Glossary of Terms: A Guide to Wonkette

It's been suggested that some readers may not be familiar with all of the people, places, and things referenced here on Wonkette. It's been suggested that this lack of familiarity may deprive readers of the precious "funny" we try hard to produce here; or, worse, readers may stop reading (turning them from "readers" into "fuckwads"). With this in mind, we present this guide to Wonkette's frequently referenced terms:

· Broder, David: Old guy people say is the dean of something or other. We think it's the vocational advising division of St. Alban's. [Wash Post]

· Brooks, David: New York Times columnist. Favorite colors are red and blue. Conservative, but happy to give Democrats his excellent advice. Scared of women. []

· Brown, Tina: Over-the-hill New York resident gossip columnist who has some pictures locked in a safe deposit box of Washington Post Style section editor Gene Robinson doing unspeakable things with a kiwi and some vegetable oil. She also used to edit some magazine. []

· Bush (also W., also George W. Bush): This one is very important, because we use it a lot. George W. Bush is President of the United States. []

· Cheney, Dick: Emerges from his hole every February 2. If he sees his shadow, it's six more weeks until we invade Syria. []

· Clark, Wesley: Superhuman robot who will destroy us all with his laser vision eyes. Running for president. []

· Clark, Wes, Jr.: Created from DNA harvested from the real Wesley Clark. Super hot. [NY Observer]

· Christ, Jesus: A heck of a humanitarian and a gracious dinner host. [The Jesus Homepage]

· Daschle, Tom: Democratic senator from South Dakota. His soporific voice belies the fact that's a real tiger in the sack. []

· Dean, Howard: Running for president. Maintains a website at Kills kittens for fun. []

· Dowd, Maureen: New York Times columnist who thinks she's been elected prom queen. Sees a lot of movies and skims a lot of political bios. Rarely keeps them straight. []

· Edwards, John: He's pretty. Running for president. []

· Gallo, Vincent: Homeless man who used to fuck actress Chloe Sevigny. []

· A website for ugly people. Ugly people who collect Beanie Babies and smoke Virginia Slims. []

· Goldberg, Jonah: Voice of the new conservative cool, also voice of the Comic Book Store Guy on TV's "The Simpsons." [National Review Online]

· Hastert, Dennis: Republican congressman from Illinois, Speaker of the House and professional male model. []

· Kerry, John: The hair that ate Massachusetts. French. Running for president. []

· Kucinich, Dennis: Congressman from Ohio, desperate for a date. Starred (with Dean) in '80s schlock-horror flick "Leprechaun." ("I want me gold!") Running for president. []

· Kurtz, Howie: Provides "happy endings" for an extra sawbuck. Stenographer for the Official Liberal Media Elite Planning Commission and Horticultural Society. []

· Leiby, Richard: Former dentist. Now the gossip columnist for the Washington Post and host of the most boringest online chat in all the world. Has trouble finding pants that fit. [Wash Post]

· Lieberman, Joseph: Running for president. Thinks the music kids listen to these days is "just noise." []

· Madison, James: Our fourth president and principal drafter of the U.S. Constitution. []

· McConnell, Mitch: Republican senator from Kentucky. Every man can be had for a price, and his is exorbitantly high--even it is paid in cigarette coupons. []

· Rove, Karl: Ace political consultant to George W. Bush. Direct descendent of Vlad the Impaler. []

· Sharpton, Al: Put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp. Running for president. []

· Sullivan, Andrew: Extremely hirsute British chap who will one day play opposite Jonah Goldberg in the Capitol Hill Community Theater production of "Angels in America." []


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