Gay Marriage Killing Straight Parents Everywhere, Quick, Someone Save The Children


The Supreme Court yesterday heard oral arguments in Hollingsworth v. Perry, the Prop 8 gay marriage case. It was to be an intriguing day for observers of the anti-gay movement, because when you go before the Supreme Court, you are not allowed to use arguments like "gays are gross" and "Jesus does not like this," on account of those are not really legal arguments for anything. How would they justify the ban? Oh, the suspense!

As it turns out, "the essential thrust" of the anti-marriage argument was some nonsense about procreation, which was not really very interesting to us folks soaking up the last nonsensical defenses of blatant discrimination before they all get shuffled out of the courts and into annoying message boards where they belong.

But an argument outside the court, made by the Family Research Council at the "March for Marriage," was far more interesting: Gay marriage, you see, is ripping parents away from children! Why isn't anybody considering the children?! You just want them to be raised by, who, gays? Yeah, right.

Take it away, FRC Senior Fellow For Mindless Bigoted Jabbering Cathy Ruse:

I am a lawyer and I work in public policy, but today I speak to you as a mom. Let me ask you: Can you imagine what your life would have been like without your mom? It's almost impossible to imagine.

No need to listen to this bit, children of America's 1.7 million single dads. Your imaginations are not useful here, go back to your awful life.

What if someone could turn back the clock, and without asking your permission, take away your mother. How unjust that would be. How cruel. What a violation of your rights.

The argument so far: "Do you support time-traveling mother-murderers? Well that's what gay marriage is."

And yet, if marriage is redefined by the Court it will mean that mothers don't really matter to children, and neither do fathers.

Moms don't matter? Dads don't matter? NOBODY MATTERS?! What, do you want your children raised by wolves? GAY WOLVES?

The same-sex marriage debate is always framed in terms of the 'rights' of the adults, and never of the children. The children have no voice in this debate. They don't even seem to count.

-Letting abusers get married: No problem.

-Letting Ted Bundy get married from prison: Welp, it's a free country.

-Letting perfectly stable gay people get married: What are you trying to do, kill someone?!

It's a serious question: Why is no one standing up for the rights of the homophobic children? They hate their parents, because they're being condemned to grow up all weird and be into leather and stuff, because of gayness.

Today the Justice Department is arguing before the Court that same-sex couples 'divide childcare ... evenly' and are 'satisfied' with their childcare arrangements.

Well what about the children, are they satisfied?

First of all, that's not really anybody's argument for gay marriage, because that is stupid and has nothing to do with marriage. But yes — are the children satisfied? Someone should ask them! A British 8-year-old being raised by lesbians seemed pretty cool with it last month, as was 19-year-old Zach Wahls, who had the nerve to suggest in 2011 that "My family eats together, goes to church on Sunday and goes on vacations, just like you... The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero effect on the content of my character."

Clearly, it did have an effect, as he sounds like a real asshole.

We are not thinking of the children. Why is no one in the media reporting on the well-attended public speeches of the anti-gay children of gay parents? It's common knowledge that children being raised by gay people hate it, and would much rather be hanging out in Chinese orphanages and the American foster system. They're standing up every day, waving American flags and saying, "No one should have let my parents adopt me, they are awful and gay."

As a mom, I find the administration's indifference to the importance of mothers offensive.

Important note: It is a legitimate argument to be offended "as a mom," but if you are offended "as a gay" you are just trying to destroy the fabric of society with rainbow flags and pinky rings. Only moms count. Straight moms. Who are married. To men.

I have two daughters, and on behalf of daughters everywhere I call it an injustice.

Don't worry, daughters, Cathy Ruse is speaking on your behalf! Except for you, Daughters Who Happen To Be Gay. Cathy Ruse thinks you should go fuck yourself. (AND NOT EACH OTHER.)

All people are capable of loving children, but all the love in the world can't turn a mother into a father or a father into a mother.

You hear that, people not in heterosexual, dual-parent households? Love is not enough. You might think it is, in that you are happy and doing ok with your life and everything, but it's not. There is only one combination that works, and it's the one in the Bible: A man and a woman are supposed to raise a child, and if he turns out all shitty, you stone him to death. It's the only way.

It's like that time Mensa spokesman Dan Quayle took on fictional single mother Murphy Brown for "mocking the importance of fathers" — any time there is a child without a father, that is an insult to fathers everywhere.

Likewise, a child being raised by two fathers should make every mother feel awful — almost as awful, in fact, as the THREE fathers on a different morally corrupt television show:Look at those kids. LOOK AT THEM. It doesn't matter that their mother was killed by a drunk driver, because they are being raised by three men, including one who plays the guitar, which means the moms of the world are useless.

And those Full House kids' lives were ruined, really, even when they got to hang out with the Beach Boys, because there was not a lady around. Moms teach kids how to iron and cook, and dads teach kids how to mow the lawn and drink beer — we can't just be looking at people as people, stupid, that's what we have irrational gender roles for.

If the Supreme Court re-defines marriage, it will commit a permanent and virtually irreversible injustice against the children, who have no voice in the matter, but who matter the most.

That's the end of the speech. Here's the takeaway: All gays are bad parents — that's science. People who get married are allowed to adopt kids. Ergo, gays should not be allowed to get married, lest they try to burden innocent children with their counterfeit parental queer-love.

You should not be bothered by this whole argument against gay marriage actually being an argument against gay child-rearing — the point is that we do not want to be insulting straight parents. For the children.


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