Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross is a humble man of the people who enjoys hearty proletarian fare in his trusty lunchpail when the bell rings down at the plant. So you can believe him when he tells you that ramped up tariffs on Chinese imports should only add a few cents to the price of that delicious tallboy. Take it from Uncle Wilbur, kids! Trade wars are good and easy to win. Enjoy your soup, poors!

Besides which, as Donald Trump has repeatedly assured us, it's really China that pays the tariffs. So, if you think about it, Budweiser is getting richer off the increased price of the beer can, and the US government is taking in all that extra cash from China, so it's KA-CHING all around. (If you figure out where these numbers came from, let us know. We asked Mr. Google, and he said Trump pulled 'em out of his giant, orange ass. Ditto if you figure out WTF tariff income has to do with GDP.)

Except in China, where there are apparently no more people to buy anything.

China will be retaliating, of course, increasing tariffs on $60 billion of US imports. And unlike Trump, they're being strategic about which goods they hit. Donald Trump may think he's going to apply pressure equally to a billion Chinese people, but China aims to kick Iowa, Texas, and Louisiana squarely in the nuts with levies on soy, beef, and natural gas. But don't worry, kids, because Poppy Trump will just enact a new round of tariffs on everything China exports, and then they will immediately fold and give us what we want. China's government is currently celebrating the end of the Century of Humiliation by the West, but they'll definitely cave to an orange buffoon dripping desperation for a win before his own electoral campaign. Totes!

Oxford Economics estimates that the US economy would shrink by $100 billion if we imposed a 25 percent tariff on all Chinese imports -- a loss of $800 per American household. But forget about those eggheads and just listen to President Foxnews McDeals. We've got 'em right where we want 'em!

Clearly the stock market just doesn't understand economics good, with the Dow Jones Industrial Average plunging 2.4 percent yesterday and the NASDAQ off 3.4 percent. Oh, hey, a loss of $600 billion dollars! That's more than the entire value of America's imports from China for an entire year. But Commander Galaxy Brain will throw a little cash at farmers, and make it all better. Which is not socialism because shut up, commie, why do you hate America?

American consumers are paying an extra 12 percent for washers, but if we give it to soybean farmers, then China will pay! Or maybe they won't, in which case, those farmers should just be grateful they're not dead in the ground at Arlington cemetery.

When asked about studies that show Arkansas farmers are going to get hammered by the tariffs, Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton was ready to build that WALL out of words.

So these tariffs are going to end up hurting both Chinese and some Americans, I'll grant you that. I think they'll ultimately hurt the Chinese more than they will Americans in part because Chinese companies and their government have been cheating the United States for so long.

Who pays the tariffs? Howdy Doody ain't know! But he knows China is bad, so logically prolly those guys, right?

There will be some sacrifice on the part of Americans, I grant you that. But I also would say that that sacrifice is pretty minimal compared to the sacrifice our soldiers make overseas, that our fallen heroes who are laid to rest in Arlington make.

So as long as you're not dead, farmers, you should be bloody grateful. True patriots should be willing lose their family farms in the hope that a guy who thinks we're better off without a deal will somehow bumble his way into something that makes us all richer. And isn't that what Making America Great Again is all about?

[WSJ / Reuters / USA Today]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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