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Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is a humble man of the people who enjoys hearty proletarian fare in his trusty lunchpail when the bell rings down at the plant. So you can believe him when he tells you that ramped up tariffs on Chinese imports should only add a few cents to the price of that delicious tallboy. Take it from Uncle Wilbur, kids! Trade wars are good and easy to win. Enjoy your soup, poors!

Besides which, as Donald Trump has repeatedly assured us, it's really China that pays the tariffs. So, if you think about it, Budweiser is getting richer off the increased price of the beer can, and the US government is taking in all that extra cash from China, so it's KA-CHING all around. (If you figure out where these numbers came from, let us know. We asked Mr. Google, and he said Trump pulled 'em out of his giant, orange ass. Ditto if you figure out WTF tariff income has to do with GDP.)

Except in China, where there are apparently no more people to buy anything.

China will be retaliating, of course, increasing tariffs on $60 billion of US imports. And unlike Trump, they're being strategic about which goods they hit. Donald Trump may think he's going to apply pressure equally to a billion Chinese people, but China aims to kick Iowa, Texas, and Louisiana squarely in the nuts with levies on soy, beef, and natural gas. But don't worry, kids, because Poppy Trump will just enact a new round of tariffs on everything China exports, and then they will immediately fold and give us what we want. China's government is currently celebrating the end of the Century of Humiliation by the West, but they'll definitely cave to an orange buffoon dripping desperation for a win before his own electoral campaign. Totes!


Oxford Economics estimates that the US economy would shrink by $100 billion if we imposed a 25 percent tariff on all Chinese imports -- a loss of $800 per American household. But forget about those eggheads and just listen to President Foxnews McDeals. We've got 'em right where we want 'em!

Clearly the stock market just doesn't understand economics good, with the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunging 2.4 percent yesterday and the NASDAQ off 3.4 percent. Oh, hey, a loss of $600 billion dollars! That's more than the entire value of America's imports from China for an entire year. But Commander Galaxy Brain will throw a little cash at farmers, and make it all better. Which is not socialism because shut up, commie, why do you hate America?

American consumers are paying an extra 12 percent for washers, but if we give it to soybean farmers, then China will pay! Or maybe they won't, in which case, those farmers should just be grateful they're not dead in the ground at Arlington cemetery.

When asked about studies that show Arkansas farmers are going to get hammered by the tariffs, Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton was ready to build that WALL out of words.

So these tariffs are going to end up hurting both Chinese and some Americans, I'll grant you that. I think they'll ultimately hurt the Chinese more than they will Americans in part because Chinese companies and their government have been cheating the United States for so long.

Who pays the tariffs? Howdy Doody ain't know! But he knows China is bad, so logically prolly those guys, right?

There will be some sacrifice on the part of Americans, I grant you that. But I also would say that that sacrifice is pretty minimal compared to the sacrifice our soldiers make overseas, that our fallen heroes who are laid to rest in Arlington make.

So as long as you're not dead, farmers, you should be bloody grateful. True patriots should be willing lose their family farms in the hope that a guy who thinks we're better off without a deal will somehow bumble his way into something that makes us all richer. And isn't that what Making America Great Again is all about?

[WSJ / Reuters / USA Today]

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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