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Idiot Savant Auteur de Merde Glenn Beck presents this short Noir masterpiece about a guy named Lucky, a legless (or one-legged, because why would you check your script for consistency?) prostitute named Charlie, and a slick grifter named Sam, who's pushing a crazy unworkable scheme called "MyRA." In typical Beck Drama Theater of the Airhead style, it isn't especially clear on what exactly is going on in this allegory -- sure, "Lucky" is the hapless everyman, "Sam" is the scary fiberglass-headed rapist fraudster you remember from college days, and "MyRA" is a scheme to steal all your muneez. We can't for the life of us figure out who "Charlie" is supposed to be, though. After MyRA cheats him out of his savings, Lucky goes back to Charlie, so maybe the legless prostitute is supposed to be the private banking industry. Or maybe "Charlie" is the hole in a teabagger's mattress where he saves all his gold? Your guess is as good as ours.

We suppose we could quibble about Beck's suggestion that MyRA accounts will be inherently riskier because the retirement funds will be invested in government bonds, because as anyone knows, Sam is flat broke -- the government is about to go belly-up, and nobody will see a penny of their retirement savings, despite the claim that the accounts will be insured. In reality, of course, U.S. Treasury bonds are among the least risky investments available, and are a cornerstone of international finance, and the government hasn't ever failed to pay out on insured deposits under the systems like FDIC. But this is BeckWorld, after all, so it seems churlish to muddy the waters with too many facts.

Instead, just enjoy the complete batshit craziness of the skit. Even the film noir setting seems pretty much arbitrary -- Beck does a half-decent noirish narrator, but there's no detective story here, no matter how much Beck may wish to see Sam spayed. Again, this is a nitpick, because who ever expected logical -- much less cinematic -- consistency from Glenn Beck? Far better to simply sit back and let Glenn Beck's paranoid fever dream wash over you. We're with Madeleine Davies at Jezebel -- it looks as if "the whole thing was just an excuse to complain about how 'dames' can't light a cigarette the right way."

Don't smoke, kids. Bad for you. More important, don't drink the tea. Makes you crazy.

[Jezebel / CNN]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He knew the dame was trouble when she walked though the door...

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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