Gather Ye Papers, It's Cinco De Mayo

Now that it is illegal to be brown in Arizona, who knows how much longer we will be able to legally celebrate Cinco de Mayo, the Mexican Christmas. Seeing as how no one really likes Mexicans anymore, we can imagine that any celebrations today may be a bit awkward, but hey, the Mexican army did beat the French army after all, and their descendants do such a good job raising rich white babies nowadays that it would be a shame not to celebrate their great contributions to our culture: sombreros, margaritas, and Dos Equis beer. And if you're embarrassed to be celebrating this vilified group, take comfort in the fact that if you're celebrating in DC, you're probably not celebrating with anyone of actual Mexican descent anyway. Ole!

If anyone asks, you're out celebrating the 5th of May, a day that just happens to be one of your favorites, for no reason at all. (hint: it's not Mexican Independence Day)

  • Masa 14: This newish spot on 14th street is particularly qualified to host a Cinco de Mayo celebration because it has a really long bar and serves Latin/Asian food. Tonight from 5PM-2AM you can enjoy any of their 130 varieties of tequila, or opt for a $5 exotic margarita (like blueberry and tamarind) or a tequila tasting sampler that includes three separate shot glasses filled with limejuice, homemade Sangrita, and El Jimador Silver Tequila.
  • One Lounge: The International Club of DC is hosting a party at One Lounge, which means there may actually be real live Mexicans at the party. Huzzah! The lounge is offering drink specials, which is good, because their drinks are normally rather overpriced.
  • Town Tavern: If you're really serious about showing your solidarity with brown people by going all out this Cinco De Mayo, look no further than Town Tavern. The bar is offering an all you can drink special that includes domestic beers and rail drinks tonight from 8-10PM and throughout the night they will be offering $3 Coronas, $3 Tequila Sunrises and $6 Ambhar Tequila Shots.
  • Ceiba: For the weak Cinco de Mayo is but one day, but for the restaurant Ceiba it's an eight day celebration, just like Hanukkah. They've been celebrating Cinco de Mayo since May 1, and tonight they will be offering $5 margaritas and $5 "street food" including tamales and tacos al pastor. Through Saturday, you can indulge in their celebratory four-course tasting menu for $39, or $59 with beverage pairing. [Ceiba]
  • Cafe Citron: Citron's celebration includes salsa music, giveaways, and drink specials like $5 Jose Cuervo margaritas, $2 shots of tequila, $2 bottles of Dos Equis (which is super cheap!), and $5 Red Bull and vodka drinks, making it one of THE BEST celebrations in the District.
  • The Ocho: According to legendary website BYT, Cinco de Mayo is meant to be celebrated on Saturday with a bunch of hipsters, DJ's, the Mariachi Band from Haydee's, swimming, and a nacho-eating contest. Their Summer Camp Series returns this Saturday with "The Ocho," a belated Cinco de Mayo pool party that they insist will be way better than any of the one-time Cinco de Mayo parties you went to.

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