Class, Tucker Carlson has issues again.
If you are a man or a lady of letters, and are also versed in all internet traditions, you are likely aware of the famous satirical online web essay "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?" It's a monologue from The Onion, in the voice of a man who is just really fine with gay guys, he's just fine, but he's not gay, which leads to the conundrum in question. It's just that "wherever [he goes] these days" -- locker rooms, cruising spots in the woods -- he'd be just shooting the breeze, and before he knew it, a homosexual was sucking his cock! The narrator ends by saying that he really doesn't want to do this, but if it keeps happening, he's going to have to teach those homosexuals a lesson by fuckin' them right in their gay butt!
We wanted that great work of internet to be on your mind as you watch this video of Tucker Carlson talking about Pete Buttigieg last night. The words in all caps below the video are the actual words he said, and the clip is only eight seconds long, but luckily, it's looped, so that you may watch it for the rest of your natural life, if you so choose:
THEY WANT TO CONSUME HIM LIKE A HEARTY STEW.
EVERY LAST DROP OF BUTTIGIEG.
THEY'RE ALL IN.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez apparently has the day off from living rent-free in Tucker Carlson's disturbing psychosexual fantasies, and the role will be played by her understudy Pete Buttigieg dressed up for Halloween as a can of Slutty Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
This was just a really good interview.
That's right, Wonkers, it is time for another post about Mayor Pete Buttigieg, because everybody is feeling the BUTT-MENTUM, and you're just along for the ride! Yesterday, we all watched Mayor Pete's official campaign announcement speech, which made everybody cry a lot or something (FULL DISCLOSURE have not watched actually). On Monday night, Buttigieg was Rachel Maddow's guest, and they talked about pretty much everything, but what was most interesting to us, from our own gay perspective, was their rather personal talk about coming out and what that means just in general, and now especially for somebody who is legit running for president of the United States.
Maddow acknowledged at the beginning of the conversation that it was a bit different from other times when she's questioned candidates, because of how she herself is a lesbian and has personal experience with coming out. Maddow also noted that she and Buttigieg were both Rhodes scholars, and that she was the first openly gay American Rhodes scholar. Buttigieg, meanwhile, came out much later at 33. How did that work for him? Maddow said for her, personally, it would have killed her to stay in the closet so long. Her question, specifically, was was it hurtful to experience that much time in the closet.
Like we said, it's a different conversation from the one you're going to see with any of the other candidates, or a conversation with another journalist. It's almost a moment that, if we're being honest, as a gay person, feels intensely familiar. So it's more than a little bit surreal that it's a conversation with one of the higher-polling candidates in the Democratic primary:
Erick Erickson Says Pete Buttigieg Thinks Jesus Loves Bestiality, Which Is NOT A LICENSE TO F*CK GOATS, ERICK!
Come sit with us in Wonkette's Bible Study room.
"Goddammit, I have to Bible-splain Goatfucker now, don't I," said we, because that is how all of our Christian sermons begin.
Let us tell you why we are about to give Erick "Goatfucker" Erickson the what-for, though. Pete Buttigieg -- AKA Mayor Pete, AKA all kinds of sophomoric names we could give except for how the Chapo guys kinda ruined that for the entire internet this week -- is running for president. Mayor Pete is both a married 37-year-old gay man and a devout and outspoken Christian. And USA Today did a really great piece about Mayor Pete's faith, and his experience of it, which is not all that different from our own personal experience of it, as a 38-year-old gay man who is also a classical pianist, etc., and so forth.
"This is a nice article," we said to ourselves, after we read it. Mayor Pete said things like this:
Buttigieg criticized right-wing Christians for "saying so much about what Christ said so little about, and so little about what he said so much about."
This is just a true fact, and a good way of putting it. Those of us who were raised in the conservative Christian church and lived to tell the tale can tell you chapter and verse on how conservative Christian motherfuckers mangle scripture for their own bigoted purposes, all while setting forth a narrative that they and only they are "serious" about their faith.
His point, in case that wasn't clear enough, was this:
"When I think about where most of Scripture points me, it is toward defending the poor, and the immigrant, and the stranger, and the prisoner, and the outcast, and those who are left behind by the way society works. And what we have now is this exaltation of wealth and power, almost for its own sake, that in my reading of Scripture couldn't be more contrary to the message of Christianity. So I think it's really important to carry a message (to the public), knitting together a lot of groups that have already been on this path for some time, but giving them more visibility in the public sphere."
Conservatives dismiss it as pure unabashed liberal claptrap when we point out that Jesus -- you know, the guy the religion is named after -- literally would not STFU about protecting the poor, immigrants, outcasts, literally anyone shunned by society. It was kind of His thing. And He wasn't big on giving oneself the glory when you do those things you're supposed to be doing anyway, and you can see in Mayor Pete's discussion of his own religious faith that he feels the same way. After he cited his favorite Bible verse (the "least of these" one), he also cited Matthew 6:5, which begins, "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men." (KJV)
And yeah, the other half of Buttigieg's argument about what Jesus did and did not focus on is that it's kind of fucking mindblowing how these conservatives at the Church Of Holy Jesus No Buttfucking No Abortion House Of Prayer (when you're non-denominational, you can make up your own theology!) are so obsessed with two things Jesus didn't say a damn word about. The point is that if that was important to Jesus, you'd think He might have spared at least an aside during the Beatitudes, like "blessed are the poor, blessed are the meek, NO BONER GAMES WITH DUDES, OK?"
But He did not.
Now let's talk about Erick Goatfucker Erickson and his stupid Goatfucking article about Pete Buttigieg's faith.
Oh no, Mayor Pete's the next Obama, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.
David Brooks, whose opinion is worth roughly one Yugoslavian pfennig, wrote a glowing ode Monday to presidential wunderkind Pete Buttigieg. (Yes, it was April Fool's Day, but Brooks wasn't pulling a Comey.) The mayor of South Bend, Indiana, is the white male Democrat that Brooks has longed for while consistently voting for Republicans. He makes him feel "comfortable" and, most importantly, won't start a "culture war." However, like Barack Obama's, Buttigieg's very existence would likely fire the first shot for most conservatives.
Professional horrible person Laura Ingraham isn't wasting any time. She probably figures white people messed around and let Obama get elected, so she's going to start "othering" Buttigieg right away before he can turn everyone into a gay wedding cake. During her monologue on Tuesday's "The Ingraham Angle," she painted an Escher sketch of Buttigieg designed to scare the white hood off her viewers.
INGRAHAM: Meanwhile, the newest darling of journalists, Hollywooders and metro-lefties is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. Meet 37-year-old Pete Buttigieg -- Navy reservist, Harvard grad, Rhodes Scholar.
Why, yes, we'd love to meet someone who's just one of those things, and Buttigieg is all three! What's the catch?
INGRAHAM: And he's a married gay man, which means if he won the presidency, it would be a presidential first. And remember America likes firsts.
Conservatives like to paint sexual identity as some hip fad. Queer teens are still three times more likely to commit suicide than straight peers, but hey, the "metro-lefties" love them. Also, America does not in any way like "firsts," especially not in the Oval Office. After the first president, who by all accounts was a white man, there wasn't another "first" until Obama 220 years later. At this rate, we wouldn't have another "first" until the 23rd Century -- probably a Klingon born in Hawaii and probably still a dude.
And this is why LGBT people can't have equality, according to one of America's stupidest congressmen.
Gaetz, who is on the House Judiciary Committee because we guess that's the best the GOP has to offer, was in the first hearing for the Equality Act, which would codify LGBT civil rights protections into law -- finally -- and it's not that he doesn't want to support it. He does!
"I want to support this legislation and in the broadest sense I do," Gaetz said. "I believe that individuals in our country should not face discrimination for their sex or their gender or their sexual orientation."
But, you see, well ... did we mention Matt Gaetz is an incredibly stupid person? He's incredibly stupid. And he has zero understanding of the science around gender identity, and much like religious right fuckstains believe women get pleasure abortions in the ninth month just to stick it to Bible-beaters, he apparently also believes that people will use protections for transgender people to cheat the system, declaring new genders all willy nilly, whenever they find that it will suit their purposes or help them get ahead.
"I strongly support the rights of transgender individuals," he continued. "I will not denigrate or deny their struggles. But I am concerned about the potential bad actors who would exploit the provisions for their own gain."
And it's not just liberals he thinks are going to do this (though we imagine he guesses it's mostly liberals). It could even be noted Bad Actor Donald Trump! Who might fake transgender! (He would be the most tremendous transgender person ever! A lot of people would be talking about it! Historic!) What if Donald Trump just got up one morning and started making presidential proclamations on Twitter about how he enjoys being a girl? Wouldn't that kind of bogart breaking the glass ceiling for the first woman to be elected president? AND HOW WOULD THAT BE FAIR?
First, they came for the cakes.
On Monday afternoon, the Texas legislature cleared Senate Bill 17, a bill that would allow licensed professionals such as doctors, lawyers, mental health professionals, social workers, and teachers to discriminate against LGBTQ+ individuals -- or anyone else whose mere existence they believe somehow violates their deeply held religious views -- without losing their occupational licenses. Just like Jesus did in that famous scene in the Bible where he told all the gay lepers to get lost.
The bill is Lt. Governor Dan Patrick's baby, and one of a number of bills he's pushing this year meant to legalize discrimination against LGBTQ citizens of Texas in the name of "religious freedom."
He supports equality, sure, but not for everybody.
Senator Joe Manchin (D? -- West Virginia) announced yesterday he just can't bring himself to support national anti-discrimination protections for LGBTQ people because by gosh, it's got too much equality in it. That makes Manchin the sole Democrat in the Senate refusing to cosponsor the Equality Act, which would add protections for gender identity and sexual orientation to the Civil Rights Act and the Fair Housing Act. All other 46 Dems in the Senate signed on when the bill was introduced last week, but Joe Manchin says he just can't because what if trans kids in high school pee in a restroom bigots think they shouldn't pee in?
He was diplomatic about it though.
Some seemingly simple acts are so overtly awesome we must recognize and applaud them in these dark times. Ireland's Prime Minister Leo Varadkar visited Vice President Mike Pence at his official residence Thursday. Varadkar is gay. Pence is infamously anti-gay. This is probably why they met for breakfast, which is scientifically the least gay meal. Brunch was definitely off the table. Mother definitely wouldn't approve of Belgian waffles with Irish gays.
Heads of state dining with a US vice president is perfectly normal. So are queer folk, but Pence has dedicated his life to denying them their normality. Varadkar also brought a plus-one, his partner, Matthew Barrett. The Second Lady, Karen Pence, wasn't present for the breakfast. Maybe she was busy not teaching and definitely not working with LGBTs. The three men wore green ties for Ireland. Pence wore the ugliest one, which should put to rest the silly rumors that he's a self-loathing closet case.
Back in 2015, Varadkar came out publicly on his 36th birthday. His father was born in India and immigrated to the United Kingdom to work as a doctor, which is where he met Varadkar's mother. Varadkar was raised in his mother's Catholic faith and later became a doctor. He's a wonderful example of how immigration and diversity generate positive results for a nation, which many in America fail to see.
He's also quite the contrast to the absurdly skewed view of the Irish our absurd president chose to share later in the day.
Yesterday, the Washington Post flat-out refused to call out Pence for the bigot we all know he is. This particular paragraph is a profile in journalistic cowardice.
Varadkar is one of only a handful of openly gay world leaders. Pence, on the other hand, is a socially conservative Christian who has long been criticized by LGBTQ advocates for pursuing policies that they say hurt the gay community while he was governor of Indiana.
Pence has always attempted to stuff his blatant homophobia in the walk-in closet of his pious faith. LGBTQ advocates don't just claim his policies are hurtful to the gay community. They objectively are. It shouldn't violate journalistic standards to say flat out that opposing the freedom of queer people to marry who they choose or even urinate in a public restroom is an assault against their basic dignity.
However, Varadkar took a moment yesterday to speak truth to power in the presence of someone who, despite all the smiling civility, still doesn't view him as fully human. After some standard -- if you're not Trump -- diplomatic patter, Varadkar suddenly went full Prime Minister Hugh Grant from Love Actually.
VARADKAR: I lived in a country where if I'd tried to be myself at the time, it would have ended up breaking laws. But today, that is all changed. I stand here, leader of my country, flawed and human, but judged by my political actions, and not by my sexual orientation, my skin tone, gender or religious beliefs. And I don't believe that my country is the only one in the world where this is possible. It stands in every country where freedom and liberty are cherished. We are, after all, all God's children. And that's true of the United States, as well. The land and home of the brave of the free. Where the promise of America inspires boys and girls all over the world to dream big dreams. And inspires others around the world to do the same.
Ireland legalized same-sex marriage in 2015 through a constitutional referendum. This was about a month before the Supreme Court legalized it the US. Our asses are behind on everything. Pence was reportedly "disappointed" over the ruling before presumably crying in Mother's lap about it. He's a jerk.
What Varadkar did was bold and important. He could've let Pence use him as a prop. One that all the gay haters in the GOP could point to and say, "Look how nice the Pences treated that one prominent individual gay person!" Instead, he eloquently demonstrated how so-called "outsiders" sometimes understand the supposed promise of America better than its actual leaders. We hope that changes in 2020.
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Gay-hating VP is neither honorable nor decent.
Elizabeth Warren fully believes Donald Trump is terrible, but she's not delusional enough to think Mike Pence will prove some great relief. Trump's lickspittle vice president is no mild-mannered Gerald Ford who'll help end our current "long national nightmare." Pence is a queer-hating religious bigot. Warren intends to tell you this, very slowly and clearly, until everyone has wised up.
Warren was on "Morning Joe" yesterday, which is what we guess you have to do when you're running for president. Co-host Mika Brzezinski asked her if she thought
Brutus Pence was an "honorable man." Warren quickly and reflexively said, "No," as if Brzezinski had offered the Massachusetts senator Manhattan clam chowder. Brzezinski was seemingly stunned, because Democrats are expected to be "civil" and talk about their "friends across the aisle" as if the past 30 years of political history never happened. She asked Warren if she'd "like to expound upon that." Warren said, "Sure!" in that adorably enthusiastic way she has. She's up for any opportunity to tell the world why Pence ain't shit.
WARREN: Anyone who engages in the kind of homophobia and attacks on people who are different from himself is not an honorable person. That's not what honorable people do.
They will NOT be using any toilet paper used by gay men, ok?
You know how sometimes you hear stories about soldiers who got lost and never heard about a war ending, and so just kept fighting it for decades after it was over? If there is a cultural equivalent to that in America, it is the Nowhere Close To One Million Moms, an organization that seems to exist solely for the purpose of yelling at commercials and TV shows for featuring gay people or mentioning the word "sex."
A few weeks ago, Cottonelle launched a commercial for its flushable wipes featuring a gay couple, which is a pretty normal thing in this day and age, and not much of a thing to bat an eyelash at unless you are a giant freaking weirdo.
Cottonelle® DownThereCare: Meet His Parents TV Spot youtu.be
As is tradition, the One Million Moms and also some randos on the internet are VERY UPSET about this, because they had been laboring under the belief that toilet paper and flushable wipes were for straights only, and that gay people used like, leaves or something for butt-wiping purposes.
Poor Russ! How is his toilet paper going to feel special if gay people can use it too?
The Probably About Five Or So Moms have also launched a petition to let Cottonelle know that they are not happy with this commercial, or with another one featuring kids talking about flushable wipes. So far, it has been signed by the last 7,503 people in the world who are still mad about Ellen.
I urge Cottonelle and Kimberly-Clark Corporation to clean up your advertising. I was highly disappointed in your Commando ads, but now I am extremely offended that Cottonelle is both exploiting children and choosing to promote the normalization of homosexuality. Companies should be extremely cautious when casting minors in commercials. And with your product, it would safe to refrain from using children at all. It would also be wise to remain neutral on the controversial issue of homosexuality. I implore Cottonelle to stop producing inappropriate marketing campaigns and cancel commercials including children and controversial topics such as homosexuality immediately.
Of course, toilet paper commercials are not the only thing that's got the panties of the 12 Angry Dipshits in a bunch. They are also mad at a Walmart commercial that features a gay couple:
Walmart recently posted a video ad on its Facebook page of two homosexuals on a blind date. Unfortunately, the retail giant has decided to cave and be politically correct instead of remaining neutral on controversial issues. Founder, Sam Walton, would have never approved of this decision to promote the homosexual agenda.
The video ad normalizing the LGBT lifestyle is titled: "Love Is In The Aisle: A dating show at Walmart, episode 2." The ad features Pat and Andy meeting at Walmart and shopping while getting to know each other. Walmart also interviews Pat and Andy after their date.
Instead of remaining neutral in the culture war, Walmart decided to offend many of their conservative customers with their new video. You may view the video here if you have a Facebook login. Or if you do not use Facebook, the video description we provided hopefully will suffice.
And an ad for POM juice that, uh, mentions the word sex? And has a person doing yoga?
The newest POM Wonderful Antioxidant drink ad includes a woman doing yoga while the "Worry Monster" mascot talks to viewers.
"As Julie's Worry Monster, I couldn't wait for her 50th birthday," the monster says. "But instead of worrying, she does yoga and drinks POM. I thought we'd have more girls' nights reading the internet about diseases we could have. Don't even get me started on her sex life. It's perfect!"
As if that isn't disgusting enough, the description the company posted on YouTube reads: "Julie got healthy and started drinking POM Wonderful. Now her Worry Monster's worried about what's gotten into her."
Yeah, I don't know either.
Additionally, they're mad about a new show on TBS in which Steve Buscemi is playing God, which is weird because I would actually consider religion if Steve Buscemi were God. That would be pretty awesome! OH, and they're mad at Family Guy, because sure, why not?
They are also mad at Parents magazine for featuring a gay couple on the cover.
This agenda will be a deal breaker for most conservative families, so, with this information, many of our supporters and families may choose to cancel their subscription to Parents. After all, most conservative and Christian families will disagree morally with the magazine's decision, and subsequently, will not want to support its content.
Parents is the latest print media company to abandon what it does best in order to force a lifestyle on the American public that the medical community identifies as unhealthy. Rather than focusing on parenting tips, the publication shames Americans into embracing such a lifestyle.
And what "medical community" would that be?
LADIES (and Russ). Gay people are not "controversial." They exist! Companies cannot "remain neutral" on the existence of gay people anymore than Switzerland is still neutral in the World Wars. Like, the World Wars aren't happening anymore, and neither is this particular culture war. It is time to move on.
Besides. We all know that the most truly offensive toilet paper commercials are the ones with those smug ass bears.
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Jared calls his father-in-law, HHS says no kiddy fiddling in baby jails, and the shitshow at CPAC. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Andy McCabe goes on 60 Minutes, Heather Nauert quit-fired, and LA's 'army of cats.' Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Which by their rules mean gay people can do ANYTHING? But ... not?
It has been over three-and-a-half years since the Supreme Court found, in Obergefell v. Hodges, that gay people have the right to marry. Most people who were opposed to this, we thought, have since gotten their divorces (because of how unspecial their marriages feel now) and moved on to yelling at trans people for going to the bathroom. And yet there are still a few holdouts, searching in the shadows for a perfect, unassailable legal argument that will reverse everything and make everything go back to the way it used to be. Back when they could look themselves in the mirror and say, "Look at you! You may not be smart, or funny, or talented in any way -- but you are legally better than an entire group of people! The law says you are special!"
Or, you know, whatever the hell is they got out of it, I don't know.
Anyway, some lawmakers in Kansas think they've finally created a bill with a genius legal argument that would not only allow them to ban same-sex marriage again, but also make it legal to discriminate against all LGBTQ people, keep trans people out of bathrooms, eliminate any government funding for gender-affirming medical treatment, and keep drag queens out of library story time. That legal argument is that LGBTQ people are actually a religion, and that by giving them the same rights as everyone else, the United States is violating the establishment clause of the First Amendment. Strange, given that people of their ilk usually deny that such a clause even exists. Plus the fact that they usually believe (and a rightwing Supreme Court has agreed) that "religion" usually means you can do whatever the hell you want. We are going out on a limb that these people are not great "thinkers."
Trump demands WALL (again), everyone is still talking about Jeff Bezos's dick pics, and so much more. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
He is comparing them to the KKK, because that makes sense.
Meet Eric Porterfield, who just may be the dumbest sonofabitch in all of West Virginia. If not the world. This week, the GOP delegate has made headlines for comparing gay people to the KKK. Why? How? What?
Allow me to explain. To the best of my ability.
Porterfield is currently championing a law that would ban counties in West Virginia from enacting laws that protect LGBTQ people from housing and employment discrimination. Which he claims is discrimination against... I don't know, bigots?
In defending this law on Wednesday, he explained:
It is true that to not pass this amendment would be discriminating against people who have either religious convictions or who don't want to run their business the way a socialist-left agenda wants us to run it. [...]
"s legislators, I don't think it's our job to legislate behavior…This is discrimination against the first amendment and religious liberty, and the LGBT is the most socialist group and they don't protect gays.
Careful Donnie -- the children are listening.
In the wake of Donald Trump "winning" the 2016 election, there were all sorts of fun reports of increased hate crimes, plus any number of anecdotal reports from teachers about little kids either being terrified of the Orange Man or being taken from their parents. Not to mention reports of rotten white kids chanting "Donald Trump! Build that wall!" at brown kids during sportsball competitions. But none of that proves anything, because of course the Liberal Media's going to fixate on isolated incidents and ignore all the times Nancy Pelosi personally castrated Republicans like just this month.
To attempt to get some hard data on whether Trump's election has actually affected The Kids, a recent peer-reviewed study found that, in Virginia at least, areas that voted for Trump in 2016 saw an increase in school bullying while areas that voted for Hillary Clinton saw school bullying actually go down. Who woulda guessed?
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