Glenn Beck Fails To Drown Total Muslim Grover Norquist In Bathtub
He loves America so much, and this is the thanks he gets?
Remember when Glenn Beck used to be kind of scary, when he could mobilize a zillion morons for a slob picnic in Washington DC where they all cried about taking their country back? And then he lost his Fox News show and started Glenn Beck's The Blaze and kept warning of dire apocalyptic Big Events that never quite materialized? More recently, Beck tried to convince people to fast and pray for Ted Cruz, and the only result was audiences wondering who that crying hungry-looking guy was on the stage with the Canadian fella. Poor forgotten Glenn Beck got another reminder of just how far he's fallen in the wingnuttosphere this week when we learned Beck had failed, yet again, to oust anti-tax huckster Grover Norquist from the board of the National Rifle Association. It's so sad to see the rightwing loonies turn on each other like that, if by "sad" you mean "amusing."
Beck, you see, is one of those very special idiots who believe Norquist is a secret agent for the Muslim Brotherhood, and therefore unfit to serve on the board of the greatest protector of American freedom. Why does Glenn Beck believe this strange thing? For one thing, Norquist is married to a Muslim woman. For another thing, Norquist is married to a Muslim woman. Based on this extensive pattern of Norquist being married to a Muslim woman and trying to spread the gospel of drowning government in a bathtub to some Arab countries, completely sane anti-Muslim looneybucket Frank Gaffney has argued for years that Norquist is a Muslim Brotherhood infiltrator of the American right. Gaffney's case against Norquist is so airtight that it convinced no less a Thought Leader than Victoria Jackson to join the anti-Norquist gang. And for over a year now, a small faction of Gaffney-inspired nuts has been trying to purge Norquist from the NRA. Glenn Beck even delivered an ultimatum in 2015, warning that Norquist "is a very bad influence and a very bad man," and if he remained on the NRA board, well then Glenn Beck might have to drop his lifetime NRA membership. And how would you like that, HENGHHH?
To placate Beck, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre promised the NRA would investigate Norquist, with the results to be posted on the NRA website for the sake of transparency. That investigation was never released, even though it reportedly determined that, no, the pope of tax cuts wasn't a secret Muslim spy. Beck then launched a recall drive against Norquist, harping on the threat Norquist posed to America if he remained on the gun lobby's board. Beck begged his TV and radio audience to stop Norquist, warning if he weren't recalled, "no one will ever touch him and his influence will expand and so will the Muslim Brotherhood, at the highest levels."
The recall deadline was May 1, and it turns out the obsessive tax cutter won out over the has-been crying shouty guy, according to Washington Examiner columnist Paul Bedard, who likes to refer to himself and his column as "Secrets." What good is a political column if it doesn't have a cool codename?
"I greatly appreciate the strong support the NRA membership and the entire Second Amendment community provided in defeating the recall effort," Norquist, founder of Americans for Tax Reform, told Secrets.
Pointing a finger at a champion of the recall effort, he added, "The recall was simply the most recent nonsense from Frank Gaffney -- my stalker of the last 17 years. The NRA membership defeated his effort last April and again this year." [...]
In an email to Secrets, Todd Rathner, an NRA board of director, [sic] said, "I was confident the membership of the NRA would see this recall vote for what it was, an attack on the NRA in a year when we must be focused on critical elections. With the Supreme Court hanging in the balance, I am glad this petty distraction is behind us."
Not that anyone in this little saga is just a tad self-important or anything.
So now, whither Beck? Grover Norquist is still on the NRA board, so obviously the gun lobby will soon be in the hands of the Muslim Brotherhood, which will no doubt try to destroy America from the inside through nefarious plots like ... well, something really bad. So now it's time for Glenn Beck to submit his tearful, principled resignation and wash his hands of the now-corrupted organization, right?
Nahhh! On his radio program Tuesday, Beck updated America on his plans, explaining he can't risk weakening the NRA by walking away at this desperate moment!
What are you going to do, unplug from everything? ... Do you just unplug? Or do you stay in and pitch? I don't think we can unplug. I think that is a really bad idea, to unplug. I thought we were in the majority of things, but we're not. They surround us ... We better pool our resources and stay together, stick together, and do our best to duke it out.
Beck vowed to "hold the line," even in these dark days. How dark is it? Beck's program opened with Ron Paul pitching a home freeze-drying unit that could save your family's life when the shit hits the fan, that's how bad it is. In other words, the apocalypse continues on schedule, buy gold, and keep watching out for the Muslim Brotherhood at your gun club.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.