George Zimmerman: Be Sure To Buy Your 'Killing Unarmed Black Kids' Insurance!
George Zimmerman has a lot of free time. His notoriety prevents him from seeking conventional employment, evidently, and he got fired from his last unpaid gig in that the owner of the gun shop he was lurking behind at night for security told him to stop it already. Plus there's that price on his head.
You didn't know there's a price on his head? He knows there is, which is just one of the interesting things he shared with the world Sunday when he called in to a rightwing gun-humper radio show. How tough is it to be George Zimmerman? Well, for one thing, all the cool fundraisers are for cops who shoot unarmed black people, so we're guessing that the charity gravy train has slowed for Zimmerman. He mostly just wanted to tell Mark Walters, host of "Armed American Radio," that it's going to be a pretty blue Christmas for George Zimmerman:
I don’t really remember what normal is ... I’ll tell you that I’m not working -- I enjoyed working, I enjoyed being a productive, taxpaying member of society. I haven’t worked since the incident, so in terms of the violent threats, the bounty on my head, I haven’t seen on any of the bounty posters an expiration date.
Yes, those completely legitimate "bounty posters" from the New Black Panthers -- in 2012. Still, considering that George Zimmerman seems to have made living in fear his life's work, even before he shot a kid to death, it makes sense that he believes that mobs of New Black Panthers are watching his every move. And he also seems to be seeing those poster pretty much everywhere, since he's been looking for an expiration date.
Zimmerman also wants to warn patriots that, whatever the momentary thrill of shooting a black teenager dead because he was armed with a sidewalk, there are some downsides as well. For instance, if you're not lucky, you might actually go to jail! Slim chance, really, but it could happen:
“The person going through the incident, such as I was, that’s a tremendous burden on you, too, knowing that your family’s out there,” Zimmerman said. “From what I’ve heard from a lot of supporters, no matter what the incident is or what scale it’s on, you do receive a lot of threats, fear of retaliation, and sitting behind bars when you’re absolutely helpless is not where anybody wants to be.”
The big take-away for Zimmerman is not, of course, that you shouldn't shoot unarmed black teenagers. Go ahead and do that if you must, he said, but you should make darn sure you have your shooting-an-unarmed-black-kid insurance in order first:
Go to the range to practice, keep your guns in a safe location, and primarily, now that I know that I’m $2.5 million in debt, just in lawyers’ fees, I paid over $360,000 in hard costs to the state of Florida -- just in, you know, copies, CDs, manuscripts, that kind of stuff -- I would definitely invest in getting some type of self-defense insurance, and again, arming yourself with the knowledge of what you can do and what you should or shouldn’t do after the incident.
In a remarkable bit of synergy, the radio show segment featuring Zimmerman also included an ad for precisely such an insurance service. How's that for synergy?
There's also another highly valuable form of insurance if you think you might have to Second Amendment an unarmed black teenager to death -- in self-defense, OF COURSE -- courtesy of The Cooch, Esquire:
Ken Cuccinelli, former Virginia attorney general and a gubernatorial candidate so bad he lost to Terry McAuliffe, has got himself an awesome little small business now, doin’ small business, creatin’ some jerbs (for Ken Cuccinelli), and that small business is being a lawyer who helps you get out of all your terrible gun-related crimes, that you did, with a gun. And he’s got a pretty sweet little way to help you plan ahead, for when you figure you might, accidentally, through no fault of your own, shoot and kill another human being, at a later date. It is so terribly important, like the queers in the Boy Scouts say, to Be Prepared.
Zimmerman also warned that, should you ever find yourself having to clean up the neighborhood by shooting an unarmed black teenager (and really, for all the downsides, you DO need to be ready -- make sure you buy another gun today!), you shouldn't trust the media, because they are unbelievably biased against Americans who shoot unarmed black teenagers to death, possibly because they are controlled by the Big Unarmed Black Teenager lobby:
The media, they’re not in the business of telling the news, they’re -- now, unfortunately, it’s evolved to them being in the business of making the news, and whether it costs people their lives, their livelihood, dignity, the position in the community -- they could not care less.
Zimmerman did not explain how exactly the media had invented the story of him shooting an unarmed black teenager to death; he did, however, thank the one reliable voice in American media today, Sean Hannity, for his support, because Hannity was the only person who "didn't rush to judgment" and was cool with Zimmerman shooting an unarmed black teenager to death. That seems to us awfully unfair to all the other rightwing media figures who also joined in the subsequent conversion of Trayvon Martin from a kid walking home from a store into a drug-dealing thug who was bent on murder and mayhem, but OK, maybe Hannity was first among equals in that pantheon.
But if you ever have to defend yourself by following and killing an unarmed black teenager after the police have told you to just let them handle it, you may want to take George Zimmerman's advice:
Anything you say to them -- and my family has learned this, my friends have learned this -- people that truly had absolutely no malice intended would talk to the media and it would be turned, massaged to fit their agenda, and completely distorted ... There is absolutely no benefit to talking to the media.
It might also help if you don't have a brother who likes to tell the media how dangerous he thinks black teenagers are, too. Because the media will just go and twist that into some kind of racial thing.
In any case, we learned something very important from all this: The U.S. Concealed Carry Association has a three-hour weekly "radio" program where people talk about guns for three hours, and George Zimmerman called into it. We imagine that the other hours of the program consist of the host and his guests saying "Guns, amirite?" "Right." "Right!" and answering calls from people who say "First time caller, long time shooter. Guns!" "Damn right, guns!"
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.