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George Washington, Scary Eyeliner Jesus Want You To Save Country

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According to Wonkette operative "Stan J.," this horrifying billboard is gracing the skies of Spokane, Washington. There are just so many catchphrases here! Of course the best and most important one is "Constitution means freedom," a definition from a sign creator who obviously does not own a dictionary. But why are these seemingly unrelated things arranged in such a way? IT'S A SECRET MESSAGE, one that can be decoded by those weird Hebrew rainbow bracelets from a couple weeks back.

Remember this image?

See, there is supposed to be a sign in the clouds, and here it is. And by rainbow, they mean George Washington's gay face. Why else would that scary goth Jesus be there taunting us with his wispy Shakespeare facial hair? He is letting us know that he is right next to the rainbow.

THIS IS A SIGN THAT GOD WANTS US TO ELECT ZOMBIE PRESIDENT GEORGE WASHINGTON TO A THIRD TERM IN OFFICE. As all Teabaggers know, that guy was really good at paying down trillions of dollars of accumulated national debt during a recession. Give the country back to the founders and their Teabag friends! Or else!

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I wasn't ready for Koko the gorilla to die. She was just 46, so still young well past the upper age limit for a gorilla, but I'll miss her. She loved cats, told mildly amusing jokes, and put up with people, so she was a lot like your weird aunt.

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Donald Trump held one of his televised cabinet meetings today in which he railed about the terrible Democrats who forced the current border crisis (at a time when illegal border crossings are actually lower than usual). In what's sure to be his favorite phrase on Twitter for the next few days, Trump blamed "extremist open-border Democrats" for all the problems he brought on himself with his family separation policy, and explained that Democrats were simultaneously hurting illegal immigrants AND the rest of America by forcing Normal America to accept Central Americans who fled to the US. It made loads of sense! And then things got ... less so.

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