Goldman Offers Banking For The One Percent And There Will Be Neither Credit Cards Nor Toasters


The problem with retail banking, see, is that even Poors can sometimes scrape enough money together to get a bank account or a loan, and then they’re all blah blah blah,you are foreclosing on my house by mistake, or blah blah blah, I will not pay your $5 fee, and then sometimes they will cause a SCENE about these trifles, and it is embarrassing for everyone. Goldman Sachs has learned from Bank of America’s experiences with Poors, and so it will be launching its retail banking arm for the exclusive use of very very rich people and also for corporations (which, fun fact, are also a type of rich person). This way, they can make sure they don't lend to Poors and also avoid any possibility of exposure to such inconveniences as “the market,” as well as the undignified practice of “giving away free toasters” SERIOUSLY.

Via Reuters:

Goldman Sachs is building an in-house private bank to serve wealthy customers around the world as part of a cautious strategy to reshape its business, the Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday.

The banking push, which has not been previously disclosed, will give Goldman more deposits, a source of low-cost funding less vulnerable to the vagaries of financial markets.

The new unit will also lend more directly to corporations, some of which already make investments and do business with Goldman. Bank executives have set a goal of $100 billion in loans, up from $12 billion at the end of March, the Journal said.

Goldman has no plans to open retail branches, build a network of automated teller machines, pitch credit cards or "give away toasters," Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein told the Wall Street Journal.

Pfft. Toasters. Can you imagine anything so uncouth as TOASTERS? Or CREDIT CARDS? Debit cards and checkbooks on the other hand (which will be offered along with “loans secured by marketable securities, hedge funds, private equity funds, commercial real estate and private jets, yachts, vineyards, ranches and art collections”)—THAT’s dignified.



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