God Shed His Rage On Thee
God (D-Outer Space) had a special message for America on July 4: He hates you all. From coast to coast, the Lord sent his plagues down upon ye, ruining everything from that stupid A Capitol Fourth concert to simple backyard barbecues. His hate was, as always, limitless in scope and awesome in power.
* He sent tornadoes and deadly lightning strikes to the National Mall, forcing hundreds of thousands of people to run screaming for shelter. Those who endured two hours of miserable huddling inside various Smithsonian buildings were finally allowed out again at 7 p.m. and forced to go through the ridiculous security checkpoints all over again. Many simply gave up, went home and wept.
* In New York's Hudson Valley, eastern Pennsylvania, Maryland, Rhode Island, Virginia, Vermont, and across the vast waterlogged state of Texas, hundreds of patriotic fireworks spectaculars and Independence Day Parades were canceled due to ceaseless rain, tornado warnings and flooding.
* Huge, deadly ocean waves off of New York's beloved Jones Beach forced the cancellation of the July 4 fireworks show because it was too dangerous to send out the fireworks barge!
* The violent, angry surf forced cancellation of major fireworks shows on the Florida coast, too. Such was the Lord's fury that a monster wave crashed over the Daytona Beach fireworks barge and "washed more than half of the pyrotechnics off the vessel and into the water."
* In Tennessee, the popular Oak Ridge fireworks show was canceled when police learned the "shooters" were dangerous amateurs without professional fireworks licenses.
* Anywhere without a deadly deluge was a broiling, drought-stricken wasteland -- the entire Southwest, South, Rocky Mountains and Great Lakes regions -- and literally hundreds of local fireworks shows were called off due to the risk of apocalyptic firestorms.