Groveling GOP Presidential Hopefuls Assemble For CPAC Sexytime

  • The Conservative Political Action Conference 2011 begins today, and ends when we all have herpes! For the next three days, dozens of presidential hopefuls will compete in oratory fellatio, to prove to America that they love Ronald Reagan the most. Even Donald Trump is scheduled to give a special speech/PowerPoint presentation about his hairpiece. But are you a member of one of those Family Prayer organizations that is boycotting CPAC, because of the gays? Well, Grover Norquist says that "'only loser people and loser organizations" boycott CPAC. But your Wonkette is not one of these loser poopyheads, so we will have 24/7 around-the-clock live coverage of all the freedom lectures and workshops ("The Ground Zero Mosque: The Second Wave of the 9/11 Attacks"), effective immediately. And evil liberal media person Dave Weigel will probably be creeping around too, since he is everywhere at the same time, like Hermione Granger. [The Hill]
  • Famous dildo Rick Perry says that the Texas Commission on the Arts should be cut from the state budget and then reprocessed into anus beef, because there are "no sacred cows in state government." Cows are for eating. [McClatchy]

  • Meanwhile, in Egypt: Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboul Gheit -- a senior official in Mubarak’s government -- warned that the army would “intervene to control the country” if protesters don't pipe down. What an asshole! [NYT]

  • TODAY'S BONUS JOURNALISM: "Woman Dies After Butt Injection at Philly Hotel." [Fox News, of course!]

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