Fuck Yes, We'll Read Hope Hicks's Diary
HEY GUYS, MORE BREAKING ROBERT MUELLER NEWS, and it is that he is asking witnesses whether Jared Kushner's gross foreign business dealings have turned him into a compromised slut in the Russia investigation. We have spent a lot of time with DimpleButt McJaredCakes this week, though, and really it is very obvious that Mueller would be working diligently to get a nice long list of indictments ready on Ivanka's Prince, so fuck it, let's talk about Hope Hicks some more.
Important journalism newspaper The Daily Mail reports that, within hours of Hicks announcing she was quit-firing herself from the president's warm embrace, she was immediately showered with offers of real American cash money to tell her story. A big publisher in New York said, "I would like to give you 10 million ameros." A lady producer in Hollywood said, "I also too have ameros to put in the pockets of your Janelle Monae tuxedo, let's make movies!" And then after that, a whole bunch more people said, "We HOPE you will accept millions of dollars from us, HOPE!"
This is very good, because according to Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman, The Audacity Of Hope has racked up "substantial legal fees" and is in "immense personal jeopardy" because of the Mueller investigation. $10 million minus "substantial" equals ... still a lot of dollars probably!
But will she do it? Will she tell all the secrets about what it's like to constantly have to smell Donald Trump's skin flakes and cut his Big Macs into bite sized pieces for him? Who knows! But according to "White House insider" quoted in the Daily Mail, Hope Hicks is basically James Comey with boobies and high heels, because she has kept a "detailed diary of her White House work, and her interactions with the president." WOULD READ.
Of course, as Daily Mail notes, Hicks is very devoted to Donald Trump AND with Trump there are always nondisclosure agreements AND Robert Mueller may have already laid claim to all her Trump secrets, so it might not happen. But maybe it will!
We just hope it is not full of "white lies" if/when she decides to write it, because we do not want to read any of the "white lies" she apparently tells all the time.
Speaking of that, there are more details about that whole episode in the House Intelligence Committee (HPSCI) where Hopester admitted to lying for the president. The day of her testimony, we assumed she was just going to stay tight-lipped and nothing would happen, so we wrote a very serious post suggesting which members of HPSCI Hope Hicks should go on speed dates with, because she is single and ready to mingle now that she's kicked wife-beater Rob Porter to the curb. In that post, we very unkindly and for no reason in particular forbade Democratic Rep. Eric Swalwell of California from speed dating her, choosing the adorable Rep. Jim Himes of Connecticut as a more appropriate Democratic suitor.
(Then Swalwell followed us on Twitter, like all patriotic Americans should, and we immediately felt bad for not allowing him to date Hope Hicks in our very serious blog post. We are sorry if we hurt Eric Swalwell's feelings!)
WELL, turns out Mr. Swalwell was the fucking STAR of that show, because it was he who advanced the line of questioning about whether Trump had ever asked Hicks to lie for him, and his Republican colleagues are pissed about it. Check it:
In a phone interview on Wednesday, U.S. Rep. Tom Rooney, R-Florida, fired an opening salvo by saying the line of questioning began with "a bullsh*t question" posed by a Democrat.
"The whole line of questioning was a trap," said Rooney, who recently announced he would not run for re-election. "They sent her down a rabbit hole that she could not get out of. And it was completely unfair."
In a separate interview, the Democrat who led the questioning, U.S. Rep. Eric Swalwell, D-California, fired back, "it's a question that is asked of witnesses every day across America – and most people don't have a hard time answering it."
MEOW. Anything else, Twitter friend Eric Swalwell?
"If your response to the question, 'Have you ever been asked by your boss to lie for him?' is to take two time outs, we already know the answer to the question" ...
LOLOL, we take it all back, Eric Swalwell is allowed to speed date Hope Hicks ANY OLD TIME HE WANTS.
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