GOP Has One Word To Win Back All The Ladies: 'Hashtags'
Oh, sweet Jesus H. Hopscotching Christ, the Republicans are at it again. They have ageenyus hashtag -- it is #WomenAreRight, which is supposed to be really clever, we guess -- so they can introduce their new, new, NEW lady outreach plan, called Project GROW (get it? grow? CLEVER!), and this time, this time, they are SO going to woo the ladyvoters and finally put that nasty little War on Women behind them. Seriously.
See, after that humiliating historical gender gap in the 2012 election -- when, like, practically every ladyvoter in America was all HELLS NO!!! to the party of legitimate rape and gift-from-God rape babies and shutting down Planned Parenthood and Ann Romney totes loving you women if only you'd wake up and stop being dumb broads and like her husband already -- Republicans decided to have an honest-like-rape conversation with themselves. Should we maybe stop telling women to sit down, shut up, MEN ARE TALKING and will be doing all the decider-ing for the ladies, what have little ladybrains and obviously should not do their own thinking, because that seems to not be such a winning argument with the voters actually?
They tried. They really, really did.
They had a "discussion" -- at a freakin' slave plantation -- about how to talk to chicks and minorities. That didn't go so good, on account of how everyone was like, "Um, you are talking about how to talk to chicks and minorities at a FREAKIN' SLAVE PLANTATION!"
Conservative women also had their own meeting to strategize how to prove that (a) they really do exist, and (b) no, they're not kidding. The plan? Make bumper stickers that say "We Like Sex Too" and also something about hot dogs.
There was some chit-chat about offering sensitivity training to idiot Republicans so they will learn how to not say stupid shit about rape. Then the National Republican Senatorial Committee talked about talking about a plan to avoid those "Todd Akin moments." Sadly, they forgot to send out the memo on that, so they continued to rack up those Todd Akin moments, with Republicans saying stuff like Todd Akin was basically right and also trying to pass totally awful bills based on actual, literal Nazi "science."
And just this week, Republicans in Texas tried to make ladybadass state Sen. Wendy Davis -- what is awesome and is going to so be the next governor of Texas -- sit down and shut up and stop talkin' 'bout 'bortion restrictions in Texas because they are not "germane" to talkin' 'bout 'bortion restrictions in Texas. And then, cherry on top, Gov. Rick Perry actually opened his oopshole to say -- on the SAME FUCKING DAY he presided over Texas's 500th execution, of a woman prisoner no less -- that he just wants to "protect women" by tellin' 'em no, they cannot have 'bortions and THEN, the very next day, he actually not-even-shitting-you said, "The louder they scream, the more we know that we are getting something done."
That sound you hear? Yeah, that is the sound of us banging our collective heads against all the desks. (We'd be screaming, but our vaginas are hoarse at this point. Sorry, Rick Perry.) But hey, GOP, it is all good because you had A Thing today -- WITH A HASHTAG! -- so we will forget everything we have seen, just this week, and instead think about how you oh-so-graciously tweeted stuff like "It’s our goal to grow the number of GOP women in office and put forward qualified candidates" and "We need to be a party that encourages women to play an active role in what we do" and "We need to be a party that allows talented women to rise to the top." Sooooo sweet! They want to "allow" women to do stuff! Except for, you know, talk. They would like women to not talk please. Especially that Wendy Davis lady. (The GOP prolly does not want you to pay attention to that hashtag.)
Alas, the tweeting did not go so good, as Republicans are actually pretty bad at that sort of thing, and the whole Internet basically just spent the entirety of their sad little press conference laughing at them. S'okay, guys. You can try again next week.