Glorious Leader Cures Cancer Forever with Evian

Greetings, Goodly Citizens! It's time again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We have a glorious, wonderful, all-powerful roster this week, made possible by the brave sacrifice of the glorious working classes of the world and also probably some booze (hic). Let's get right in to it.

Kim Jong Un now selling cancer-curing bottled water

Our first story in the bulletin takes us to the mystical land of North Korea, Best Korea of all the Bestest Koreas! While we in the decadent west were laughing at the prosperous, glorious nation for their lovely Kimspirations or their myriad achievements in cardboard rocket technology, North Korea was busy juicing the perfect, heavenly brain of their favorite blueberry-shaped boy, Kim Jong-Un.

Has Kim found a solution to the country's two-decade long famine that has stunted the growth of almost half its children? Or has he finally decided that it was a bad idea to personally direct the economy, leading the price of rice to double overnight and causing millions of people to starve? Those were all vicious plots by the American-led West to undermine Juche, good citizen, so naturally they were not Eternal Autocrat's fault. Instead, Kim has finally discovered a cure for his people's cancer-riddled bodies! Oh frabjous day! What is the secret to long life in the glorious Juche state?

The panacea to Korea's health woes lie in Kim's newest invention: bottled water! Please withhold your excitement. This is quite a momentous day indeed.

Reports from the North Korean state propaganda trustworthy independent press show that Kim Jong-Un has begun a massive new project to bottle and distribute bottled water from a magical spring outside Pyongyang to his nation's millions of citizens. The spring's elixir is said to halt the aging process, allowing faithful North Koreans to work "until they are 90," at which point they will drop dead in a field and presumably be shot for insubordination. What's better is that this brilliant plan fixes both the nation's medical problems and its crashing retirement plan! With Koreans toiling well into their triple digits, no longer will the nation need pay for their expenses. Dear Leader always provides.

But back to bottled water curing cancer WHICH IT OBVIOUSLY DOES. North Korean officials claim that the water has magical cancer-curing properties because it is made of "smaller molecules." We'll let The Mirror breathlessly summarize how the bonk that's supposed to work. As with most press releases from North Korea, and most articles from The Mirror frankly, [sic] applies to just about all of it:

Researchers recently found out the water consists of smaller molecules.

There are nano tracks in human’s cell membrane and only smaller molecule water can pass it.

Such water is absorbed rapidly into human body to promote metabolism of cells and works as antioxidant to prevent the accumulation of peroxides, retard aging and prevent cancer.

The molecules are smaller, so they can squeeze into the cells better. Huh. Apparently size doesn't matter.

It's refreshing to see North Korea praising the smallness of a thing for once, as the nation's government once held a nationwide health festival in which Kim Jong-Il claimed to have invented a miracle drug that could cure shortness. Pint-sized Koreans from across the state came to be cured of their vertical challenges, only to be dwarf-tossed onto a boat, forcibly sterilized, and shipped off to an empty farm village to die. Even more insane, dropping the dwarfs in isolation was actually the regime's plan B. Originally, government officials were planning to just mow them all down, but decided that widespread "cleansing" of a disabled population wouldn't play well internationally. This is an actual thing that actually happened.

In fact, we find ourselves repeating that line every time North Korea appears in the news. Just last year, Kim Jong-Un announced to the world that he and he alone had discovered a wonder drug that would cure AIDS, cancer, and Ebola, which he no doubt discovered astride his family unicorn. The saucepan dictator even touts his discovery of over 50 other cancer cures and remedies that miraculously have never been found anywhere else:

A newspaper in the hermit state revealed: “The Korea Oriental Medicine Development Centre has developed over 50 anti-cancer medicines that help accelerate immunity function and promote health.

“They are all made from extracts of medicinal materials and do neither addict their users nor produce side effects even if they are used for a long time.”

Boys and girls, what do we say about medicine with "no side effects"? The only medicine with no side-effects is a medicine with no effects. Very good. You may all take recess just as soon as you're done toiling in the water bottling plant.

Naysayers might say that North Korea should focus on fixing their hospitals that still operate wood-burning stoves and perform surgery by candlelight with no anesthesia

'Vaxxed' producers fight silencing of their movie by trying to silence people who watch their movie

For our second story in the bulletin, we have a return of our old friend Andrew Wakefield, maker of the smash flop film Vaxxed! When last we left our valiant filmmaker / blood-stained ghoul, he was sounding the alarm that a massive, coordinated campaign against him was trying to silence his speech! What horrors! What has Andrew decided to do to counter this egregious assault upon his freedoms?

Mounted a campaign to silence a woman who dared to criticize his movie. That', better?

As reported first by A Science Enthusiast, Cinema Libre, the production company that distributed Wakefield's medical malpractice set to music, has threatened legal action against Irish autism activist, Fiona Pettit O'Leary, who has criticized Vaxxed for being a fraudulent mess that paints autistic people as damaged invalids who need to be "cured." O'Leary is the founder of Autistic Rights Together, an organization that empowers autistic people in her native Ireland.

On July 21st, O'Leary received a threatening letter from the CEO of Cinema Libre, Philippe Diaz, demanding that O'Leary cease criticism of the film -- or in their idiot loggerhead words "defamation." Diaz alleges that by criticizing their movie, O'Leary is harming Cinema Libre's business and that he will sue for financial compensation if she doesn't comply with their gag order. Diaz demands that O'Leary not say anything about the film to anyone. Diaz asserts that criticism is actually an act of libel (it isn't), and that "we will file an action against you," which is about as legally scary as saying that you're going to do something so bad to that mean ole Scutt Farkus that he won't even know what hit him why I oughta.

O'Leary does not seem to be backing down, as she released a video in response to the letter in which she doubled down on her criticism against the film, Wakefield, and quack anti-autistic "charities" that insult autistic people as mentally incompetent and try to justify violence against autistic people. Enjoy O'Leary's passionate response yourself, and sit back and chuckle at the fact that Diaz seems to think that California defamation laws will apply in O'Leary's native Ireland. They wouldn't even apply in California, seeing as how criticism isn't defamation. If you spend your first 15 minutes of fame whining that people are trying to silence you, don't spend the next 15 minutes attempting to silence others. Good luck, asshat. Go Fiona!

[Mirror / Daily Mail / The Richest / Vice / Free Beacon / A Science Enthusiast / ART]


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