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GOP Against Stimulus Part of Stimulus Bill

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So the Republicans are all for agood Economic Stimulus bill, meaning one that would stop taxing the rich and stop any corporate taxes and also, somehow, further ruin the environment and whatever. As a result of this clear "small government" philosophy the big-spending corporate-welfare closeted homosexuals adopted last week, GOP congressional leaders have found the parts they just can't tolerate in the Economic Stimulus legislation: the parts that would create jobs and build American infrastructure. Yes we can't!


Look, whatever anybody's uninformed opinions about this Rescue the Economy package, you should at least be able to reconcile "support for economic stimulus legislation" with "support for legislation that will throw a bunch of money at the economy, in the form of money paid for goods and services, manufacturing and labor, and other traditional uncontroversial gears of Capitalism."

So, here are some specific things the GOP will not condone, in this bill they're not going to vote for, anyway:

  • A billion dollars extra for the 2010 U.S. Census, which is going to pay good money to many jobless people in every American town -- and shore up Lockheed-Martin, which is getting $500 million to build the data systems and run the machinery.
  • $75 million for FBI employee salaries, because why would you want to pay America's top cops to do law enforcement and investigations, in America?
  • $500 million for Mississippi River flood control projects, which would employ thousands of laborers and keep dozens of construction companies in business, because nothing makes Republicans happier than seeing a Katrina repeat on the teevee every other hurricane season.
  • $200 million for green vehicles on U.S. military bases and $600 million to replace the federal fleet of cars with hybrids, because only a gay communist could see the economic benefits of $800 bmillion in sales for U.S. auto manufacturers while simultaneously cutting the government's gasoline bill by billions per year.
  • $1.4 billion for rural garbage-disposal and recycling programs, because who but an Islamo-Fascist would want to provide much-needed jobs for the Red State countryside while keeping toxic garbage out of those people's drinking water?
  • $125 million to rebuild the broken, rotten, third-world sewer system of our Nation's Capital. You give the blacks this, and who knows what they'll want next! And by "give," we mean "pay a decent wage to laborers in D.C., to rebuild their sewers."
  • $6 billion to pay dozens of big regional contractors, hundreds of local businesses and tens of thousands of American workers to retrofit federal buildings so that they'll be energy efficient.
  • $200 million for computer centers at community colleges, because if poor unskilled workers want to "learn the computer," they should just go to Stanford instead of complaining.
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