Good For This Company Selling 5G Conspiracy Theorists Magic $350 USB Keys

Good For This Company Selling 5G Conspiracy Theorists Magic $350 USB Keys

Last month, in the UK, the Glastonbury Town Council sent out a PDF findings of their 5g Advisory Committee, which had been set up six months prior to "investigate" the safety of 5G technology. The "findings" were primarily that they are going to assume that 5G technology is dangerous until it is proven otherwise, but that they have found a device called the 5GBioShield to be helpful in protecting them from Bill Gates mindcontrolling them or whatever else it is they think is going on here.

According to the official 5GBioshield website:

5GBioShield USB Key provides protection for your home and family, thanks to the wearable holographic nano-layer catalyser, which can be worn or placed near to a smartphone or any other electrical, radiation or EMF emitting device.
The 5GBioShield USB Key with the nano-layer is a quantum holographic catalyzer technology for the balance and harmonisation of the harmful effects of imbalanced electric radiation. The nano-layer operating diameter is either 8 or 40 meters.
The 5GBioShield USB Key is resulting from research of several decades in multiple countries. The active key operating diameter shields and harmonizes a complete family home.

Wow! Does that ever sound legit! Especially the parts about nano-layers and "quantum holographic catalyzer technology," which sounds very sciencey. And who doesn't love a hologram?

jem and the holograms GIFGiphy

But alas. This week, a group called PenTestPartners reviewed the 5GBioshield, which retails for about $350 in US dollars, and found that it is in fact just a $5 USB with a sticker on it. Ta da?

As everyone is fully aware it is a USB key, we needed to tear the device down to see what else is within the casing.
First, we managed to pull the device off the crystal, which showed nothing other than an LED at the end of the stick, the same as the other 'crystal' USB keys we found made in Shenzen. There were no additional components or any connections.

The circular area on the main casing looked like it might be where the "quantum holographic catalyzer technology" transmitter might be. Carefully taking that off, not to damage the key components and, with crushing disappointment, it looked exactly like a regular sticker.

Now we cannot say this sticker does not have additional functionality unused anywhere else in the world, but we are confident you can make up your own mind on that.

Digging further into the device, there appeared to be no electrical or other connections between the device and the "sticker" and also no additional components other than the USB stick.

Following this study, many media sites came out with the obligatory "Hey don't buy this magic hologram USB stick, it is a scam!" articles. But while it's true that this shit is a scam, I would personally like to argue that 5G conspiracy theorist should still go out and buy as many of these things as possible, at retail price. Why? Because maybe, if they do that and think that it works, they won't be running all over tearing 5G towers down all over the place because they think it has something to do with the mark of the beast.

Frankly, what this company is doing is a public service, to the rest of us. Sure, they are selling people some bullshit and probably making tons of money off of them, but if this pacifies people who might otherwise do some dangerous shit, more power to them.

We here at Wonkette spend a lot of time writing about the stupid and scammy things that right-wing con artists sell their idiot followers. Things like Silver Solution that turns you blue or bleach that is, well, bleach and therefore not a thing anyone should drink. We are hardly alone in this -- many other left-leaning sites and writers cover this stuff as well. Sometimes, even, the government steps in and says "Hey, Convicted Felon Jim Bakker! Please stop selling 'Silver Solution' that turns people blue as a thing that can cure or prevent COVID-19, because it definitely cannot cure or prevent COVID-19!"

This is because, unlike right-wingers, we are not a particularly sadistic people, and even if we don't like people, still don't want them drinking bleach. It's those bleeding hearts we got.

But really, as long as we're not talking about telling people to pour literal poison down their gullets, I am all for ripping these people off in ways that, ideally, make them less dangerous to others. In fact, I may start my own business selling magic USB keys and chemtrail-killing orgone pyramids and "cloudbusters" and other cures for issues that don't exist, when those who believe in those things are actively harmful. Maybe I can do an "adopt-a-mole-child" thing for the Q people, like how my 5th grade class adopted a manatee?

Speaking of which, where have all the mole children gone? It's been two months since they supposedly surfaced in Central Park, and we have not heard a damn thing. So weird!

Anyway, this is now your open thread! Discuss amongst yourselves the many ways we might be able to make the world safer from stupid conspiracy theorists, while turning a profit. Or, you know, whatever else you want to talk about


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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