Substitute teachers! Most of the time they were fun. You played some "heads up seven up," convinced them your last name was pronounced in various bizarre ways ("It's pronounced Smith, the everything is silent"), and generally had to do less real work than when the actual teacher was in. Unfortunately, for one fifth grade class at Deerfield Elementary School in Cedar Hills, Utah last week, their substitute teacher was not so much fun as she was a mean, vicious homophobic nightmare person.
Being that it was right before Thanksgiving, said substitute teacher decided to go around the classroom and ask all the kids to say what they were thankful for — along with hand-shaped turkeys, a fairly traditional activity. The kids varyingly said they were thankful for things like dogs and having the day off from school and things like that until eventually, she got to one boy who said "I'm thankful that I'm finally going to be adopted by my two dads."
That's nice, right? A kid getting adopted! What kind of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person would be a jerk about that? This broad, apparently.
Let the orgies and tree worship begin!
Wingnut America is having itself a fine pity party after Chick-fil-A announced Monday that starting January 1, its charitable foundation would no longer donate to two organizations that oppose gay rights, the Salvation Army and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. in the future, Chick-fil-A says it will focus its giving on groups that address education, homelessness and hunger, like Junior Achievement USA and Covenant House International, plus donations to local food banks.
Wingnut fundamentalists took the news calmly, saying they were disgusted to see the fast food company insult Jesus Christ like that by knuckling under to liberal cancel culture, and loudly proclaiming they'd never set foot in a Chick-fil-A again. Here's SuperChristian HeteroGuardian and moral pest Matt Walsh, who has previously fretted about little kids being gay-indoctrinated by purple hippopotamus unicorns. Walsh was deeply, personally hurt about it all damn day!
And those first two were among the relatively tame reactions. For a more unhinged take, let's turn to ... oh, how about Matt Walsh AGAIN. Not only did Chick-fil-A capitulate to the Evil Leftist Gays, it actually betrayed Jesus Christ Himself!
To be fair, Walsh had all morning to work himself up into a lather between the first and last tweets. Later in the day, he may have accused Chick-fil-A of personally participating in the Crucifixion; we didn't see.
Seems like a bad idea, too bad it's not an ethics violation.
Some Supreme Court justices just can't stop being bigots.
Last week not one, but two justices with lifetime appointments to the highest court in the United States decided it would be fun to hang out with the leader of an anti-LGBTQ hate group at the Supreme Court. In the same term as SCOTUS is set to decide three important cases that will likely set the tone for decades to come.
So that's all just great.
We do not need another one.
Say it ain't so, Pete.
In an interview with Cosmo this week, Mayor Pete Buttigieg decided to talk about his plans for the Supreme Court by ... praising former Supreme Court Justice and lifelong Republican Anthony Kennedy, who stepped down so Donald Trump could put Brett Kavanaugh on the Court.
So I've floated several ideas and deliberately kept some level of open-mindedness about which ones are going to work best. One of them would be to have 15 members, but 5 of them can only be seated if the other 10 unanimously agree. The idea here is you get more justices who think for themselves. Justices like Justice Kennedy or Justice Souter, and there are many legal scholars who think this could be done without a constitutional amendment under current law.
Where to start?
Jolly good job!
Chik-Fil-A is known for two things: chicken sandwiches and ardent homophobia. Reportedly, their chicken sandwiches are very good (I would not know), which is probably why they have managed to continue selling them even in parts of the US that one would generally consider rather inhospitable to CEO Dan Cathy's views and habit of donating money to anti-gay organizations. There are at least three of them right here in Chicago. I don't know who is buying them, or why, when we have so many other quality chicken options here (I mean... Harold's exists and they deliver. So does Popeye's if you are looking for a fast food option), but someone is.
But you know where they are damn well not buying any homophobic chicken sandwiches? The U.K.!
Beto would still win this fight.
Last night, during CNN's Equality Town Hall, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O'Rourke declared that as president he'd revoke the tax-exempt status for religious organizations that oppose marriage equality. Same-sex marriage is perfectly legal, has been for years. O'Rourke's position defends law-abiding citizens instead of providing aid and comfort to bigots. (It'd be a lot more constitutional to revoke all churches' tax exempt status instead of passing judgment on their individual creeds, so we should probably do that instead.) Predictably, conservatives are all up in arms today, and by this, I mean, they are literally threatening armed revolt. This is probably why O'Rourke wants to take away their guns.
Ben Shapiro, the living ventriloquist dummy from a "Twilight Zone" episode, claimed on his show today that O'Rourke finds the mere existence of religious people "offensive." That's not what Beto said. Unlike queer Americans, religious people can choose a non-bigoted lifestyle. We don't have to electrocute them or anything. Shapiro warned O'Rourke against starting a "culture war" and tearing apart a nation that was otherwise getting along so well.
The omissionary position isn't helping.
Congratulations, America! With a giant festering pustule occupying the White House and getting an infectious ooze on everything he touches, America in 2018 achieved a record high number of infections from three sexually transmitted diseases, according to a new report from the US Centers For Disease Control. The CDC reports more than 2.1 million combined cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia! Way to go! Now that the Trump administration's gag rule on family planning funding for groups that so much as mention abortion has led Planned Parenthood to drop out of the Title X program, we can certainly look forward to a quick end to STD outbreaks, as crisis pregnancy centers take up the slack and tell people not to fuck, ever.
Duffy introduced the bill as his last act in Congress.
Back in August, Sean Duffy announced that he would be retiring from Congress, citing his wife, Rachel Campos-Duffy, complications with her pregnancy, and medical issues for their unborn ninth child. Given this, it's not surprising that he wants to leave a legacy, an enduring reminder of the kind of politician he was. This Monday, he officially resigned, but not before introducing a bill (H.R. 442) to "protect the lives of unborn gay children" by making it illegal to abort a gay fetus.
Duffy, unsurprisingly, has a history of trying to derail LGBTQ rights — from opposing same-sex marriage to opposing laws barring employment discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity.
Yes, and about everything else, but we decided to focus on the one thing.
Ben Shapiro, the rightwing thought leader who thinks stupid things, has just about had it with you killjoy liberals and your insane social engineering schemes to turn America into the worst place on Earth. And that's why he's taking a very principled stand against the latest liberal outrage against all that's good and holy: pronouns. Yes, really. Sorry, Ben, you're almost two months behind Peggy Noonan on this one. Not to mention a few years behind much of the rest of America, even universities in the South, where referring to people the way they'd like to be referred to is considered polite to trans people and everyone else, not a sign of coming tyranny. (Everything is tyranny for these guys, except for when they want to lock certain people up forever.)
Still, it's a sin to waste a Ben Shapiro snit, so let us observe Mr. Facts Don't Care About Your Feelings and his mighty, fact-based brain at work:
First off, in this age of deepfakes and other video trickery, we should demand proof that this is actually Ben Shapiro talking all staccato and spitty-like, and not an AI simulation that's been snorting digital Adderall. That's some unnaturally fast bullshit delivery there.
Also describes himself as 'gorgeous wife' in his Twitter bio.
Beto O'Rourke had a good debate last night. First of all, he was warned beforehand that he was not allowed to say his normal campaign speech, which is "COCK DICK MOTHERFUCKER PISS WHISTLE BOOTIE HOLE WEENER WEENER WEENER" -- fits on a long bumper sticker! -- because there wouldn't be a delay to bleep out his naughtiness, and he mostly remained cuss-free! Candidates on the stage seemed like they were having a competition to say nice things to Beto, specifically about how amazing he's been speaking out after the horrific mass terrorist shooting in his hometown of El Paso. We reckon that while Beto may not be in striking distance of becoming one of the frontrunners in the presidential race, he's about at the front of the pack when it comes to the veepstakes, especially if somebody like Warren wins. (Those frontrunners are not idiots. They would like to win Texas.)
And one of Beto's big moments came when he was asked if he was FOR REAL when he said he was gonna grab yer guns, specifically your AR-15s and your AK-47. His answer? Fuck yes he is. Or rather, because he was not allowed to say cusses, FUDGE YEAH!
Solid logic from the White House's token gay quisling Judd Deere.
Good news, everyone! According to the Official White House Self-Loathing Gay Homosexual, Mike Pence doesn't hate gays, because he ate some Beanie Weenies* with Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, who is known to be gay.
Oh, to be a gay Republican quisling, with such a low bar for acceptance that you think America's viciously anti-gay vice president doesn't really hate you, just because he deigned to eat a sandwich with a world leader.
Still this in 2019? Yes, still this in 2019.
Carl and Angel Larsen of St. Cloud, Minnesota, don't like gay people, and they REALLY don't like gay weddings. In fact, they hate gay weddings so much they sued to be exempted from a civil rights law, so their business could openly discriminate against same-sex couples. And now, ruling in their favor in Telescope Media Group v. Lucero, a federal court has given them the go-ahead.
The Larsens own Telescope Media Group (TMG) and they want to expand their business to start videotaping weddings. But because their religion apparently requires them to be homophobic, they only want to tape straight weddings. This is prohibited by the Minnesota Human Rights Act (MHRA), which bans discrimination in public accommodations on the basis of sexual orientation. Basically, when a business is open to the public, it isn't allowed to discriminate.
Along with discriminating against same-sex couples, the Larsens want to include a disclaimer about how much they hate gay weddings on their website, saying:
Because of TMG's owners' religious beliefs and expressive purposes, it cannot make films promoting any conception of marriage that contradicts its religious beliefs that marriage is between one man and one woman, including films celebrating same-sex marriages.
Because gay married people don't deserve to celebrate and be happy, obviously.
And let's also discriminate against all women while we're at it, because why not?
Trump's DOJ is at it again! In a brief filed Friday, the Department of Justice argues to the Supreme Court in Harris Funeral Homes vs. EEOC that trans people deserve to be discriminated against. It also throws in some arguments that would allow all kinds of discrimination against all women, because why not?
Somehow, the DOJ's brief managed to be even worse than I expected.
Their logic seems to rest on two main contentions. First is that a transgender woman is actually a man who can legally be forced to present as male in the workplace. Second is that transgender people, as a class, can legally be discriminated against. They also argue that the court ruling for the woman in this case, who was fired simply for being a transgender woman, "would transform Title VII into a blanket prohibition on all sex-specific workplace practices" -- and that, apparently, is a bad thing.
AT LEAST NOT YET.
WHEW, for all you Christian heterosexual mommies and daddies out there, you need to just breathe a sigh of relief and say a "thank you" prayer to your lucky Ted Nugent Jesus painting, because Phil Vischer, the co-creator of "Veggie Tales," has confirmed in an interview with the Christian Post that the official Vegetables of Christ will not be doing gay butt stuff like all the other kiddie TV shows are also not doing.
However, he warns that the Jesus shows for kids are gonna have to start telling kids gays are gross at some point, because all the godless kiddie shows are saying gays are awesome. You know, like that program from the devil's workshop "Arthur":
Vischer, who today hosts "The Holy Post" podcast and "The Mr. Phil Show" on RightNowMedia, said when the PBS children's show "Arthur" featured a same-sex wedding, there was a "shot heard through the Christian parenting world."
"The most striking thing about that episode of Arthur wasn't that they thought it was time to introduce kids to gay marriage; it was the reaction of all the kids on the show," he said. "None of them asked questions about why two men were getting married. Their reaction was, 'Oh, OK! Great!'"
"It's such a strong message of, well kids, of course you're fine with gay marriage, because there's nothing to question about it," Vischer continued. "That's a little more concerning."
It would have been OK if there was at least one little cartoon bigot, we guess, who was upset about the gay cartoon rat gay marrying the gay cartoon aardvark. And maybe the cartoon bigot could have done something Christian, like encourage his teacher to go to an "ex-gay" indoctrination camp and come out suicidal, like Christian bigots do to gays in real life. Maybe the cartoon bigot could have started a petition to get Mr. Ratburn fired from his job. At the very least the cartoon bigot could have paraded around waving a "God Hates Fags" sign.
But the "Arthur" creators just don't care, do they?
This is so fucking embarrassing.
Splendid news for Donald Trump, everybody! His gays have decided they enjoy being punched in the face, and therefore they are endorsing his re-election in 2020. Hooray! The Log Cabin Republicans (LCR) didn't endorse Trump in 2016, but now everything has changed, we guess. After all, the president isn't gay-bashing them right this second, and that's literally the most "tolerance" they expect in life, because they don't in their heart of hearts believe they deserve to be treated with full dignity and respect. Mazel tov!
Of course, they're framing it differently, because denial:
Ah, the power of low expectations. He hit them, and it really did feel like a kiss!
Just like a prayer ... your voice can take me there ...
The world is terrible and Donald Trump The White Supremacist is in El Paso trying to "console" the families of victims his rhetoric helped murder, and the economy is fucked, and Rep. Joaquin Castro is causing Maggie Haberman to be even less self-aware than usual. In times like these, you know what we need to do? Take cheap shots at Mike Pence.
You see, Brother Pence, who is married to Mother Pence, has a message for us. Or at least his message was for the viciously anti-gay Alliance Defending Freedom clown law outfit, and it was that when you're weary, feeling small, when tears are in your eyes, you should just make like a common Mike Pence and get down on your knees and STAY THERE.
And while you're down there! Well, we guess you should do whatever Mike Pence does while he's down there.
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