Gay People: Do They Exist? A Conundrum Wrapped In A Riddle Rammed Down Your Throat!
Lighthouse Baptist Church in Fayetteville, Arkansas, has taken to annoying some of its neighbors by going door to door and dropping off fliers. Fliers for a church bake sale or pot-luck? Hahahaha no. Do not be silly.
These fliers are about the gays, and God's opinion of them. "Does God Love Homosexuals?" the flier asks.
BUT ALAS. It is a trick question.
"This is a flawed question, there are no such things as Homosexuals."
The flier then goes on to explain that while everyone is definitely heterosexual, some of these heterosexual people choose to sin by having same-sex relationships. You know, because it's totally possible to just change your orientation by sheer force of will -- and, surely, lots of people out there are more than happy to choose a sexual orientation that can lead to being discriminated against by their family members and local bakers and also this dumb church. For reasons.
The good news, of course, is that God -- who is totally not imaginary -- loves all sinners. And that Pastor Paul Caldwell of Lighthouse Baptist Church also loves all the LGBT people, even though they don't exist. He loves them so much that he is willing to tell them that God doesn't like the sex they are having. Isn't that nice?
Fayetteville's NBC Affiliate reports:
"Our church loves the LGBT community, hence the reason we have decided since Spring 2014 to reach out to them. This is just another avenue we are trying," Caldwell says.
Pastor Caldwell says these flyers are not mean to convince those who have made their mind up about this issue, but instead for those confused about the Christian response.
"To them it is simply a reminder that God loves them, and if I were to truly love them then I must tell them the truth," Caldwell said.
So loving! So much love for all the gay imaginary friends he has! Who probably didn't even know that they could choose to be heterosexual if they wanted, or that having sex with people they are not even attracted to, for the purposes of entering the kingdom of heaven, was even an option.
You see, this kind of perspective is very convenient for people like Pastor Paul Caldwell. If they are shitty to gay people, it doesn't count as them not being loving, because you cannot be shitty to something that is imaginary. Try being mean to leprechauns! I dare you! You cannot do it! It is impossible.
Caldwell's daughter, by the by, is currently being courted by none other than Joseph Duggar! Oh what a beautiful melding of families.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse