Genius Independent Panel Recommends Secret Service Not Suck So Much


Photo byGideon/Flickr

Hey, remember how the Secret Service has been kind of sucking at doing its job of keeping uninvited guests from jumping the White House fence and walking right through the front door like it's no big? In November, the White House conducted its own obviously biased investigation to figure out just how Omar Gonzales was able to pull off the nearly impossible magic trick of getting so close to the president of the United States of America that he could practically smell what the president had for breakfast that morning:

In addition to all the crap we knew already about the guy who jumped the White House fence, sprinted across the lawn, made it through the front door, and was only tackled because an off-duty Secret Service agent was visiting, now we also learn that the incident involved some radio failures, agents goofing off on the job, and just plain lax security.

For starters, the intruder, Omar Gonzales, had an easier time getting over the fence because an ornamental spike at the top of the fence was missing where he climbed.

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And then it turned out, much to the surprise of the Secret Services, that shrubbery is not an impenetrable wall of security after all:

The summary said that the officers “were surprised that Gonzalez was able to get through the bushes” because “prior to that evening, the officers believed the bushes” were too thick to pass through.

Lucky for America -- but not the Secret Service agents who are too busy sexting in their vans to protect the president -- an independent panel has looked into that and has come up with an excellent suggestion: let's try not sucking so much!

An independent panel is recommending deep changes in the Secret Service, including heightened security around the White House, saying the elite protective agency is “an organization starved for leadership."

Ya think? The panel specifically recommends building a more bigger, more better fence around the White House, so it's not so easy to hop right over it. Good thinking, since having thick bushes around the property is not the best defense against intruders after all. Who knew? The panel also recommends "dynamic leadership that can move the Service forward into a new era and drive change in the organization." Maybe some 21st century vertical integration, perhaps?

In case you were concerned that this is just another partisan "report" intended to distract us from Whateverghazi, rest assured, it's bipartisan enough to give Ron Fournier a happy, with "two former Obama administration officials and two who served under President George W. Bush."

You can read the full summary of the report if you're the kind of loser who likes to read things, but you canNOT read the full report because the panel determined some of the details were "too sensitive." Yeah, maybe not releasing the exact specifics of how the Secret Service should specifically not suck is a good idea. We wouldn't want to make it too easy for future intruders by giving them an actual blue print of exactly how to evade the new and improved security measures. Right? Why, the new plan to not suck so much is already working!



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