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Glenn Beck: The Only Logical Response To Boston Marathon Bombing Is To Make Glenn Beck Wealthier

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We don’t yet know who is responsible for the horrific bombings in Boston yesterday, but we do know they are a sign of society’s imminent collapse, and that those unprepared for our post-apocalyptic future are destined to die alone in the streets.


How do we know this? Because Glenn Beck, America’s foremost historian* and greatest living patriot**, told us so. “This is the way it will happen it will happen really really quickly,” he intoned wisely, “this” presumably meaning the end of America as we know it, which has been coming any day now since America elected a certain president whose skin happens to be a certain color.

And with the eschaton imminent, there’s only one thing to do, according to Beck: buy gold! When the well-prepared take to their bunkers deep in the woods, the rest of us will be left holding wads of useless cash. Their stacks of gold coins and bars will be the only currency with any value, which they’ll use to purchase squirrel meat and iodine pills from each other.

Beck’s recommendation that you buy gold to survive the coming apocalypse is of course only a result of his deep concern for the well-being of his audience and certainly has nothing to do with his deep ties to gold dealer and perennial fraud-investigation-target Goldline. It would certainly be wrong to suggest that Glenn’s entire show is nothing more than one huge commercial for fear and panic, and that he is willing to exploit any tragedy, no matter how horrific, for the personal financial gain of himself and his sponsors. Because that would make him the worst person in America.***

A quick check of Beck’s website showed banner ads from both Goldline and another gold dealer, APMEX, both of which accept your useless so-called “dollars” in exchange for their precious stores of gold, the fools.

So not only is Glenn Beck helpfully suggesting you buy gold in the face of this disaster, but he even provides convenient links on his website for a place where you can do it. In a way that makes him richer. Which is just a coincidence.

* Except for Newt Gingrich.

** Except for Orly Taitz.

*** Except for the dirty fuck who actually set the bombs.

NOTE: In the time since Your Wonkette started to write this post, Buzzfeed updated its story with a denial from Glenn Beck's camp which boils down to "well he was planning about talking about gold already" because apparently having a tiny shred of human decency and changing what you are going to talk about is really hard.

[Buzzfeed]

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