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French Resistance Encodes Election Results On Twitter: The Dwarf Has Pawned His Rolex

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In the land of perpetual ennui, where humor is not a cultural norm, the French had their first round of presidential elections yesterday, and also their second revolution. This time, they didn't have to show up at the Bastille with burning baguettes, they just stayed in their pajamas and revolted on Twitter, flouting la loi which bans the publication of election results before 8pm on election day. If you do, you'll be slapped with a €75,000 fine ($99,000) and do time in La Conciergerie, where Marie Antoinette ate her horsey cake.


But a certain provocateur marcvasseur asked his friends to come up with a Twitter hash tag to communicate coded election results, and #RadioLondres, for Charles de Gaulle's WWII coded radio broadcasts to the French Resistance, was hatched.

Nicolas Sarkozy, the incumbent, was Rolex (for gaucheness), the dwarf/midget (he's been busted many times either standing on his tippy toes or on a little box in order to appear taller next to his wife, chanteuse Carla Bruni, or the Obamas), Budapest (he's Hungarian) and of course, Napoleon (he is a gauche Hungarian dwarf/midget).

Francois Hollande, the Socialist candidate (and winner of round one) was Flanby (a wobbly packaged flan dessert). The third-place crazy nationalist and immigrant hater (and daughter of the 2007 third-place candidate, KKK bosom pal Jean-Marie Le Pen), Marine Le Pen, was called many bad names, with "Vichy" and "Nuremberg" being the baddest.

Sarkozy critics gleefully envisioned his impending eviction from the Élysée Palace: "The engines on Air Sarko One have started," "The Rolex is in the pawnshop," "Carla has opened an account on [French dating site] meetic," and finally, just before 7pm, at the height of that day's tweets-per-minute (16,662), melclalex tweeted Sarkozy's demise:

But Socialist Hollande, at 28.63 percent to Sarkozy's 27.18 percent, does not have the election in his Birkin bag. Marine Le Pen could take her frightening 20% Vichy votes and throw them to Sarkozy.

Meanwhile, the French police have launched a transvaginal probe into the Twitter Election Revolution today, and everyone will be guillotined.

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On Monday, Gloria Vanderbilt -- socialite, jeans lady, and mom of Anderson Cooper -- passed away at the age of 95. In more normal times, this would merely result in a few obituaries and tributes about her life, and the requisite few RIP tweets.

Unfortunately, we do not live in normal times. These days, no celebrity can die without it becoming the purview of the crazypants QAnon cult, followers of which believe that no one ever dies under normal circumstances, especially not 95-year-old ladies.

Vanderbilt and her family were already something of an obsession with these people due to several "Q proofs" accusing her of doing magic spells, wearing magic illuminati owl necklaces, and [checks notes] doing something involving "red shoes," which the QAnon people think people only wear if they love sacrificing children to Satan.

Yes, this is a thing. No, I do not know if they are also mad at Elvis Costello.

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