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Mike Pence Embarasses Himself (Again). Wonkagenda For Mon., Feb. 18, 2019

Andy McCabe goes on 60 Minutes, Heather Nauert quit-fired, and LA's 'army of cats.' Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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SCOTUS

Checkmate, Libs: 7 Morons From Kansas Decide Gay People Are A Religion!

Which by their rules mean gay people can do ANYTHING? But ... not?

It has been over three-and-a-half years since the Supreme Court found, in Obergefell v. Hodges, that gay people have the right to marry. Most people who were opposed to this, we thought, have since gotten their divorces (because of how unspecial their marriages feel now) and moved on to yelling at trans people for going to the bathroom. And yet there are still a few holdouts, searching in the shadows for a perfect, unassailable legal argument that will reverse everything and make everything go back to the way it used to be. Back when they could look themselves in the mirror and say, "Look at you! You may not be smart, or funny, or talented in any way -- but you are legally better than an entire group of people! The law says you are special!"

Or, you know, whatever the hell is they got out of it, I don't know.

Anyway, some lawmakers in Kansas think they've finally created a bill with a genius legal argument that would not only allow them to ban same-sex marriage again, but also make it legal to discriminate against all LGBTQ people, keep trans people out of bathrooms, eliminate any government funding for gender-affirming medical treatment, and keep drag queens out of library story time. That legal argument is that LGBTQ people are actually a religion, and that by giving them the same rights as everyone else, the United States is violating the establishment clause of the First Amendment. Strange, given that people of their ilk usually deny that such a clause even exists. Plus the fact that they usually believe (and a rightwing Supreme Court has agreed) that "religion" usually means you can do whatever the hell you want. We are going out on a limb that these people are not great "thinkers."

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News

ANOTHER Government Shutdown!?! Wonkagenda For Mon., Feb. 11, 2019.

Trump demands WALL (again), everyone is still talking about Jeff Bezos's dick pics, and so much more. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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popular

Republican Creeper Claims He Is Being Persecuted By Gay People Who Won't Let Him Persecute Them.

He is comparing them to the KKK, because that makes sense.

Meet Eric Porterfield, who just may be the dumbest sonofabitch in all of West Virginia. If not the world. This week, the GOP delegate has made headlines for comparing gay people to the KKK. Why? How? What?

Allow me to explain. To the best of my ability.

Porterfield is currently championing a law that would ban counties in West Virginia from enacting laws that protect LGBTQ people from housing and employment discrimination. Which he claims is discrimination against... I don't know, bigots?

In defending this law on Wednesday, he explained:

It is true that to not pass this amendment would be discriminating against people who have either religious convictions or who don't want to run their business the way a socialist-left agenda wants us to run it. [...]

"s legislators, I don't think it's our job to legislate behavior…This is discrimination against the first amendment and religious liberty, and the LGBT is the most socialist group and they don't protect gays.
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Science

Study: Trump Country Full Of School-Bullying Jerk Dicks!

Careful Donnie -- the children are listening.

In the wake of Donald Trump "winning" the 2016 election, there were all sorts of fun reports of increased hate crimes, plus any number of anecdotal reports from teachers about little kids either being terrified of the Orange Man or being taken from their parents. Not to mention reports of rotten white kids chanting "Donald Trump! Build that wall!" at brown kids during sportsball competitions. But none of that proves anything, because of course the Liberal Media's going to fixate on isolated incidents and ignore all the times Nancy Pelosi personally castrated Republicans like just this month.

To attempt to get some hard data on whether Trump's election has actually affected The Kids, a recent peer-reviewed study found that, in Virginia at least, areas that voted for Trump in 2016 saw an increase in school bullying while areas that voted for Hillary Clinton saw school bullying actually go down. Who woulda guessed?

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Post-Racial America

MAGA Assaults Jussie Smollett Just Like The KKK Would Because They Are The KKK Now

Oh, you didn't know?

"A Modern Day Lynching" are the words Kamala Harris used in describing the attack on actor and recording artist Jussie Smollett early Tuesday morning. Has America ever been known for having random randos jump out of the bushes to beat openly gay actors up because "This is MAGA country!!" before? Exactly. I'm pretty sure they used to say, "This is Klan Country, BOY!" before they beat you up and put a noose around your neck. Times sure have changed!

Remember that thing called "postracial" America? Well, you can go cry a river of bitter tears in remembrance, because it's dead, and it never was alive in the first place. For this week's edition of "Damn, I thought Mississippi Burning was a movie!" we shall discuss how it is that a couple of alleged MAGA Goonbros brutally assaulted "Empire" star Jussie Smollett right in the middle of the blackest place Trump knows of: Chicago.

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Post-Racial America

Wingnuts Spend Day Thinking About Lindsey Graham Naked, Blame Muslim Congresslady

The wingers only have one play, and they run it over and over and over.

Your Wonkette DGAF what Lindsey Graham does with his nasty bits. We have to write about all the ladies That Orange Idiot bumped his uglies with for work, and the last thing in the world we want to think about is the sex lives of any more evil, old Republicans. Clearly Senator Graham's sexual orientation is HIGHEST BIDDER, and that's all we have to say on the topic.

But we do care if Lindsey Graham's abrupt about-face on Donald Trump came about due to outside influence. Because in 2016, Lindsey Graham knew Donald Trump was a pathetic conman.

But the 2019 version pretends that the president's demented driblings are inspirational sermons and his dogged destruction of the post-war alliances that kept us out of a world war for 75 years is part of a grand strategic vision worthy of Churchill. FFS, yesterday Lindsey Graham voted in favor of allowing Oleg Deripaska's aluminum company to come off the sanctions list. Something's not right here.

So when new Congresswoman Ilhan Omar says, "They got to him," we're thinking she's not that far off the mark.

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News

For Some Dumb Reason Ellen Let A Homophobe Come On Her Show & Beg To Host The Gay Super Bowl

Kevin Hart wants second chance to host Oscars for the first time

Last month, Kevin Hart stepped down as host of this year's Academy Awards after a social media backlash over homophobic comments he'd made in past standup routines and on Twitter. The general audience for the Oscars are gay people, women whose best friends are gay, and the families of those nominated, so an anti-gay bigot as host was probably not the best fit.

Hart apparently had second thoughts -- not about his bigotry, mind you, but about turning away from such a plum gig. Maybe he quit in haste, but he couldn't just show up in a tux on Oscar night as if the whole thing never happened. (It didn't work out for George in that episode of Seinfeld.) So, Hart turned to America's favorite harmless lesbian Ellen DeGeneres for a six-minute speed redemption arc. The whole thing was pathetic. Hart received instant and unearned absolution like DeGeneres was some corrupt priest a mob boss buys off with sizable donations to the church.

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News

HOLY GRIFT! Send This Fox Creep Money For ... Literally No Reason At All

Fox lady wants gay couple to have to share their bathroom with her, maybe bake her a cake.

Don't let it be said that conservatives are unfeeling and incapable of compassion. They might collectively shrug when an immigrant child dies but their tear ducts activate at full blast whenever someone like them is mildly inconvenienced. Pardes Seleh, described as a "prominent conservative commentator" by very kind people, has become the poster girl for liberal cruelty in a time when decent people just want to kick back and relax while Donald Trump makes America great again.

Seleh tweeted Thursday morning that for the "second time" this week, she'd been "rejected from an apartment/house in DC" because she worked at Fox. She's also written for RedAlert Politics and The Daily Wire. We should clarify that Seleh wasn't turned down by a landlord but by individuals looking for a roommate. She attached to the tweet the very polite email rejection she'd received.

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Elections

'Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animal!' Wonkagenda For Thurs., Dec. 13, 2018

Michael Cohen's secrets, and Rudy Giuliani's (allegedly!) drunk texts! Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here are some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Culture

A Few Gentle Remarks About The Gay Quisling Federalist Idiot Whining About How Persecuted He Is

Meet Chad Felix Greene. He is very upset RN.

OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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popular

GOP Reluctantly Cancels Expert Witness Who Once Supported A Buttsex Tax

Whoops!

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.


In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"

EXTREME SHUDDER.

In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!


Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!

[Politico]

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Cops Behaving Badly

Dense Pence. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Dec. 6, 2018

The spies who loved Trump, more Republican election fraud, and Parliament airs Facebook's dirty laundry. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

New York Times Introduces Us To Dumbest F*cking Gay People In America

Worst. Cletus. Safari. EVER.

It's been over two years since Donald Trump was barely "elected" president thanks to Russia and our lovable-and-quirky Electoral College, and THANK GOD, the New York Times is still committed to introducing us to every goddamned fucking Trump supporter in America.

But unfortunately, the NYT (with reacharounds from Politico and every other piece of crap out there) seems to have run out of roadkill diners and Alabama hootenanny Jesus revival cousin swaps to use as backdrops for their Cletus safaris, so unfortunately it is just back in Manhattan. Specifically, NYT found the dumbest fucking people in Manhattan.

Meet Bill 'n' Bryan!

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Culture Wars

Trump Admin Will Protect 4-H Cows From Gay Kids

When it should be protecting them from Devin Nunes.

Remember when access journalist Maggie Haberman claimed Donald Trump would be a queer ally to the LGBT community? This wasn't quite Judith Miller level stupidity but it's starting to get there. The Trump administration has over the past two years proven overtly hostile to LGBT rights; they tried to bounce transgender soldiers from the armed forces and later attempted to completely "unperson" all trans people. Trump has never even acknowledged Pride month, unless you count his tweeting out support for a Supreme Court ruling in favor of a baker who refused to make a "gay" wedding cake.

Now, we learn the Trump administration doesn't even want LGBT kids in 4-H, the agriculture-oriented youth organization that teaches children responsibility and resiliency, the latter of which is especially useful if you're a LGBT kid in Trump's America. 4-H had published an inclusion guidance early this year that stated the group welcomed "all gender identities, gender expressions, sexual orientations and sexes."

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Everywhere Else News

Rake America Great Again. Wonkagenda For Mon., Nov. 19, 2018

Trump steps on a rake, the military starts building his wall, and Dan Crenshaw is still crying. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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