fox news

Nancy Pelosi Creating Committee To Watchdog Trump's Coronavirus F*ckups, And Fox News Is MAD

UNFAIR, House select committees are for investigating Hillary Clinton!

Often when there is a 9/11-grade event, afterward comes a commission or a select committee, to investigate what went wrong, and what could be done in the future to prevent or mitigate such a disaster. (Sometimes they do select committees to find out if Hillary Clinton was alone the whole night she did Benghazi with her emails, or if she was in the tub with Huma at the time. But that's when Republicans are in charge.)

Donald Trump has fucked up America's response to coronavirus to the point that we now have twice as many confirmed cases as either Spain or Italy, almost three times as many as China ever had, and probably millions more undetected. Therefore, Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that she is creating the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis, led by House Majority Whip James Clyburn. For now, it will oversee the ongoing federal response to coronavirus, and then afterward, once shit settles down and the world is not quite as completelyfuckingonfire, it will investigate where everything went wrong. (SPOILER: It started going wrong when James Comey sent his letter 11 days before the 2016 election, and when Russia helped the Trump campaign steal that election by a handful of votes in three Rust Belt states.)

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If Devin Nunes Doesn't Get To Play Outside Soon, He Might Just Sue A LIVE COW

Just kidding, he would never sue a live cow. OR WOULD HE?

Donald Trump is being serious about coronavirus, finally, or at least pretending to be. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis finally put Florida under a statewide stay-at-home order, because Trump finally gave him his marching orders, we guess.

But you know which elected official is not buying into the liberal agenda nonsense, and just wants to go out in the pasture and play, and if you think he's gonna stay six feet away from each and every cow, you got another think coming, ALLEGEDLY?

cow pole dancing GIF Giphy

That's right, Devin Nunes is not havin' it.

A couple weeks ago, Fucking Devin was pretty sure when Dr. Anthony Fauci said "stay at home" that Dr. Anthony Fauci was not his real dad, so he interpreted that order as GO TO BARS. (And then got so mad when people reported on what he said.)

Now, weeks later, with the bodies piling up, in an America with more than 200,000 confirmed coronavirus cases and growing, with outbreaks shooting forth from all corners of the country like the country is a big udder and the milk is coming out of all kinds of nipples like WHOA HEY! — against this backdrop, Fucking Devin is doubling down.

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Governor Florida Man Will Make Coronavirus Great Again, On Land And At Sea


How does Florida Governor Ron DeSantis get dressed without a designated grownup to help him make the bunny ears to tie his shoes? Is there a special aide who accompanies him to the men's room to drop a target Cheerio in the water and then reminds the governor to pull his Underoos up before he goes back to work? Does his wife threaten to call Poppy Trump if DeSantis doesn't brush his teeth before bedtime?

Oh, it's funny, 'cuz it's TRUE.

As of today, Florida has nearly 7,000 identified cases of COVID-19, including a burgeoning outbreak at its 50,000-person, 55-plus community in Sumter County. DeSantis has been roundly criticized for refusing to shut down spring break, allowing tens of thousands of drunk kids to swap germs up and down Florida's coasts. And yet, the Miami Herald reports that Ron DeSantis, governor of one of the largest states in the country, is waiting for the White House to tell him if he should order people to go the hell home and stop spreading the virus.

"I'm in contact with [the White House task force] and I've said, 'Are you recommending this?'" DeSantis said yesterday at a news conference. "The task force has not recommended that to me. If they do, obviously that would be something that carries a lot of weight with me. If any of those task force folks tell me that we should do X, Y or Z, of course we're going to consider it. But nobody has said that to me thus far."

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Fox News Idiots Not Sure People Even In Hospital With Coronavirus, SAYS WHO?


Remember how Wonkette was just saying Fox News is being a little bit more careful about spreading lies about coronavirus, now that Donald Trump is pretending to take it more seriously for a minute? OK, well that lasted nine seconds, which, to be fair, is a new record for Fox.

During a panel discussion about "groupthink" about coronavirus — you know, all the things the libs obviously don't want you to know! — led by the stupidest Fox News anchor with a British accent, Steve Hilton, they discussed the possibility, based on something somebody saw on Twitter, that hospitals are ACTUALLY empty, but the Deep State doesn't want you to know that, obviously.

But the discussion was more than that, so let's dive into the stupid for a sec. Transcript courtesy of Media Matters:

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Fox News Agrees That Trump Has Always Been At War With The Coronavirus

Fox doesn’t remember ever telling its viewers the coronavirus was a big hoax.

Donald Trump is almost, sorta taking the coronavirus pandemic seriously. He's no longer planning a grand opening of the economy for Easter, followed by a grand closing of most people's lives. That means Fox News, which exists to serve the president, has started recognizing reality from a distance of at least six feet.

Trump phoned in to his "Fox & Friends" this morning, and he sang the praises of social distances. He once feared the “cure" was worse than the “disease" — a line of gibberish fed to him by Fox host Steve Hilton, who now wants to see just how full our hospitals really are. Maybe all the sick and dying in New York are a big David Copperfield illusion.

Hilton's still an idiot, but Trump's a changed man. He even has children's letters to Santa Claus that reveal how families are coming together while under house arrest.

TRUMP: I'm getting letters from people that, “I found my family again.’"They were doing all sorts of things & now they're with their family in the home and not going out ... we're getting a lot of letters. "We found our family again. We found what life should be."

Yes, hiding away in our homes from a deadly plague is what life should be if our lives were Edgar Allan Poe stories. Thank you, Mr. President, for your criminally negligent response to the coronavirus! My son and I have never been closer than during our current hair-growing contest.

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Lindsey Graham's Pandemic Sunday Show Idiocy

It's your Sunday Rundown!

Greetings, Wonkers, time for your rundown of all the terrible things that happened on the Sunday shows.

We begin with Fox News's "Sunday Morning Futures with Maria Bartiromo," which had South Carolina senator and brett Kavanaugh defender (never forget) Lindsey Graham on to talk about the stimulus passed by Congress. But it was when Bartiromo brought up Nancy Pelosi that Graham got the vapors:

Sen. Graham pins Pelosi's attack on Trump as 'shameful, disgusting'

BARTIROMO: Well take us behind the curtain to tell us how this all shook out, Senator, because Nancy Pelosi said she did jujitsu on this relief bill...

GRAHAM: Right.

BARTIROMO: ... to get it where it needs to be.


BARTIROMO: And this morning, this weekend, she is saying that the president is fiddling around while people are dying, Senator.

GRAHAM: No, what she said, she's blaming the president of the United States for people dying because of the way he's led the country. That's the most shameful, disgusting statement by any politician in modern history. Let me tell you, we have seen the best of America from our citizens helping each other, delivering groceries, having special shopping hours for senior citizens. She's the first politician to blame another politician for people dying. This is the same speaker of the House who held up the bill in the Senate for days because she wanted same-day voting, she wanted carbon neutrality for the airlines, she wanted $75 million for the endowment for the humanities, and $25 million for the Kennedy Center. She is the one that held up the package in the Senate for days to get the Green New Deal put in a recovery package. So it's the most shameful, disgusting thing I have heard yet. And it needs to stop.

Mind you that Lindsey Graham has been in Congress through Terri Schiavo, Brett Kavanaugh and Dennis Hastert. But the kicker of hypocritical bullshit is Graham's "disgust" at blaming a politician for people dying like THIS motherfucker never heard of Benghazi and how Republicans blamed Hillary Clinton ("another politician") for "people dying" there.

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No, you disgusting ghouls, you cannot have my mother for ECONOMY.

Congratulations to Texas's Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick whose BIG IDEA to lick this coronavirus by killing Grandma is getting a real life trial run.

"No one reached out to me and said, 'As a senior citizen, are you willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren?'" Patrick derped to Tucker Carlson Monday night, as he urged Americans to get their lazy asses back to work. "If that's the exchange, I'm all in."


And now an entire nursing home is being evacuated because all the residents have coronavirus. But "protectively & lovingly," just as the president promised!

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Ainsley Earhardt Worried Coronavirus Will Negatively Impact Her Beauty Regimen

We can always count on Earhardt to be ridiculous.

"Fox & Friends" continued its gripping coverage today of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. The panel was literally discussing the 3.28 million new jobless claims filed this week, when the pride of Spartanburg, South Carolina, Ainsley Earhardt, broke in to make sure viewers weren't losing sight of what's truly important right now.

EARHARDT: All the bills that are stacking up at my apartment. We gotta think about that kind of thing.

Not really. Earhardt is still receiving her absurdly large salary. She didn't suddenly lose her job in the gibberish-making industry. Presumably, she can still pay her bills online. If she cared about the environment, she'd have gone paperless long before this.

EARHARDT: If you bought clothing before all this happened, if you want to return it. Are stores going to waive that 30-day period when you can get your money back if you need to return something?

Don't worry, some stores have extended their return dates. However, many others think you can just keep your coronavirus-infected blouse. A store clerk doesn't need to die because you had second thoughts.

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Right Wing Extremism

And Now, Your Daily Dispatch From The Fox News/Rightwing Coronavirus Death Cult!

There is something terribly wrong with these people.

As COVID-19 continues to spread among the population, so too does the weird outbreak of Little Man Syndrome nihilism on the American Right, particularly among men. You know, the same types of dumbfucking small-dicked men who thinks it's really awesome when idiots open-carry their penis-guns at the Chili's, just to prove that they can. Those trucks in the parking lot with the oversized tires and the "No Fear" bumper stickers? Be still their bathing suit regions!

Did you know that if you are scared of a few million people dying of coronavirus, you probably love the Nazis too? That's what right-wing pundit idiot Dennis Prager — who still, thoughts and prayers, is probably very upset that he's not allowed to say the "N"-word — thinks about coronavirus. Don't you understand that this is WAR? Well, if you're not willing to do WAR on coronavirus, you probably wouldn't have even done WAR to the Nazis, and in WAR people die, like common warriors! (As far as we can tell, Dennis Prager has never done "war.")

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Easter Bunny Trump Gonna Put Surprise In America's Easter Basket! (It Is Coronavirus)

Donald Trump did a town hall with Fox News today. It was bad.

Guess Donald Trump heard the networks were cutting away from his Hitler Corona Rallies, because all the fuckers went on Fox News for a big virtual town hall today. From the outside part of the White House, because fuck your "stay inside" order.

Holy shit, it was bad.

The biggest thing to know is that he's not kidding about wanting to re-open American society like five minutes from now, long before we hit the peak of our coronavirus outbreak. Because he is so stupid and utterly lacking in capacity for thinking beyond whatever impulse he's feeling right now, he doesn't see how maybe a literal fucking bloodbath of people dying around the country — many of whom watch his favorite network and voted for him! — might hurt the stock market even more than it's hurting now.

When? Easter, he says! That would be April 12.

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President Crankypants Getting His Coronavirus Briefings From Fox News Again


Donald Trump is bored, y'all.

And he wants to go outside and do a rally where all the deplorables scream praises at him, but he's not allowed, because the so-called "doctors" say if he does that, all the deplorables are just going to spray coronavirus on each other. Pfffffft, "doctors." Didn't they hear Trump has made a science medicine discovery that if you put some malaria drug in a milkshake and shake it around while you grab them by the pussy, coronavirus is cured? Like, Fox News totally says it works. (And we hope it does! In the meantime, Trump needs to STFU about it. The experts will let us know.)

Anyway, Trump is ALL-CAPS-ing.

Great. Awesome.

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Stephanie Grisham: If Media Loved America, They’d Help Spread Trump’s Coronavirus Lies

Sadly, Grisham isn't one of the hundred of thousands (or more!) newly unemployed Americans.

Part-time White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham can't avoid the burdens of her job now that the country is facing a global pandemic and economic collapse. Grisham whined to Howard Kurtz on Fox News Sunday about the mean reporters she's just meeting for the first time who won't let up about how Donald Trump destroyed the country. What's done is done. That's Grisham's motto.

GRISHAM: The president didn't have a crystal ball there.

No, Trump didn't have access to fortune teller technology, but he did have intel community warnings in January that China was lying about the spread of the coronavirus. He also had Barack Obama's global pandemic team that he exchanged for a bag of magic beans. He also had researchers in Seattle, Washington, who wanted to test people for the coronavirus as early as January but the federal government refused. (A heroic doctor went rogue and performed tests anyway.) Trump consistently downplayed the impact of the coronavirus until it was too late, and now everyone is trapped at home with their families.

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Fox News Commies Turn On America’s Stock-Dumping Sweetheart, Kelly Loeffler

Loeffler might become another McLoser like Martha McSally.

Sen. Kelly Loeffler from Georgia is busy cleaning up her mess after cleaning up her stock portfolio. Loeffler and her husband, Jeffrey Sprecher, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange, dumped a few million in stocks after an all-senators briefing with Dr. Anthony Fauci back in January, when we still had meetings. Her sales don't look quite as an incriminating as North Carolina Sen. Richard Burr's, but he's not running for re-election this year. Gov. Brian Kemp appointed Loeffler to her seat in December and she has to actually face voters -- metaphorically, of course -- in a November special election.

Loeffler has never held prior political office. She's a Republican in Georgia and might've won her first actual race on partisan inertia, but now she has to really put herself out there. Unfortunately, Loeffler doesn't come across as the most honest and trustworthy person. She reminds me of the villain in a Lifetime movie who's threatening to foreclose on the family farm or bulldoze the family diner, both of which are run by Lacey Chabert.

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Democrats, *Now Is Not The Time For Your Bipartisan Shit*

Hit them hard and mean every day until November.

Some of you are probably worried about an ABC/Ipsos poll stating that 55 percent of Americans approve of how Donald Trump is managing the coronavirus pandemic. Who are these imbeciles, you might wonder? Pandora managed boxes better than Trump managed the coronavirus response. If it's any consolation, this poll looks like an outlier ... for now.

Americans during a crisis like to feel reassured. Trump goes on TV every day and mostly lies his ass off. He implies that miracle "Star Trek" cures are just around the corner. Yes, he's tanked the stock market during previous addresses to the nation, but it's not a given that Americans are holding him accountable for the "HOLY SHIT" news. This is why it's important that Democrats never let up on hammering him about his fatal incompetence. The stirring speeches Adam Schiff gave during the Senate impeachment trial should occur daily now.

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STFU About Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Fox News A-Hole Doctor Lady

Fox News is finally figuring out how to say some facts about coronavirus WHILE ALSO giving its viewers the racist fact-free bullshit they so crave.

Well now, Fox has done an about-face and is pretending like it has always been at war with coronavirus. But there's good news, because even as they're starting to figure out how to deliver some actual science knowledge to their viewers, they're also figuring out how to keep delivering that trademark Fox News garbage bullshit their audience hoovers up like fentanyl-laced Metamucil.

For an example, we go to Fox News "medical expert" Dr. Nicole Saphier, who knows why all the kids are out there spring-breaking naked in the streets, while coronavirus rages:

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Federal Reserve Brings A Banana To A Gunfight, THIS IS FINE

Are you not reassured?

"This is still a great opportunity to buy," Larry Kudlow arglebargled on Fox Business this morning. The president's economic advisor has been singing this song for a month, as investors inexorably slide into panic at the realization that this coronavirus thing is not going to disappear "like a miracle."

Yesterday, the Federal Reserve announced an interest rate cut of a full point, bringing to near zero the rate banks charge each other for short term loans. Which sounds really boring, but is actually hugely important, since it functions as a benchmark for other lending. So maybe your mortgage is "prime plus three," or your credit card is "prime plus usury," etc.

Here's a really cogent explanation courtesy of CNN, but in general, the Fed lowers rates to stimulate the economy and get us to buy more stuff. The theory is, if you can put it on the Mastercard and not feel freaked out about the interest you'll hit the mall and SPLURGE. And if companies can borrow money, they'll go on a hiring binge. KA-CHING!

Can you spot the problem here?

HINT: What are you doing right now?

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