testify before Congress? Was there some moment back in October when he thought to himself, "Sure, three State Department employees overheard me assure Trump that Zelenskiy would do 'all the investigations' because 'he loves your ass,' but I can just deny it when I testify and it will all be cool?" Because there was no version of events where Sondland could tell the truth and have it be okay. There was only perjury-trapping himself like a common Roger Stone, or SHUTTING THE HELL UP. Which he could easily have done, since half the executive branch already told Congress to get bent and lived to derp another day.

Instead, Sondland went in and told a whole passel of half-truths (we are kind on a Monday!) about stupid shit he did in front of dozens of witnesses, after marching through Europe cheerfully announcing to anyone who would listen that he was on a mission from the president to subvert American foreign policy to support his re-election campaign.

WHYYYYYYY?????

After an exhaustive examination of the record, we have arrived at the only possible explanation: Gordon Sondland is A IDIOT. There is unanimous agreement on this point among all the impeachment witnesses, most recently David Holmes, the political counselor at our Ukrainian embassy, who described for House investigators Friday how they got saddled with Ambassador Buttinsky:

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fox news

The 876,601 Stupidest Things Fox News Said About Bill Taylor And George Kent

Oh well, can't win 'em all, boys!

The one thing we haven't spent much time on after Wednesday's inaugural impeachment hearing of Donald J. Trump is what Fox News was doing while it was going on. As there will be 678,000 of these hearings, we won't be able to write a post like this for each one. Hell, next week we're doing THREE DAYS STRAIGHT of hearings.

That said, Fox News was pretty sure Fox News didn't know what the fuck to do with all this. Herein, we will rank the 876,601 dumbest things Fox News and its hosts had to say about the hearings, both while they were going and afterward, and by "rank" we mean "in no particular order," and by "876,601" we mean "not that."

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2019 state and local elections

My Goodness, What CAN'T George Soros Do!

Hacking up with the Hairballs.

Quick, get the Drano! The Hairballs are back, coughing up phlegm all over Lou Dobbs's desk during the nightly White Rage and Denture Cream Jamboree! After Republicans' freight train of bullshit was derailed by two career foreign service officers explaining that the solution to Ukrainian corruption does not involve siccing that country's prosecutors on Joe Biden's son, wingnut lawyers Victoria Toensing and Joe diGenova swung into action. These patriotic attorneys for Russian mobster Dmitry Firtash know exactly who to blame when conspiracy theories are cruelly cut down in their prime by the dastardly Facts and Logic branch of the MS13 gang.

Can you guess who it is? Can you?

It is DA JOOZ!!!✡!!!!!!!!✡!!✡

Oh, sorry, we meant George Soros. AHEM.

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Impeachment

GOP Lawyer Steve Castor's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

He lawyered THE SHIT outta those witnesses!

House Republican impeachment attorney Steve Castor was given a heaping pile of chicken shit yesterday and failed to turn it into a delicious bowl of chicken salad. Castor's been kicking around the House since 2005, the beloved attack schnauzer of Jason Chaffetz, Trey Gowdy, and Darrell Issa, who described him as "just too good a lawyer not to have." Which might have been overselling it just a wee smidge, particularly since the guy has the charisma of a tube sock.

Donald Trump, a creature conjured entirely out of the fever swamp of reality television, derided the Democrat's counsel Daniel Goldman as a "TV lawyer." And yet Castor's years as a Republican congressional hack proved no match for Goldman's cross examination skills honed as an SDNY mob prosecutor. Sad! Not to put too fine a point on it, Castor got his ass kicked in yesterday's hearing with Bill Taylor, the interim ambassador to Ukraine, and George Kent, the State Department's deputy secretary for European and Eurasian affairs. Which is why the GOP tried to dismiss the entire proceeding as ZZZZZ, OMG SO BORING instead of gleefully playing clips of him PWNING THE LIBS. Because those clips do not exist.

Sick burn!

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fox news

Sean Hannity Seems Kinda Spooked

Funny how his name keeps coming up in all these Trump impeachment depositions!

Sean Hannity would like to STRONGLY ADVISE EVERYBODY OF A THING!

And if YOU don't STOP LYING about SEAN HANNITY, then MAYBE he'll call his LAWYER, who will ALSO be VERY MAD, not only because you are LYING about SEAN HANNITY, but maybe ALSO because the PRISON ran out of CHOCOLATE MILK this morning, that is if Sean Hannity's LAWYER is still MICHAEL COHEN, which he probably ISN'T, but Wonkette is just a DICK who wants to REMIND YOU of that time SEAN HANNITY was one of MICHAEL COHEN'S THREE CLIENTS and we all LOLOLOLOLED ALL THE LIVELONG DAY about THAT.

So, um, what's buddy boy up there bitchin' about? Well! Since you asked!

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lawsplainer

The Sixth Amendment For Dummies (Mollie Hemingway, Rand Paul)

Gonna lawsplain you ALL NIGHT LONG.

Mollie Hemingway and Rand Paul need to read the Constitution.

There is no limit to how dumb things can get here in 2019. We have now reached the phase of the Trump impeachment where the criminal-in-chief's sycophants just make up constitutional provisions to support their asinine arguments.

The dumbfuckery started earlier this week on Twitter, because of course it did. In a Twitter fight with Congressman -- and former Republican -- Justin Amash, Mollie Hemingway of The Federalist cited to a nonexistent provision of the US Constitution that apparently says "Donald Trump has the right to unmask the whistleblower in violation of federal law."

As with many things involving Republicans, everything about this is dumb and wrong. And did we mention Mollie Hemingway and Rand Paul are dumb and wrong?

When the facts aren't on your side and the law isn't on your side, you ... try to gaslight the American people.

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Trump impeachment hearings

GOP On Ukraine Ambassador's House Testimony: CRUSHED IT! (Their Testicles.)

Yes, Jim Jordan should DEFINITELY get to ask Marie Yovanovitch these super-smart questions in public.

Watching the Republicans HURR DURR their way through Marie Yovanovitch's House testimony is hilarious. But at the same time, it's really not funny at all. This career public servant gave 33 years of her life to the United States foreign service, only to be kicked to the curb when the Russians put a conspiracy-loving idiot in the White House. And now the GOP is going to smear Yovanovitch and pretend that the anti-corruption reformers we supported in Ukraine were actually the bad guys, so as to better launder the reputation of the corrupt crooks who were feeding Trump lies that led him to try to extort the Ukrainian president. It's a fucking disgrace.

Rep. Jim Jordan got the party started by whining for the record about Nancy Pelosi and her fake impeachment hearings which is NO FAIR because of some lies he just made up about precedent. Then Rep. Lee Zeldin bitched that HPSCI Chair Adam Schiff isn't head of Foreign Affairs, so how come he gets to interview a State Department witness, HUH HUH HUH? Then they bitched for 20 minutes about the Washington Post getting a copy of Yovanovitch's opening statement. And it only went downhill from there.

But Democrats managed to elicit a comprehensive account of the ambassador's slow realization that Rudy Giuliani and his Chucklefuck buddies were gunning for her through a backchannel that took precedence over official State Department policy in Ukraine. Yovanovitch's first inkling that something was amiss came from her contacts in the Ukrainian government, who called to say, Hey, who is it that actually speaks for the US government, and also YOU IN DANGER, GIRL!

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fox news

Tucker Carlson Done With Pete Buttigieg's Man Stew, Talkin' 'Bout Adam Schiff's Big Gulps Now

GROOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Few months back, Tucker Carlson grossed everybody out. (Yeah, just the one time.) He performed a one-man monologue with one hand tied inside his panties (allegedly!) about known gay homosexual Pete Buttigieg's candidacy, and, um, well, it got kinda weird.

Tucker said:

THEY WANT TO CONSUME HIM LIKE A HEARTY STEW.

EVERY LAST DROP OF BUTTIGIEG.

YUM.

About Pete Buttigieg.

He was responding to a comment from MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace about how Buttigieg is "Chicken Soup For My Soul," like the well-known line of Jesus-y chicken soup books. Tucker Carlson, misinterpreting that completely, went directly in his upset brain to dipping his boner in a piping hot bowl of Campbell's® Chunky™ and calling it "Pete Buttigieg." (Allegedly. Could not see what Tucker's boner was doing under the desk, and do not even know if Tucker gets boners, on TV or at any other time.)

Our point is that Tucker Carlson has done it again.

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