On the one hand, Washington is the perfect venue for this Saturday's Glenn BeckCaveman Jamboree/Eagle Cookout: Not only are there goddamn Subways everywhere -- the better to measure your salami and Ranch dressing intake in inches -- but it's a scientific fact that the homeless urinate on DC's public transportation 90% less than they do in New York City, which smells like garbage and diapers all summer anyway. On the other hand, though: THE BLACKS!


All the Tea Partiers wanted to do was descend on the nation's capital on the anniversary of the "I Have a Dream" speech and pervert the memory of Martin Luther King Jr. in peace; little did they know they'd be stuck having to encounter literally thousands of the city's African-American residents, many of whose ancestors didn't even have the decency to leave DC after being forced to build it, as slaves. Can you even imagine the nerve?

Anyway, because all the Teabaggers are worried about having their fanny packs jostled by Washington's blacks, some of the more industrious of these Constitution-suckers have come up with handy-dandy pamphlets on how to enjoy DC while seeing as few brown faces as possible. Here is an actual set of inter-Washington travel guidelines provided by Maine Tea Party warlock Andrew Ian Dodge, whose goonish Faux-kleys let you know he's serious about both freedom and chintzy plastic bullshit from China:

If you are on the subway stay on the Red line between Union Station and Shady Grove, Maryland. If you are on the Blue or Orange line do not go past Eastern Market (Capitol Hill) toward the Potomac Avenue stop and beyond; stay in NW DC and points in Virginia. Do not use the Green line or the Yellow line. These rules are even more important at night.

[CORRECTION: It has come to our attention that Andrew Ian Dodge didn't compose the aforementioned DC travel guidelines; he just cut and pasted them from his friend Bruce Major's Tea Party blog. You can officially blame them both for spreading this nonsense, but we have corrected the attribution, for Justice.]

In deference to those who don't know Washington -- and really, why should you? Go someplace nice like Santa Fe on your vacation -- the goal here appears to be, "OK, so I wanna tell everyone how to avoid poor black people, but I also don't wanna sound like the kind of pathetic twerp who goes out of his way to avoid poor black people. What to do, what to do? Think! What would Glenn do?"

Stumped, the Teabagger Author likely buried his confusion in a McDonald's milkshake and a couple of tubes of Cheddar Pringles, and that's when it hit him like a pilled-up Limbaugh crumpling to bathroom floor: Tell all the Tea Folk to "avoid the Green and Yellow lines," which is code for "avoid African-Americans on their way home from work and school"! Ta da! Good job! An unlimited supply of Faux-kleys and Truck Nutz for you.

Other friendly advice from the Teagoblin includes:

  • "Most taxi drivers and many waiters/waitresses (especially in local coffee shops like the Bread and Chocolate chain) are immigrants, frequently from east Africa or Arab countries."
  • "CVS is the DC area drugstore chain and most carry simply hardwares and basic groceries (milk, bread, canned soup, TV dinners)."
  • "One can get free wifi access in many parts of DC: any Starbucks (and often any restaurant adjacent to Starbucks); most Barnes & Noble bookstores (which usually contain a Starbucks); Caribou Coffee (another chain, though it restricts your access to "adult" sites)."

Guess the teabagger dudes will have to find another place to jack off under the table while people try to eat their breakfasts.

Green line or no, see you Saturday, Tea Party weirdos. Looking forward to hurling human feces and urine at Tila Tequila with all you Juggalos. Mad wicked clown love!

Cord Jefferson covers Washington for quality publications including The Root. He does Twitter here.

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