GOP Wants ‘Investigation’ Into Whoever Leaked President Broke Ass’s Tax Returns
Republicans are struggling to keep their stories straight about Donald Trump's tax returns. There are some who claim Trump did nothing wrong when he avoided paying federal taxes for years. His more devout supporters seem to think he deserves a gold medal in Olympic tax dodging. But even Ann Coulter, while evil incarnate, appreciates that it's not a great campaign strategy to suggest that paying their taxes is for suckers who can't get out of jury duty.
Democrats have tried fixing this problem. A few of them even ran for president. The problem is that real billionaires own a lot of Republicans.
Turning Point USA founder Charlie Kirk realized that the New York Times expose wasn't good news for Trump or John McCain. He immediately argued that a great crime had been committed against Dear Leader, the same crawling smear of slime who “jokingly" asked Russia for Hillary Clinton's emails.
Who leaked Trump’s tax returns to The New York Times? 26 U.S. Code § 7213 makes it illegal to disclose unauthorize… https://t.co/QRYBn0MilJ— Charlie Kirk (@Charlie Kirk)1601263373.0
Wow, look at Kirk quoting the exact US legal code like he's a common Adam West Batman.
Rep. Kevin Brady from Texas, the top Republican on the House Ways and Means Committee, called for an investigation into who provided the Times with evidence of Trump's habitual deadbeatness.
"While many critics question the article's accuracy, equally troubling is the prospect that a felony crime was committed by releasing the private tax return information of an individual -- in this case the President's," Brady said in a statement this week.
"To ensure every American is protected against the illegal release of their tax returns for political reasons, I am calling for an investigation of the source and to prosecute if the law was broken."
Thank you, Rep. Brady, for looking out for every American tax cheat, regardless of status.
Donald Trump ran for president because he was broke and wanted to cheat his way into as much taxpayer money as possible.— Rep. Val Demings (@Rep. Val Demings)1601401201.0
Trump himself has claimed the Times article is “totally made up," but he's also whined that the articles rely on “illegally obtained information." It's obvious that the accuracy of the returns aren't the issue. They're real and they're spectacular. Trump just wants to lash out at whoever helped prove he's a big stupid loser head.
During an appearance today on Fox News, where she'll be working next year, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said Brady's proposed investigation was “fair" and “important."
MCENANY: We've seen these smears from the New York Times before.
It's not a “smear" or even a blasphemous rumor if it's true, lady. Did they have a dumb white girl quota to fill at Harvard Law when McEnany applied?
New York has a shield law protecting journalists from revealing their sources, so these losers can “investigate" all they want. It's a waste of time, and it won't halt the free fall of Trump's reelection campaign.
But what does the law matter to Attorney General Bill Barr? He's guaranteed to try something disgustingly unethical with more than a soupçon of racism. However, the clock is ticking on his reign of terror. If we keep our eye on the prize, next year we'll have an actual Department of Justice that isn't run by lizard people. Attorney General Sally Yates or Doug Jones won't pursue charges against the brave patriot or vengeful Melania who leaked the tax returns.
Besides, Trump has personally pardoned people who committed serious felonies, and that's a shame because now he'll be lonely in prison once New York Attorney General Tish James is done with him. Trump even commuted the sentence of Roger Stone so his good friend would keep his mouth shut. It's likely that the leaker is confident that whatever Trump's goons might try in the next few months, a President Joe Biden is set to arrive in four months. You live by the pardon power, President Tax Cheat, and you die by the pardon power.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).