Glenn Beck Doesn’t Care If His Fans Die


American honor-restorer Glenn Beck is so mad about obesity right now, because it costs taxpayers billions of dollars and that iswrong. On his teevee show, he complained about "those fat people that sit on their couch" -- you know, the ones whose skin actually "grows into their couch," until the fire department has to come and rescue them when they finally can't get up anymore. Beck says we should just "let them die," those fat fuck loser skin-bags. Is Beck giving up on his audience, or something?

Millions of Skincouch-Americans (and regular old Obese-Americans who haven't yet melded with their home furnishings) are also Real-Americans who have dedicated themselves to keeping the Glenn Beckonomy alive. If they die, as Glenn wishes, who will be left to attend the super-rallies and conventions or consume Beck media products except skinny, curious libtard-bloggers looking for new material? And libtards tend not to pay for stuff, because they are thieves, so without his fat-fat-fattie crew Beck likely would turn into a 99er.

As this video shows, Beck's hate speech toward his own people was inspired by lean, mean FLOTUS Michelle Obama and her ongoing War on French Fries, which is going to cause America-destroying fry riots ("friots," ha ha ha come on LAUGH YOU MORANS):

"Beck was being facetious," say the folks at Think Progress. Aw, they're so nice over there. But was he? Um, let's go with "no."

Wouldn't it be nice/cool if Beck's fans watched this video and realized that their leader doesn't care about them, really? Then they could friot against him, if they could rise up at all (which they can't, because of the whole "growing into the furniture" issue, which is debilitating). [Think Progress/Media Matters for America]

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OK everyone, hello! It was a really shitty week with Trump's BABY JAILS and whatnot, right? And we cried and we cried, but then we got MAD. Are you MAD BRO? Because this shit is not going to stand and we are more fired up than ever to make things better, to register people to vote, to pick them up in our car so they can go vote, and also all the other stuff too. BRB TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK NOW. That is how we are right now! So are you! Start by marching with Wonkette next week!

Also, please look above, as that is a picture of Wonkette toddler getting SWIMMING LESSONS. Isn't that the greatest?

OK, we are continuing our tradition of making the top ten post even shorter than ever before, because gotta get on the road and go to Nashville BRB GOING TO NASHVILLE NOW.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump, Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY)

2. Ann Coulter's America Will Die if Baby Jails Go Away, So That's Something!

3. Yes, Trump Is Stealing Children. But You Can DO Something.

4. Baby Jails? Goddamn Motherfucking BABY JAILS?

5. Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

6. The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

7. Happy Father's Day, Roger Stone! YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

8. Michael Cohen Slams Baby Jails On His Way To Grownup Jail

9. Awwwww Rudy Giuliani, YOU FUCKING SCARED?

10. Trump Foundation Fuckery? WHO KNEW!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

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Let's see ... anything else? Nope, BYE.

Yours in baby Jesus,


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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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