Glenn Beck Will Save World From Ebola With Song Reminding You Not To Lick Up Vomit
Glenn Beck has the solution to the Ebola panic: Make fun of stupid Africans who don't have the sense not to play around with infected bodily fluids! Which is why he made him a song about it, complete with music video:
We do have to admit that couplets like “Keep away from eyes that bleed/Don’t lick vomit off the street” and “And if you want to calm your fear/put down that glass of diarrhea” have a certain appeal to our inner 12-year-old. Dare we say it, were they not from Glenn Beck, we'd be jealous a little.
But you see, Glenn Beck doesn't actually believe much of anything the Centers for Disease Control say about Ebola, so he wrote the song to mock what duplicitous lying monsters they are, and of course he also wants you to know that he totally was right that Texas was where the outbreak would occur (except that he predicted it would be spread by African immigrant prison guards, and that it would rapidly mutate to be transmitted through the air, so only partial credit on that quiz).
Say, speaking of rightwing fears that the Ebola virus is right on the verge of mutating into a form that can be transmitted just by breathing (another fear virologists say is extremely unlikely,) let us just share with you this intriguing brain-teaser from blogger Charles Johnson:
Johnson notes today that creationists have been sending him angry emails saying that this proves nothing, since ebola still won't have evolved into a duck or something. We should note that Glenn Beck is himself a bigass creationist, so we rather look forward to seeing him explain his sudden acceptance of natural selection.
In any case, Glenn Beck is pretty certain that if we just banned all travel from West African countries, we'd be safe, because public health experts who say that's a bad idea are dumb, and Glenn Beck is smart. The most important thing to remember is that experts will always lie to you, largely because they don't want you to buy survival seeds or whatever vitamins are still advertising on Glenn Beck's interwebs/radio/cable empire.
If you can stomach it, here's video of Beck and his pals going on and on about why the government is lying to us about Ebola. What a great American he is. Also, are you sure you're afraid enough? Try to be a little more afraid, won't you? Every bit helps.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.