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French Resistance Encodes Election Results On Twitter: The Dwarf Has Pawned His Rolex

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In the land of perpetual ennui, where humor is not a cultural norm, the French had their first round of presidential elections yesterday, and also their second revolution. This time, they didn't have to show up at the Bastille with burning baguettes, they just stayed in their pajamas and revolted on Twitter, flouting la loi which bans the publication of election results before 8pm on election day. If you do, you'll be slapped with a €75,000 fine ($99,000) and do time in La Conciergerie, where Marie Antoinette ate her horsey cake.


But a certain provocateur marcvasseur asked his friends to come up with a Twitter hash tag to communicate coded election results, and #RadioLondres, for Charles de Gaulle's WWII coded radio broadcasts to the French Resistance, was hatched.

Nicolas Sarkozy, the incumbent, was Rolex (for gaucheness), the dwarf/midget (he's been busted many times either standing on his tippy toes or on a little box in order to appear taller next to his wife, chanteuse Carla Bruni, or the Obamas), Budapest (he's Hungarian) and of course, Napoleon (he is a gauche Hungarian dwarf/midget).

Francois Hollande, the Socialist candidate (and winner of round one) was Flanby (a wobbly packaged flan dessert). The third-place crazy nationalist and immigrant hater (and daughter of the 2007 third-place candidate, KKK bosom pal Jean-Marie Le Pen), Marine Le Pen, was called many bad names, with "Vichy" and "Nuremberg" being the baddest.

Sarkozy critics gleefully envisioned his impending eviction from the Élysée Palace: "The engines on Air Sarko One have started," "The Rolex is in the pawnshop," "Carla has opened an account on [French dating site] meetic," and finally, just before 7pm, at the height of that day's tweets-per-minute (16,662), melclalex tweeted Sarkozy's demise:

But Socialist Hollande, at 28.63 percent to Sarkozy's 27.18 percent, does not have the election in his Birkin bag. Marine Le Pen could take her frightening 20% Vichy votes and throw them to Sarkozy.

Meanwhile, the French police have launched a transvaginal probe into the Twitter Election Revolution today, and everyone will be guillotined.

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Today we are having a Very Serious Conversation about how liberals are very uncivil and mean and terrible and vulgar, because a restaurant in Virginia very nicely asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders to GTFO, due to how she is an atrocious liar who works for a fascist. (The restaurant comped the cheese plates that had already been served.) Meanwhile the president is threatening 79-year-old black congresswomen on Twitter and ripping babies away from their parents and just generally being a fascist. BOTH SIDES DO IT, ISN'T THAT RIGHT, VERY SERIOUS PUNDITS?

Point is, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is doing her first White House press briefing in a week, assuming she doesn't wuss out like she always does. Will she lie? Will she cry? Will she be a sack of shit like she always is? Most importantly, has she managed to find a meal since she was kicked out of the Red Hen? We certainly hope she's managed to find a Chick-fil-A or something, as we wouldn't want Our Sarah to be forced to give a press briefing while hangry.

Let's liveblog and see what a foul asshole SHS feels like being today:

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Last week, Nicole Arteaga of Peoria, Arizona received the devastating news from her doctor that her baby's development had stopped and that pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. Given the option of either a D&C or prescription medication, she chose to go with the prescription. Then, like all normal people do when they get a prescription, she went to a pharmacy to have it filled.

Unfortunately for her, Brian Hrenuic -- the pharmacist at the Walgreens she went to -- refused to give her that prescription, because he opposed it on "moral grounds."

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