Glenn Beck Sorta Sorry About How He Destroyed America Even Though It Sure Was Fun


Remember when semi-professional terrible person Glenn Beck had a real job on Fox News, before Fox decided he was too crazy even for Fox? (Yeah, we know, we still can't quite believe that either. We didn't know that bar even existed.)

Glenn Beck packed up his chalkboard and stormed off to the far corners of the internets, where he could scream incoherently without the burdensome restrictions of Fox's high standards of journalism. But gosh, he sure had a blast when he was there, even if he sort of helped destroy America in the process. But he's kind of sorry about that. No, really, he kind of is!

“I remember it as an awful lot of fun and that I made an awful lot of mistakes,” Beck told Fox's Megyn Kelly on Tuesday. “I think I played a role, unfortunately, in helping tear the country apart.”

Oops, his bad! Not that it was entirely his fault. It's just that Americans are such sensitive, delicate little flowers (probably because of feminism or something), and he misunderestimated them.

I didn’t realize how really fragile the people were. I thought we were kind of a little more in it together.

Yes, it's a real shame how Glenn Beck's daily hate speech on Fox made people sort of hate each other. All he was trying to do was unite America, and yet, somehow, what with his unfortunate choice of words every single day, he did not exactly do that. Like that time he complained about "those fat people that sit on their couch" (aka, Beck's viewers) and how we should just "let them die." That was not very unite-y of him. Sorry about that!

Or that time he asked Rep. Keith Ellison, the first Muslim elected to Congress, to "prove to me that you are not working with our enemies." You know, because Muslim. That was also not very unite-y of Beck, and we're sure he's sending a very lovely apology card to Rep. Ellison this very moment. Does Hallmark have anything appropriate? Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry about that time I suggested you're a secret terrorist, but hey, it was fun, so ha ha fuck you.

There was Beck's epic-but-not-so-epic "Restoring Honor" Woodstock rally in D.C. in 2010, when he was going to reclaim the Civil Rights movement from Barack Obama, who was maybe not a Muslim but definitely not a Christian, and also the ghost of Martin Luther King, Jr., who pre-emptively stoled it from Glenn Beck and all white freedom-lovers everywhere. Maybe not so unite-y? Oh well. Whatcha gonna do?

We could continue to relive the glory days of Beck's tearing apart of America every day all day long and twice on Sunday, but we do not hate ourselves that much and also we are not paid nearly enough whore diamonds to make that a worthwhile endeavor. So let's just be grateful that Beck learned his lesson and is sort of sorry about being a divisive prick, and that he will not be doing that anymore. He will definitely not go around attacking film critics for hating The Troops, like he did not do just the other day. And he will definitely not accuse the left of co-opting John F. Kennedy, who would TOTALLY be a teabagger today. And he will most definitely not warn all three and a half of his fans about Obama's "Marxist revolutionaries" who are secretly plotting to Holocaust America.

Because Glenn Beck knows that kind of talk is not good for America. Even if it sure is fun.


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