God Tells Televangelist Felon To Wear Black Panties, Probably Means World IS Ending

Of course He also has keen fashion sense

Oh hi! Are you still here? UNPOSSIBLE, because we told you the world is ending today, this day, Wednesday the seventh day of the tenth month of the year of your lord, two thousand ’n change. This is according to Very Serious People who regularly study the sacred texts and have very carefully calculated that, unlike all previous prophecies that turned out to be off a smidge, this one is for reals. If it hasn't hit your town yet, it's probably just because you're on some kind of bullshit "mountain time" or something, but it's coming. Trust us. Might want to eat a light dinner.

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In case you are still doubting that the end is hella nigh, listen to Jim Bakker, the scum bunny televangelist who went to the federal pokey for frauding everyone, where -- fun fact! -- he was cellmates with perpetual presidential candidate and certified nutfucks crazy person Lyndon LaRouche, also doing time for frauding everyone. Bet they had some great late-night lights out chit chats!

Jim Bakker is still around, still televangelisting, if you can believe it, but with a new blonde wife by his side to play the role of Tammy Faye, only her name is Lori and her make-up is a tiny bit more subtle. Jim recently explained on the "Jim Bakker Show" how somethin' real bad is coming, oh yes it is, and he's got the proof right here, in his pants:

I went to get dressed and got -- I pray about what I wear. I really do. I know I look stupid sometimes, but the last time God told me to wear a color, it was red. And what happened that day? The stock market crashed.

You see? God sends Jim Bakker a message, in his closet, and then God sends a bad thing! And sure, it might have been more useful if, instead of playing queer eye for the felon guy, God had just told him, "Sell your stocks by lunchtime." But you know God is, all mysterious-like.

So God sent Jim Bakker another ominous wardrobe sext recently, and it means something even more bad is coming, for sure:

Today, God said, “I want you to wear all black.” Even my shoes are black. My underwear is black. My socks are black.

You have a nice detailed image in your head of Jim Bakker's sagging septuagenarian felon bod squeezed into some lacy undergarments? You do now, suckers! But what does it all mean?

When God says, “Get the sin out,” He meant get the sin out. When you took over your enemy, you were to destroy the every part of the enemy. And I'm in a mourning because people aren't ready.

Oh. So even Jim Bakker isn't sure exactly what it means. But something bad, obviously, because that's how God gets the word out, by playing dress-up with Jim Bakker. Perhaps Jim should compare notes with the other scripture experts to see what they're wearing, and they could coordinate and let us know that if God tells Jim to wear a pink polka dot pinafore, winter's coming early this year, and if Jim shows up on his TV wearing nothing but a purple sock over his wrinkly bits, it is end times o'clock for sure this time. For sure.

Whatever he's wearing, you should definitely send money, just to be safe.




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